10 Men Told Me How They Like To Be (Emotionally) Pampered
One day, I'm gonna get around to writing a piece on signs that a woman has some bona fide daddy issues. Why? Because I don't see how any of us could have a healthy relationship with our father (not just a relationship; a healthy one. That really can't be said enough) and then turn around and find a way to dog men—especially Black men—out at every turn. Without hesitation or apology, I will say it until every single cow comes home because, that's how much I mean it—you cannot be pro-Black and be anti-Black men (same goes for Black men when it comes to Black women).
That's why I intentionally seek to write content like what I'm about to share. As someone who is a huge advocate of Black love—both romantic and platonic—I think it's important for us to hear what Black men need and for them to hear what we need as well. Unfortunately, far too often, when it comes to what guys desire from us, we tend to either tell them what we think they should have or decide amongst ourselves. Hmph. I sit in enough counseling sessions with married couples to know that both of those approaches are more counterproductive than not.
So today, we're gonna tackle the topic of emotional pampering. What's that? What's sad is, when I brought this up to one of the guys in this feature, he was stumped for an entire day before he could express what he needed in this area. "I'm so used to women only thinking that their needs matter, that I honestly don't know how to answer that question. I think I've had a wall up for so long when it comes to my emotional needs that I assumed they would never get met."
That's not good, y'all. Not by a long shot. To be pampered is "to treat or gratify with extreme or excessive indulgence, kindness, or care". I've known this guy for decades at this point. He's a good man. Do you know how deep it is for him to say that he feels like no woman has made treating him with great kindness and care a priority? Wow.
Emotional pampering is something that should be seen as a necessity, not a luxury, in relationships. If you want to protect and preserve the one that you have with the men in your life, here are what some fellas told me makes them feel loved on, in this particular kind of way.
***middle names have been used so that folks can keep their private lives private***
10 Black Men Define Emotional Pampering in Their Own Words
Evan. 32. In a Relationship. "Wow. This question is kinda deep. I never thought about being pampered in any emotional way. But now that you've broken the definition down, I just want to be listened to. I kinda laughed when there were all those memes about Kamala needing to check Pence for over-talking her during their debate because I was like, 'Do women realize that's how they are in relationships?' I can't tell you how many times I've not been able to complete a sentence or I've been told that how I feel isn't the truth, just because a woman might not understand. It happened with my mom while growing up and in a lot of my relationships now. Poor listening is a sign of disrespect with men and women. I'm a man, so I'll just say that a lot of women don't get how much of a disconnect they create when they refuse to listen to the man in their life when he's sharing where he's coming from—whether they like it, agree with it or not."
James. 44. Single. "Care is pampering, huh? If that's the case, I feel like a woman truly cares about me when she asks me how I'm doing and accepts the answer. If I say that 'I'm fine', there doesn't need to be any more crime scene investigating, just because she might not offer up one-word answers if someone asked her the same thing. If I say that I'm not and I share what's going on, sometimes I just wanna get my feelings off of my chest and just hang out afterwards. Watch a movie. Vibe to some music. Have a glass of wine. A woman who really cares about how I am, takes it at face value, and then just calmly shares my space with me while I process, is some next-level lovin'. It might not sound deep, but it is."
"Poor listening is a sign of disrespect with men and women. I'm a man, so I'll just say that a lot of women don't get how much of a disconnect they create when they refuse to listen to the man in their life when he's sharing where he's coming from—whether they like it, agree with it or not."
Roger. 28. Single. "This might sound weird, but you know how I like to be pampered? You leaving your past in the past. Can I get an 'amen' on this because, so much drama can be avoided in relationships when people make sure they aren't comparing their exes to their current situation. It's lowdown to be out here comparing me, holding me to a crazy standard you've come up with based on your damaged psyche, or deciding that I need to fix some other guy's f—k ups. That only causes me to raise my guard and that doesn't help the relationship to get anywhere. Going into a relationship with as little baggage as possible might seem like a low bar but men, we love it. It spares us so much bulls—t."
