The 'Pre-Sex Interview'. To See If You're Both In Sync.
Sometimes, when I'm working with engaged couples who I sense don't know each other as well as what marriage actually requires, I'll encourage them to check out a list of questions that I happened upon, many years ago. No biggie, right? Well, that's until they find out that the list has a whopping 276 questions on it (you can check it out here). It never fails that at least one of the partners will say something along the lines of, "Does it really take all of that?"
In a nutshell, yes. I mean, if you're willing to vow to spend the rest of your life with someone, shouldn't you want to know as much about them and how the two of you mesh as much as possible?
I feel similarly when it comes to sex. Although the movies want us to think that it's all well and good to bypass any real communication and just hop into bed with someone because anything less would hinder romance and spontaneity, real life says that sex is serious. It can impact your health. It can affect how you process present and future dealings with other people. Shoot, based on the outcome of each sexual experience, it can totally change your life. No exaggeration.
That's why I'm all about couples holding a bit of an interview session before doing-the-do. Because if someone in your mind is worthy enough to get that close to you, there are some things that you definitely should be clear about. I'm hoping that these 12 questions can help.
1. How Often Do You Get Tested?
I can't believe that there are still grown ass people in this world who say ridiculous things like, "They don't look like they've got a sexually transmitted disease." What in the world? Listen, years ago, I had chlamydia for a couple of years without even knowing it. A bout of mono and strep throat (yep, at the same time) revealed that it had been lying dormant in my system. Moral to the story—if you are sexually active, you need to be getting tested no less than annually. If you're shy about doing it in a doctor's office, these days, you can also get tested in the comfort, convenience and privacy of your own home. You can usually find them at your local drugstore. If you want a list of some of the best ones that are currently on the market, you can check 'em out here.
And yes, if you are contemplating having sex with someone new, you need to ask them how often they get tested. If they say "every year," ask them if it's been within the past 12 months. On the other hand, if they look at you like you're crazy, share with them what I just shared with you—that they can cop a test at Walgreens or CVS and, if they want to be with you, that is exactly what they should do.
2. Do You Always Use Condoms?
I've got a friend who has herpes. If you think that's uncommon, in the United States, it actually isn't. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, close to 1 in 5 people between the ages of 14 and 49 have it. I personally know at least six. Anyway, something that they're always trying to figure out is when to introduce their status into the conversation of a prospective partner. Whenever they ask my thoughts, I'm on the tip of, as soon as you see things could head towards something sexual, that would be the time. I then follow up with, "outbreak or not, make sure to always use a condom". Sometimes they comply. Sometimes they don't. SMDH.
Y'all, unless you're in a committed long-term relationship where there is a mutual discussion and understanding that things are exclusive, there really is no reason to not put a condom on. It doesn't matter if you're on some other form of birth control or not because that isn't going to keep STI/STDs at bay.
So yeah, if you're considering having sex with someone, getting their views on condom use is important. It speaks volumes to how responsible they are when it comes to their own health and well-being, along with how accountable they are to their partner(s).
3. How Do You Know When You’re Ready?
Now that we've gotten some of the clinical stuff out of the way, let's tackle some other areas because, whether folks choose to acknowledge it or not, sex isn't just a physical act; your mind and spirit get involved too (even when it comes to men, no matter how much they think otherwise). That's why I think another important question that needs to be raised is, "So, how do you know when you're ready to have sex with someone for the first time?" Is it raw attraction? Is it chemistry? Is it once they feel like they and someone else see life the same way? Do they have a steadfast "date count" (date one, date five, date 10)?
The reason why this is so relevant is because oftentimes couples experience a breakdown in communication and it's all based on assumptions and expectations as it specifically relates to sex. Getting clarity on how a prospective partner views the timing of sex can help you to understand if you both want the same things, at the same time—which in a relationship, is crucial.
4. Do You Automatically Become Exclusive When You Start Having Sex with Someone New?
Speaking of "never assuming", lawd. I don't know what makes so many people—in this case, I'm gonna say women—assume that just because they start to have sex with someone, that person is automatically going to stop having sex with other people. Don't let these rom-coms trip you up. The only way you know if someone intends to be exclusive is if you ask them. And yes, this needs to transpire before you give up the goods. No, not so that you can manipulate someone into being only with you by "dangling the carrot" so to speak. It's so that you can be clear on what you're signing up for—physically and emotionally.
