I clapped for Rihanna back when she checked the world and reminded them she's nobody's role model--she's simply living her damn life. It was real then and it's real now, specified at those who unduly ask celebrities to conform for the sole purpose of parenting the children of the world.
In the words of a wise internet person (who, that I'm unsure): f*ck them kids.
All jokes aside, the world tends to want their role models to fit the stiff stature of a homogenous society while some of the best role models have been anything but "socially acceptable". Despite acknowledging that "well-behaved women seldom make history" and having zero regard for the miserable lives we would ask celebrities to subscribe to under the guise of being a so-called-"good" role models.
Because being a good role model in our world means not living a life worth living -- it means ridiculously asking that celebrities be flawless at all times even when they're young and most deserving of that learning curve and the grace we grant to the rest of our youth as we learn to fly.
We ask that people live a facade and feign shock when we find out that a celebrity has overdosed after years of closeted addicition, or government officials are exposed for their closeted kinks and sexual preferences amongst other things. I have to wonder if any of these things would be so salacious and jaw-dropping if we just let people live in their truths to begin with. Well, at least those whose truth do no tangible harm to others.
All any of us can do is our best, and for many of these stars (well before insta-fame), the goal was to simply thrive and be able to take care of their families using their talent. This shouldn't mean that they have to sacrifice an authentic journey. We often hear stars cite "the pressure" as the root cause of drug addiction; and WE HAVE TO KNOW, in part, that pressure comes from a fanbase and media outlets that demand that they uphold an image of innocence that is unrealistic and not at all true of any human being walking this earth.
And I know without a doubt that this standard is always far more impossible for women than men--providing little to no leniency for those moments we deem uncouth and immoral when it comes to women. How do I know? Well, one word: patriarchy! And history has taught us that it is a woman's role to maintain purity while it is a man's role to cause sexual upheaval as he sees fit...and, of course, be providers.
With that in mind, I encourage us to embrace the importance of having role models who are confident, raunchy, sexy, independent, experimental, and most of all: living.
If we were only ever given the Lauryn Hills and the Beyonces of the world, then we would continue to uphold a patriarchal standard of purity and wouldn't have the true versatility necessary to bust down the glass ceiling we so desire to have removed.
Nasty women don't just live in the arenas of the politico. Many of us like to quote and post vintage photos of the sultry pastimes that walked so we could run during this and every other hot girl summer to come.
Yet, somehow, we still manage to ignore the one thing that made them stand out during their time: reckless disregard for the rules of sexuality and gender norms. It's not lady-like for women to hang with the big dogs and many of the most historical women made history by doing so in a multitude of ways and sometimes they weren't the best choices; but it is our poor choices that we learn the most from.
Legends like the "Queen Bee" Lil Kim, Missy Elliott, Trina, Foxy Brown, and those that predate them like Eartha Kitt, Josephine Baker, and Lena Horne -- none of them followed the rules regarding what it meant to be a woman in this world.
And had they not broken the rules, can we genuinely say we'd love them the way they do?
I say all of this to say, please please stop pushing the narrative that we solely need more Lauryn Hills in this world when the reality is, we could use any woman who changes the narrow-minded expectations of how we as women should move through this world.
Stop negating the empowerment behind the lyrics of musical artists because you would prefer that your kids only be exposed to music that promotes a lifetime of missionary and under-the-radar-living. As I've said many times before, having a well-rounded personality includes all the moving parts of self, including an autonomous sexuality and sense of independence. And in truth, many of us will never reach a full sense of independence because we're too dependent on the views of society and being socially abiding citizens.
Personally, Rihanna (if you hadn't guessed by now) and Megan Thee Stallion have proven to be some of the women I stan for the most and it's because I can relate to them in a very holistic way. Rih took music to the next level, exploring topics mainstream woman musicians hadn't touched, has never been one to feign perfection, and has created a Fenty fucking empire. While Megan has made efforts to collaborate with fans to clean up the environment, attends college, and is a self-proclaimed "big ole freak." And we're asking that young girls not idolize them why again?
