Your Monthly Horoscopes: April 2019
Hey, babes! It's your girl, the Mystic Model, checking in with your April horoscopes. This month brings a much needed refresher after wading through the murkiness of Pisces season in March. We're officially in Aries season, which also marks the beginning of the astrological new year.
On April 5th, we've got a New Moon in the sign of the ram that encourages us to take bold steps towards our dreams. Aries is all about the "self" and this dynamic energy just so happens to be exalted when the Sun is in this part of the sky. Over the next few weeks, the courage to boldly express who you are will come more easily along with the help of Mars in Gemini. This combination of elements—fire and air—will give you the energy to get shit done. However, this coupling can result in clumsiness and accidents if you're not mindful of what you're doing. There's also a tendency to burn out quickly, so try to balance enough time for rest.
Jupiter, the benevolent, goes retro on the 10th until August giving us the chance to engage more deeply with the soul-searching process. This is when the difficult lessons finally start clicking and we're able to see the blessings within our misfortune. On April 17th, Mercury moves into Aries joining the party with the Sun and Mars. Watch out for starting arguments just for the sake of ruffling feathers or proving a point. There's a tendency to be self-righteous and boisterous under this energy. Breathe and count to ten before you proceed with sending that nasty work email to your boss. The Full Moon in Libra on the 19th gives us another chance to revisit relationship issues that came to a head around the Full Moon in March. There's no coincidence that there are two back-to-back Full Moons in Libra this year, driving the message home about clearing our relationship karma and bringing ourselves—mind, body, and spirit—back into balance.
Check out your horoscope below to see what magic April has in store for you:
Aries
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Happy birthday, hottie! The month kicks off with a New Moon in your sign on the 4th, making this a potent time to plant the seeds for what you want to manifest six months from now. On the 10th, Jupiter goes retro and over the next four months, you'll be integrating the spiritual insights you've been receiving through deeper research, study, and reflection. Once this retrograde is complete, you'll come out on the other side feeling more solid in what you believe. Mercury moving into your sign on the 17th blesses you with some brilliant ideas that can enhance your image and energy. People will be more argumentative during this transit. Avoid the drama and stay focused on the bag instead.
On the 19th, the Full Moon in Libra lights up your relationships marking a pivotal point of change, helping you release a long-standing issue with someone or a negative pattern in your relationship dynamics. The Sun moves into Taurus on the 20th bringing your focus to matters of love and money. Venus moves into your sign on the same day, heating up your life even more. Your personal magnetism is through the roof. All eyes are on you! (But what's new?) The month closes out with Pluto going retro on the 24th in your house of career, achievements, and social status. Saturn follows right behind on the 29th going retro in the same part of your sky. The work that you do over the Spring and Summer will have some life-changing rewards come Fall.
Taurus
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The month starts off a little more lowkey for you with the New Moon in Aries on the 4th bringing the focus to your inner-world. This is a time to discover who you are at the core and the programming that needs to be ditched for you to finally embrace the badass that you are. On the 10th, Jupiter goes retro through your house of sex, death, and rebirth. The next four months can help you take a lighter approach to some of your heavier life experiences and the spiritual lessons you're integrating can be embraced with joy. Your personal mantra for the month is "Laughter is the best medicine". Mercury moves into Aries on the 17th, activating your dream world and bringing your fears to the surface. Keep a journal to work through the emotions that come up at this time.
On the 19th, the Full Moon in Libra illuminates your daily routines, health, and possibly some hidden enemies. If you've been questioning whether someone is Team Taurus or not, your dreams can be surprisingly insightful. Any health concerns can come to a head at this point that requires you to tighten up your diet and exercise routine. The Sun moves into your sign on the 20th, ushering in your birthday season! Your ruling planet moves into Aries the same day. During this transit, you'll likely enjoy nesting with your lover away from the chaos of the world. At the end of the month, Pluto and Saturn go retro in your ninth house. Throughout the Spring and Summer, you're given the opportunity to dive deeper into your spiritual understanding. This is a perfect time to sign up for that Reiki class, connect with a spiritual guru, or return to your old meditation routine. Use the time to nurture and water the roots of your spiritual wellness.
