I received my first management position at the age of 22. I thought I had it all together. I just graduated from undergrad, had my own place, car, money, and now I was the boss at work. But I sucked as a manager. I thought I was prepared to manage others because I had gained plenty of leadership skills while I was apart of various organizations in college. Unfortunately, being president or a leader in a campus organization is totally different from being a boss for a company, especially when the people that you lead are older than you. The skill of management is something that is deep-rooted in some, and developed over time by others. While I know I was born to lead, I can look back now and see that there were so many things that I should have and could have done better.
Fast forward to a few years later, I have gained more experiences as a manager, and I have even received a few promotions along the way (so I guess I didn't suck that bad). Nonetheless, I have taken my good, bad, and veryugly experiences in management as a learning experience and as a challenge to become even better.
From my years in management, I have learned that doing the work can be easy, but learning how to manage, develop, and motivate people is not always a piece of cake.
Listed below are a few pieces of nontraditional advice from a modern, Millennial manager that's in her 20s. By reading this, you will learn some of the things that I wish someone would have told me, and you will learn how to not make the same mistakes that I made.
1. Always be prepared to answer the "How old are you?" question.
I can guarantee you that if you haven't received this question yet, you will definitely get it once you are in a management position. While some people consider it rude to ask someone their age, people still do it all the time. If someone asks you this, I recommend that you answer it with confidence and honesty. Don't lie about your age to seem more "mature or qualified." Brian Wong, a young entrepreneur, mentioned in an article that if you look at your age as a crutch or disadvantage it will become one. But if you look at it as a positive thing, it will be a positive thing.
2. Don't try to learn by example.
I think the biggest mistake that I made when I became a manager was trying to emulate how my boss led when she was the manager. When you are new to management, you will not find a lesson on managing people that is unique to you. Completely clueless on what to do, I copied my boss' management style, and I expected to receive the same amount of success as a boss. Of course, this did not work. It wasn't until I analyzed myself to see what my likes, dislikes, skills, and values were that I became a better manager. I learned that people truly lead differently, and what worked for one manager may not work as well for you. If you are impressed with your boss' management style, ask him or her for advice and tips, but also see what works for you.
3. Adjust your management type.
There is not a cookie-cutter style in managing people (trust me, I know). Organizations are filled with diverse people with different backgrounds and personalities. How you reprimand or show praise to one person will not work for another. Studies show that different generations work differently, and being aware of this is important as a manager. In your company, you may be a Millennial, and may manage older people in other generations like Baby Boomers, Generation Xers, and older Millennials.
Studies show that Baby Boomers are known to choose work over personal life. They typically do not trust authority, but they can be open to change. They love receiving personal gratification, and at work they normally have a sense of entitlement. Generation Xers are considered the “slacker" generation. They naturally question authority figures and believe in the concept of work/life balance. They also tend to be more independent than other generation groups. Millennials are known to be very team-oriented, are easily bored, loves challenging work, and seeks gratification in their work.
As a young manager, you will supervise people in different generations so it is important to know what their work style is like, and how you can adapt your management style to be an effective leader.
4. Be confident and don't be afraid to delegate.
You have been given the opportunity to lead, and it wasn't given to you by mistake. When I first became a manager, I wasn't only the youngest manager in my office, but all of my subordinates were at least 10-15 years older than me (and some even had more years of work experience). I would be lying if I told you I wasn't intimidated at first because I definitely was. I felt slightly inadequate and I was a little too nice. My timid and overly nice personality started to become second nature, so I didn't notice that I was a pushover. If you are feeling like you may be a pushover, I would advise that you find more self-confidence, and believe in the power of your role and your responsibility to be a fearless leader. Also, do not be scared to delegate.
5. Good bosses know how to get the work done, and delegate when necessary.
Delegation was also a skill that I didn't have when I first became a boss, but I quickly learned my lesson. I remember when I first started out in management, I thought it was my responsibility to literally do everything since ultimately I was responsible for everybody and each project. It wasn't until I realized that I wasn't getting any sleep, was skipping out on lunch, and saw my assistant pinning away on Pinterest during work that I knew a change was needed. I realized that my lack of delegation was not only exhausting and hurting me, but it was also hurting my employee. Failing to delegate prevents employees from learning and stifles their professional growth. It doesn't matter how old an employee is, they can still professionally develop, and it is your responsibility to equip them with the right tools to do so.