Sex is a really intimate act. You have every right to know if you are sharing yourself with someone who is sharing themselves with another person or other people. While the details of what they've got going on is up for grabs, anyone who thinks this question is none of your business honestly doesn't deserve to be up in yours (if you know what I mean).
5. Will You Rate the Importance of Sex from 1-10?
Whenever I'm counseling married couples, something that I discuss with them is how important it is for them to share with their spouse how important sex is to them personally. It's because a huge issue that a lot of long-term couples deal with, isn't the fact that they aren't sexually compatible, it's that their expectation for how often they want to have sex isn't the same.
A one-off, sexually, is one thing. However, if you're planning on having sex with someone for quite a while, it's critical that you ask them to rate how important sex, in a relationship, is to them. Because listen, if you say "4" and they say "9" (or vice versa), I can promise you that there is gonna be some conflict up the road. Better to figure out if you can find some common ground before hopping in the sack. Trust me.
6. Do You See Sex in “Levels”?
What exactly do I mean by this? Last year, I wrote an article for the platform about how friendships come in levels. Well, something else that does is sex. Some people see sex as being purely recreational. Some people only have sex once some sort of emotional connection has been established. Some people wait for sex until there is a long-term relationship or even marriage. And with those levels, oftentimes comes the amount of vulnerability and sharing that they are willing to do, both in and out of the bedroom. I know several people who go through the mechanics of sex without really revealing much of themselves at all. Meanwhile, some of their partners have ended up feeling devastated because they were going "all in" on their end. Never assume that passionate sex is a solid emotional connection. Getting this kind of understanding comes from verbal communication not sexual activity. Again, just about everything has levels to it. When it comes to what your potential partner's levels are—ASK.
7. What Are Your Sexual Priorities?
Priority is an interesting word. It speaks to level of importance. It speaks to when something should occur. It speaks to what deserves to receive special attention. Keeping all of this in mind, knowing what someone's sexual priorities—yes, in this context—is really important as well. Is foreplay a big deal to them or not? How do they feel about afterplay? Do they have things on their sex bucket list that they haven't tried (and want to with you)? How open are they to trying new things? How important to them is their partner's pleasure? Learning what someone prioritizes in the sexual realm can give you a whole lot of insight into their approach to sex overall. And listen sis, the less you are blindsided, the better.
8. What Are Your Sexual Boundaries?
A couple of years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled, "These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom". The reality is, even though you really can't get more naked (literally) with someone than when it comes to sex, most of us aren't so uninhibited that we have absolutely no boundaries or limits at all. What is your partner willing to do? What are they not willing to do? Do they feel some type of way about having sex in their home or their partner spending the night? What are some sexual pet peeves or irritants that they've got? Are there some things that are open to compromise and if so, what are they? Listen, I don't care how much chemistry you have with someone, never assume that your idea of great sex (more on that in a bit) is the same definition they've got. Again, the only way to know for sure is if you talk it out. Disrespecting somebody's boundaries are a big deal. Bedroom limits are certainly not exempt.
9. How Do You Feel About Oral Sex?
While it personally blows my mind, how many grown men and women can take a pass on oral sex (because usually it's the giving not the receiving that they don't like), that doesn't change the fact that it's the truth. Some people in my own world could do without it and boy has it caused problems in the bedroom for them (married and single people alike). You don't want to find out after you've given on your end (or even once you're just naked) that your partner has no intentions on returning the favor. So, if oral sex is a big deal to you, you need to find out if 1) they are down and 2) if they enjoy doing it or merely tolerate it as a means to an end. Hmph. Let me tell it, the folks who are down to receive and not give are revealing more than just their views on oral sex; they're low-key telling you if they're a selfish lover or not because if they want what they aren't willing to give…isn't that the textbook definition of what selfishness is?
10. Does Sex Change the Dynamic of the Relationship for You?
I'm the kind of person who believes that sex changes everyone to some extent. I mean, the oxytocin (the natural hormone that comes from kissing, cuddling and having sex that bonds you to the person you are doing those things with) is enough of a reason to support this stance. Still, some folks definitely end up getting way more attached than others. Plus, not everyone sees sex from the same perspective. I know people who immediately think they are in love after their first time with someone. I also know people who can chalk sex up to being something cool to do, so they don't find themselves super emotionally invested at all. That's because, even if science says that their bodies are connecting with someone, if they mentally and emotionally choose to check/tap out, that can still hinder anything serious from developing.