Gemini
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The social butterfly of the zodiac can now emerge from its cocoon now that Aries season is here. Both the Sun and New Moon on the 4th bring your focus to new alliances and possibly bridging the gap between you and people you've lost touch with. The people that you're meeting at this time will play a major role in some of your big goals over the next six months. On the 10th, Jupiter goes retro in your house of relationships. You may find yourself revisiting a past relationship or working through some hang-ups during this transit. The energy is also favorable for reassessing any business contracts.
Mercury moves into Aries on the 17th. Be cautious of combativeness and competition amongst your social circle. It may be time to make an executive decision if someone isn't wiling to be a team player. Mars is currently in your sign, making you less tolerable for any negativity that is slowing down the group's momentum. The Full Moon on the 19th lights up romance and creativity for you, making this the perfect date night for some Sips & Strokes. The Sun moves into Taurus on the 20th, giving you a chance to relax after a busy month before we enter your birthday season. Both Pluto and Saturn go retro at the end of the month, initiating you into a deeply transformative process that will heal some of your most tender traumas and empower you in mind-body-spirit.
Cancer
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Career advancement is your top priority this month, with both the Sun and New Moon on the 5th encouraging you to plant the seeds for what you would like to manifest six months from now. This is the perfect time to start working towards that promotion or launching your own business. On April 10th, Jupiter stations retrograde in a part of your sky that has to do with your daily routines and health. Use the next few months to study up on a new fitness regimen or diet that can enhance your well-being. Mercury finally leaves your sister sign on the 17th and moves into Aries. Watch out for power struggles with your boss or your worker bees if you're the HBIC! It's best to err on the side of caution with Mars in Gemini amping up the "know it all" combativeness that can show up in our interactions during this transit. On April 19th, the Full Moon in Libra lights up the area of family and home. You may be saying goodbye to your childhood home in pursuit of making your own mark on the world. This is the perfect time to feng shui your space to invite more love into your home. Any issues with family can also be peacefully settled at this time.
The Sun moves into Taurus on the 20th, bringing your focus to friends and your long-term vision. The people that you connect with now will play a major role in your life over the year to come. Venus moves into Aries on the same day. A workplace romance may be tempting during this transit, especially with someone in a position of power and affluence. The month wraps up with both Pluto and Saturn going retro in your house of relationships, making the next several months good for coming to terms with some heavy love issues and revamping existing partnerships (romantic and professional). Out of all of the signs, you're the one most likely to have an opportunity to revisit a significant relationship from your past to see if your power struggles can truly be rectified.
Leo
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This month is all about your spiritual ascension with the Sun and New Moon on the 5th, bringing the attention to dating, romance, and creativity. Things are heating up for you and this can mark the beginning of a new fling for you. Avoid getting too serious at this time and just enjoy the moment for what it is. On April 10th, Jupiter goes retro in a part of your sky that has to do with higher learning and spirituality. Over the next four months, you'll have the chance to dive deeper into your spiritual learnings and you may even decide to revisit a former practice of yours. Mercury moves into Aries on the 17th, making you even more flirtatious that usual. Keep in mind, that this energy can be super aggressive, and given your fiery nature, it's best to avoid discussions of politics and religion on the first date.
The Full Moon in Libra on the 19th brings your attention to friends and associations. This can possibly result in the ending of a connection to a group of people that no longer resonate with you. However, this can also be the healing balm to restore balance to your connections as well. The choice is yours. The Sun moves into Taurus on the 20th, making the next month all about the home and family. This is a good time to visit your childhood home or revamp your current living space with some cozy decor! Venus moves into Aries the same day, encouraging you to really own your truth when it comes to your creative expression You may surprisingly find yourself attracted to someone you're collaborating with at this time. The month closes out with Pluto and Saturn going retro in an area of your life that has to do with sex, death, and rebirth. Over the next few months, you'll be undergoing an inner metamorphosis and healing issues around power (or powerlessness) to come out on the other side feeling stronger than ever before.
Virgo
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The beginning of the month may be a little more quiet for you with the Sun and New Moon on the 5th in a part of your sky that has to do with the psyche, inner transformation, and the taboo. This time is best spent excavating the inner workings of your mind and addressing any trauma that inhibits you from expressing yourself more authentically. On April 10th, Jupiter goes retrograde and over the next four months you'll be drawn to explore your roots, making this a great time to visit your childhood home. Mercury finally moves out of its post-shadow retrograde phase offering you a much-needed sigh of relief. Your ruling planet begins its transit through Aries on the 17th. If there's an area of your life that you've been struggling to overcome (whether it be an addiction, codependency, trauma), you're encouraged to seek support through counseling, group therapy, or a trusted confidant.
