So your stylist requires you to "come washed".
For some, that sounds like an odd request. For others, it sounds pretty normal.
One of the main trending topics in the black beauty community is that beauticians are requiring clients to come "washed". I'm sure some of you may have turned your face up at that.
A shampoo at the salon is an experience that most people, if not all, look forward to within their salon experience. I mean, who doesn't like to lean back in a shampoo bowl and experience that lovely scalp massage and cleaning! My eyes just rolled in the back of my head thinking about it.
Across various social media platforms, memes and tweets alike have triggered this conversation.
you’re not a stylist if I have to come with my hair washed, blow-dried, conditioned, and with the hair.
— Cam🥂 (@_threehunna) August 30, 2019
Question if your going to a hair salon for braids why do you have to come with your hair already washed 🤔
— 👑Myeeeee (@_MeOhMyeee) August 28, 2019
For my daughter hair y’all want me to come washed & blow dryed then gonna charge me 65-70 dollars tf wrong wit y’all
— ForeverRELL🕊💙 (@Tionaaa___) August 22, 2019
I need to go somewhere to get my hair washed really good and braided down but y’all “stylist” be wanting us to come with our hair already washed so I doubt y’all providing that service 🙄
— Kilo (@DontLoseYour_Ki) August 29, 2019
I want this girl to do my closure but I gotta come washed and braided 🥴🥴🥴 who tf just braids hair for a sew in ??!!
— 𝕷𝖊𝖝 𝕲𝖆𝖑𝖔𝖗𝖊 🕸 (@LexxGalore) August 28, 2019
detroit hair stylist be like come washed bring your own hair, flat-irons, edge control, and chair.
— Es. (@theessieb) August 28, 2019
these Miami stylist really lost they damn mind! This bitch wanna charge $250 for some basic ass braids AND want you to come washed, pressed, AND bring your own edge control? Bitch i might as well do my own damn hair, tf? 🤨
— Ash🌞 (@SincerelyAnese) August 31, 2019
Let's dive into this "come washed" hair movement, shall we?
There's thousands of West African owned braiding salons across the U.S., and most aren't licensed cosmetologists or hair stylists. They have the natural gift for braiding so, why not profit? As a result, you have to come shampooed and dry to be serviced (for most of those salons). Mostly, so they can maximize the productivity and turnover rate of clients in and out of the salon. African-Americans have tapped into this market with their love of braiding using some, if not all, of the same business style.
Formal training and theory of hair and scalp is what beauty school gives, so if you didn't attend an institution to learn the science behind caring for hair, there are so many things you don't know. The benefits of shampooing, proper sanitation, infection control and many other things are commonly reinforced in the teachings of cosmetology, barbering and esthetics. Imagine going into a braiding salon for passion twists, and the braider starts parting your hair with the same comb she used on an earlier client who has a severe dandruff condition. To make matters worse, you see no proof of sanitation like an EPA grade cleanser or Barbicide Jar. What face did you just make at that moment when you thought about it? Riiiight!
Since most states across the country don't require the licensing of braiders, most won't know this very important information unless they take it upon themselves to do the research, or if a client disaster happens.
This isn't to shame braiders who don't know, simply because...they don't know. But let's tap into trained stylists who DO know. The harmful ideology of "Well I know better, I just won't do it," is what's dangerous to the public. Skills such as product selection, a client using a specific shampoo, or choosing conditioner or leave-in may not guarantee a bomb-end result of a style such as a silk press. Think about it. Finally, there's the proper terminology of washed versus shampooing...but that's another conversation for another day.
Right or wrong, it's the public's responsibility to decide who they will patronize based on the information given by a stylist. Most states offer online access which allows you to view a list of stylists who are properly licensed. If a customer chooses to support a stylist who is not licensed, they unconsciously waive their right to expect professionalism because that stylist is, by law, unprofessional. That doesn't demote their kindness or skill at all. In so many words, don't expect professionalism in unprofessional spaces, and you won't be disappointed.
There, I said it.
To keep up with Lakia and The Kia Xperience Salon, follow her on Instagram @thekiaxperience or visit www.thekiaxperience.com.
