OK, so before we jump into all of this, let me just say that the title of this article is a bit of a play-on words. I think that’s important to mention because I don’t believe there is actually something called a “love lie”. I have too much respect for love to be out here signing on to toxic resolves like “love hurts” or “love makes you do crazy things” — love doesn’t cause this; people do. No, what I mean by a “love lie” is it’s something that two people, who love each other, sometimes will lie to themselves about when it comes to their approach to their relationship. And when that love is the kind that is shared between a married couple — oh, there are all kinds of lies that have the potential to cause some real drama. Unnecessarily so.
It is indeed the Good Book that says it’s the truth that sets us free. So, let’s do just that today, shall we? Let’s tackle some of the things that many husbands and wives tell themselves about their relationship that really, at the end of the day, are delusional thinking more than reality-based.
“I Can Change My Spouse”
Listen, engaged people, if when you sit in your premarital counseling sessions (because you ARE going to those, right?) and your therapist/counselor/life coach mentions some red flags or areas of incompatibility and you either hear your partner or yourself say, “That’s OK. I can get them to change that,” it really is time to pump the breaks a bit. I’m not exactly sure who started the straight-up lie that it’s a good idea to marry someone who you feel you can control, manipulate and push to change in order to fit into your particular mold, but if you know who it is, I would like to have a word.
While I do believe that healthy relationships can inspire two people to improve, I also think that it is wrong to go into any kind of serious dynamic expecting them to change (check out “The Right Relationship IMPROVES Not CHANGES You”). Anyone who feels otherwise is already saying (whether they realize it or not) that they aren’t satisfied with who their partner currently is and/or that they think it is their role and responsibility to try and make someone be who or what they are not. If it’s the first issue, why marry someone you aren’t happy with? If it’s the second, why do you think that someone needs to fit your ideal? That sounds like ego speaking, not love.
A lot of married people have had long discussions with me because they are spending more time trying to change their spouse than accepting them. What’s super fascinating is the main ones who want to do the changing of someone else can’t even handle mild criticism from their partner (see what I mean about “ego”?). Anyway, before getting into other “love lies” that spouses tell themselves, there’s no way that I couldn’t start out with, perhaps, the most common one — I can change them. That’s not your job. And that’s the God-honest truth.
“If I Give You What I Need, You Should Be Satisfied.”
Hands down, one of the biggest issues in marriages (or any serious love-based relationship) is folks spend way too much time giving their partner what they want instead of what their partner actually needs. Then, to make matters worse, they try and play the victim when their partner isn’t thrilled about it. Remember how I spoke on manipulation a second ago? Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t realize that when you give in order to get, that is a low-grade form of manipulation.
For instance, say that when it comes to your love languages, your top one is gifts. And so, you constantly buy your husband things and, while he does say “thank you,” he’s not over the moon. Plus, you still don’t really receive many presents outside of special occasions. As a result, you start feeling underappreciated by his lack of gratitude and dismissed when it comes to your own needs (and sometimes wants).
Something that I hear a lot of pastors say that really is true is the Bible doesn’t instruct wives to love their husbands; it says that they should respect them (check out Ephesians 5). However, because we like to feel loved, we will totally overlook that and love on them the way we want it to be given. For some men, this doesn’t translate well because respect is what they desire. And again, if you are trying to give your man what you need/want from him so that he will give you more of it, not only is that a form of emotional manipulation, it’s not the most effective approach either.
Communicating your needs and then listening to his (check out “How You And Your Partner Can Listen To Each Other Better”) are the keys to both of you feeling “fed.” Giving what you need is only focusing on you and selfishness in marriage is never a productive or beneficial thing. Get off of giving what you need to the point where it totally ignores giving your man what he needs — even if that totally differs from you (which it oftentimes probably will).
“I Didn’t Marry Your Family. I Married You.”
Chile. OK, let me speak to engaged couples again and say that if your fiancé is already showing signs of poor boundaries with his family members, this is another reason to pump the brakes because while I do think it’s completely delusional to think that you do not have to deal with your partner’s family on a pretty intimate level, I also think that the Bible speaks of “leaving and cleaving” (Genesis 2) by design. In other words, when it comes time to get married, it’s time to start your own traditions and to have your own way of doing things.