On April 19th, the Full Moon in Libra illuminates your finances, values, and self-esteem. This can be a pivotal breakthrough for you when it comes to your own self-worth in love and money. Stop sleeping on yourself, Virgo. It's time to raise your price tag! The Sun moves into your sister sign, Taurus, on the 20th, making the next month all about higher learning, teaching, and foreign excursions. This is a great time to share your gifts and talents (and make some extra money while you're at it). Venus moves into Aries on the same day, setting you up for a passionate, lowkey rendezvous with a side of BDSM. April closes out with Pluto and Saturn going retro in your house of dating, romance, and creativity. Over the next few months, you may find yourself revisiting an old flame or breathing life into a hobby you've placed on the back burner.
Libra
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The Sun is in your opposite sign this month bringing the focus to relationships with the New Moon on the 5th, encouraging you to put yourself out there. You have the potential to meet an important person, romantic or business, that could figure into your life for some time to come. Jupiter goes retro on the 10th until August and the next few months will find you revisiting old friendships and associations that can be revamped to help you get one step closer towards your long-term goals. On the 17th, Mercury moves into Aries. Be cautious of picking fights with your lover or a business partner. This placement, along with Mars in Gemini, can have you (and others) feeling a little froggy. *cues "Knuck If You Buck"*
The Full Moon on the 19th in your sign places the spotlight on you! This is an ideal time to showcase anything you've been working on behind the scenes or simply posting that selfie of your big chop on IG. The Sun moves into down-to-earth Taurus on the 20th, bringing your focus over the next month to your daily routines and health. This is the time of year when you feel the pressure of getting your summer bod ready. Better late than never! Venus, your ruling planet, moves into Aries the same day, heating up your personal magnetism. Things are getting hot in the love department but maybe not so serious. Have fun and don't place too many expectations on a new fling at the moment. We wrap up the month with Pluto and Saturn going retro in your 10th house, giving you a chance to revise your career goals and strategize a better plan of action for the 2nd and 3rd quarter of the year.
Scorpio
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The month starts off with you feeling empowered to overcome any obstacles related to your psychological wellbeing. With the Sun in Aries and the New Moon on the 5th, you're definitely feeling the warrior spirit in any area of your life that's had you feeling defeated. On the 10th, Jupiter goes retro in a part of your sky that has to do with the subconscious. Your dreamworld will be super active and you'll be receiving tons of insight via your Higher Self and Guides over the next four months. Mercury moves into Aries on the 17th, making you very vocal when it comes to what toxic behaviors you won't put up with (within yourself and from others). This marks a time when you make a clear shift from "Victim" to "Champion".
On the 19th, The Full Moon in Libra illuminates your finances, values, and self-esteem. This can be a powerful time of breakthrough for any issues surrounding your self-worth. There may also be news coming your way about a money opportunity or an expense that needs to be handled. Make sure you haven't been dodging those debt collectors. On the 20th, the Sun moves into your opposite sign bringing your attention to relationships and with Venus moving into Aries the same day, things can get pretty intense. A passionate, transcendental sexual experience can be just what the doctor ordered to unlock your coochie chakra. The month winds down with Pluto and Saturn going retro in the part of your sky that has to do with friends and your long-term goals, making this a great time to revisit old associations that can help make your vision a reality.
Sagittarius
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The Sun is currently in your sister sign, blessing you with a much-needed boost of energy after that heavy ass Pisces season. The New Moon on the 5th encourages you to do what you do best—level up. You're craving new knowledge, ideas, and philosophies at this time and this may be the beginning of a new spiritual journey for you. On the 10th, your ruler Jupiter goes retro until August, giving you the chance to go deeper into the areas of life that you've been expanding in. You may be feeling less social during this transit while you spend time integrating cosmic downloads that you'll need to help navigate your way ahead when Jupiter goes direct. On the 17th, Mercury moves into Aries, making you super chatty about all you've been learning. Avoid self-righteousness at this time. Mars is currently in Gemini, which can make you feel like you know-it-all. As Auntie Badu told us, "The man that knows something knows that he knows nothing at all."
