The gag is Black does crack. Not as often as we think but we must be careful with the catchy saying because it lends to misinformation. And while we love the many blessings of having melanin skin, we still have to be good to our skin. As the temperatures and seasons change, we must arm ourselves with the best products and tips to keep our skin on glow. To do that, we enlisted some help.
Self-proclaimed, Native New Yawker, Danielle Gray is a skincare girly we can trust. For years, she's been helping us get our skin together one online video at a time. You may know her as the @stylenbeautydoc on Instagram but Gray has also been featured in Allure, ESSENCE, Good Housekeeping and seen on Rachael Ray, Dr. Phil, and New York Live. We had the opportunity to chat with her about some hacks and products she trusts and this is what she had to say about keeping her skin glowing all winter long.
Courtesy of Danielle Gray
Her top fall/winter skincare must-haves:
- Sunscreen: "Yes, even darker skin—sun exposure also worsens pigmentation."
- Retinoids: "They do a number of things for the skin—help with texture, discoloration, boosts collagen, etc."
- Essence + Hydrating Serum: "Hydrated skin glows, looks bouncy, and is less prone to damage. And yes, you need to hydrate even if you have oily skin. I have oily skin and love using a combo of an essence and a hydrating serum on damp skin, followed by a moisturizer."
- Vitamin C: "It may not be for everybody, but I love vitamin C because there’s good research on its ability to protect the skin from environmental damage, boosting collagen, and its brightening properties. Aka, it comes with receipts that it’s going to help your skin look more snatched and glowy."
- Derm visits: "Okay, I know this isn’t a product, but I love how my derm treatments have made improvements to my skin along with what I do at home with my skincare routine."
Her go-to products for hyperpigmentation and discoloration:
"I know my answer is about to make people mad, but honestly, the best product is very subjective. What your skin loves, my skin may hate. But if you’re looking to treat discoloration, there are some things you can look for, but you’ll have to actually try the products to see how they work for you. Look for ingredients like niacinamide, lactic acid, alpha arbutin, licorice root, tranexamic acid, glycolic acid, vitamin C, retinoids, etc. You don’t need to find 8 different products with these ingredients—look for products that have a number of these ingredients, like Murad Rapid Dark Spot Correcting Serum.
"You also want to use sunscreen religiously–year-round. Sun exposure worsens pigmentation. Avoiding getting discoloration is probably one of the best ways to treat it—though in some cases, this isn’t practical. Irritation can lead to inflammation that can lead to hyperpigmentation. So avoiding irritation to the skin (i.e. burns, scratches, dryness, bug bites, acne, friction, etc.) can lessen your likelihood of getting dark spots.
"Another great tool is a skin of color pro—an esthetician and/or dermatologist who has extensive experience working on skin of color. Some discoloration doesn’t respond well to at-home treatments, and you may need to see a pro—but again, you want to see someone who knows what they’re doing with [your skin] because, in the wrong hands, it could get worse."
Courtesy of Danielle Gray
Her ultimate tip for avoiding dry skin in the winter:
"One of the best things you can do is remove yourself from hot showers. People HATE when I say this, but I’m not telling you to take an ice-cold shower. Hot water zaps the skin, and skin of color already suffers from dry skin—when you add cold winter and drying things like indoor heating and fabrics like wool, it’s a Sahara. Turn the water temperature down bit by bit. You can do it! Another best practice is to apply your moisturizer right after a shower while your skin is still damp."
Her recommendation for a simple nighttime skincare routine:
"Use a gentle cleanser for your skin type and current skin needs, slap on a moisturizer, and good night. If you wear makeup, remove the makeup first, gentle cleanser, and then moisturize. If you want to elevate this, you can use a retinol moisturizer Olay Retinol24 moisturizerso you kill two birds with one stone."
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Featured image courtesy of Danielle Gray
- We Asked A Dermatologist All Your Burning Skincare Questions ›
- All-Natural Ways To Keep Your Skin Super Soft This Fall & Winter ›
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Take a movie that I checked out not too long ago. Although the name of it escapes me at the moment, I do have a habit of jotting down quotes that I like while watching TV (or even when I’m at the movie theater). This particular movie featured one that I happened to like a lot: "Real love is liking who you are the most around another person.” (I like it so much that I’m actually gonna shout it out in my upcoming book!)
I pondered that point while reflecting on some of my past relationships (or situationships) that inspired me to write this piece. Because, when it’s all said and done, if you’re not feeling like your best self while you’re dating someone, you’re basically settling. And if you’re settling, you’re ultimately wasting your time…and his.
