Why Black Women Are Choosing Careers Over Marriage
I grew up with examples of married couples all around me: my parents, grandparents, and the majority of my aunts and uncles on both sides of my family were together since I was born. As a 10-year-old child who was predisposed to seeing marriage as a normal part of life, I never considered the interworkings of how one comes to be married, but rather, I was conditioned to believe it was something that just kind of happened when you were a grown-up. Fast forward twenty years later and here I am a successful Black woman who has no husband.
While I don't personally feel like I'm missing out having never been married, I can say that it's caused me to do some serious soul-searching, and research, on why some women are choosing to delay the date, rather than save it.
Marriage Trends Among Black Women
For decades, scholars have studied the marriage gap in the United States. It's no secret that marriage rates in the Black community lag in comparison to those among other races. A study by R. Kelly Raley, Megan M. Sweeney, and Danielle Wondra compared the marriage patterns of Black, white, and Hispanic American women. They discovered that Black women married later in life than both age groups and were overall less likely to ever marry. Additionally, Black women's marriages tended to have higher rates of "marital instability." Finally, the study revealed that Black women had higher divorce rates than white women, at all stages of life and ages. And it seems that the more educated a Black woman is, the less her chances for finding a husband who shares her income or educational achievements are.
Additional sources agree that college-educated black women are less likely to marry than any other group. But all is not lost. It's not that Black women don't want to be married, but it seems that Black millennials, in particular, are redefining the ideals of marriage to fit their terms, opting for cohabitation relations or what is known as the beta marriage. Likewise, there may be another trend that offers a glimmer of hope for those still dreaming of wedded bliss. The most dramatic trends are that of interracial dating and marriages with Black women accounting for 12 percent of the US population, according to data from Pew Research Center.
Societal Pressures & Expectations Of Women’s Roles
media.giphy.comConsidering the seriousness of such a commitment as marriage, it baffles me to understand the pressure that comes from people like our family and friends, as kind-hearted as they may be, to almost make you feel at fault for not making the trip down the aisle sooner.
I believe that never marrying or taking time to decide on a life-long partner is an admirable choice, but it seems that people would almost prefer you "try" even if it means you fail at marriage and having kids than to "not try" at all. I can't help but get the feeling that what people really want to say is, "It's all right to try and fail – but goddamnit, you'd better try."
If you grew up as I did, then you likely saw your parents married and grandparents married for the duration of their lives. Because children are a product of their environment, they often live what they learn. And the Disney fairy tales we grew up watching only reinforced the idea that it was our duty as little women to wait for Prince Charming to save us from an unenchanted life rather than to pursue one on our own.
Popular culture and classic films, such as Sleepless in Seattle would also have you believing that singlehood is the worst thing in the world and that your fate would end in one of two tragic ways: becoming an old maid or an increased chance of, get this, being killed by a terrorist. Luckily, for single women, that myth has been thoroughly debunked, but the inscription of the old maid remains forever sketched into our subconscious.
Career Vs. Relationship: You Be The Judge
There have been public discussions over the years that point to reasons for the "single, Black woman". In 2010, ABC hosted an all-star panel to figure out, "Why A Successful Black Woman Can't Find a Man". Some of the reasons included stereotypes, unfaithful partners, and availability of quality mates of the same race, to name a few. Unfortunately, for single sisters out there, the odds of finding a decent Black man are scarce, although not completely exhausted.
According to the U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS) in 2018, Black males accounted for 34 percent of the total male prison population. But for women who are willing to look beyond the color lines, scholarly studies show promise for those who are open to exploring romantic relationships outside their race. When given the odds of finding a suitor that matches your educational, aspirational, and ethnic criteria, one could argue that a longer wait time is the only choice.
Finally, there are economic factors. I would be remiss not to include the fact that sistas are more financially independent than ever before. Although most research maintains that the pay gap is still dramatically lower for Black women than any other group, including Black men, that hasn't stopped us from starting new businesses and flourishing at a rate higher than any other demographic. Gone are the days of being dependent on a man for economic support. While women may not be actively rejecting the onset of a relationship, we are certainly selecting the procurement of the bag.
What Does It Mean To Be A Strong Black Woman?
Black girl magic is nothing new. We know that Black women helped build the foundation that this country stands on today and we continue to contribute to society through our leadership and business ventures. And while this is a good look for us, economically speaking, I'm curious as to what it implies for Black women personally.
For our mothers and their mothers, being a strong Black woman has meant we were caretakers. Not only to our children but also the children in the community and sometimes, other people's children for whom they were paid to care for to make a living.
When you recall the slave experience of Black women who were forced to perform wifely duties for men that weren't their husbands, the idea of marriage may be somewhat disenchanting. Having to cook and clean and launder their clothes for little to nothing in exchange, should it be a surprise that more women aren't jumping at the chance to (jump the broom) enter into a union that never really served them? Sadly, this experience isn't just limited to Black women. History documents decades of women being regarded as inferior to men and limited to subservient roles in relationships.
For single women today, being a "strong Black woman" often means having to step into the role that tradition has deemed as "masculine" or "dominant" to provide for her family if there isn't a male figure present. As single mothers, Black women take on the responsibilities of both mother and father, breadwinner, and primary guardian, for not only her children but also the aging family member, leaving little time for herself, let alone time to nurture a romantic relationship.
In this regard, I can't help but wonder if black women are choosing this option because they see it as their only choice. In the same breath, Black women may not necessarily be choosing their careers, entrepreneurship, or anything else... maybe, just maybe, they're finally choosing themselves.
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Also known as The Real Black Carrie Bradshaw for her relentless love of shoes and emotionally unavailable men, DeJa K. Johnson is unapologetic in her pursuits to find love, happiness, and orgasms. A graduate of UA Little Rock, DeJa earned a Master's degree in Applied Communication with an emphasis on Interpersonal & Romantic relationships. She is also the founder of TheBreakupSpace.com, a safe space for men and women who need help getting over the loss of a romantic relationship. To connect, you can find her on all social media @TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw or send her an email to love@TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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