A dead bedroom can kill any relationship. In all long-term, committed relationships, couples experience various phases, from the initial passion to a more complex and enduring connection. Yet, as time passes, sex may decrease, which introduces an issue often referred to as "bed death."
According to Advance Psychology Partners, 'bed death' occurs when individuals in a committed relationship experience a decline in the frequency of sexual activity and fall short of the desires of both or either partner. It is sometimes labeled a "sexless relationship" due to the infrequency of sex. In the U.S., an estimated 20 million people find themselves in such relationships.
This shift is a significant change for couples. Let’s face it: no one wants to be in a sexless marriage or relationship. But how can couples effectively confront the impact of fading physical intimacy on the overall health of their enduring partnership?
"I have found that many factors influence one's desire to dive, and it is often not a majority of just one thing. Most people assume that if they don't desire [sex], they are no longer physically attracted, but in my experience, that has little to do with it most of the time," explained Brittanni Young, LMFT, CST.
"Some of the heavy contributors that I see most often include excessive goal orientation towards orgasm, people not prioritizing their own sexuality, and the landfill of ‘should’s’ that develop from toxic sexual scripts created long ago in upbringing," she added.
Furthermore, these issues are not exclusive to any particular orientation, but it does manifest differently.
Young is a licensed marriage and family therapist, sexologist, and board-certified sex therapist who practices in Georgia and Florida. She has worked in the sexology field for over a decade. Young helps couples and individuals looking to get through challenges of all facets facing sexuality and intimacy, such as desire mismatch, over-compulsion, and dysfunctions. She recently launched a deck of intimacy connection cards called "Show Me Your Cards." Young is working on another product that helps teach children to consent and negotiate appropriate touch. She sat down with xoNecole to discuss what causes the decline in the bedroom, the myth of 'lesbian bed death,' and recommendations on overcoming "bed death."
The Decline In Intimacy
Intimacy often dwindles within relationships, a phenomenon triggered by various factors such as stress, the insidious monotony of routine, and the toxicity of unresolved conflicts, to name a few. While couples manage daily life, exchanging intimate desires and concerns may take a backseat. Sadly, this gradually erodes the closeness once shared in the relationship.
"Typically, the first thing I do when working with a couple on desire challenges is rule out medical causes by referring them to their primary care physician or other provider they are working with," Young shared. "There are times when unmanaged or mismanaged conditions factor into low desire levels. Also, many medications can wreak havoc on keeping desire levels up, such as antidepressants, SSRIs, anti-anxiety, and blood pressure medications, to name a few."
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"Next, I look at the state of the relationship. If there is dissatisfaction in the relationship, then it definitely affects how close and intimate one wants to be to another. There are also plenty of individual factors one can bring into the equation, such as low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, feelings of shame or guilt around one's own sexuality, and external life stressors that can get in the way. I find that life stressors can be a big one for folks, as once you get in the habit of not prioritizing sex, it tends to stick," she added.
Fortunately, there are ways to prevent "bed death." It can involve prioritizing your wants and open communication about sexual needs.
"What tends to be effective for all couples is taking an inventory of how satisfied they are with their sexual behaviors and engagement. Being truthful in this vein can be the start of unlocking inhibitions that can keep you from seeking out and being genuinely vulnerable in intimate spaces," Young explained. "Next, I suggest opening up lines of communication around these truths. When people assume that nothing can be done, hope is lost."
The Myth Of 'Lesbian Bed Death'
The notion of "lesbian bed death" perpetuates a simplistic and inaccurate stereotype about the sexual dynamics within lesbian relationships. Contrary to the myth, the experience of a decline in intimacy is not universal among lesbian couples. The diverse spectrum of relationships among women challenges this oversimplified narrative, emphasizing that the complexities of sexual dynamics extend beyond stereotypical assumptions.
"The notion of 'lesbian bed death' is based on a research study done by Pepper Schwartz in 1983 that found that lesbian couplings fell behind in sexual frequency compared to heterosexual and gay male couplings," Young revealed.
"Several other studies [after] have replicated these findings but give very little information about sexual satisfaction. Despite there being more research needed overall in the sexuality field, more recent research did find that when it comes to the length of sexual encounters, lesbian couples had the longest duration of encounters. To that end, sexual quality over quantity is a better marker of satisfaction, and that is what I pay most attention to in my work. With that said, dissatisfaction can happen in all couplings over time," the sexologist continued.
Factors influencing reduced intimacy among lesbian couples may include communication challenges, societal pressures, and individual variations in libido. Menstruation can also play a role, with some couples navigating discomfort or hormonal changes during this period.
"There are certainly some nuances that come into play with lesbian couples that differ from heterosexual or other-oriented couples. As I stated earlier, physiological factors can factor into the rise and fall of libido. The hormone fluctuations that come from menstruation and menopause can impact desire levels, and it is double present in lesbian couples. Another nuance is the lack of a sexual script from society on lesbian sexual behavior. There are patriarchal roots to sexual research, which have created our societal norms that tend to leave out anyone who isn't heterosexual," Young stated.
