There are some blanket statements I hear people make that automatically earn the response, "Yeah. OK. If you say so." One that immediately comes to mind is, "I don't care what people think."
I'm not so sure gossip blogs, YouTube videos, or terms like "clapping back" would thrive in the way that they do if that were the case. As a matter of fact, I think that a part of the reason why a lot of us are more stressed out than we should be is that we care too much about what the wrong people think. Strangers. Trolls. Negativity addicts. Folks who are critical just for criticism's sake. And also people from our past who haven't spoken to us enough in the past five years to provide much valid insight one way or another.
Being that I used to be one of the people who cared (more than I should) what those categories of folks thought about me, I will provide a little food for thought. Several months ago, someone heard that I was pregnant and approached me about it. I've been abstinent for 12 years now, so the rumor was so ridiculous that it was funny more than it was offensive. I didn't inquire who said it. I didn't chase it down. It was…whatever.
But when I was throwin' it back and that kind of gossip came my way, I was pissed. What it taught me is sometimes I care because there is something within the rumors that has relevance. Because of that, it was a trigger.
These days, I get triggered less and less, though. Some people tell me it's because I don't care what anyone thinks, but that's not true. I truly care what some people think; it's just that my list is very short. People who, through their character and commitment have proven that they truly care about me as a whole, I care what they think. Because their actions show that they really do care about me.
And caring what they think has been a lifesaver in more ways than one. Here's why I say that:
We Automatically Have a Biased Perspective
There's a guy I know who used to live by the motto, "I counsel myself." What in the world? Counseling oneself is like trying to strangle yourself to death. Both are virtually impossible because we are naturally wired to do what makes us most comfortable—in the moment.
Case in point. There's a woman I know who, throughout her entire dating relationship with her boyfriend, he was cheating—A LOT. I know for a fact that at least 10 people told her that, but she didn't listen. It was almost like she was making it a mission to marry him. She did. And guess what? He's still cheating.
I know what it's like to be so emotionally caught up (or sexually sprung) that I only choose to see what I want to see. That's why it's good to get the vision (i.e., discernment) of other people into the mix. They are able to look at the cold hard facts and the reality of what's going on so that you can gain a more balanced perspective.
You're looking from the inside out and someone who loves you looking from the outside in will give you a better view of what you're dealing with so that you can make non-rose-colored-glasses decisions that are truly best for your life.
Even the Bible says getting outside counsel is a smart thing to do (Proverbs 11:14). Because it is.
People Who Truly Care About You Have No Ulterior Motives
One time, while talking to a wife about some drama I was going through with a guy, she said something that was true; still, I didn't really wanna hear all that. While I was telling her, for the umpteenth time, about more stress that he was putting me through, she turned around from washing dishes and simply said, "Shellie, he's not your husband. He's a boyfriend. Stop making this complicated and break up."
When I told her that I didn't like how flippant she was being she said, "I have a husband. And four kids. And bills. My life is going to go on whether you stay with that guy or not. I'm telling you what I wish someone had told me when I was in toxic situations." Then she paused and said, "But you do know I'm making time to listen to all of this…right?"
If you RBTL (Read Between The Lines), it's obvious that she was saying, "I care about you and that's the only reason why I care to have this conversation." My takeaway from that is we should care about what some people think because they are being caring, thoughtful, and loving enough to make our lives a priority in the midst of their own. It's not a right that they care. It's a privilege.
Pride Comes Before the Fall
Some people claim to not care what people think because they interpret it as judgment. Maybe sometimes, but I think that perspective is usually a defense mechanism. My friends know that whenever someone is on the "Don't judge me tip", I'm quick to say, "So, you know if someone compliments you, that's also a judgment call…right?" If most of us were honest with ourselves, we don't have a problem with being "judged", just so long as it comes in the form of praise and not criticism.
But sometimes, the exact thing that we need is to be called out on our stuff. It helps us to see where we're messing up so that we can recalibrate and avoid some unnecessary missteps and mistakes. If all we received was flattery, we'd think we were perfect and that's a surefire way to let your ego set you up for some colossal downfalls.
The past eight years or so of my life have been less dramatic than any other time. I'm sure time and maturity play a part but so does truly valuing the opinions, perspectives, and insights of certain people in my life.
It has literally saved my life to care what some people think. Care enough about yourself to care what some people in your life think too.
Feature image by Getty Images.
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It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
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In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
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And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
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Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
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Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Then there were those who gave up their zip code altogether and found a permanent home in the skies. After years spent recruiting students for a university, Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare became a full-time travel influencer and founded her travel company, Shakespeare Agency. And she's not alone.
These stories mirror the experiences of women across the world. For millions, the pandemic induced a seismic shift in priorities and desires. Corporate careers that were once hailed as the ultimate “I made it” moment in one's career were pushed to the back burner as women quit their jobs in search of a more self-fulfilling purpose.
xoNecole spoke to these three Black women who used the pandemic as a springboard to make their wildest dreams a reality, the lessons they learned, and posed the question of whether they’ll ever return to cubicle life.
Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.
Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.
Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.
Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
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Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023