6. Know when to ask for help.
When I realized that I was failing as a manager, I reached out to other managers, and looked up self-help articles online. I also talked with my boss and discussed my concerns. I wasn't afraid or ashamed to admit that I wasn't doing a good job, and neither should you. The advice that I got from other people was extremely helpful, and it showed me things about myself that I didn't notice.
7. Ask your team for feedback.
A good boss or leader is open to criticism, feedback, and finds both necessary to grow. As a boss, it's okay to be vulnerable and seek advice from your employees. Whenever I have one-on-ones, I always ask my employees if there is anything that I could do better, or if they need anything from me to be successful. This is a question that not only helps me out and teaches me to be better, but it shows your employees that you are open-minded and value their opinion. I've learned that asking this question is favorable among my older employees because it gives them a chance to be heard.
If you are a young boss, what other tips do you have when leading older generations? Drop a comment below and share the knowledge!
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Being a bridesmaid. In some ways, I don’t know if there’s a tighter line to walk than being happy for a friend who has found her bae for life while you’re trying to figure out if and when your own time will come.
Well, since June, September and October (which are all steadily on their way) continue to be the most popular months for jumping the broom — if you are a lot like Corina (Javicia’s character in the movie) and you’re wondering if you’re gonna be purchasing bridesmaids dresses for others without a wedding gown for yourself for the rest of your life, here are a few things that I certainly hope you will keep in mind — things that I hope will cause you to see being a bridesmaid in the best light possible.
1. Bridesmaids Are “Marriage Cheerleaders.” That’s a Dope Thing.
GiphyIf you’re in a relationship that looks like it’s headed towards marriage, please check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry.'” As a marriage life coach, a marriage registry is actually something that I recommend engaged couples to have because it’s all about cultivating a support team for various areas of your marriage — and y’all, that’s basically what bridesmaids are. They’re not just a group of women who look cute in a dress at a wedding; they are individuals who have agreed to stand by a bride’s side as she shifts into becoming a wife.
Hmph. Don’t get me started on why, when it comes to selecting bridesmaids, it really shouldn’t be about your history with them so much as the relationship that they have with you and your soon-to-be husband in the present because, if they can’t have your marriage’s back, they really should be in the audience (if they are there at all).
For now, in order to stay on topic, I’ll just say that the best way to look at the role of a bridesmaid is to compare them to a cheerleader. Cheerleaders are individuals who are there to encourage teams in an enthusiastic and optimistic kind of way. And honestly, when someone you care about asks you to serve in this capacity on their wedding day, it’s an honor because they trust that you are happy for them, that you are in agreement with their decision and that you will keep them inspired and motivated well beyond the day that they say, “I do.”
And people who are in this type of head and heart space for someone else? How could good karma not come their way? Because when you know how to be thrilled for other people’s blessings, the universe finds a way of rewarding you for your selflessness.
Let’s keep going.
2. Weddings Ain’t Marriages. Marriages Ain’t Weddings. A Bride and Wife Are Not (Exactly) the Same.
GiphyHow many times have I said, somewhere, that while big expensive weddings ain’t personally my thing, if that’s what folks want to do, I certainly ain’t gonna knock it because, once the wedding day is over, that’s when the real work — which I prefer to see as maintenance (check out “Relationships Shouldn't Be 'Hard Work.' They Should Be Maintenance.”) — truly begins. Sadly, when it comes to this, some folks don’t have a clue.
Whew, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told a woman that a bride is a bride for a day — a wife, though? That’s a whole ‘nother set of responsibilities entirely (which I will elaborate on in just a sec).
My point here? If you’re someone who has a collection of bridesmaid dresses in your closet and the question, “When is it going to be my turn?” is getting louder and louder in your head with every ceremony that you participate in — remember that what you are witnessing is an elaborate party that deserves to be a little over the top. After all, it’s a celebration of the decision that two people made to spend the rest of their lives together.
