I Asked 5 White Women What They've Learned From Having Friendships With Black Women
Racial tensions in America are unquestionably tense at this moment. It's literally a matter of cut off—a point where we are forced to make the decision to dismantle friendships for simply not agreeing with political party. But even during this clear societal line-in-the-sand era, I knew there had to be friendships that have stood the test of time, so I went on a hunt.
How many genuine black/white women friendships are there? And are those friendships ones that have sustained a true connection?
Well, to answer, you'd be surprised how difficult it was to find authentic black/white woman friendships based on the criteria set for this article. And with this criteria, my search became that much more difficult (feel free to email me if you want to know what the criteria was). Just know, we have a long way to go.
Eventually, I found some queens willing to discuss their journeys as they sat down with us and got candid about all things friendship. This is what I learned:
Charliegh DiMaggio
Charliegh (L) and Rachel (R)
Location: Chino, CA
Length of Friendship: 6 years
I met my best friend, Rachel, while in nursing school in Florida. We needed to carpool with someone and it took both of us a couple of weeks to start because we were both hesitant. But from the first ride, we've been soul sisters. Years of drinking wine, eating doughnuts, and being foodies together blossomed from these moments.
Rachel is literally one of the best people I know. She is kind and generous; would do anything for her family and friends. No matter the situation, she always has a smile on her face and makes everyone around her laugh. She's pushed me through some really tough times. We call ourselves Grey and Yang from Grey's Anatomy. No matter what, they're always there for each other and understand and respect each other’s differences.
My favorite thing about our friendship is just seeing Rachel grow so much. She's learned to love herself more. Pushed herself out of her comfort zone; exploring the unknown. I hope I have played a part in that.
I admittedly grew up in a racist household, so Rachel and I have definitely had many discussions on racism in the world today. Mostly about the different experiences she has had and some of the things that I have seen. It can really be tough at times to talk about, but necessary. The biggest lesson that I have learned is that we have to stand up for one another. Educate people who may be ignorant, show people how the world can be if we had less hate. Stand up for the people that we love and to cherish and respect those friendships that are true, and support other women in all situations.
Courtney Riley
Phoenix (L) and Courtney (R)
Location: Fort Collins, CO
Length of Friendship: 2 years
Phoenix and I met at an event for the non-profit organization, Big Green Foundation (co-founded by Kimbal Musk, Elon Musk's brother). We were immediately drawn to each other's personalities.
Phoenix is very open and honest, more than most people I know. We have a frankness and comfort with each other, which magnifies our friendship when it comes to advice and/or those times when either of us could use emotional support. We are both each other's cheerleaders. And, of course, we love to get together and go out for a glass of wine (she always dresses better than me).
I was really successful when I was in my 20's and early 30's. I'm at a period in my life where I feel I'm getting a bit burnt out now, but Phoenix—(laughs)—Phoenix is on the other end of the spectrum. She is highly-driven and successful, and it reminds me of when I was in her position. It inspires me to be better and to continue striving.
What have I learned most about my friendship with a limitless black woman? It doesn't matter what I say to her, nothing seems to bother her. She is unfazed, resilient, and just keeps going. She has a different perspective on race issues and has educated and made me more aware. It wasn't until recently that I noticed that she is more honest with me than anyone else I know—which makes me more aware of how much I lack that element in my other interactions with women.
Phoenix has raised the standards for what I look for in friendships with other women. Even the most successful women have ups and downs. This friendship has taught me to keep getting up even when you are knocked down.
Jessica Lovett
Raynita (L) and Jessica (R)
Location: Dallas, TX
Length of Friendship: 15 years
In high school, a mutual friend of ours asked me if I would give her friend a ride home. That friend was Raynita. One ride home for a stranger turned into a lifelong friendship.
Ray is my soul sister. She is outgoing, beautiful, smart and extremely loyal. Her confidence and positivity are electrifying but she is still one of the most humble people you will meet. She is the one person who I can completely be myself with. She understands how much I struggle with a positive self-reflection and she reminds me that we all have our insecurities but we can't let them define us.
We have lived in different states for 14 years (yes, we only lived in the same state for one year). I left California after graduating high school and Raynita stayed. Our entire friendship has been built around communicating and making time to see each other. We talk every day and are somehow always in sync, even though we are hundreds of miles apart.
I have witnessed my best friend go through life facing judgment from others just because she's a black woman. She talks openly with me about the racism she encounters. Something as simple as why she prefers going to a black doctor over a white doctor and how important it is to love the skin you're in; white people don't often have to think about these things. I see how strong the black community is and how different black families are from your "typical white family".
