While many of us wake up reciting affirmations and setting our daily intentions, those of us with big breasts are strapping on a different type of armor to get through the day. We call it our full-coverage bra. It's a thin layer of protection for us unwilling participants in a tacky game I call "Lower and Linger". You know, where you're conversing with someone but their line of sight drops from eye-level to chest-level and just stays there?
Yeah, that one. Never mind that I don't want to play.
Some may argue that this behavior is really no different from crotch-watching or slightly objectifying men in gray sweatpants. But I'm here to dispute that fallacy. Very few people would stand in a man's face and gawk below his drawstring. And those few who would stare would more than likely keep the commentary positive.
Put another way, when his cup is running over, the observation and wonder quickly point to his virility. His intelligence doesn't even come into question. Yet, when our cups overflow, we're immediately judged, ridiculed and shamed.
I've gotten the "I-save-my-cleavage-for-whomever-I-am-intimate-with" remarks. (So the assumption is that I purposely flaunt my titties, sis?) And there are the subtle suggestions that tank tops and v-necks may not be the most appropriate attire for top-heavy women. (But, sis, it's 101 degrees, I'm profusely sweating, perspiration is pooling inside this superhero bra and it's severely irritating my skin!)
Any remaining thoughts, comments and actions almost always lean towards lewd, like someone wishing they were that button on my shirt. Ugh! Somehow, we're viewed as easy, improper, incompetent and even unprofessional and we become targets for both street and work harassment. I read an article about a woman who sued her employer because she was "reprimanded for appearing too sexy." Apparently, her "figure and clothing choices were a distraction in the office", despite wearing turtlenecks.
Another well-known corporation faced a multi-billion-dollar lawsuit filed by a group of women who say they were "constantly solicited for sex by co-workers, ranked on their breast size, and fired if they refuse to play along."
Then, there are my humorous and playful sisters who crack on the slight gap between my buttons and say, "That button is one breath away from flying across the room." But peep this: I consistently smashed my annual goals throughout my corporate career, earning multitudes of bonuses and awards. I've also led productive meetings and successful projects. Yet, in that moment, all my colleagues could see was the slight curve of my breasts. I suppose I must warn them that in states like New York, women commenting on another women's breasts inside the workplace can also be a form of sexual harassment.
But my point is, I detect a difference in interactions after my chest swelled with age. I've noticed how others speak to me as if my level of comprehension has declined. Um, I still got it the first time, sir. But perhaps you didn't understand the subsequent four times you repeated it because your focus was elsewhere?
Please know that I'm not trying to be divisive, superficial or petty. But the whole thing is pretty maddening. We want to look well put-together and recognized for our smarts whether we're delivering our presentations in the boardroom, sitting in the pew interpreting the Sunday word, dining across from a potential new love interest or going live in our IG stories. But we're expected to dress in oversized tunics, shawls and scarves to be heard.
It's also worth pointing out that our discomfort transcends beyond appearance. Large breasts are the root cause for physical pain. True story: One of my friends was trying to be sexy for her husband while she cooked topless. But one of her breasts touched the electric grill. She was stuck nursing a serious burn for several weeks.
Gfycat
Some women have gone as far as getting a breast reduction surgery. A study of 31 women who opted for this procedure revealed a combination of the following symptoms and side effects: 81% had neck and back pain, 77% had shoulder pain, 58% had chafing or rash (not fun or cute!), 45% had significant limitation in their daily activity and 52% were just plain old unhappy with their appearance.
I never considered surgery because I'm learning to love the body God has gifted me, with the exception of these fine laugh lines. But I decided to delve a little deeper into the stigma of fuller busts, because as someone on the higher end of the size spectrum, I just wanted to better understand this oversexualizing and stereotyping.
Why do breasts make folks cringe, blunder and blush? What I found in my search, though, was something else rather mind-blowing and it has turned out to be a total game-changer for me.
The average cup size for non-Caucasian women is actually a DD. Not a B. Not a C. But a double D. And before anyone says, "That's because of augmentation, sis," let me explain. Boob jobs aside, our average cup size has increased over the past few decades because we've been eating. A lot. The average weight for women has increased from 140 pounds in the 1960s to 170 pounds today and, consequently, the average cup size has grown from 34B to about a 36DD.
So, what does that mean, exactly, for us? It means we're normal! Our busts aren't the rare art pieces that should be put on public display. And to think society has us walking around with our arms crossed over our chests looking all defeated, defensive and standoffish because we feel violated. And we're not even an anomaly? I think it's time we set some ground rules.
Many of us have a fuller bosom and at times our breasts may pose physical and emotional challenges as well as exhibit other little perceived oddities. Large boobs may occasionally bounce, jiggle, lay low to breathe, pop up for air or pop out to nourish our babies. But please understand that the next time I wear a fitted top or a strapless jumpsuit, uncovered, it's not a green light to demote me to flirty floozy status or diminish my business acumen.
Know that breasts are a natural part of women's bodies, as natural as the eyes on our faces that we implore you to gaze into whenever you talk to us.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
- 9 Simple Tips to Feeling Confident Without a Bra — Plus 4 Myths… ›
- Being in a Relationship When You Don't Like Your Body - Our ... ›
- Getting it off my chest: life with big breasts | Life and style | The ... ›
- Why I Will No Longer Feel Ashamed For Having A Body! | Ravishly ›
- 3 Realizations That Helped Me Stop Feeling Ashamed of My Breasts ... ›
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
Courtesy
In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
Courtesy
With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
Courtesy
For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
Featured image courtesy