One of my greatest strengths and weaknesses is that I am people-pleaser. Growing up, I was always that kid that didn't like to let people down and I would be the first person that would say “yes" whenever I was needed.
Not much has changed except that now at the age of 25, I don't care that much about what other people think. As I am growing as a young professional, I am also evolving as a woman and I have learned that what is meant for me is meant for me, and each time an opportunity presents itself, I should not feel obligated to say "yes".
I've learned that the grass is not always greener on the other side, and everything that glitters isn't gold. Most importantly, I have learned that it is okay to say "no" when you need to because when you say "yes" to any and everything, you sometimes lose sight of yourself and your own goals.
Although saying "no" is a lot easier said than done, especially if you have grown accustomed to pleasing others, sometimes you may be better off by turning people or things down.
Listed below are five instances where it is necessary to say "no" -- or "hell no" in some cases:
You Are Not The Woman For The Job
Have you ever lied on a resume or in an interview? Of course you have! We all have at least once in our lives. If you haven't, you will one day. Lying, or exaggerating the truth, for a job is never the best idea. From my experience as the liar and as the person being lied to, the truth will always be revealed.
When you are filling out that job application or responding to a job inquiry, if you are honestly unqualified, don't lie to yourself, or talk your ego up. Simply tell yourself "no" and move on.
You Don't Have As Much Free Time As You Thought
When I first decided to freelance, I reached out to so many companies for work. Between my 9-5 job that keeps me hella busy, writing a ton of content week after week, and working on my own personal brand, I was TIRED. Honestly really "tired" isn't even the best word to describe how I was feeling because I was way past that.
From that experience, I learned that every opportunity that is presented to you may be legit, but it may not be good for you at that particular moment. Before you say "yes" to every job offer that you receive, analyze your life and figure out how much time, and energy that you can truly dedicate to the new opportunity. If you realize that you cannot dedicate as much time as the job needs and as you want, you should probably not pursue that opportunity at that time.
You Deserve Better, And You Know It
When I was job searching, I made it a priority to take my job search extremely seriously. As a grown woman with grown bills, I knew I needed a career and not a job. I needed a challenging career, and not just mundane work. When I interviewed with companies, I came ready with my notepad full of questions because not only were they interviewing me, but you better believe I was interviewing them. I knew in my heart that I wasn't looking to get a job just for pay, because honestly I could snag a paycheck from anywhere.
As several job offers came through, I declined many of them because I knew that the best job would present itself soon. I learned how to say "no" to those job offers even when I wanted to say "yes" because as we all know, the job search routine can be depressing and exhausting. However, when you deserve better and you know it, it becomes easier to turn down things that are not worthy of you.
You Are Not Passionate About It And Would Rather Be Doing Other Things
When you don't have passion for what you do, it shows in your work and attitude. Trust me, I have been there before, and I have seen it before in old employees. If you are given the opportunity to work on a new project or start a new job that you have zero passion for, don't waste your time doing if it doesn't interest you. Feel free to say "no" when the passion is not there and use your idle time to find opportunities that align with your values and interests.
You Work Harder For Others Than You Do For Yourself
Businessman, investor, and speaker Farrah Gray once said, "Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs." If you have your own aspirations, make sure you are taking the time out to work on yourself, and accomplish your own goals. The worst thing that you can do is work 40 hours a week for someone else and not one hour on yourself.
Sometimes when we say "no" or back down from opportunities, we feel like we are being cowardly and are letting others down. Every job and opportunity that comes our way isn't meant for us. We have to learn how to be selfish and go after opportunities when we should, and back away when the opportunity isn't meant for us.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Originally published January 14, 2017.
- The power of saying no at the office - CNN ›
- Why saying 'no' gets you ahead | Fortune ›
- Your guide to saying no at work without feeling guilty ›
- The Truth about Saying No At Work - How to Keep Your Job ›
- 9 things you should always say no to at work - Business Insider ›
- How to Politely Say No to Anyone at Work -The Muse ›
- Why You Need To Say 'No' At Work (Hint: Your Work Will Get Better) ›
- How to Say No to Taking on More Work ›
Some women have their whole wedding planned out, from the bridal gown and venue to the bridal party and playlist. However, KJ was not one of those people. “I didn’t foresee a wedding in my future,” she reveals. “I was just gonna be the boss chick, rich auntie. I didn’t force love in my life until recently. I never had an idea of what a dream wedding would look like, it was easier for me to elope.”
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
And to many people’s surprise, that was their original plan – until Skyh brought up a valid concern. He was raised by his grandmother and thought she should be at the wedding, and naturally, that led to KJ wanting her grandmother to be there as well – then her mom – and later her sister – and, you’ve gotta invite the besties too, right? From there, the guest list continued to blossom. Much like the updo and pop of color bold red lip, she wore on her special day, which was initially on her Pinterest board as a soft glam look with her hair hanging on her shoulders, KJ is okay with changing her plan if it brings her and her loved ones happiness.