At the same time, though, never forget that the wedding day itself only lasts for a few hours and, once the festivities are over and they come back from their honeymoon, real life sets in. This means that what you need to really ask yourself is 1) are you caught up in the hype of the wedding, and 2) have you really thought about what is required to make a marriage work — and last. Because chile, although (and thankfully) most of the wives in my space do not regret getting married (check out “What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?”), what easily 80 percent of them have told me is that they seriously underestimated what the day-to-day of marriage entails.
To further drive this point home, I actually asked five wives to share with me what they think is the difference between being a bride and being a wife.
Wife #1:“It’s selfish to think that your wedding day should be all about you and not your groom — but let’s be real: guys don’t really care about that stuff, and so a lot of the focus is on you, as the bride. If you think that’s what marriage is about, it can make you entitled and selfish. Then, when it’s all over and it’s time to be a wife, you will think that you still should be served all of the time without doing much work. You have to do daily work — every day of your life.”
Wife #2:“If I could do it over, I would have cut back on the wedding planner and put more money into longer premarital counseling because two one-hour sessions ain’t gonna cut it. Brides are hyper-focused on one day without really thinking about what follows. You need some therapy to get your mind right, because when I tell you that marriage will throw you all the way off if you’re not prepared? You have no idea.”
Wife #3:“I have single friends who say that they think they are missing out because they aren’t married. I love my husband and wouldn’t change a thing, but single people are crazy to think that there aren’t some perks to being single. Don’t let that big dress and diamond fool you. If you’re a good wife, you’ve earned them and you will have days and nights when you miss not being single anymore.”
Wife #4:“Being a bride is a fantasy. Being a wife is reality. I don’t have a better way to put it because who dresses up, gets gifts, and dances every single day? As a wife, what you do do every day is compromise, negotiate, and get challenged to become a better person. If you’re not ready for that, keep hanging out on rooftop bars with your single friends. I’m dead serious.”
Wife #5:“A bride is someone who lets the world know that she wants to be a wife. A wife is someone who puts that intent into action. The thing about a bride is she’s that for one day, but a wife has to keep showing up every day of her life for the rest of her life. It’s rewarding, but it takes more out of you than people think. People who envy wedding days usually want the attention, not the commitment.”
This comes from people who have lived it. So yeah, if you’re someone who fantasizes of becoming a wife one day, make sure that you ask yourself if you’re merging bride and wife together without really thinking about the sacrifices that wives make — because, as you can see, there are many, chile.
3. Every Relational Status Has Pros…and Concessions
GiphyI’m pretty sure you’ve heard someone say that you shouldn’t get too invested in the relationship goals that you see on social media. The main reason why is because most IG posts show you the good times without also sharing the blood, sweat, and tears that were required to make those times possible. Hmph. Not to mention the fact that every single relational status has its own pros and extreme compromises — and when it comes to compromising, when you’re married, because two people are involved, that is definitely the case.
I mean, as a single person, just think about it — you can take a trip without running it by someone else; you can spend money without consulting another person; you can make both little and large decisions without seeing how someone else feels about it; you can move without worrying about how it will directly affect another individual; you don’t have to divide your personal time unless you absolutely want to; there aren’t people who you have to be around, simply to make another person happy, and you don’t have to “meet in the middle” when it comes to certain values, goals or even traditions.
Listen, back when I wrote articles like, “10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'” and “10 Bona Fide Benefits Of Being Single,” I did it to remind as many people as I possibly can that as a marriage life coach, I will be the first to say that a healthy marriage is all kinds of awesome; HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean that being single ain’t super bomb too.
It’s all in how you choose to look at things. How are you?
4. Envy Is Love’s Enemy (Across the Board)
GiphyAlthough there’s no solid data on the percentage of bridesmaids who are jealous or envious of the bride on her big day, trust and believe that there is plenty of content out in cyberspace that addresses it. One forum that I checked out talked about a bride who had to deal with a bridesmaid who told her that she was jealous about not being selected to be the maid of honor.