The Full Moon in Libra on the 19th illuminates your mind with an influx of ideas that you can use for that book, podcast, or blog you've been wanting to start. This is a favorable time to release a project via social media. The Sun moves into Taurus on the 20th, bringing your focus to your mental health. This could be a good time to start therapy or join group counseling to support you with any psychological battles. Venus moves into Aries on the same day and you may find yourself attracted to a spiritual guru or someone that shares similar beliefs to yours. April winds down with Saturn and Pluto going retro in through a part of your sky that has to do with your subconscious. The next few months can offer you deep insight and understanding into habits, karma, and past lives that contribute to a misuse and abuse of your power.
Capricorn
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Aries season brings career matters to the forefront over the next few weeks and the New Moon on the 5th can mark the beginning of an exhilarating, new experience for you when it comes to what you do in the world. This can be a time in which you're rising up in the ranks and becoming more popular as well. On the 10th, Jupiter goes retro in an area of your sky that has to do with finances and values. Over the next four months, you'll spend some time revamping your budget and diving deeper into your relationship with money. It's time to address the poverty consciousness that may be wreaking havoc on your bank account. Mercury finally moves out of Pisces after an extended stay, and into Aries on the 17th, and the topic of discussion is about your career goals. Just be cautious of arguments with your boss or worker bees at this time.
On April 19th, the Full Moon in Libra visits your fourth house again, possibly representing the end of your stay in one residence as you prepare to move elsewhere. This energy can also offer a much-needed recalibration amongst any imbalanced family relationships. The Sun moves into Taurus on the 20th bringing your focus to higher learning and spirituality over the next month. This is a good time to expand beyond your current comfort zone of consciousness. Venus moves into Aries the same day and you may find yourself attracted to someone in a position of power. Be mindful of workplace romances especially with a higher up. The month closes with both Pluto and Saturn going retro in your sign, making the next few months a little more introspective for you as you integrate the lessons you've been learning about your personal power.
Aquarius
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Happy April, babe! The Sun in Aries and the New Moon on the 5th brings your attention to your social circle. It's time to branch out and meet some new people that are on your same wave. On the 10th, Jupiter goes retro in a part of your sky that has to do with learning, communication, and social media. The next four months is a perfect time to dive deeper into your studies and to revamp your social media strategy. Mercury moves into Aries on the 17th, which can cause some tension amongst your friends if you're being too bossy or self-centered. Be open to compromise and creating a win-win situation for everyone involved.
The Full Moon in Libra on the 19th illuminates your romance and creativity for you. This is an auspicious, harmonious time for you in matters of dating and you're likely to enjoy a peak experience with sweet connection at this time. If you've been working on a project behind the scenes, this energy is very favorable for your big reveal. The Sun moves into Taurus on the 20th, bringing your focus to career advancement over the next month. Take a practical, disciplined approach to the work that you're doing. On the same day, Venus moves into Aries and you may surprisingly find yourself falling head over heels for a friend or associate. The month wraps up with Pluto and Saturn going retro in a part of your sky that has to do with finances and values. Over the next few months, you'll discover the power of embracing and validating your gifts that you'll more openly share with the world come the Fall.
Pisces
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You are working your way around the astrological wheel once again with the Sun in Aries and the New Moon on the 5th encouraging you to put your gifts and talents on display. This not only can benefit you financially but the positive reception you receive from others will boost your self-esteem as well. On the 10th, Jupiter goes retrograde in a part of your chart that focuses on your roots. You may be revisiting your childhood home over the summer or diving deep into your family's ancestry. Mercury finally moves out of your sign after an extended stay, and into Aries on the 17th, giving you a much-needed breath of fresh air. Your dreams will be super active, if you're not dealing with intense bouts of insomnia. Stock up on the chamomile tea and lavender essential oil to help calm your nerves.
