There are some blanket statements I hear people make that automatically earn the response, "Yeah. OK. If you say so." One that immediately comes to mind is, "I don't care what people think."
I'm not so sure gossip blogs, YouTube videos, or terms like "clapping back" would thrive in the way that they do if that were the case. As a matter of fact, I think that a part of the reason why a lot of us are more stressed out than we should be is that we care too much about what the wrong people think. Strangers. Trolls. Negativity addicts. Folks who are critical just for criticism's sake. And also people from our past who haven't spoken to us enough in the past five years to provide much valid insight one way or another.
Being that I used to be one of the people who cared (more than I should) what those categories of folks thought about me, I will provide a little food for thought. Several months ago, someone heard that I was pregnant and approached me about it. I've been abstinent for 12 years now, so the rumor was so ridiculous that it was funny more than it was offensive. I didn't inquire who said it. I didn't chase it down. It was…whatever.
But when I was throwin' it back and that kind of gossip came my way, I was pissed. What it taught me is sometimes I care because there is something within the rumors that has relevance. Because of that, it was a trigger.
These days, I get triggered less and less, though. Some people tell me it's because I don't care what anyone thinks, but that's not true. I truly care what some people think; it's just that my list is very short. People who, through their character and commitment have proven that they truly care about me as a whole, I care what they think. Because their actions show that they really do care about me.
And caring what they think has been a lifesaver in more ways than one. Here's why I say that:
We Automatically Have a Biased Perspective
There's a guy I know who used to live by the motto, "I counsel myself." What in the world? Counseling oneself is like trying to strangle yourself to death. Both are virtually impossible because we are naturally wired to do what makes us most comfortable—in the moment.
Case in point. There's a woman I know who, throughout her entire dating relationship with her boyfriend, he was cheating—A LOT. I know for a fact that at least 10 people told her that, but she didn't listen. It was almost like she was making it a mission to marry him. She did. And guess what? He's still cheating.
I know what it's like to be so emotionally caught up (or sexually sprung) that I only choose to see what I want to see. That's why it's good to get the vision (i.e., discernment) of other people into the mix. They are able to look at the cold hard facts and the reality of what's going on so that you can gain a more balanced perspective.
You're looking from the inside out and someone who loves you looking from the outside in will give you a better view of what you're dealing with so that you can make non-rose-colored-glasses decisions that are truly best for your life.
Even the Bible says getting outside counsel is a smart thing to do (Proverbs 11:14). Because it is.
People Who Truly Care About You Have No Ulterior Motives
One time, while talking to a wife about some drama I was going through with a guy, she said something that was true; still, I didn't really wanna hear all that. While I was telling her, for the umpteenth time, about more stress that he was putting me through, she turned around from washing dishes and simply said, "Shellie, he's not your husband. He's a boyfriend. Stop making this complicated and break up."
When I told her that I didn't like how flippant she was being she said, "I have a husband. And four kids. And bills. My life is going to go on whether you stay with that guy or not. I'm telling you what I wish someone had told me when I was in toxic situations." Then she paused and said, "But you do know I'm making time to listen to all of this…right?"
If you RBTL (Read Between The Lines), it's obvious that she was saying, "I care about you and that's the only reason why I care to have this conversation." My takeaway from that is we should care about what some people think because they are being caring, thoughtful, and loving enough to make our lives a priority in the midst of their own. It's not a right that they care. It's a privilege.
Pride Comes Before the Fall
Some people claim to not care what people think because they interpret it as judgment. Maybe sometimes, but I think that perspective is usually a defense mechanism. My friends know that whenever someone is on the "Don't judge me tip", I'm quick to say, "So, you know if someone compliments you, that's also a judgment call…right?" If most of us were honest with ourselves, we don't have a problem with being "judged", just so long as it comes in the form of praise and not criticism.
But sometimes, the exact thing that we need is to be called out on our stuff. It helps us to see where we're messing up so that we can recalibrate and avoid some unnecessary missteps and mistakes. If all we received was flattery, we'd think we were perfect and that's a surefire way to let your ego set you up for some colossal downfalls.
The past eight years or so of my life have been less dramatic than any other time. I'm sure time and maturity play a part but so does truly valuing the opinions, perspectives, and insights of certain people in my life.
It has literally saved my life to care what some people think. Care enough about yourself to care what some people in your life think too.
Feature image by Getty Images.
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Some women have their whole wedding planned out, from the bridal gown and venue to the bridal party and playlist. However, KJ was not one of those people. “I didn’t foresee a wedding in my future,” she reveals. “I was just gonna be the boss chick, rich auntie. I didn’t force love in my life until recently. I never had an idea of what a dream wedding would look like, it was easier for me to elope.”
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
And to many people’s surprise, that was their original plan – until Skyh brought up a valid concern. He was raised by his grandmother and thought she should be at the wedding, and naturally, that led to KJ wanting her grandmother to be there as well – then her mom – and later her sister – and, you’ve gotta invite the besties too, right? From there, the guest list continued to blossom. Much like the updo and pop of color bold red lip, she wore on her special day, which was initially on her Pinterest board as a soft glam look with her hair hanging on her shoulders, KJ is okay with changing her plan if it brings her and her loved ones happiness.