An article featured the story of three friends (who honestly seemed low-key toxic prior to the wedding) who refused to be happy for the bride during her four-day wedding event. Another forum talked about a sister who was so consumed with wanting to be engaged that she was flippantly dismissive about her sister’s upcoming nuptials.
Ugh. Ugh to all of this because, although it’s understandable that you may want something that someone else has (we all do sometimes, if we’re gonna be completely real about it), one of the ugliest things about jealousy (the fear of losing what you have) and envy (being caught up in what someone else has) is they cause you to put all of the focus on you…even when it is completely the wrong place and wrong time to do so.
Since a single person doesn’t have a husband, what I am going to focus on (most) for this point is envy; especially since even the Good Book tells us that love doesn’t do that (I Corinthians 13:4).
Symptoms of being an envious person?
- You either don’t know how to or refuse to celebrate others
- You’re hypercritical of other people’s choices or decisions
- You spread false information in order to cause discord or confusion about other folks
- You give disingenuous or backhanded compliments
- You try to downplay the goodness and success of other people
All of this is pretty ugly, right? Hmph, no wonder the Bible says that envy can’t be present wherever love is. All of this actually reminds me of a quote that says something along the lines of “Envy is counting someone else’s blessings more than your own.” It also reminds me of a 10th Commandment (Exodus 20:17) which tells us not to covet, which not only means “to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others,” it also means “to wish for, especially eagerly.”
What’s a trip about coveting is that while it can mean that you want someone else’s groom (please don’t), it can also mean that you are so eager that you end up making reckless decisions, all because you envy what someone else has, in general. Listen, I’ve had a wife say to me before that the loneliest night in bed as a single woman beats a bad marriage any day. Again, as someone who has worked with married couples for well over 20 years at this point, I couldn’t agree more.
Don’t envy. It gets you absolutely nowhere…good.
5. Everyone’s Love Story Is Unique. Do Not Compare.
GiphyThere’s a Black-owned T-shirt and sweatshirt company called Lake + Prosper that features two tees that I think amplify my final point exquisitely well. One says, “My goal is to outdo me, not y’all,” and the other says, “own lane. own race. own pace.” At the end of the day, what both of these remind us all to do is not compare ourselves to others — this includes when it comes to our love story.
See, what else you’ve also got to keep in mind is when it comes to each person’s romantic relationship journey, there are SO MANY FACTORS that come into play — including timing. And timing is something that you really don’t have any control over (other than making sure that you do what you know needs to be done). And that’s why comparing the brides whose weddings you’ve been in to your own situation is, well, it reminds me of a quote on comparing by Iyanla Vanzant that I like a lot: “Comparison is an act of violence against the self.”
She ain’t lyin’ either because many mental health experts are quick to say that comparing yourself to other people is not only counterproductive but basically futile because it evokes negativity, causes you to feel inadequate, can make you want to beat yourself up, triggers feelings of resentment and it can make you put unrealistic pressure and expectations on yourself.
And gee—how is that good for your relationship with your soon-to-be married friends, how does that improve your relationship with your own self and also, how does that prepare you for the relationship that you will have with the love of your life…when everything that is necessary aligns and says that the time is right? IT. DOESN’T.
In an article that I once read on comparing, the author said something that is oh so very right: “By comparing ourselves to others we’re negating our own road and demanding that the past be different than what it was. The demands we place on ourselves to be like those we’re comparing ourselves may sometimes be motivations for change, however they are more likely to lead to feelings of diminished self-worth.”
Bottom line, as tempting as it may be sometimes, comparing works against you, not for you. Choose to celebrate, not compare.
____
Listen, being sick and tired of always being on the side of the bride instead of being beside your own groom can be human sometimes. I won’t take that away from you. Just make sure that you choose to keep certain facts in perspective: that just because it’s not your turn, that doesn’t mean your time isn’t coming; that negative feelings keep you further from what you desire, and that every person you care about who gets married before you deserves all of the love, encouragement and joy from you that they should reciprocate when your time comes. Stay positive. It’s good karma.
That said, instead of hating the thought of wearing another bridesmaid dress, determine to be fly as ever.
It’s one day closer to what you ultimately desire for yourself.
And a reminder that it can happen.
When and how it should.
Amen? Amen.
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