Overcoming The Challenges
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While 'bed death' challenges couples, solutions are within reach. By identifying and addressing the underlying causes, couples can rekindle the flame of intimacy and ensure a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
"In the words of Esther Perel, another sexual professional in the field, 'love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.' I recommend keeping it in the front of your mind, prioritizing, and keeping it interesting. Be open to learning more about your own sexuality every day, as well as your partner. You are always growing; what worked for you 20 years ago may not be the same today. Stay curious with one another and be open to exploring new ways to pleasure. You deserve it," Young said.
For instance, Young advised that couples should "keep sexual encounters light and playful." And not be afraid to introduce new elements, such as toys.
"Touch often in ways that are consensual and feel safe! I made 'Show Me Your Cards' to serve this purpose specifically. Just because you do not feel in the mood to go all the way does not mean you aren't in the mood to hold hands, exchange body massages, or dance together. Connecting often in any physical form, as long as it feels pleasurable, still counts as 'being in the mood,'" she said.
Overcoming the hurdles of "bed death" and debunking myths surrounding 'lesbian bed death' offers a unique perspective for couples grappling with the difficulties of sustaining a connection. Learning the proper ways to work through a sexless relationship can help foster a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
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That’s not to say that there aren’t times when I find myself hella triggered while watching the program, though. I say that because I literally can’t believe some of the issues that continue to exist (BIG ONES) after someone has proposed and their partner has accepted. Financial drama. Family drama. Distrust. Toxic levels of communication. Sometimes stuff that makes you wonder how and why a couple are friends let alone engaged to one another. SMDH.
Yeah, as I recently said in a podcast interview not too long ago, I really wish that marriage therapists, counselors, and life coaches would normalize recommending premarital counseling to people before anyone puts a ring on someone else’s finger. I say that because, as someone who wholeheartedly believes that there would be a lot less divorces if premarital counseling was so much more thorough than it tends to be, I also think that if two people really pondered if they should even get engaged to begin with…there would be more solid marriages between individuals who are good fits for one another instead of fleeting weddings between two people who really had no idea how deep marriage is.
And so, as unconventional as it may be, today I’m going to make my case for why, anyone who is considering marriage up the pike, should get into premarital counseling BEFORE a ring is bought, anyone gets on one knee and definitely prior to a wedding date being set.
Premarital Counseling Should Not Be Treated Like a Mere Formality
GiphySomeone in my world right now is engaged — and I’m not thrilled about it. They are super young, hella broke and there is a lot of drama going on between both sides of their families. When I spoke to the bride-to-be about the importance of getting some premarital counseling, I thought that I was going to throw the phone across the room when she shared with me that they were going to go for “a couple of sessions.” Chile, with all that she shared with me, they need to be in counseling for at least six months (more on that in just a sec) and yet, she said that the pastor that she was speaking with thought that 2-3 meetings would suffice.
Umm…in what world? You can’t even get to the root of why there is so much contention with the family members in a couple of sessions and they have a whole lot more red flags waving than that. And yet, sadly, we’ve gotten so used to premarital counseling being seen and treated as nothing more than a mere formality that it’s not really taken seriously — and that can prevent engaged couples from taking what they are about to get into as seriously as they should as well.
And don’t get me started on how true this is once you’ve already got a ring on your finger because there’s a really big chance that you are going to move forward with your wedding whether counseling goes well or not — if for no other reason than your pride doesn’t want people to know that you called your engagement off (check out “These 12 Women Broke Off Their Engagements. Here's Why.”).
And that is reason #1 why I think that premarital counseling needs to happen before an engagement — because 1) you can take your time because there is no wedding to plan for yet and 2) you don’t have to worry about what you should do about your engagement if you realize you shouldn’t be together…you’re not engaged yet. Moving on.
Premarital Counseling Should Be More than a Couple of Sessions
GiphyClients of mine who have plans to get married can vouch for the fact that if you’re going to work with me, don’t book a first session if you want to get married within a couple of months. Shoot, I tend to spend 5-6 sessions on intimacy alone because it’s important to discuss things like what you were taught about sex, how your first time impacted you, if you are a virgin what inspired the decision, what your expectations of sex are, how religion has influenced your views of sex, how you prioritize sex in a marriage, what you think the purpose of sex actually is — and that’s actually just the tip of the iceberg!
And since there is so much more that comes with being married than just having a healthy sexual dynamic (although that is easily in the top five if you understand the purpose of sex in a marital union), how can three 30-minute sessions even begin to scratch the surface?
Have mercy, y’all, with the divorce rate still hovering somewhere around 50 percent, statistics revealing that couples who engage in premarital counseling are typically able to reduce their chances of ending their future marriage by a little over 30 percent, it’s almost tragic that reportedly only 36 percent of couples go premarital counseling, to begin with.
