5 Relationship Rules Me And My Husband Have Chosen To Ignore
The funny thing about marriage advice is that the main people giving it are not married.
They’re either divorced and judging YOUR relationship from disappointments of THEIR past or they have unrealistic #RelationshipGoals of what a healthy relationship should be. My first year few years of marriage have been spent making sense of sharing my life with another person and navigating situations by what’s best for my family and not just what works for myself. It’s one thing when you’re standing at the altar promising to love someone for “richer or for poorer” but it’s completely different when your spouse gets laid off and the bills don’t stop hitting your doorstep although that direct deposit stops hitting the account.
One of the things I’ve most enjoyed about being in a long-term relationship is discovering me and my husband's style as a couple instead of asking, “What would Boris and Nicole do?” Or trying to make our relationship look as good for the ‘Gram as Dwyane and Gabby.
And one of the things that comes with a relationship is making your own rules as couple.
Just like the same rules that apply to the workplace, don’t apply to your home, every couple has to decide what rules are necessary for their own relationship. A week ago I was having a conversation with a male friend that I have had for years and dated for literally a few days in the past. He mentioned that some of his friends were hitting him with the side-eye when he revealed he still talks to me from time to time. “Isn’t she married?” they’d question as if being married meant breaking ties with everything and everyone from my past out of respect for my husband. While marriage includes making traditional vows loyalty and support, it doesn’t mean you have to completely change your personality or abandon any trace of the life you had before. What matters most is that you and your spouse are on the same page and share the same goal of what works best for your family. If that means “Mama” needs a taste of something different from time to time to be happy, so be it. (Actually that doesn’t apply to my marriage, but I’m not knocking Monique for it either.)
Here are a few pieces of marriage advice that I’ve chosen to ignore:
1. No more #MCM.
Let’s be clear: Becoming a Mrs. doesn’t mean I’m suddenly legally blind or that my sexuality has closed up shop unless my Mr. is the one shopping. Posting Drake or one of The Have and Have Nots honeys as my #MCM doesn’t mean I’m one step closer to dividing up the dogs and cars with my husband. I can find another man attractive, funny, or intelligent without wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. You also won’t catch pictures of my husband flexing in your Instagram feed every Monday morning to confirm I still love him and am attracted to him. Being married doesn’t mean you won’t be attracted to other people and hash-tagging someone doesn’t mean they will be the one you’ll break in your AARP benefits with one day.
2. You can’t be friends with exes or members of the opposite sex.
Obviously, a major trait of any good relationship is trust, but I’d argue that an even bigger part is acceptance. You have to accept the person you fell in love with in the first place, and that includes their past. I don’t think it’s fair to ask my spouse to cut off all contact with people who are important to him, especially if they were in the picture before me. What’s most important is that boundaries are clear, as well as maintaining trust and respect.
3. You have to open up a joint account.
I have so many friends that have gotten married and rushed to start combining finances. Months later they are bewildered as to why there isn’t enough money in the account to pay daycare fees, the mortgage, and the electric bill. Another magical thing marriage doesn’t do is make everyone fiscally responsible. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that everything else will work itself out. You still have to sit down with your spouse and decide what works best for your spending habits.
For my husband and I that meant keeping our accounts separate and deciding on a case-by-case basis what we would split the costs for. I remember an older colleague once asked me in amazement, “Your husband doesn’t handle the household finances?” I'm more comfortable with expenses I brought into the relationship being pulled from my own account, You have to create a clear plan about how money will work in your household and adjust it according to the different experiences that can occur whether you win the lottery or someone loses a job. For us right now that means keeping two separate accounts so we all can remain under one roof.
4. Domestic duties should be shared.
Every once in a while my parents will check in on me to ask if I am “happy in my marriage”. Well “happy” to my mother means that my husband and I should trade up dinner duty and household chores every once in a while since we both work full-time. When your husband’s idea of dinner is hot dogs and Rice-a-Roni with a side of cereal, you don’t mind having to change out of your work clothes into an apron every evening. I’m a big believer in taking advantage of others’ strengths instead of dividing up tasks equally just so things can be fair. Since I know my way around a kitchen a little better, I don't mind being the one to make the meals and my husband can focus on other things like taking out the trash and shoveling snow.
5. Don’t go to bed angry hungry.
I’ve witnessed up close and personally that an occasional night spent on the couch is the saving grace some marriages need. As a child, I saw my mom spend a night or two in our basement with only the Lifetime Movie Network and our pet Yorkie to keep her company just so she could escape my dad’s nervous midnight pacing that occurred regularly for some time after he lost his job. It was then I learned that if you don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all. His footsteps back and forth to the kitchen to light a chain of cigarettes mixed with the sounds coming from the TV of a housewife weeping after learning her husband is cheating with the nanny were a lot more comforting than hearing my parents argue over pensions and misspent money. And the morning after those occasional nights they’d wake up early, go to the mall and come back happier than ever.