The Full Moon in Libra on the 19th illuminates your daily routines and health. A longstanding imbalance in these areas of your life may reach a critical boiling point forcing you to strive for balance in your every day affairs. What we consume plays a big role in our mood and energy. It may be time to let go of the caffeine or dairy if it's not sitting well with you. The Sun moves into Taurus on the 20th, bringing your attention to your friends and organizations that you're a part of, making this the perfect time for volunteer work. You're a humanitarian at heart so make sure you're sharing your positive vibes, whether that's with your homegirl that's going through a rough time or a homeless person in need of a kind gesture. Venus moves into Aries on the same day. You'll likely want to lay low with your lover during this transit, preferring the privacy of what goes on behind closed doors.
We wrap up the month with Pluto and Saturn going retro in a part of your sky that has to do with learning and communication. Research and writing are supported at this time, making it an ideal transit to create new content that will get your social media accounts buzzing with more followers and engagement.
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This Couple Almost Let Their 8-Year Age Gap Keep Them From Finding Love With One Another
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
I’m willing to bet that this is not the first time you’ve seen this couple. Dalen Spratt is a television producer, owner of a tailored men's suit line, and creator of Ghost Brothers: Haunted Houseguests, which is currently streaming on Destination America. Stacey Spratt is also a serial entrepreneur, focusing mostly on events and the nonprofit world, and she is the owner of two award-winning craft beer bars called Harlem Hops. But their accolades are not what united them.
The couple met years ago at their alma mater, Clark Atlanta University, when they were still working to create the life they have now, and if you had told them then that they’d eventually tie the knot, the pair probably would’ve laughed in your face.
Today, they’re new parents, flourishing in their careers, and each others’ “teammates.” When desiring love, Dalen recommends not looking to other couples for advice. And Stacey advises staying true to what you want. “Don’t put age or limitations on love and children. If God could do it for me, why can’t he do it for you?”
Here's How We Met.
How did you meet?
Dalen: We met in 2005 when she was advising the Greek sororities and fraternities in college. She was old as hell in college, and I was a young buck (laughs). Everybody had a crush on her, but I didn’t think much of it. Then, in 2007, we were in the same grad school class, but she still wasn’t trying to see me then either. I had to catch her five years ago; I was very patient.
Stacey: Yeah, everybody in our grad school class called him Young, Fresh to Death because he was always dressed in B-school (what CAU affectionately refers to as business major classes), and we’d just wear sweatpants (laughs).
So, I know Dalen was always attracted to you. But what about you? Did your attraction to him develop over time?
Stacey: So 2006-2008 – all the years went by. I don’t think we were really thinking about each other at all back then. Years later, I had an event in Dallas, and I booked him to be a speaker. Then, a few years ago, Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: "If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you." But I still thought he was too young at the time, and he started pulling receipts. Taraji P. Henson was dating someone young at the time, Gabrielle Union–
Dalen: First of all, I didn’t do that. You did that.
Stacey: Okay, I did. I thought he was a cutie pie, but that age thing was on my mind!
"Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: 'If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you.'"
Courtesy
Talk to me about the first date. How did he change your mind?
Stacey: Our first date was at Tin Lizzy's in Atlanta. During that time, he was living in Dallas, so it was long-distance. But he came into town, and we just had a good time. We talked a lot, which we still do. It wasn’t anything fantastic.
Dalen: Don’t downplay our first date.
Then, walk me through your courtship. How did you get to the next level? What was that conversation like?
Stacey: I think he knew at age 43 or 44 I wasn’t playing around. But also, I think it just naturally progressed.
Dalen: Yeah, it just happened naturally. And I’m going to be honest, I don’t think initially either one of us thought it would be as serious as it was. She thought I was too young and I wasn’t ready for marriage, kids, and all that. I think we both thought we were just hanging out. But after spending so much time together, a lot of stuff started happening. Like, she had to have surgery early on. It wasn’t just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That’s why we still don’t have an anniversary date because we never really asked.
"It wasn't just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That's why we still don't have an anniversary date because we never really asked."
What made you want to commit to each other?
Dalen: The moment I knew Stacey was for me was from a phone call. I don’t really like talking on the phone, and I can be really blunt sometimes. But we were talking, and I said, ‘I don’t really feel like talking anymore.’ And she was just like, okay, and hung up. I wasn’t trying to be rude, and she understood that. It sounds bad, but that’s how I knew she just got me. I felt like she could get my random awkward moments, and she does to this day.