And if you want to go the distance of what most people vow (which is a promise) during their wedding ceremony of being together until death parts you — how in the world can you prepare for that without getting as deep and detailed as possible about things like: your childhoods; your communication styles; your values; your future plans and goals; your emotional needs; your sexual desires; your vices; your strengths and weaknesses; your expectations; how you handle money; your (potential) deal-breakers; your parenting styles; the baggage that you carry from past relationships; your boundaries with family members and friends; how you plan on dealing with holidays and special days; how you handle disagreements; if your home is going to be traditional or not; if your home is going to have Scriptural standards or not; who is going to clean what; who is going to handle what — need I go on to prove that a couple of sessions simply ain’t gonna cut it? I doubt it.
Premarital Counseling Before Engagement Takes the Pressure Off…to Get Married
GiphySemi-recently, while at a funeral, I ran into a guy who I hadn’t seen in, shoot, at least 15 years. As we were walking to our cars and catching up on our lives, I said, “I have always meant to tell you that you and your ex-fiancé have always been heroes of mine.” They’ve been broken up even longer than the last time I saw him and so, understandably, it took him a minute for him to even get where I was coming from. “Oh, [insert her name here]? Why do you say that?”
My reason is because they actually attended a church in Nashville that does what I believe: that you should participate in premarital counseling before getting engaged. Anyway, although he and his girlfriend actually “passed” the counseling process, they ended up breaking up anyway. I remember, even back then, him saying that after they really considered all that comes with making a marriage work, they came to the conclusion that they weren’t each other’s best complement (check out “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life”). GOOD FOR THEM.
Yep, another reason why I’m a huge fan of premarital counseling happening before getting engaged is because I think that most people will listen better to what is being said to them if they took this approach. They will really stop to consider if they should even go from dating (or boyfriend and girlfriend) to getting engaged — because (and it can’t be said enough) I need everyone to remember that by the time you are someone’s fiancée, all that means is you two are in a season of preparing for your wedding day. Engagement is not about seeing if you need to get married or not. IF YOU DON’T KNOW THAT, YOU DON’T NEED TO BE ENGAGED (YET). AND YES, I AM YELLING THAT.
And if you’re in premarital counseling, not engaged and you see that you would be better off not becoming spouses, then there is no pressure to get married. Because you are not fiancé and fiancée. You are seeing if that should even happen…and it tends to be a lot less stressful to admit that it shouldn’t when you’re not at the point of being officially engaged…yet.
Premarital Counseling Can Save a Lot of Money (in the Long Run)
GiphyI have this theory that easily 80 percent of the married couples who ended up getting a divorce, a part of them wanted to call off the wedding the night before. Why didn’t they do it? For the same reasons why some of the members of my own family didn’t (and honestly should’ve and ultimately ended up divorcing anyway): venues were already paid for; dresses were already purchased; deposits were already put down; plane tickets were already bought, family members already have non-refundable investments — in folks’ minds, it’s simply too late to not go through with it.
Listen, if you think that being in a miserable marriage or getting divorced is easier than calling off a wedding, I don’t know who told you that lie. Besides, even if it is a little embarrassing, it actually takes a lot of courage to declare that you respect the covenant and contract of marriage too much to go through it just because you want to avoid feeling uncomfortable for a little while or you don’t want to lose money that you’ve already spent.
And yet — imagine how much this all would totally be a non-issue if you never spent any money in the first place (engagement ring included) because premarital counseling prior to getting engaged revealed to you that there is no need to plan a wedding because either you’re not with the right person or it’s not the right time? The investment in counseling prior to getting married may cost you a grand or so (give or take) and yet it’s still gonna be cheaper than paying for a wedding — one that very possibly shouldn’t be happening in the first place. And that will preach.
Premarital Counseling Should Focus on Different Things than Engagement Counseling
GiphyUnpopular (or at least uncommon) opinion: premarital counseling and engagement counseling should be separate. While premarital counseling should be all about figuring out if the person you’re thinking about marrying someday is an ideal fit for you, engagement counseling should be about providing tips and tools to make your wedding planning and newlywed years a smoother transition. Because, although we live in a culture that thinks a lot like my 13-year-old goddaughter does (that there isn’t much of a difference between a boyfriend, fiancé, and husband), people who are dating are not nearly as serious as people who are engaged and people who are engaged are not nearly as serious as people who are married.
Each season of a relationship comes with its own weight of responsibilities and while being in a long-term relationship, you should explore if you and your partner should shift into considering marriage, once you have declared that you are suitable for one another (which is what engagement is about), it’s well past time to be out here trying to figure out if you should get married…now it’s time to figure out how to do it. BIG DIFFERENCE.
So yes, I think it would be a total game-changer, indeed, for more therapists, counselors, and life coaches to encourage premarital counseling (should we get married?) to people who are (seriously) dating and engagement counseling (we need tips for preparing for our wedding and transitioning into becoming newlyweds) to those who are actually engaged.
If steps were taken in this fashion, I definitely think there would be fewer daters wasting each other’s time, more engaged people focusing on what the engagement season is truly all about — and both would take the importance of marriage counseling more seriously and literally as well. Because something else that research reveals is that 90 percent of married couples who attend 90-minute sessions, once a week, for 10 weeks, report that it ended up improving their emotional well-being and 75 percent said that the sessions made them feel more satisfied with their relationship overall.
Counseling does that. Counseling does that.
Just sayin’.
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