Apologies can be hard to come by in the heat of a moment after an argument. You may not always catch me saying, “I’m sorry,” just to get some shut-eye in my marriage but one thing that’s important to me is that my husband never goes hungry. Even if we’re going into the third hour of silent treatment, it’s almost always broken by, “I’m ordering a pizza. Do you want anything?” I believe marriage is about making sure you and your partner survive each day together, even if it means being angry as hell but not hungry.
I think the best marriages are filled with inside jokes and rules that make your household a better place to be when the outside world gets ugly. No matter how untraditional or questionable the rules of your relationship may be, as long as you make each other happy, that’s all that matters.
What are some traditional relationship rules you’ve broken for the better?
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Summer Travel Guide: 9 Safest Vacation Spots For Black Women
When it comes to planning and choosing our international travels, there’s one question that is bound to come up: “Is it safe for Black women?”
At times, our travel plans can be halted by whether or not our desired destination is safe not only for solo travel but for overall protection as women of color. We want to have fun, go on excursions, taste the food, and let our hair down, so the last thing we need on our minds is navigating microaggressions and worrying about our safety.
According to a report by The Mandala Research Firm, 17% of Black Americans take one or more international trips and travel locally more than six times per year. Even more exciting, 42% of Black Americans said they would spend more in 2020 on travel than in 2019 (pre-Covid), and 50% of Black adults (16% more than the general population) are more likely to travel to locations associated with their ethnic or cultural heritage. All of this goes to show that we’re not afraid to pack our bags and book flights to our heart's desire.
Our passion for travel and exploration highlights a growing desire to connect with a wide range of cultures while discovering new fresh locales. By choosing destinations with positive reputations for safety and belonging, you can enjoy your next adventure with peace of mind. And to help, we’ve provided a list of the best vacation spots to add to our travel bucket list.
1.Havana, Cuba
Known for its vibrant culture and welcoming locals, Havana offers a unique travel experience for you and your girlfriends. Stroll through the historic streets of Old Havana and immerse yourself in the lively music and dance scenes that make this city unforgettable.
2.Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Famous for its Carnival, stunning beaches, and warm hospitality, Rio de Janeiro is a lively and safe city to explore all year long. Don't miss a visit to the iconic Christ the Redeemer statue and the bustling Copacabana Beach for a true taste of Rio's energetic spirit.
3.Belize
With its beautiful beaches, diverse wildlife, and laid-back Caribbean vibe, Belize is a safe and adventurous destination for travelers. Discover the underwater wonders of the Belize Barrier Reef and explore ancient Lamanai Maya Ruins.
4.Paris, France
Who doesn’t have Paris, the city of lights, on their travel list? Renowned for its art, fashion, and iconic landmarks like the Eiffel Tower, Paris offers a blend of romance and safety for travelers. Wander through the charming neighborhoods of Montmartre and Le Marais, explore the Louvre, and indulge in the city's exquisite culinary delights.
5.Lisbon, Portugal
Portugal's capital city, Lisbon, charms visitors with its historic architecture, delicious cuisine, and welcoming atmosphere. Enjoy breathtaking views from São Jorge Castle and savor traditional pastries at the famous Pastéis de Belém bakery.
6.Bali, Indonesia
We’ve all seen the viral photos off the Bali coast and Gates of Heaven, so why not make it a reality? Famous for its lush landscapes, vibrant culture, and serene temples, Bali offers a safe and enriching travel experience in Southeast Asia.
7.Tokyo, Japan
Recently, the value of the Japanese Yen has seen a significant drop, making it the lowest it has been against the dollar since 1986, which also means that there’s no better time than now to make your travel plans to the renowned cultural hub.
8.Accra, Ghana
There’s no FOMO like the kind felt from seeing all the beautiful faces enjoying their holiday at Ghana’s Afrochella Festival, so let this be your sign to start planning the trip now. Often referred to as a welcoming home for the African diaspora, Ghana offers rich cultural experiences and a sense of belonging. Explore the vibrant markets of Accra and visit the historic Cape Coast Castle to connect with the nation's poignant past.
9.Seoul, South Korea
You may be surprised to find this city on the list, but for Black travelers, Seoul is said to be one of the safest and most exciting cities to travel to. There will be plenty to eat, buy, and experience from this city’s rich history and culture.
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Featured image by Klaus Vedfelt/Getty Images