Featured image via Giphy
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Still, as Mandi worked to get to know herself and her needs during this new phase of life, she realized the home she’d purchased wasn’t a good fit. Overwhelmed by the echoing of her voice in the spacious home, she had a breakdown and called her cousin, who immediately suggested she lease the home and live somewhere else. “I woke up in my house, and I was like, ‘This is not it for me,” she says. “All those years, I had been accustomed to living a certain way [and] in a certain house, so I bought myself a house like [my old home]. But my family was not the same. Waking up in that house by myself, it highlighted the divorce. I was like, ‘Oh, no, we can’t do this. This is not it.’ My life has changed, so my choices need to change.” At that moment, Mandi became open to the idea that there wasn’t one set way to achieve ownership on her own.
“I feel so much better. I’m in a smaller place. My best friend lives a minute from me and I can walk to her house,” she tells me during a Zoom interview from her home one recent afternoon in early February. In the past two years, she hasn’t just been advising other people on varying circumstances, she’s also been healing herself.
"During my 20s, I was not ready for more. I was living a really crazy life. It was unpredictable. I was helping somebody else grow. It was a lot, and it was intense. I was not pouring into myself the way I should’ve been."
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
If supporters began following Nazanin Mandi because of her conventional beauty or the contagious, bright, white smile she often wears in many of her photos, that’s likely not the reason they’ve stuck around. Instead, she’s amassed a following based on her transparency about her own anxiety and depression, along with the encouraging messages of self-acceptance, gratitude, ambition, and humility that are often sprinkled into her social media posts.
In an era where looking at Instagram photos of models can often lead to feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, Nazanin Mandi is determined to be more than eye candy. She’s food for her follower’s souls, too.
Since being recruited to model while dining at an In-N-Out at 10 years old, Mandi has worked in many areas of entertainment. The Valencia, California native has modeled for brands such as Olay, Savage X Fenty, and Good American. As a teen, she sang at Carnegie Hall and auditioned for season 1 of American Idol, making it all the way to Hollywood before producers disqualified her for lying about her age. (Mandi was 15 at the time, and contestants had to be at least 16 years old.) Mandi has acted, too, including appearing on Disney’s That’s So Raven as a teenager and on the BET+ series Games People Play and the Prime series Á La Carte in more recent years.
In recent years, though, she’s also expanded her professional goals outside of entertainment, too. After becoming a certified life coach in 2020, Mandi launched the membership platform You Bloome in 2022 with the hopes of providing wellness services to others, including her self-published gratitude journal. “I wish I had access to something like You Bloome earlier in my own life,” she writes on the company’s website. The actress, who has been forthcoming about her struggles with anxiety and depression, has never had a life coach, but credits therapy as a tool that “really, really saved me and it laid the foundation to who I am becoming.”
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
"I’m trying to find the balance between living life and knowing that whatever is meant for me is going to happen, but also know that I’m doing everything in my power to make those things happen and better myself."
While she’s always had a nurturing personality, Mandi says her interest in becoming a life coach was inspired by the women who would message her for advice on social media. “I would answer them back. It really sparked a fire within myself to help people,” she says.
You Bloome currently has three membership tiers, ranging in price from $2.99 to $39.99 per month. The highest tier offers a motivational text message twice a week, two live, group coaching sessions per month, and more. “We get emotional. We cry. We laugh. It’s really beautiful. I’ve built close relationships with my members through this. It’s been inspiring both ways,” Mandi says of the sessions. Still, the founder says she hopes to take on more motivational and keynote speaking opportunities in the future with the hopes of impacting as many people as possible.
And, she’s hoping to do all of this while continuing to explore a career as an entertainer.
At this point in her life, Mandi says she’s gained enough perspective on modeling, music, and acting to realize what she wants to prioritize moving forward. “We are going full force with acting,” she says, noting her goal is “to book a series regular or a film that impacts my career and the world.” She plans to continue to model, too, but has no desire to pursue music.
“I don’t want any part of that because I know what that life entails,” she says. “I don’t want to tour. I don’t want to do any of that. That is not where my heart is at.”
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
If you ask Mandi, she’ll tell you she feels most comfortable in front of a camera, but she’ll also admit that she’s recently experienced a lot of imposter syndrome when thinking about her acting career. “I think it’s a fear of not succeeding,” she says. If anything, she adds, she’s harder on herself now than she’s ever been. “There were distractions before. There’s no distractions now,” she says. “I’m putting pressure on myself for no reason.”
