There is no better feeling than reclaiming your power. You know, taking back control of your life. I should know because I spent all of 2019 and most of 2020 reclaiming my power after I gracefully swan-dived into losing my identity. And that is one of the worst feelings in the world – to not know who you are, what you're doing, and why you're doing it. Losing your sense of "why" should be a sign in itself. But oftentimes you don't realize this until you're sitting in the dark crying your eyes out. Because it's in this moment you begin to realize you're on the verge of losing control of yourself if not already.
I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone, it's never easy, and it's never fun. It's one of the most uncomfortable things you will ever go through. But sometimes we need to go through a situation to understand our wants and needs. As I began to step into my power and purpose, the uncertainty in my decisions scared me at first. The unconventional route is a road less traveled – undesired, misunderstood, and judged. Little did I know everything would work out in my favor. And the level of control I have over my life right now is something I never dreamed of.
Here are a few things I learned, and I found helpful in my journey in taking back control of my own life. These things are never easy to do, but with practice it becomes easier. The art of self-awareness takes patience and making a conscious effort to spend time with yourself.
How To Feel More In Control Of Your Life
1.Trust Your Intuition
hip hop squares intuition GIF by VH1GiphyDecision-making is hard, especially when it comes to everyday life decisions. But one of the things I learned was to trust my intuition. You know that weird feeling in the pit of the stomach or the lightness you feel in your chest? Those are signs that something is right or wrong – let that guide you. The universe will confirm your decisions for you too. I remember the day I decided I was done letting a certain situation control me. The minute I chose to move forward with that hard decision, every other related life decision I said yes to started to make sense.
2.Ask For Help
GIF by Iyanla: Fix My LifeGiphyI am not one to ask for help, but I had to learn it's OK to ask for it. I was so used to figuring things out on my own. Because that's just me – my mother raised me to be self-sufficient always. But when you don't have the answer and you're unsure of your direction, know it's OK to seek guidance. Talk to family or friends you can trust or seek professional help from a life coach or a therapist. You'll discover the right techniques and tools you need to get your life back on track.
3.Check-In With Yourself
Don't let days, weeks, or months pass you by without taking a moment to check-in with you. It has to start here. Be aware of your feelings as you go through the process of gaining control of life. Ask yourself reflection questions to understand if the path you chose is working or if there is something you can change.
4.Be Selective With Everything
clueless alicia silverstone GIFGiphyProtect your time, space, energy, and more importantly your heart. When you are trying to gain control of your life, you have to be selfish AF. But I mean selfish in a good way. Be selective in how you spend your time and who you spend your time with too. Be selective with everything and everyone in your life periodt. Communicate to your squad that you're focusing on yourself and that getting your life right is the priority. Trust that the people in your circle will respect and understand your selfishness. Your family and friends will get it – because we all have gone through a period in life where we lose control. And if they don't get it – use boundaries or cut them off. It is what it is, and don't apologize for it.
5.Control Your Thoughts
happy the best GIF by @SummerBreakGiphyControlling your thoughts is probably the hardest step of all. This daily struggle is real too, but it is doable. What you think – is really what you become. You have to have a level of self-awareness to catch yourself when your mind starts to wander into confusion and negativity. The minute you start to think a negative thought, quickly switch to a positive thought or affirmation. It literally takes a second to get your mind right. Practice makes perfect – and it takes 21 days to create a new habit.
Taking control of your life takes time. It's not a quick fix, and it doesn't happen overnight. Find the strength to look in the mirror on the days you don't want to. You have to keep looking at your reflection until you are you again.
Knowing you're in control of your life is a power like no other. And knowing your life is truly yours is something that no one can take away from you.
Be empowered queen.
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We've commissioned these ladies, who are pillars in their respective industries, for tidbits of advice to get you through the best and worst days of mothering. Here, they share their "secret sauce" and advice for other moms trying to find their rhythm.
Emmelie De La Cruz, Chief Strategist at One Day CMO
"My mom friends and I all laugh and agree: Motherhood is the ghettoest thing you will ever do. It's beautiful and hard all at the same time, but one day you will wake up and feel like 'I got this' and you will get the hang of it. After 4 months, I finally felt like I found my footing to keep my kid and myself alive, but it took vulnerability to take off the cape and be honest about the areas that I didn't have it all together. The healing (physically and emotionally) truly does happen in community - whatever and whoever that looks like for you."
Alizè V. Garcia, Director Of Social & Community Impact at Nike
"I would tell a new mom or a prospective mother that they must give themselves grace, understand and remember there is no right way to do this thing and have fun! When I had my daughter three and a half years ago, I was petrified! I truly had no clue about what to do and how I was going to do it. But with time, my confidence grew and I realized quickly that I have all the tools I need to be the mother I want to be."
Nikki Osei-Barrett, Publicist + Co-Founder of The Momference
"There's no balance. I'm dropping sh*t everywhere! However, my secret sauce is pursuing interests and hobbies outside of what's required of me and finding time to workout. Stronger body equals = stronger mind."