Know another sign of settling? Not being as into him as you should be. The thing is, sometimes, some of us want to be in a relationship so badly or we’ve been settling in different other areas of our lives for so long that we’re not sure if we’re really into someone or if we’re just trying to make ourselves be…so that we won’t have to be alone.
If what I said just resonated with you in ways that you didn’t quite expect, let me do you an extra solid by providing six very telling signs that, even if he’s a nice guy, even if you have some things in common, even if the intimacy is “aight,” you’re actually not that into him which means, it really is time to spare you both and…move on.
1. You’re Convincing Yourself to Be into Him
GiphyTime is one thing that you can never get back. I don’t care how much you try to romanticize it by saying that you can “redeem time” or make up for lost time, in many ways, time is like sleep. What I mean by that is, when you don’t get 6-8 hours of rest for a week or so, even if you crash out for a weekend and stay in bed the entire time, it’s not going to help you to get back all of those hours that you already lost. Along these same lines, when you waste your time or something or someone, even if you can say that you learned some things from the experience, you’re still not going to be able to get that time back. Hmph. My last boyfriend took up six years of my life and although it did teach me some things about…a lot of things, I can’t do anything about losing all of those hours, days, weeks, months, and years.
That’s why it is a HUGE red flag (and yes, I am yelling it!) to me, whenever I hear someone sound like they are trying to talk themselves into getting with — or staying with — an individual. Some of my energy? Oh, I know it’s projection because that’s how I found myself in the relationship that I was just talking about. My head and heart were never fully in it — yet I told myself, “Maybe I’ll grow to be attracted,” “Maybe it’s just because he’s so not my type and I have some reprogramming to do” and “Maybe I’m just being shallow.” Chile, thing is, until I could get answers for myself when it comes to all of that maybe-ing that I was doing, I really should have not agreed to commit.
Y’all, I can’t tell you how many couples I have worked with where one — sometimes even both — of them has admitted that they convinced themselves to try and feel something for their partner that wasn’t really there (check out “What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?”). Because of that, they would nitpick issues in the relationship, create problems that didn’t really exist, and actually find ways to make their partner so miserable that they could justify calling it quits. SMDH. This is one of the main reasons why I can’t tell you how many times I have said to folks who are dating who aren’t very happy, “It is so much better to break up than to divorce” — and it all the way is.
So, straight up, if you are out here having conversations with yourself in the tone of “I mean, it’s not that bad” — you are convincing yourself to remain, and, sooner or later, it’s going to turn into an avalanche of either a lot of problems or a ton of regret. I can almost guarantee it.
2. You’ve Got a “Paperclipping” Spirit
GiphyGeeze. At this point, exactly how many dating terms are there out here? Anyway, one that applies to this article is known as “paperclipping.” And just what is that? Well, on the surface level, it’s when you find yourself going on a few dates with someone, and you don’t hear from them for days or weeks on end, only for them to pop up out of the blue with some variation of a “hey, big head” text or DM. And just why would someone do that? According to some mental health and dating experts, it’s basically an ego boost — they don’t really want to be in a relationship with you but they do want to see if they could still gain access to you if/when they feel like it.
The way this translates into being with someone who you’re not totally into is sometimes people will do a variation of this because they like the attention and just how much the person is into them. And so, while they won’t go “all in” like they would for someone who they really and truly care about, what they will do is give the individual just enough to stick around and settle for less; then, when they feel like the person might be starting to tap out, all of a sudden, they will invest some of time, effort and energy that they should’ve been giving all along.
Does it sound low-key evil? It is. A lot of folks do it, though. If you are one of them, karma is a mutha. Stop paperclipping and torturing that brotha. Let him go so that someone will enthusiastically do what you are pushing yourself to do…whenever you feel like it.
3. You Take More than You Give
GiphySelfish people have no business in a relationship. Full stop. However, when it comes to this particular point, I’m coming from a slightly different angle than just that. When you’re really into an individual, it doesn’t really matter what anyone else says or thinks; you dig them and so you’re going to show it. Okay, but when you’re pretty much “meh” about them? That’s when you find yourself not being as proactive as you know you could be or taking as much initiative as you should be. As a direct result, if you’re really and truly honest with yourself, you end up taking more than you end up giving.
Now, this could be on a tangible or monetary level; however, it also could be when it comes to giving compliments, celebrating achievements, acknowledging special days, planning dates, or initiating conversations about the future. When you’re not totally into a guy, it’s easy to let him do, easily 75 percent of the work, when it comes to stuff like this. And because either you don’t want to admit to yourself that you’re not “totally there” with him or because you’re self-absorbed and comfortable with the benefits that you’re getting, you’ll just keep taking…and taking…and taking. Be careful with this one, though. You can burn bridges with people who catch on to you basically using them — and some of those bridges, you may need, one way or another, later down the pike.