This is where the life coach’s own personal healing comes into play. Mandi says she’s learning recently that “slow progress is still big progress at the end of the day.”
“Currently, I’m trying to find the balance between living life and knowing that whatever is meant for me is going to happen, but also know that I’m doing everything in my power to make those things happen and better myself,” she adds.
Still, one of Mandi’s strengths is that she doesn’t feel the pressure to limit herself to just one passion. From working as a life coach to pursuing acting, she has given herself grace to explore all other dreams.
“We can be allowed to be many different things in this lifetime,” she says. “As people, our identities are allowed to expand. Don’t put us in a fucking box. I cannot live that way anymore.”
For more of Nazanin, follow her on Instagram @nazaninmandi.
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Featured image by Solmaz Saberi
Still, people are finding love every day, so how can we go from being amongst the brokenhearted and nonbelievers? How can we get to the meat of what our needs truly are to find the love we've been searching for? Beverley Andre, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist says that the key is getting out of your own way.
Q: How can we get in our own way when it comes to relationships?
A: We get in our own way in relationships by having rigid expectations that make it difficult or impossible for someone to meet. I know this is a hot topic regarding having and maintaining standards, but there’s a fine line between reasonable expectations and creating a barrier that is nearly impossible to break through.
You have to assess the standards and see if they are genuinely in protection of you and maintain the standard of how you want to be treated, or are the standards fueled by fear and what you're really trying to do is avoid feeling hurt and disappointed, so you create this cycle where you set impossible standards that no one can meet, therefore limiting the possibility of close intimate relationships, leaving you feeling lonely and frustrated.
Q: In this dating age and era, how can we determine what our needs are versus our wants?
A: Your needs are tied to the core values and belief systems, while the wants are personality and lifestyle considerations, so I recommend creating a list of both. Identify your core values early on because those are your principles and qualities that matter most to you in a relationship. Those values are fundamental to your overall well-being. For example, do you want to be with someone who wants children, has integrity, and aligns on finances? Your values should be your deal-breakers that weed out people who are not in alignment.
For wants, think of physical, personality, and lifestyle traits that aren’t necessarily deal-breakers, aren’t tied to someone’s core traits, and don’t compromise your mental wellness. For instance, enjoying 100% of the same interests, specific physical attributes, and shared cultural background. As an extra measure, I recommend discussing your needs and wants with a trusted inner circle and getting their feedback. An inner circle should give you fair feedback instead of just agreeing with it because they’re within the inner circle.
"Your needs are tied to the core values and belief systems, while the wants are personality and lifestyle considerations."
Q: Are there fundamental needs that everyone should have or has on some level in romantic partnerships?
A: Yes, to be seen and heard. No one wants to be in a romantic partnership where they feel invisible, and their needs are met with consistent resistance just because it’s different from their partner. One of the core issues I see with couples is their inability to make space for their partner’s voice and influence. They find it difficult to see the value in what their partner is saying, especially if it contradicts their thoughts and opinions. Therefore, they register it as not being good enough and lacking merit and then get into a cycle where they inadvertently want their partner to change their minds and prove to them why they have a point.
Q: What are different examples of needs that everyone has?
A: Respect, open communication, similar values, sexual chemistry, and feeling safe emotionally and physically.
Q: How can we get to the meat of what our needs are so we can in turn get better at communicating what our needs are from an empowered place versus a disempowered one?
A: Identify your unmet childhood needs and heal them. I often see people trying to heal these wounds in relationships with people who aren’t responsible for creating them or fixing them. You can communicate your needs from an empowered and healthy place if you’re not starving. Getting to the meat of your needs will require self-exploration, curiosity, and patience to understand why the need is even a need.
"Identify your unmet childhood needs and heal them. You can communicate your needs from an empowered and healthy place if you’re not starving."
Q: What do you find your clients who are succeeding in relationships have done differently in explaining their needs to their partner?
A: They have done the self-work and healing to know their needs through individual and/or couple’s therapy. Most of the clients I’ve worked with never had the space to develop their thoughts around their needs. They’ve adopted their needs based on what they’ve seen in their personal lives from family growing up, movies, and now social media. Until you have a healthy relationship with yourself, where you’ve identified your needs and are meeting them, it isn’t easy to have that with someone else. You can’t communicate and give what you don’t know and have.
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