So yeah, you definitely need to find out if the person you're thinking about having sex with only wants to have sex or if they see that as a sign of taking the dynamic to another level. Again, far too many people create movies in their mind of what they think sex should be and do for them. Then when they get disappointed, they blame the other person. Sex doesn't translate for everyone the same way. The only way you'll know how it affects them relationally is by openly and genuinely talking with them about it.
11. Have You Ever “Faked It”? If So, Why?
Wanna know how egotistical someone is when it comes to sex? Ask them if they know that someone they've had sex with has faked an orgasm before. I don't care if it's a man or a woman, if they come at you with "Oh, I KNOW that hasn't happened"…EGO. The reality is that 75-80 percent of women haven't had a vaginal orgasm before and 1 in 4 guys have admitted that they've faked climaxing. For us, an orgasm comes with contractions (which means our partner should be able to feel some pulsating going on if they are inside of our vagina). For guys, it needs to go on record that a man hasn't automatically had an orgasm just because he ejaculated (men can have an orgasm without ejaculating too). That's why, all of that yelling and wall-climbing aren't a dead orgasm giveaway. Sometimes it's literally just an act.
The reasons why people choose to fake it are vast. Some want to hurry up and get sex over with. Some feel self-conscious about not having one and they don't want their partner to know. Some are unhappy in bed and yet want their partner to be pleased. The bottom line here is faking it is never "just faking it"; there's a story behind it and whatever that account is, it can reveal a lot about a person. For this reason, asking a prospective partner if they have faked it and, if so, why they thought that was the "right" thing to do.
12. How Do You Define “Great Sex”?
When you get a chance, check out "What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be". I wrote it with the objective of expanding the concept of what "great sex" is for mature individuals. And for that reason, I'm gonna close out here. Like most things in life, defining "great" is highly subjective, especially when it comes to sexual activity. Some people think that someone who is down for whatever is great. Some feel like those with a super high libido are great. Others think that sex within the confines of a serious relationship make for great sex. While yes, some things you won't discover on the "great scale" until the act actually transpires, having some sort of insight into what makes someone walk away from a sexual experience with a huge smile on their face can happen before everyone's clothes come off—and it should.
Whew. There you have it. Listen, no one is saying that this has to be an interrogation. Just over a couple of glasses of wine, express that you'd like to learn a few things in the sex department. If he has a mature approach to sex—and you—he'll be open to the discussion. And whether you ultimately decide to move forward or not, you'll have a lot more peace of mind. Guaranteed.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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This Entrepreneur Is Living Proof That Investing In Yourself Helps Shape The Life You Desire
Money Talksis an xoNecole series where we talk candidly to real women about how they spend money, their relationship with money, and how they get it.
When Jillian Smith turned 30 years old, she did what many of us do – started wondering about what the next chapter of her life would be like. She was spending her days working in the corporate world and her evenings planning events for friends and family. And by most standards, doing pretty well. But still, she yearned for more; she desired to start her own business. So, after a lot of hard work and thought, she launched OneTouch Events– all by herself.
Fast forward to today, she’s a newlywed, known for her “pretty conferences,” and works with a group of trusted contractors. Her clients range from thought leaders to speakers, business coaches, and more. OneTouch also hosts celebrations of love, like weddings and baby showers, general events, and more. Actually, they just secured their first national brand, Whataburger, where they helped the fast food chain celebrate their 1000th location at a congratulatory event in Atlanta, Georgia.
It all seems so simple, right? But my thoughts on stories like this are always, how? It’s like, okay, that sounds cool, but– how did you keep paying your bills in the beginning? Or friends and family are one thing, but when did you start finding consistent clients? Well, in this conversation with xoNecole, Jillian broke down the importance of investing in yourself, financial literacy, and how having a clear vision for your life helped her tangibly turn her goals into a reality.
Can you share some of the experience you gained from previously working in corporate America? What did you take with you to OneTouch Events?
I previously worked for Accenture, a Fortune 500 consulting firm, and it’s where I learned people and process management, organizational structure, and business methodology. It was very rigorous and fast-paced, and I was often the only Black person or woman in the room.
But I brought all of my experiences to OneTouch. It’s a boutique firm, but we run it like a Fortune 500 company. For example, before I advertised anything, I had all of our systems built. We had two websites and a clear methodology. From my entry-level roles to manager level, I took a lot of those skills with me.
Jillian Smith
Courtesy
Congrats on the current success of the business, but can you talk to me about the financial struggles you endured starting the process? Let’s take it from the top.