It's nothing more than fear of those things we can't understand, such as how a woman can be a woman without subscribing to the construct of lady-like-ness. We bop to the beat of male artists exploiting us and then scoff when women take back that power and make a bag. It makes zero sense. Celebrities and particularly badass women won't always be the hero or idol we want but nine times out of ten they will be the heroes and idols that we need.
At least, if we have any hope of raising sexually liberated and truly independent thinking women.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Rihanna Is A Savage In The Most Empowering Way
For The Women At The Intersection Of Cardi B. & Coretta Scott King
Megan Thee Stallion Dropped Her Fire New Album & Here's What You Need To Know
Rihanna's Unapologetic Refusal To Be One-Dimensional Is Our Career Goals
Having a community of people who I can share memories with, lean on in times of need, and inspire each other is something I always valued. I took a moment to truly center in on what I desired from the new friends I would make. Then I realized it all would have to start with me. I had to be centered and confident in who I was to attract who I desired to be aligned with. As someone who moved to a new city and established quality friendships, I gathered these six tips that helped me feel grounded and create community in hopes that it will help you, too.
6 tips to start building community and making new friends in a new city:
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Be true to yourself
Do you know who you are? If someone asked you to describe yourself in three words, what words would you use? In order to develop deep friendships, you must be a friend to yourself first. Know what refuels you and what zaps your energy. Self-study your habits and why you do the things you do. All this will be important to keep in mind when looking to create bonds with others. Every day there’s all kinds of people telling you who you should be, how you should act, or what you should wear. At the end of the day, the only opinion about yourself that truly matters is your own. Spend some alone time with yourself indoors or out at an event you like to truly discover who you are in this season of your life.
Pray about it
Before you step out into the world and cross paths with all kinds of people, it’s important to pray about building your community. God outlines what true friendship looks like in numerous Bible verses such as "Iron sharpens iron." - Proverbs 27:17 and “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.” - Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. If you desire friendships that last, pray about what you seek in friendship. I remember praying for mentally stable, happy, and whole women who moved through life with abundance mindsets. Take a moment to journal about the community you want to build and then pray on it.
Go to fun events to meet people who share your interests
Most metropolitan cities like Washington, D.C., New York City, and Atlanta are known to have strong young professional communities and events where you can connect with others. I highly encourage you to attend events in or near your community to see what the city is like and meet people. It’s likely that the people at the event have the same interests as you, which is a great way to start a conversation. You can start by searching for events on Eventbrite or following Instagram pages that highlight events happening in your city.
Carlos Barquero/ Getty Images
Accept that you won’t be compatible with everyone you meet
While living in your new city, it’s likely you’ll meet a variety of people. Please know that everyone you meet will not bud into lasting friendships, and that’s okay! You are uniquely created and not made for everyone. Then you’ll meet people who are good for only surface-level connections, and then you’ll have your girls who you can get deep with. I think sometimes people can look down on surface-level friendships, but not everyone needs to fully know you. That’s a privilege to have and to accept within yourself. Continue to check in with yourself and be real about who you crave to spend more time with and who is nice to see for a monthly or quarterly catch-up.
Join Facebook groups & GroupMe chats
If you haven’t used Facebook in a couple of years, it’s time to dust your profile off. Facebook Groups is a great place to join online communities for people who just moved to a new city like you. Typically, you have to agree to the group’s guidelines, and then you can join. For example, you can search for groups in the Facebook app by using keywords like women, Black girl, or [the name of your city] foodies. With the GroupMe app, you’ll have to be invited to join an already existing group. While you’re out and about networking, don’t hesitate to ask if they’re in any online groups/communities they recommend you join too.
Be friendly to folks in your neighborhood
When I first moved to my new apartment, I spent the first week walking around the complex and working in the community spaces to get a better feel of it. I was able to meet people in my neighborhood, enjoy small talk, and learn more about what the community has to offer. Step outside of your comfort zone and work in your apartment’s community space or a local coffee shop to connect with others.
Overall, you may feel alone in your new city, but I guarantee you’re not. There are other people experiencing living in a new city too, and all you need to do is find each other. I hope these tips help ease the nervous feelings you have about building a new community and inspire you to make a new friend today!
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