I already know that a lot of men check out the content on our site. So, before any of you fellas take this the wrong way, this article isn't trying to take a dig at you on any level. As you're about to see, in just a couple of seconds, this has nothing to do with overall literacy; at least, not in the way that it would appear on the surface. No, what this is going to address is how partners reading together, and men specifically reading a certain type of content, can help to improve a couple's sex life overall. Are you ready to find out, just what in the world I'm talking about? Let's do this.
Reading Together: An Underrated Form of Foreplay
Although I don't leisure read as much as I used to (if you're a writer like I am, you get how much of a challenge that can sometimes be), it really is one of my favorite things to do. Growing up, I wasn't someone who got to watch a ton of television (other than on Thursday nights when The Cosby Show, A Different World and then Cheers came on), but it didn't really bother me because I had a plethora of books at my disposal. Thanks to my mini-library, I can vouch for articles that say that reading benefits us when it comes to increasing our vocabulary, making us better writers and overall communicators, expanding our imagination (which is really awesome if you're into writing fiction) and helping us to grasp a better understanding of others. But did you also know that reading on a regular basis can also reduce depression symptoms, treat insomnia and even help you to live longer? Yep. Reading is bomb.
OK, but what does all of this have to do with sex? Patience, grasshopper. Let's ease into this thing. So, now that you know why it's a good idea to read alone, let's get into why it can pseudo be an act of foreplay as well.
By choosing to put down the electronics, open up a bottle of wine and cuddle while reading with your partner, not only will you end up spending quality time together, but it can help to reduce both of your stress levels too. Plus, a lot of couples who read together end up finding each other to be more attractive because, for a lot of us, intelligence is sexy and, when you read, you learn.
There's another benefit that can come from reading with your boo. I don't know about y'all, but whenever I'm out, I like to people watch. Sometimes, when I'm in a restaurant and I notice that a couple hasn't said a word to each other, the entire time, I feel bad for them. Geeze, has it gotten to the point where there's nothing left to say? (How awful.) One thing that could help them out is, you guessed it, reading to each other. According to an article that I checked out on Mic's site, another reason why you and yours should crack open some books together from time to time is because they can be real conversation starters; reading can put a spark in your communication connection if things have been a little less…interesting lately.
Oh, can you feel the build-up? So, reading alone makes you more imaginative. Reading with your partner strengthens your connection and now here's where the title of the article comes in—if your man reads a certain type of material, it can make him (even) better in bed.
What Men Can Read to Improve Their Sex Game
A long time ago, I interviewed a sex therapist about their thoughts on why so many couples seemed to go sexually unfulfilled in their relationship. What he said has always stayed with me. "A lot of women learn about sex from Cosmo, men learn from porn, and then you put both of them in a dark room together and it's a big ole' mess because neither source is realistic." Amen. Listen, I worked with a porn ministry for almost a decade and I can tell you that, not only can porn really jack you up mentally, IT'S. NOT. REAL. A lot of porn actors (I don't personally like the term "porn stars") hate everything about what they are doing (they told me so) and are ONLY in it for the money (not all but many). Where I'm going with this is, while the automatic thought might be that a man should pick up the most graphic erotica they can find, that's not exactly the kind of material that was featured in the study that I read.
According to a study that was published in Sexual and Relationship Therapy, what men should read more of are books on women and sexuality. A doctoral candidate by the name of Hannah Warshowsky shared that one of her passions is study the orgasm gap (which basically addresses why it seems that men are able to climax more than women and what can ultimately be done to change that). In her study, she surveyed almost 200 men about their sexual experiences. Some of the men, she asked to read the chapter, "Cliteracy for Him" in the book, Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters—And How to Get It which addresses things like women's body image and how they can obtain their own sexual satisfaction.
Of the guys who read the 35-page chapter, they ended up having a better understanding of a woman's anatomy and needs. As a result, they ultimately performed better in bed too. Reading is fundamental, after all.
Now, I will say this about the study—even the article stated that it consisted of young white men. So personally (perhaps along with Becoming Cliterate), I would recommend having your man check out a book like Sacred Woman: A Guide to Healing the Feminine Body, Mind, and Spirit by Queen Afua. Anyone who's read it before knows that it's a classic. Shoot, it had me treating my own vagina with more honor and I know "her" better than anyone!
Anyway, the reading selections are totally up to you (if you've got some recommendations, please do us all a favor and post them in the comments). I think the overall takeaway is in order for a man to give us what we want and need in bed, he has to be open to learning as much as possible about us. Yes, we can do a lot of the teaching, but there is nothing wrong with him opening up a book or two too. In fact, according to this study, him doing so can be oh so very right.
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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