The most significant thing this friendship has taught me is that no matter how much I love and rely on my husband, that there is no one that can take the place of my experiences with her.
Keep up with Jessica & Raynita's adventures on Instagram @bestietalks!
Lucy Bishop
Lulu (L) and Lucy (R)
Location: New York City but I'm Australian
Length of Friendship: 1 year
My LuLu is an absolute powerhouse. She is so smart, so kind, so beautiful. An incredibly hard worker, but also an excellent dance buddy—we both love The Queen, Beyoncé!
Anyway, Lulu and I really balance one another out and we have a lot in common, particularly the fact that we have both lived all over the world—both in our youth and as adults. We met at University. I was chatting with the director of our course and Lulu popped in to talk about a podcast. I mentioned how much I loved podcasts and the extensive listening schedule I have, and we have been friends ever since. It has been really great having a friend in NYC who thinks so similarly to you, especially as an international student in America. I think what I like most about her is how much she cares and takes an interest in everything. Lulu is always up for an adventure.
I learn things about the black community every day, but I try to find ways to educate myself so I'm not burdening my friends with questions. I listen to many black culture podcasts, like The Read and The Nod, and I read often.
Lulu is Zambian so I have been learning about Southern African culture. She is so open with discussing the differences of navigating life as a black woman in Namibia, vs Australia (she lived in Melbourne for a while), vs the U.S. We also discuss cultural appropriation, as I am well-aware that black culture is often stolen and commodified. So I always make it a point to check myself on all things that could potentially offend, and I want my friends to check me on it too.
Kelly Henzlik
Kelly (L) and Shawna (R)
Location: Woodland Hills, CA
Length of Friendship: 9 years
Shawna and I met through my ex-boyfriend. She was the most dedicated, goal-oriented, Disney-loving, red velvet-obsessed, kindest, most honest, fun-having person that I had come across. We would shop for bathing suits, eat junk food together, go to Disneyland, dance the night away, and be with our family together. I was taught to push my other girlfriends to do the best they can, and continually lift them up when they are down. Just always be there for them like Shawna is for me.
As we got older, I had to learn to shift my perspective on how I interacted and learned from the Black community. What I learned from my friendship is that they often stand by each other, through thick and thin. Her and her friends and family are so admirably loyal to each other. She is teaching me to understand that institutionalized racism exists. And that is so easy to overlook because it's institutionalized. She wakes up every day with the mind state that she has to give 110%; no matter what she does because as a black woman, she knows society is already judging her. I've learned that she has to be conscious of her every move and that it has to be calculated to ensure that she defies preconceived stereotypes.
Ultimately, I know that this woman can do ANYTHING she puts her mind to. She has proven that to me over and over again throughout the years. There's no limit to her success in every aspect of her life. She is phenomenal.
Featured image by Shutterstock.
Originally published November 5, 2019
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Charmin Michelle is a southern native and creative spirit who works as a content marketer and events manager in Chicago. She enjoys traveling, #SummertimeChi, and the journey of mastering womanhood. Connect with her on Instagram @charminmichelle.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I think we all can agree that social media really is a double-edged sword. What I mean by that is there is just as much bad that can come out of it as good. At the end of the day, it really is about 1) having your own mind, 2) finding balance when it comes to how much time you spend online, and 3) doing your own research instead of taking random people’s opinions as the gospel (i.e., facts).
Gee, I wish more folks did all of this when it comes to if a man needs to have a large penis to sexually satisfy a woman (he does not) and if a woman who has had multiple sex partners will ultimately end up with a vagina that is too large for smaller penises to please her (a lie).
Science totally has my back on debunking both of those things (more on that in a bit). Know what else does? A particular type of sex method that is becoming more popular by the day. One that just might convince you to, as they used to say back in the day, focus less on the “size of the wave” and ride out the “motion of the ocean” instead.
It’s called shallowing. Here’s what it’s all about.
What Is Shallowing?
GiphyIf there’s one thing that I wish folks would say more thoroughly when it comes to women and orgasms, it’s that when it comes to75 percent of women not being able to orgasm from only intercourse, the accurate statement is they struggle with achieving a vaginal orgasm without the assistance of some type of clitoral stimulation. Yeah, we’ve really got to remember that very few things in this life are a complete monolith — orgasms included (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”).
In fact, it was while I was reading up on pairing — a word that is used for when clitoral stimulation transpires during penetration — that I decided to do some deep-diving into shallowing (because it was mentioned inone of the articles that I read).And what is it? Shallowing is when a penis, finger, tongue, or sex toy of some sort is used in order to ever so slightly penetrate the vaginal opening of a woman.