So let’s get into the wedding, which took place in Malibu, CA. The first thing you should know about the celebrity couple is that they’re non-traditional. They know, and they don’t care. So, in true unconventional fashion, they shared the morning of the wedding together.
“I woke up with Skyh, we walked our dog, had black coffee, and said good morning to the people who stayed at the venue with us,” she says.
Now, it was time for hair and makeup. While she was getting glammed up, she had Black-owned McBride Sisters wine and champagne (which ties into The Black Experience theme) on deck with her mom and friends, had her besties help rework her vows, retried on every outfit (sis is very Type-A), took photos, and ended the early-celebration with prayer and meditation. It seems very non-Bridezilla, I said.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company,” she explains. “The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
Things moved quickly, and before she knew it, it was time to line up to walk down the aisle.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company. The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
KJ Smith and her bridal party
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Since everything started with their grandmothers, the couple wanted to ensure they honored them and planned to keep an element of their wedding traditional. Although we’ve all seen the reception videos and photos online, you may have noticed visuals from the wedding itself are harder to find.
“We planned for it to be traditional, but we’re not like that, so we tried to create those moments. We jumped the broom and had a salt ceremony (where the bride and groom individually pour salt into a glass container, symbolizing their lives becoming one.) But honestly, still, nothing was traditional about it.”
She goes on to explain that her mom caught the holy ghost coming down the aisle, her glam team was on deck, and she became so nervous with excitement that she had an anxiety attack – something she struggled with for years, she explains tearfully. Her friends had to literally cheer her down the aisle because of how overwhelmed she felt until she eventually calmed down.
“Skyh was standing there with his hand on his heart; we have our own little language, and I could feel the support,” she shares.
It was surprising to hear all these emotional moments happened before the party we saw online. That is until she once again got into the backstory.
“As a Black woman actress, for so long, it was popular to be mysterious and secretive, but that’s not who I am or what I like. Plus, we both wanted to create an experience for everyone there. We are the people who always host family and friends,” she says. “Like for me, the first order of business was getting sandals for the women so they can dance all night long. We had oxtail, D'ussé, and a coffee and sativa lounge – which is part of Skyh and I’s lifestyle and routine. We wanted to bring them into our world.”
Skyh Black (L) and KJ Smith (R)
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
She went on to discuss the dance routine she did for her husband at the reception, which has taken over the internet. Apparently, that’s another thing that didn’t go according to plan. According to KJ, she had promised a performance at their joint bachelor/ bachelorette party, but her outfit got stolen from her car. So, Skyh ended up performing for her – complete with a strip tease. Still, she never forgot her promise to dance for him.
So, she hired her friend as a choreographer, learned the routine, made friends and family watch it endless times, and attended Beyoncé’s Renaissance show a few days before for a confidence boost. It ended up being a show to remember. But that wasn’t all the night offered. Lil Mo performed, and the guests received special goody bags featuring their favorite Black-owned products like journals, hair care, and more.
“We made sure everyone was taken care of all night. That kind of stuff makes us happy. I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives,” she says.
But naturally, the internet is going to internet, and while there were countless people praising the event and applauding the newlyweds, some thought it was too over the top. I was curious to know her thoughts on some of the criticism.
“It’s cool. We did what we wanted to do. I’ve decided to share my world with people. Just how I went on social media platforms and found inspiration, I want people to do the same,” she explains. “I don’t think it's fair to my supporters not to give that out. There’s so much I wanna share with brides, specifically Black brides. I love that people are adding it to their Pinterest boards."
"I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives."
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
“I’m happy with it because we did what we wanted to do. They can do what they wanna do. Don’t be cruel, though, because you will get blocked,” she said, laughing.
The more I spoke with her, the more her sense of freedom shined through. People are always going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live your life, and it seems like the couple realizes that and embraces that power. She also stressed the importance of not living for others and the lessons life has taught her.
“I’ve been to countless weddings, and I’ve been in countless weddings. I’m a generally older bride. So when women in my demographic get married, and you and your husband are busy working people like us, you deserve to have the one you want to have,” she shares.
“This is what we wanted to do. Our loved ones love and support us. We did so much to honor them, but we also wanted to start our own tradition, legacy, and creation. I'm not going to be pulled back into ideas of the past when I’m trying to create a future with my partner. “
If you’d like to see more of the couple, you probably won’t have to wait long. Although no content is planned yet, she admits to being an oversharer. “Me being open and transparent about my experiences lets people know it’s okay to have flaws; it makes you human, and for many years, I didn’t believe that was okay. I had pressure to be perfect, and I’d crumble every time,” she explains to xoNecole.
Now, she owns her flaws and uses them as a superpower to connect with her community and feel and express her love.
“Some people give us [Skyh and KJ] a hard time because they say we just seem too perfect. I’m like, why is that a bad thing? I love the people I love. From my man to my mama, to my friends - unabashedly. We move through time and space how we want to move. If we did it another way, we’d let ourselves and our union down.”
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Feature image by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