Stacey: For me, I liked him as a person. Even when times get rough and tough, I could still like him as a human. He is my best friend. We have time. We laugh until we cry, and it’s just always like that. Even when we get pissed at each other, something happens, and we fix it. Also, how he treats his mother. That’s a momma’s boy, but I’m a daddy’s girl – so I get it. I know how I want to be treated, and I see how he is with her and that’s beautiful.
What are some important lessons you’ve learned about yourself through loving your partner in this relationship?
Dalen: I grew up an only child and she grew up with siblings. So, when you have someone who is used to doing things by themselves, there is definitely a learning curve when you get into a serious relationship. It’s funny now, but it was definitely a process.
Stacey: I agree – definitely the only child thing. There’s times I look at him like, did you ever live with anyone else? That comes from being momma's baby, too. I have to say, my “mother-in-love” spoiled him. But also with Axel (their daughter), that brings another level of patience.
Photo by Paras Griffin/Getty Images
What was the biggest challenge that you had to overcome together?
Dalen: We’ve gone through a lot within the years we’ve been together. We suffered two miscarriages – I’d say that’s the biggest.
Stacey: Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me. I was wondering if I can’t carry [a child] what that looks like for us. We had very real conversations pretty early in our relationship.
"Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me."
What do you fight the most about?
Dalen: Nagging. Stacey nags; she’s a complainer. She’s that momma that will look in a room and just hunt for something to complain about. Like, I’m worried for Axel when she's in high school.
Stacey: It’s because I like things to be in place. He leaves stuff all over the place. I can tell where he’s been in the house because something is left around. So he says I’m nagging – but it’s like, just get your stuff.
What are your love languages?
Dalen: Stacey is gifts all day.
Stacey: *thinks*
Dalen: We’ve talked about this. xoNecole is about to cause problems in our home (laughs).
Stacey: Obviously I love you. *thinks again* It’s words of affirmation.
Dalen: That’s it.
What’s your favorite thing about each other?
Dalen: I’ve always respected her business-mindedness. That may sound superficial, but it’s not because I’ve never been with someone who thinks like me. It’s one of my most treasured things about her. I remember one day, I was just running through ideas with her, and each time Stacey had a suggestion on how I could make it better. It’s just very comforting. She takes whatever I’m doing and elevates it – including me.
Stacey: I love Dalen’s hustle and creativity. He’s been on multiple shows, and he continues to create, produce, and reinvent himself and the product he’s putting out. I love that we can create together and bounce things off each other. Even though we may be in different arenas, there’s nothing he can’t offer me great advice about. I love that drive.
Finally, how did you know it was love?
Dalen: Well – she said it – first. (laughs)
Stacey: And he looked at me and smiled! He didn’t say it back. We were on a trip, out of the country.
Dalen: We were arguing when she said it, and she just threw it out.
Stacey: But we continue to do that. We’ve spent holidays and everything outside of the country.
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Feature image courtesy
It’s semi-consistent that someone will hit me up based on an article I’ve written and will say, “Where did you come up with the idea to tackle that?” Although I do spend a good amount of time hanging out in cyberspace to see what folks are talking about, you’d be amazed how much inspiration comes from my clients, chile. And today’s topic? You already read the title, and yeah, it really is wild how much of an issue this is in a lot of relationships — marriages included.
How in the world folks let something like this get past them before jumping the broom, I will never (EVER) know because even if you and your partner decide to practice abstinence before saying “I do” (yes, some people do still do that), intimacy isn’t just about sex. And so, if you plan on vowing “until death parts us” to another individual, conversations need to get hella extensive, deep, and personal when it comes to what each other’s wants, needs, and expectations are — both inside of the bedroom as well as outside of it. And yes, oral sex applies.
Listen, I tell people often that you are in over-the-top denial if you think that someone is going to sign up for monogamy (the original definition of that is marriage, not dating, by the way; “exclusivity” is a more appropriate word for dating dynamics) and either end up in a sexless marriage (which is sex that transpires 10-15 times a year) or one where their sexual needs end up going unmet (especially on a consistent basis).
So, if cunnilingus is a big deal to you (and sis, I totally get it if that is indeed the case) and he’s either not interested in, umm, “meeting you where you’re at” or even if he’s simply less than enthused about doing so, please don’t just grin and bear it in silence. THAT IS A PROBLEM THAT IS ONLY GOING TO GET BIGGER.