I experienced all the things that no one tells you about running a business. First, I created it while still working at Home Depot corporate. When I made that first leap, I didn’t understand cash flow. I just didn’t know what it took to continue running my business, paying bills, and how to structure contracts and invoices. My first financial blow was in that first couple of years. I mean, I had to actually use my 401k to keep my lights on.
There’s a notion that says, "You have to spend money to make money,” but I learned you have to invest to make money.” And that’s when things changed for me – I paid for a business coach. They taught me how to structure contracts, payments, and etc. There's a lot of free knowledge online, but sometimes those avenues don’t actually teach practicality and what you’ll need to work through. I knew the main elements because of my knowledge base, but I still needed to be educated by someone who understood the industry.
There’s a notion that says, "You have to spend money to make money,” but I learned you have to invest to make money.” And that’s when things changed for me.
What is the best and worst business advice you’ve ever received?
The worst is that you should pay attention to your competition. The reason I say that is because I work better with blinders on. I believe when you pay attention to others, you start to pigeonhole yourself. Our competition is us.
The best piece of advice is to take time to be grateful. Gratefulness has been lost in business and life. Success, business, and life isn’t promised. There are so many people that pour into us and we just have to be grateful for them.
Do you have any money mantras you practice or hold to?
On the productivity side, I’d have to say my “Money Mornings,” which is all about being first. If we’re the first to respond, the first on the books, the first consultation – usually we’ll be there first to the table. Don’t be afraid to start early.
When it comes to affirmations, I’m more biblically based, so everything that I do is just “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not toward your own understanding.” Also, “And in all your ways acknowledge Him because he will direct your path.” So I trust that He will lay it out and everything will be taken care of.
Yes, I love that. Earlier, you mentioned a bit on investing; I’d like to dig into that. What does it look like for you, professionally and personally?
I’ve always looked at life transactionally. Because of that, I invested a lot in the business – I always wanted us to have updated technology and practices. I mean, I invested in a brand designer, business manager, and bookkeeper. My website isn’t just pretty, it brings in a strong ROI (return on investment).
But personally, I actively invest in self-care. It’s something we put on the back burner until you start feeling it in your body. High blood pressure, strokes, and heart attacks are real things. The event planning industry is one of the top 5 most stressful fields. It took me a while to understand the importance of self-care. But now I know you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. My gym membership and health is very important.
Would you consider yourself a saver or a spender?
I am a saver. I actually need to spend more on myself. I’m very conservative when it comes to my finances.
I feel like you are in the minority with that answer. Have you always been good with money?
Actually, yes, I just turned 43, and I can remember being in high school wanting a pager, and my parents told me they weren’t paying for it. I literally got a job and bought my own. So, I’ve kinda always been like that for as long as I can remember, very goal-oriented.
Jillian Smith
Courtesy
Do you have any budgeting tips for us then?
Most of us come out of college with a lot of credit card debt. So, the first recommendation is to get comfortable with how you spend and your balances. I have a spreadsheet with each card with line items and percentage rates, and I just started paying the highest down. But I also saved at the same time. If you’re new to saving, starting with a high-yield online account helps, too. Just start small. It could be $50 to auto-transfer every month, and it’ll grow it over time.
"If you’re new to saving, starting with a high-yield online account helps, too. Just start small. It could be $50 to auto-transfer every month, and it’ll grow it over time."
Out of curiosity, what’s your go-to splurge?
I love a spa. But not like the basic ones. Like, I’m going to the Four Seasons. And also, I don’t really cook a lot, so yes - I’ll eat out. I’m on Zoom like all day, every day, taking meetings, so those are my necessary splurges.
And have you reached your goal? If not, what’s next?
I’m insatiable with my goals, so no – they just keep growing. But a long-term one is to open up my own event facility, that’s in a nice area in the city. I want to be able to compete with some of the bigwigs in Atlanta.
It’s giving luxury. Finally, can you break down how you define wealth?
I’d define wealth as finance and fulfillment. In finance, it means OneTouch Events can invest in our people, our bills are paid, and we have a surplus. Like for example, last summer, I just gave the team a week off to just decompress for no reason, and we had team outings.
Personally, being wealthy is being comfortable in my skin. Last year I spent so much time with my family because I didn’t feel the need to work 24/7 like I envisioned. Wealth and fulfillment is being able to live a well-rounded life.
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