So let’s get into the wedding, which took place in Malibu, CA. The first thing you should know about the celebrity couple is that they’re non-traditional. They know, and they don’t care. So, in true unconventional fashion, they shared the morning of the wedding together.
“I woke up with Skyh, we walked our dog, had black coffee, and said good morning to the people who stayed at the venue with us,” she says.
Now, it was time for hair and makeup. While she was getting glammed up, she had Black-owned McBride Sisters wine and champagne (which ties into The Black Experience theme) on deck with her mom and friends, had her besties help rework her vows, retried on every outfit (sis is very Type-A), took photos, and ended the early-celebration with prayer and meditation. It seems very non-Bridezilla, I said.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company,” she explains. “The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
Things moved quickly, and before she knew it, it was time to line up to walk down the aisle.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company. The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
KJ Smith and her bridal party
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Since everything started with their grandmothers, the couple wanted to ensure they honored them and planned to keep an element of their wedding traditional. Although we’ve all seen the reception videos and photos online, you may have noticed visuals from the wedding itself are harder to find.
“We planned for it to be traditional, but we’re not like that, so we tried to create those moments. We jumped the broom and had a salt ceremony (where the bride and groom individually pour salt into a glass container, symbolizing their lives becoming one.) But honestly, still, nothing was traditional about it.”
She goes on to explain that her mom caught the holy ghost coming down the aisle, her glam team was on deck, and she became so nervous with excitement that she had an anxiety attack – something she struggled with for years, she explains tearfully. Her friends had to literally cheer her down the aisle because of how overwhelmed she felt until she eventually calmed down.
“Skyh was standing there with his hand on his heart; we have our own little language, and I could feel the support,” she shares.
It was surprising to hear all these emotional moments happened before the party we saw online. That is until she once again got into the backstory.
“As a Black woman actress, for so long, it was popular to be mysterious and secretive, but that’s not who I am or what I like. Plus, we both wanted to create an experience for everyone there. We are the people who always host family and friends,” she says. “Like for me, the first order of business was getting sandals for the women so they can dance all night long. We had oxtail, D'ussé, and a coffee and sativa lounge – which is part of Skyh and I’s lifestyle and routine. We wanted to bring them into our world.”
Skyh Black (L) and KJ Smith (R)
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
She went on to discuss the dance routine she did for her husband at the reception, which has taken over the internet. Apparently, that’s another thing that didn’t go according to plan. According to KJ, she had promised a performance at their joint bachelor/ bachelorette party, but her outfit got stolen from her car. So, Skyh ended up performing for her – complete with a strip tease. Still, she never forgot her promise to dance for him.
So, she hired her friend as a choreographer, learned the routine, made friends and family watch it endless times, and attended Beyoncé’s Renaissance show a few days before for a confidence boost. It ended up being a show to remember. But that wasn’t all the night offered. Lil Mo performed, and the guests received special goody bags featuring their favorite Black-owned products like journals, hair care, and more.
“We made sure everyone was taken care of all night. That kind of stuff makes us happy. I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives,” she says.
But naturally, the internet is going to internet, and while there were countless people praising the event and applauding the newlyweds, some thought it was too over the top. I was curious to know her thoughts on some of the criticism.
“It’s cool. We did what we wanted to do. I’ve decided to share my world with people. Just how I went on social media platforms and found inspiration, I want people to do the same,” she explains. “I don’t think it's fair to my supporters not to give that out. There’s so much I wanna share with brides, specifically Black brides. I love that people are adding it to their Pinterest boards."
"I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives."
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
“I’m happy with it because we did what we wanted to do. They can do what they wanna do. Don’t be cruel, though, because you will get blocked,” she said, laughing.
The more I spoke with her, the more her sense of freedom shined through. People are always going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live your life, and it seems like the couple realizes that and embraces that power. She also stressed the importance of not living for others and the lessons life has taught her.
“I’ve been to countless weddings, and I’ve been in countless weddings. I’m a generally older bride. So when women in my demographic get married, and you and your husband are busy working people like us, you deserve to have the one you want to have,” she shares.
“This is what we wanted to do. Our loved ones love and support us. We did so much to honor them, but we also wanted to start our own tradition, legacy, and creation. I'm not going to be pulled back into ideas of the past when I’m trying to create a future with my partner. “
If you’d like to see more of the couple, you probably won’t have to wait long. Although no content is planned yet, she admits to being an oversharer. “Me being open and transparent about my experiences lets people know it’s okay to have flaws; it makes you human, and for many years, I didn’t believe that was okay. I had pressure to be perfect, and I’d crumble every time,” she explains to xoNecole.
Now, she owns her flaws and uses them as a superpower to connect with her community and feel and express her love.
“Some people give us [Skyh and KJ] a hard time because they say we just seem too perfect. I’m like, why is that a bad thing? I love the people I love. From my man to my mama, to my friends - unabashedly. We move through time and space how we want to move. If we did it another way, we’d let ourselves and our union down.”
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Feature image by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