Kendall. 24. Single. "I like when I'm not held accountable for my vulnerabilities. There is nothing like telling a woman something that's difficult to talk about and then she uses it as ammo when you least expect it. One ex of mine, I shared with her how bad I was with money in college because I wasn't taught anything about finances while growing up. When I lost my job while we were dating, she immediately went in on how I needed to budget better since I was 'bad with money'. Women are always talking about wanting a man who will be forthcoming with them. If you really want that, don't penalize us once we are."
Anthony. 39. In a Relationship. "What a great question. Personally, I like it when a woman foresees a need and meets it. She knows my love language and speaks it. She remembers what my favorite meal is and makes it or orders it. If she can sense that I need space, she gives it without making me feel guilty. A woman who makes it a point to be in tune with how a man moves is sexy as hell to me."
Malik. 47. Married. "Kindness is a form of pampering? Hmph. I don't think I ever knew that. Now that I do, I'll say that my wife is extremely good at emotionally pampering me. There are a million examples, but I think my favorite is she doesn't try to change me. When I was dating, I came across women who thought I was their project. While they liked certain things, they had the mentality that they needed to do some 'alterations'. That's annoying as hell. My wife loves me just the way I am. Likes me just the way I am too. And when you're sharing life with someone who enjoys you for who you are, I don't know if there is a greater act of kindness, to tell you the truth."
"My wife loves me just the way I am. Likes me just the way I am too. And when you're sharing life with someone who enjoys you for who you are, I don't know if there is a greater act of kindness, to tell you the truth."
Kyle. 36. Single. "Boundaries. To me, that is what emotionally pampering is all about. There are some things that are just between me and my lady, period. She's not telling her mom. She's not telling her best friend. It's not brought up 'anonymously' at work. A lot of us don't trust easily, as it is. I get that women are sometimes more relational than we are, but why does that mean that you need to have my business all out in the street? We want to be able to share everything about us, but not if we think your girlfriends are going to know about it. Knowing my lady is a vault is how I feel safe with her. Feeling safe doesn't come up enough when we talk about what men need from women."
Winston. 26. Single. "Wanting to understand where I'm coming from is really kind to me. I don't just mean in my relationship with a woman either. What I'm talking about is, if I'm talking to a woman, any woman really, about something that's happening in my life, rather than them feeling like they need to be some sort of 'emotional coach', they just work to get where I'm coming from. As Black men, we're misunderstood a lot. Women who try and sympathize or even empathize with certain issues or struggles means more than most women know."
"Knowing my lady is a vault is how I feel safe with her. Feeling safe doesn't come up enough when we talk about what men need from women."
Samson. 33. Engaged. "Encouragement is a big point for me. My lady now is great at that. I'm actually really attracted to women with strong personalities, but I think a lot of women think that correction is encouragement. It's not. Remember that scene in Brown Sugar when Taye Diggs' character told his wife that he quit his job because he was unhappy and she immediately started preaching about how dumb of a decision that was? Wanna know why he ended up with fine ass Sanaa Lathan instead? Because she encouraged him. Why would you want your man to be somewhere where he's not happy? It's hard enough being a Black man out here without having your woman trying to mother you all the time. Pamper me by having my back and letting me know that you think I can do whatever it is I set out to do. That kind of woman is one in a million, boy."
Xavier. 40. Divorced. "I feel extremely cared for when a woman doesn't assume that I don't like some of the same things that she does. I would consider myself to be really masculine, but I enjoy flowers, cards and spontaneous dates. You might've heard that if we get sex and food, we're pretty happy. Well, first, that needs to be good sex and good food. But seriously…simple acts of forethought and kindness are all that a lot of us want or need. Just knowing that you want to make us feel cared for and about is enough to make a good man want to give a woman the world."
These are just 10 men and their thoughts. What I recommend is that you ask the "main" man in your life, along with some of your own male friends and/or co-workers about what makes them feel emotionally pampered too. It's not about judging or editing their answers because, if there's one point that these men have driven home, it's that emotionally connecting is key and that comes from taking their words and feelings—well, literally.
All of us need to be pampered—treated with great kindness and care. Make it a point to emotionally pamper the men in your life. You might just be surprised by how much it will benefit your relationship with them…if/when you do.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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