December is a powerful month for the world and a month where love, power, and connection are all coming together as one. With the Astrological transits that are happening this month, true gifts are appearing to tap in to, and the possibilities are truly endless right now. Sagittarius Season is always a time when there is more hope and excitement in the air, and December is no different. There are a lot of opportunities this month if you open your heart to receiving them.
The month starts with Neptune in Pisces moving out of retrograde and going direct on December 3rd. What this means is clarity, hope, and dreams coming to fruition. Neptune retrograde made rose-colored glasses seem like the right idea, and with the blinders off now, you are better able to grasp love and turn your vision into reality. On December 6th, Mercury moves out of Sagittarius and into Capricorn, and this move is all about taking a grounded approach to your thoughts and ideas, and about creating concrete results in your world.
On December 7th, the Cold Moon of the year arrives, and this Full Moon will be occurring in Gemini. With Mars currently retrograde in Gemini, this Full Moon is aligning with passion but is also a reminder that without being in the right headspace, things don’t come together as smoothly. The Moon in Gemini can get a little chaotic, and this Full Moon is an opportunity to let go of what knocks you off your ground and to align with inspiration powerfully and purposefully. Venus enters earth sign Capricorn a few days later, helping us ground the lessons we have learned in love over the past year. Venus in Capricorn’s love language is gift giving and with the holidays prevailing during this time of the year, the mood is right to give love and receive it.
Jupiter makes a powerful move into Aries on December 20th, where it will be until May 16, 2023. Jupiter in Aries is an especially magical time for fire signs and cardinal signs. Jupiter in Aries rewards independence and empowerment and is a time to pave your own path in life. The Sun moves into Capricorn the next day on December 21st, and Capricorn Season is here to replenish, ground, and bring things full circle. Before the month comes to a close and 2022 to an end, there is a New Moon in Capricorn and Chiron goes direct on December 23rd, and Mercury goes retrograde on December 29th until January 18, 2023.
With the year ending with a Mercury retrograde, there is a need to do more reflection than pushing forward, and the closer you are to the heart, the closer you are to your true power in life.
Aries Monthly Horoscope for December 2022
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis is a month of empowerment for you, Aries. As the year comes to a close, you are taking a look at your resources, your wins, and your self-empowerment, and are moving forward with this type of vigor and confidence. December is a time of action for you, and a time of focusing on your personal goals in life and going after them. You hold the power in your hands, remember that.
Some important transits are happening for you for December, and that is Jupiter moving back into your sign on December 20th, where it will finish its lucky transit until May 16, 2023. Jupiter in your sign is a time of blessings, and you are moving into a once-every-decade type of luck right now. A few days later Chiron moves out of retrograde and goes direct in Aries on December 23rd, and you are seeing the positive outcomes of the personal healing you have been through this year.
Taurus Monthly Horoscope for December 2022
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleDecember is all about trusting your intuition, and focusing on where you are headed right now, Taurus. This year you have been learning a lot about your inner guidance system, what manifestation means for you, and how to tap more into this powerful energy. This month you are envisioning your future with optimism, and seeing glimpses of a new day. December is an inspiring time for you, and a time when the vision is clear.
Venus, your ruling planet, moves into Capricorn on December 9th and into your house of adventure. With this transition, you are looking to have more fun as the year ends and your love life is getting a boost of excitement as well. With a New Moon in this area of your chart also on December 23rd, you are moving out of the year with faith, joy, and opportunity. This month overall is a time for you to get the full picture and decide what intentions you want to set forth in your life now.
Gemini Monthly Horoscope for December 2022
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleDecember for you is all about love and balance, and balance and love, Gemini. You are ready to close one chapter in your life and tap into a new one. You are seeing some closures in your life this month, and are moving more into love. With the Sun in your 7th house of romance for most of the month, new developments are taking place in your life regarding relationships and you are getting the opportunity to experience a coming together and deeper connections in love.
The Full Moon of December is in your sign on December 7th. This Full Moon is the Cold Moon of the year, and you are letting go of anything that keeps you away from who you are and who you want to be. You are experiencing emotional renewal, growth, and divine clarity during this time. Your ruling planet Mercury goes retrograde before the year ends on December 29th, and you are leaving the year reflecting on what has been, your belief systems today, and what matters to you most.
Cancer Monthly Horoscope for December 2022
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis is a month of becoming for you, Cancer. You are experiencing an inner awakening in December, and are overcoming some previous challenges. Over the past few months, you have been taking a step back, focusing on your health and your peace of mind, and have been protecting your energy. Before the year ends, you are ready for your big debut, and you are putting yourself out there and letting your divine light shine.
Love is a powerful force in your life this month, as the energy moves into your house of love and commitment. Venus will be highlighting your love zones for most of the month, and you are feeling the unconditional love that you so often give. Jupiter moves into Aries on December 20th and into your 10th house of career, and you are seeing some projects come to fruition and your hard work is being recognized. While Jupiter is in Aries until May 2023, you will be moving through a powerful and fortunate time regarding your reputation, professional life, and career.
Leo Monthly Horoscope for December 2022
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleDecember is a coming together of love and harmony, Leo. This is a month where you get to take a deep breath and relax into the peace and beauty that your life has come to. This month is all about giving and receiving love, taking out moments for gratitude, and enjoying what is. Compassion is filling your world, and there are a lot of pleasant experiences in store for you as the year comes to a close.