That said, let’s look into how this issue can be addressed…
What’s His Reason?
GiphyRemember how I said that my clients inspire me a lot as far as content goes? Well, I’ll never forget sitting across from a man who was an elder at his church. Chile, he was a real trip because while he had no problem with his wife going down on him (more on that in a sec), he said that there was no biblical stance behind him “returning the favor.” Don’t get me started on how many times church folks act shocked by how much Word I know, and you know what? I am very aware of the fact that sex is mentioned in the Bible quite a bit.
For instance, I Corinthians 7:5 tells married couples not to deprive each other; and that sex needs to happen consistently. The Message Version of I Corinthians 6:16-20 speaks to sex not being designed to be casual. The Song of Solomon? Chile, that book is so graphic (if you know how to read in between the lines). And then there is Proverbs 5:15(NKJV): “Drink water from your own cistern and running water from your own well.”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: a cistern is not only “a reservoir, tank, or container for storing or holding water or other liquid,” it is also “a reservoir or receptacle of some natural fluid of the body.” That second definition? Yes, the vagina would certainly qualify — so thinking that there is some spiritual reason to not engage? I don’t think there is one. Not for married folks.
Still, I’m using this as an example because no one comes up with something like an anti-oral stance without some sort of reasoning behind it. It might be how they were raised. It might be some sort of religious thing. It might be because they had a bad first (second or third) experience. It might be because they are afraid and are too scared to (openly) admit it. It might be because they are simply selfish individuals. Whatever the case may be, if you’ve got a partner who is against cunnilingus, remember that good sex typically includes some levels of emotional intimacy. Don’t just accept what he’s saying — talk to him about it.
Does He Expect Fellatio, Tho?
GiphyMany of us know the position that DJ Khaled was on a few years back; you know, when he said that he expects oral sex from his wife, yet he doesn’t give it. Now, to be fair, there is probably some cultural and religious stuff behind it all, but still: he was talking about being a king, and that is why he should be serviced — and how could we not see a lot of ego in all of that?
Personally — and if it’s TMI, I apologize in advance — I never found myself in the position where oral sex was going down, and reciprocity wasn’t present. I did have one sex partner where it never happened, yet it wasn’t for a lack of him trying or offering (I just didn’t want to for some reason). For me, my sexual history consisted of people who were my friends…which means we knew each other really well…which means we knew each other’s sexual needs and expectations way before anything ever transpired.
However, even if that’s not the case for you, if “head” hasn’t gone down yet, talk all of this out. If it has, and it seems like you’re the only one on the giving end, you need to bring it up. After all, closed mouths don’t get fed — or eaten (I mean…). If he gives you some DJ Khaled rah-rah, that’s gaslighting to the billionth degree because if it’s a religious thing, most religions promote abstinence outside of marriage. If he comes at you on some what I once heard R&B singer Keith Sweat say at a concert here in Nashville, that “real men don’t need to go down on women” because their penis should be enough — that’s nonsense.
For one thing, if you should be fine with just his penis, he should be fine with just your vagina. Secondly, a lot more women climax from cunnilingus than vaginal penetration alone — so, if he’s a pleaser, he’s gonna want to make sure that you get pleased. And if he isn’t one…that means sex is mostly about him, and he sucks (no pun intended) for thinking that way.
And what about you? Should you keep on…pleasuring him in that fashion if he’s not willing to “return the favor?" My vote is “no” because you are rewarding his selfishness, which is something that we’ll get more into in just a moment. That said, I will put on record that since every successful relationship includes levels of compromise, there is something else that you should consider.
Is He Open to “Compromise”?
GiphyCompromise. On so many levels, it is the foundation of pretty much relationships. And how do you compromise when it comes to something like this? Compromise can be how long he’s down there for (because if you’ve ever been with a man who enjoys going down, you know that he can be there for quite a while…and we appreciate it!). Compromise can be bringing sex-related condiments like whipped cream or honey into the dynamic. Compromise can be “counting up to 69” (if you know what I mean) so that he can be receiving pleasure while he’s giving it (which can serve as an absolutely awesome distraction). Compromise can be not expecting it every time sex goes down.