Lauren Grove, Chief Experience Architect, The Grant Access, LLC
"I try to give myself grace. That’s my mantra for this phase of motherhood…grace. I won’t be able to get everything done. To have a spotless house. To not lose my cool after an exhausting day. Those things can’t happen all of the time. But I can take a deep breath and know tomorrow is another day and my blessings are more plentiful than my pitfalls."
Rachel Nicks, Founder & CEO of Birth Queen
"You have the answers within you. Don’t compare yourself to others. Curate your life to work for you. Ask for help."
Tanisha Colon-Bibb, Founder + CEO Rebelle Agency + Rebelle Management
"I know love doesn't pay bills but when I am overwhelmed with work or client demands I take a moment to play with my baby and be reminded of the love, energy, science, and Godliness that went into his birth. I am brightened by his smile and laugh. I remember I am someone's parent and not just a work horse. That at the end of the day everything will work out for the good of my sanity and the love within my life."
Christina Brown, Founder of LoveBrownSugar & BabyBrownSugar
"Learning your rhythm as a mom takes time and can be uncomfortable when you’re in a season of overwhelm. Constantly check in with yourself and assess what’s working and what’s not. Get the help you need without feeling guilty or ashamed of needing it."
Mecca Tartt, Executive Director of Startup Runway Foundation
"I want to be the best for myself, my husband, children and company. However, the reality is you can have it all but not at the same time. My secret sauce is outsourcing and realizing that it’s okay to have help in order for me to perform at the highest level."
Jen Hayes Lee, Head Of Marketing at The Bump (The Knot Worldwide)
"My secret sauce is being direct and honest with everyone around me about what I need to be successful in all of my various "jobs". Setting boundaries is one thing, but if you're the only one who knows they exist, your partners at home and on the job can't help you maintain them. I also talk to my kids like adults and let them know why mommy needs to go to this conference or get this massage...they need to build an appreciation for my needs too!"
Whitney Gayle-Benta, Chief Music Officer JKBX
"What helps me push through each day is the motivation to continue by thinking about my son. All my efforts, though exhausting, are to create a wonderful life for him."
Ezinne Okoro, Global Chief Inclusion, Equity, & Diversity Officer at Wunderman Thompson,
"The advice I received that I’ll pass on is, you will continue to figure it out and find your rhythm as your child grows into new stages. Trust your nurturing intuition, parent on your terms, and listen to your child."
Jovian Zayne, CEO of The OnPurpose Movement
"I live by the personal mantra: 'You can’t be your best self by yourself.' My life feels more balanced when I offer the help I can give and ask for the help I need. This might mean outsourcing housecleaning for my home, or hiring additional project management support for my business."
Simona Noce Wright, Co-Founder of District Motherhued and The Momference
"Each season of motherhood (depending on age, grade, workload) requires a different rhythm. With that said, be open to learning, to change, and understand that what worked for one season may not work the other...and that's okay."
Janaye Ingram, Director of Community Partner Programs and Engagement at Airbnb
"My daughter's smile and sweet spirit help me to feel gratitude when I'm overwhelmed. I want her to see a woman who doesn't quit when things get hard."
Codie Elaine Oliver, CEO & Founder of Black Love
"I try to listen to my body and simply take a break. With 3 kids and a business with 10+ team members, I often feel overwhelmed. I remind myself that I deserve grace for everything I'm juggling, I take a walk or have a snack or even head home to see my kids, and then I get back to whatever I need to get done."
Jewel Burks Solomon, Managing Partner at Collab Capital
"Get comfortable with the word ‘no’. Be very clear about your non-negotiables and communicate them to those around you."
Julee Wilson, Executive Director at BeautyUnited and Beauty Editor-at-Large at Cosmopolitan
"Understand you can’t do it alone — and that’s ok. Relinquish the need to control everything. Create a village and lean on them."
Salwa Benyaich, Director Of Pricing and Planning at Premion
"Most days I really try to shut my computer off by 6 pm; there are always exceptions of course when it comes to big deals or larger projects but having this as a baseline allows me to be much more present with my kids. I love the fact that I can either help with homework or be the designated driver to at least one afterschool activity. Work can be draining but there is nothing more emotionally draining than when you feel as though you are missing out on moments with your kids."
Brooke Ellis, Head of Global Marketing & Product Launches at Amazon Music
My calendar, prayer, pilates class at Forma, a good playlist, and oatmilk lattes all help get me through any day.
Courtney Beauzile, Global Director of Client and Business Development at Shearman & Sterling
My husband is a partner who steps in when I just can’t. My mom and my MIL come through whenever and however I need. My kids have many uncles and aunts and they will lend an ear, go over homework, teach life lessons, be a presence or a prayer warrior depending on the day.
Robin Snipes, Chief of Staff at Meta
"Enjoy the time you have to yourself because once kids come those times will be few and far between."
Monique Bivens, CEO & Founder at Brazilian Babes LLC.
"For new moms, it is very important that you get back into a habit or routine of something you use to do before you were pregnant. Consider the actives and things that give you the most joy and make the time to do them."
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