Some important transits that are happening for you in December are that Jupiter moves into Aries on December 20th and into your 9th house of travel, spirituality, and adventure; and Chiron moves out of retrograde and goes direct in this same area of your chart on December 23rd. What’s happening now is that your eyes are opening to the possibilities, the gifts, and the love in your life and your future. You are moving into a special time in your life where you are exploring the world around you, meeting new and inspiring people, and seeing firsthand, your power as a divine creator of your life.
Virgo Monthly Horoscope for December 2022
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleDecember is all about finding your balance, letting go of the baggage, and focusing on your personal truths in life, Virgo. This month is reminding you that sometimes when you can’t find the light, you have to become it and light your own way forward. Not everyone is going to understand you in life or get where you are going, but you must be the one to stand in your gifts, your empowerment, and your authenticity.
Your passion is being highlighted this month as you walk into your purpose and let go of the doubts or restrictions of others. With Neptune going direct in your 7th house of love on December 3rd, you are gaining clarity regarding your relationships in life and things are less cloudy here. Venus enters your 5th house of happiness and romance on December 9th, and the space you have created in your life up until now is ready to be filled with more love, light, and hope. By the end of the year, your heart is having its say and you are feeling empowered by what is coming to fruition for you in life.
Libra Monthly Horoscope for December 2022
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis month is all about healing, renewal, and gaining some clarity on your personal belief systems in life and if they have been hindering or empowering you, Libra. In December you are finding your balance between acknowledging and processing what has been, but also turning a new page in your life and not getting too caught up in the past. Your guidance for the month is to take what you know now and to focus on taking one step forward each day.
With Jupiter moving into your opposite sign Aries and into your 7th house of partnership, you are walking into a powerful and blessed time in your love life. While Jupiter is roaming through your love zone until May 2023, you are ready to experience the gifts of connection and commitment and are experiencing a level-up in love. Before the year ends Mercury goes retrograde in your 4th house and you are getting back to the basics, connecting with family, and redefining your safe spaces.
Scorpio Monthly Horoscope for December 2022
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleDecember is a time of rejuvenation and opportunity, Scorpio. You are lifting yourself up from the past, and are walking into your new day. This month is all about getting creative with where your life is and where it’s headed, and about taking a more active approach to your life. Believe in your power as a creator and put some of your inspirations and skills to use this month, Scorpio. You will be surprised by what you can create and manifest for yourself with the right mindset and confidence.
On December 7th, there is a Full Moon in your 8th house of intimacy and rebirth, and you are going through an emotional transformation during this time. The end of the year is about ego death and about gaining your true power from within. Jupiter moves into your house of health and work before the year ends on December 20th, and you are overcoming the past health challenges you have faced this year and have more time and energy on your hands to live free, healthy, and grounded.
Sagittarius Monthly Horoscope for December 2022
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis month is all about aligning with your divine purpose in life, Sagittarius. With Sagittarius Season underway and your eternal flame beaming, you are experiencing true joy and accomplishment this month. December is a time of past, present, and future all coming together as one, and you are living in your divine alchemy. The universe is helping you tap into your personal truths and power this month and you are inspiring those around you.
With the Sun in your 1st house for most of December, this time is all about putting yourself first more, and about living your full potential. The Full Moon on December 7th is activating the power within your relationships and is a time to flow rather than force. The New Moon on December 23rd before the month ends is occurring in your income zone, and this is a good time to set your intentions for your finances for the rest of the year and the year ahead. December is here to remind you that you are worth everything you are currently asking for in life.
Capricorn Monthly Horoscope for December 2022
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleAs the year comes to a close, you are assessing your wins and your losses of the year. This is a month of finding your inner balance, and about giving yourself more grace and compassion through what you have experienced. Your guidance for the month is to not be afraid to be vulnerable with others or ask for help and advice when needed. There is true power in vulnerability, and life is cracking some things open for you this month, Capricorn.
A lot of the energy is in your sign this month with Mercury moving into Capricorn on December 6th, Venus on December 9th, the Sun on the 21st, a New Moon on December 23rd, and Mercury going retrograde in your sign on December 23rd. The year is ending on a Capricorn tone and who better than you to move through this time? What’s happening as the month ends is positive self-recognition and realizing that the vision you have of yourself is a direct correlation to the vision you think others have of you. Align with your truths, and put your happiness first.
Aquarius Monthly Horoscope for December 2022
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleDecember is a time of summoning your inner power, Aquarius. You are feeling confident in the tools you have and the people that are by your side right now, and are leaving the year with more gained in your life than you began the year. This year has shown you how strong your determination in life is, and it is commendable how you have had your back through every step of the way this year.
As chapters come to a close and you walk into a new day, you have love surrounding you and greater opportunities to speak up and share your voice. Jupiter moving into Aries on December 20th is a powerful move for communication in your life, and you are moving into a time of self-expression, connection, and movement. The New Moon on December 23rd is moving through your 12th house of closure, and you are ending the year ready to say goodbye to the past, heal, and accept. This year has been a big year for gaining new foundations in life.
Pisces Monthly Horoscope for December 2022
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis month is all about opening up to receive, Pisces. December is a time of allowing, taking a receptive approach, and letting go of the need to push rather than flow. This month is allowing you to attract some good fortune and love into your life, and you are a powerful force of attraction in December. You have been finding your balance this year, and as the year comes to an end you are ready to receive your blessings that are coming through from the grace you have upheld.
Jupiter moves out of your sign on December 20th, and although Jupiter always feels a little brighter in your sign, you are still going to be in a space to receive good fortune with Jupiter now moving into your house of finances and self-value for the next five months. Income streams are developing and you are being valued for who you are and what you bring to the table. The New Moon on the 23rd before the month ends is a time of friendship and hope, and a time where your manifestation potential is enhanced.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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