4. You “Double Dutch” Intimacy
GiphyBecause I see this far more in my female clients than my male ones, yes, I’m calling out (certain) wives, specifically, on this one. Boy, nothing boils me more than dealing with a married couple who has sexless marriage issues, only to find out that the wife married her husband for reasons that had nothing to do with being attracted to him and/or she was never really interested in having sex with him. Years (sometimes even months) in, she wants to gaslight him into thinking that he’s low-key got a sex addiction when the real truth is that she never was really into him, physically or sexually, from the jump. The outcome (which is more like a fallout)? Now sex feels more like a chore and, because she doesn’t want to be honest about that, she tries to act like it’s his fault and he needs to either move heaven and earth to get her interested or he pretty much needs to make peace with having less intimacy in his relationship. Whew, that’s some evil and nasty work (on her part).
It can’t be said enough that a huge part of what makes a romantic relationship different from all of the others is physical intimacy. Each couple is different as far as what the intimacy expectations are.
That said, though, if you’re out here rationing it out to your partner or, if when you do engage, you are trying to do all that you can to get or stay in the mood — I don’t know what you think marrying him is going to do. Ask any married couple who is willing to be real with you and they are going to tell you that marriage merely magnifies and amplifies what already exists. If you are out here Double Dutching — you know, you’re in and then…you are out — with that man, you are being so unfair. Don’t believe me, how would you feel if he was being that way to you? Yeah…my point exactly.
5. Your Time Clock Is Your Motivation
GiphySometimes, I’ll be asked why I stayed with my final boyfriend for as long as I did. Honestly, one of the biggest reasons is because, again, after six damn years (four being together and two still sleeping together with me not having sex with anyone else), I was afraid to start the (relationship) clock with someone else all over again. I mean, all of that time was invested; our families had bonded with the both of us; even though I wasn’t totally into him, we did have a pretty good friendship and had learned a lot about each other’s strengths, weaknesses and quirks — and although I wasn’t exactly tap-dancing at the thought of forever, I had already put in so much, shoot, everything, that I had figured out how to make us work. Why start all over? What if the risk of finding someone…more proves to not be worth it?
Y’all, I can’t tell you how many women I have heard say to me that they are going to just…be with who they are because they’re in their mid-to-late 30s, they want children and their clock is a tickin’. While I get the fear in theory (I really do), starting or continuing a relationship that is rooted in fear and/or thinking that something like marriage or kids will make your initial fears go away? I mean, you might get the last name or the child yet the feelings of settling for less won’t go away. If anything, your fear might transition into resentment and that’s not ultimately helping anyone.
So, if you’re trying to figure out if you’re totally into “him” and, as you’re reading what I’m saying, you have to admit that “I just don’t want to start all over” is a huge part of what’s keeping you around — that’s not a good enough reason to stay. You deserve to be a happy wife and mom — not just a wife and mom. Feel me?
6. It’s Harder than It Really Should Be
GiphyLet me tell it, if you’re still reading this article, that’s already a sign to end the relationship because people who don’t feel like they are settling, people who feel like they really are all in, people who adore who they are with — THEY DON’T HAVE TO WONDER. Wondering means there are some doubts and, as Benjamin Franklin once simply and yet poignantly said, “When in doubt, don’t.”
Why? Because doubt oftentimes means that there is hesitation because we are uncertain about something (or one) — and until we can get certain, at the very least, we should “press pause;” especially when it comes to something like, “Do I really care about this guy as much as I should?”
Bottom line, is even the best relationships have moments of trying times and challenges, so by no means am I saying that with the right one, the best one for you, it will be unicorns and rainbows on a daily basis. At the same time, however, what I do hope you get is when you are fully present with someone because they are who you really want to be with, relationships are a helluva lot easier — including dealing with the lows, the valleys, the ebbs, and flows of it all.
Yeah, another sign that you’re not totally into who you are with is the dynamic always feels like work — damn near like a job…because you keep pushing yourself to get to…where you aren’t.
Yes, relationships should stretch you. No, they shouldn’t be defined as being hard work most of the time. So, why do so many people say that? Because, quite frankly, a lot of them settled by choosing someone who they are not totally into. #fullcircle
____
Yeah, this is definitely one of those articles that is going to keep someone out of divorce court. I can just feel it. If there is one thing that every human is deserving of, it’s being with an individual who is totally into them while they reciprocate the very same energy.
It’s not hard to know if that is the case. We’ve just got to be honest with ourselves.
Are you? Being honest with you? Please be “into you” enough to start being real. You and he both deserve it.
No matter what the outcome of the honesty is, it’s better than settling via self-convincing.
Promise you that.
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Featured image by vitapix/Getty Images