Would I compromise with a man who wasn’t big on cunnilingus? Probably not because that’s how big of a deal it is for me. However, I get that sometimes you can meet a good man, and his not being interested in “being a giver” isn’t exactly a deal-breaker for you. If that is indeed the case, compromise is the middle ground that just might work for you.
Okay, but what if you can’t bend in this department?
Is It a Deal-Breaker for You?
GiphyA few years back, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom.” And although “no oral sex” wasn’t on the list, I don’t think it’s shallow in the least if that is something that you just can’t seem to do without, especially if you’re gearing up for (or are already in) an exclusive type of situation. Again, it can’t be said enough that when you sign up to be someone’s one-and-only, and they do the same thing for you, this means that you are to be looking to them, and them alone, to get certain needs met.
And here’s the irony about deal-breakers: what they basically mean is two people came to the negotiating table and couldn’t find a middle ground. And while, I don’t think that anyone should feel bad about not doing something that they don’t want to do, if your man’s reason for not going down on you is simply, “I don’t want to” and he’s not even open to trying to find some workarounds, you’re probably going to find yourself very unhappy and sexually unfulfilled up the road and that means that there is a huge potential for other problems down the pike too.
It can’t be said enough that a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out after two people have tried to work things out. If the two of you have openly discussed the topic and he’s not willing to try to bend and you’re not willing to give oral sex up — no, it’s not shallow to end the relationship. Dating is about seeing who meets your needs, and it’s more than fair to see oral sex as a bona fide sexual need.
Do You See Signs of Selfishness Elsewhere?
GiphyAre there some people who just don’t like oral sex, no matter what? Of course, there are (check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?”). Hey, I even wrote a while back about some people who aren’t fond of kissing (check out “Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?”). Now I will say this: for the very few I know who don’t like to give or receive, they don’t apply when it comes to what I’m about to address that is probably the issue for everyone else who takes a pass on oral sex: selfishness. And since we’re talking about guys who don’t go down, specifically, in this piece — selfish men.
Do you know what I’ve noticed about those types of guys? They tend to be selfish in other areas too because, what they are essentially saying is, that they want you to do what pleases them while not being interested in returning the favor. And that tends to manifest in other reasons. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself the following questions, and then be real with yourself about the answers:
Do you find yourself doing most of the work to keep the relationship going? Are you the bigger giver overall? If you weren’t the one initiating calls, dates, etc. would you even be in a consistent relationship? Does he rarely compromise? Do you keep putting other needs that you have on the back burner? Does he make you feel like other wants that you have aren’t that big of a deal or that you are blowing things out of proportion for not getting them met? Does he try to make you feel guilty for having certain expectations?
A wise person once said that good sex is 10 percent of a relationship while bad sex is 90 percent because the bedroom sets the tone for the rest of the room of the house. That said, if you’ve got a man who won't go down on you (or acts like it’s a chore if he does), it’s clear that your bedroom has some issues. And so, I can’t help but ask: How’s the rest of your “house” doing? If it’s selfish elsewhere, that’s an even bigger red flag.
All You Can Do Is Ask. Discuss. Then Make Your Move. One Way or Another.
Season 1 Doesnt Work Like That GIF by The Roku ChannelGiphyThe reason why I decided to provide some things to think about instead of writing what I think a blanket solution should be is because the reality is that when it comes to stuff like this, no two couples are the same; there are so many nuances to sexual needs that it’s impossible to cover it all in just one article.
What I did want to make sure of is you knew that 1) your sexual needs are legitimate; 2) the way to address getting them met is to not suppress or make assumptions; you need to address them head-on, and 3) if he’s not willing to give you what you need (or want, if you choose to see cunnilingus in that fashion), you’ve got some serious thinking to do. Because, again, going the distance with someone who isn’t meeting a sexual desire that satisfies you can be a setup for all kinds of drama that could be avoided if the two of you aren’t kind enough to each other to say, “You know what? Maybe we’re not as right for each other as we thought.”
Sex is the only thing in a relationship. NOT. AT. ALL. At the same time, I’ve been working with sexually unhappy couples long enough to know that if you don’t take your needs seriously, “snowflakes” have a way of turning into avalanches.
If he won’t go down on you, address it. If he’s not willing to budge, don’t feel bad for making a move… on someone who wouldn’t even dream of this being an issue in the first place.
And sis, there are PLENTY of men out here who are just like that. TRUST.
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