And why is shallowing not just a current sex trend but something that every woman on this planet should try? It’s because of what I’ve said, more than once, on this platform: it focuses on the most sensitive part of a woman’s vagina, which isthe first two inches of her vaginal opening.
When the emphasis is placed there, not only does it increase your chances of experiencing “the big O,” but it can also build up anticipation, which can intensify your orgasms too — yes, shallowing can also be seen as a form of edging.
Another thing that’s cool about shallowing is — and it really and truly can’t be said enough — something that makes vaginal and blended orgasms easier to achieve for some women really has little to do with the size of a man’s package or even his technique; it’s straight up anatomy. Yep, the closer that a woman’s clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for a penis to stimulate both. So, science makes it possible for vaginal orgasms to be easier for some women than others.
At the same time, shallowing can make it possible for more women who want to see what a vaginal orgasm actually feels like (because it’s easier for the head of the penis to stimulate the opening of the vagina while the shaft can rub up against your clitoris; based on the position that you are in, of course — the missionary with some pillows propped under the lower part of your back is ideal for this).
Now that you see what shallowing actually is, do you get why I said that penis size doesn’t matter when it comes to doing it — and getting the kind of orgasms that you want? Contrary to popular belief, your vagina is only around four inches. In fact, some health experts say that it ranges between 2-4”. Anything larger, your body literally has to stretch out to accommodate; this includes penises and babies. So, if your vagina is “making room” for more than four inches, why in the world do you think you need a 10-inch man? Yeah…exactly. It really is time to get over the silliness. The average penis continues to be 5.5”. Makes sense when you take it all in (no pun intended).
Aight, so now that you know what shallowing is all about, let me try and hard sell you on why it’s a sex technique that you should try as soon as tonight (if you possibly can).
1. It takes the pressure off of you and your partner.
I’ve been working with couples for almost 20 years at this point. This means that the topic of sex comes up quite a bit. And if there’s one thing that continues to be an issue is inconsistent orgasms (check out “Why Do Orgasms So Often Seem Like A ‘Hit-Or-Miss’ Experience For Women?”).
Listen, no matter how many articles you read or sex positions you try, if you’re anxious, stressed out, or overthinking, it’s gonna get in the way of you experiencing high peaks of pleasure on a consistent basis. Since shallowing is something that can easily be done even in foreplay (via fingering and/ororal sex) if you get that first “release” off, that makes it easier to just sit back and enjoy the ones that (hopefully) are to follow.
2. It teaches you more about your vagina.
A part of the reason why I keep repeating certain facts about vaginas in these articles is that it’s amazing how little certain things are discussed en masse — like the size of the vaginal tube. And since shallowing helps you to stimulate the nerve endings at the entrance of your va-jay-jay along with your G-spot (which is housed a little ways from your opening), shallowing is a great way to explore that area of your body as you figure out what truly works for you and…what doesn’t.
3. It’s the perfect merging of foreplay and intercourse.
When you really stop to think about it, shallowing is like the bridge between foreplay and intercourse because you can use so many different things to do it. So, if you want to experiment with a new sex toy or you want a bit more time to “warm up the engine” before full-on penetration begins, shallowing is one of the most sexually arousing compromises there is.
4. It can help to increase your partner’s stamina.
A few years back, I penned an article for the site entitled, “We’ve Got Some All-Natural Ways To Increase Stamina & Sensitivity.” Listen, even though I onceread a GQ article that said that over 60 percent of the people they polled were fine with intercourse lasting no longer than 5-10 minutes — that poll doesn’t speak for all of us, chile.
So, if you would like your man to build up to going longer, shallowing can help to make that happen. Since he’s barely putting beyond the tip in, he can learn how to be in you for longer periods of time without being, well, in you.
5. It helps you to appreciate whatever “package” he has.
Again — and it really can’t be said enough — if shallowing is all about exploring the mere entrance of your vagina, you don’t need a man with BDE (check out “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go”) or honestly, even anything close to it.
I mean, even though, reportedly, the size that the average woman says gives her the most orgasms is eight inches — I bet those women have never really tried shallowing before. 10”, 8”, or the average 5.5” can certainly get the job done. And well.
6. It feels A-MAZ-ING.
Okay,so now that you know about shallowing, I promise that if you put the word into your favorite search engine, you’re either gonna see articles on golfing (LOL) or sex, especially as of late. That’s because more couples are trying it out and getting mind-blowing results from it. So, if you’re looking for something new to try, give shallowing a shot.
Hey, anything that’s designed to stimulate your most intense vaginal nerve endings has got to be something for the record books. I mean, how could it not be? Lawd.
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Featured image by Juan Moyano/Getty Images