That said, I’ve got a close friend right now who has basically been in therapy since she got married (over a decade ago) and about 70 percent of the issues surround her husband’s mother and how unhealthy his attachment to her happens to be. She underestimated it when they were dating. She totally regrets that now. She knows that she didn’t just marry him. She also married how he’s been affected by his family, his bond with his family members, and his expectations for how she interacts with his family. That is A LOT.
You know, sometimes, it’s not until this time of year (the holiday season) when family issues really creep up, and then it ends up putting a ton of stress and strain on your relationship. To that I say, when the two of you decided to become husband and wife, one of the things that you both signed up for was to put each other’s feelings and needs above ALL others. This requires finding the balance between making sure you both feel safe and secure when it comes to how you both deal with family stuff. But if one or both of you thinks that you didn’t agree to deal with each other’s family, that is one of the biggest lies that you’ve ever told yourself. Let that one go today (if possible).
“Sex Isn’t As Big of a Deal As Some Make It Out to Be”
There’s a guy that I know who, shoot, for well over 25 years, wasn’t sexually satisfied in his marriage. He and his wife weren’t sexually compatible and his libido was way higher. Still, they had kids together and so he basically just hung in there until everyone went off to college. Then he filed for divorce. Now he’s married to someone else and grinning more than I’ve ever seen him do it.
I remember about 15 years ago when his wife and I briefly had a conversation about sex. She said to me, “Girl when you get married, you’ll realize that sex isn’t that big of a deal. There are just higher priorities.” Hmph. I wonder what she thinks about that now. Y’all, I will say it until each and every cow comes home — one of the main things that set marriage apart from other relationships IS sexual intimacy (check out “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important”). Not only that but a lack of it is STILL a leading cause of divorce and even the Bible says that inconsistent sex gives the devil room to do…all kinds of foolishness (I Corinthians 7:5). Besides, if you are talking yourself out of enjoying your partner in this way, that’s sending a red flag up, even outside of the bedroom. Bottom line, there is absolutely no way around the fact that if you are physically capable, sex MUST be made a TOP priority in your relationship. If you shrug this off, it’s not going to go well for you — if “it” lasts at all.
“We Can Get Through This Without Therapy”
I have a few friends who work with couples, just like I do. And if there is one thing that we all say wears us all the way out, it’s the people who fight the purpose of counseling all the way…until they are on the brink of divorce. I’ve used the comparison before because I wholeheartedly believe it to be true — if you took your vows seriously (Ecclesiastes 5), then you know you signed up for a LONG journey with your spouse, and if a car needs its oil changed every 3,000 miles, what makes you think you can — or should — go years without getting another perspective on your relationship so that you can receive insights, tips, and assistance on how to get through the challenging times (ones that I promise you will come, more than once)?
Prayer is great. Talking things over with the right friends is cool too. Oh, but looka here — another Scriptural reference. Proverbs 12:15(NKJV) says, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise.” Counseling doesn’t need to be seen as a last resort; it needs to be treated like a necessary investment. Commit to seeing a professional, at least a couple of times a year. If you want to go the distance, it’s very necessary that you do.
“Divorce Will Make It All Better”
There’s another Scripture in the Bible that says God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). The reason why that is given is because it “covers one’s garment with violence.” When two people are all lovey-dovey about each other, they are all for hearing that marriage starts the “becoming one” (Genesis 2:24-25) process. Yet isn’t it interesting that when they are ready to call it “quits,” they don’t want to address just how violent trying to sever that oneness can actually be — not just for them but those around them; especially if children are involved.
Listen, I know that there are some extreme instances where divorce seems like the only route to take. What I also know is some people were more committed to an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend than they ever were to their spouse before breaking their marriage vows. There are studies to support that around one-third of divorced people regret ending their marriage. That’s why I write articles for the platform like “What Some People Regret About Their Divorce,” “7 Men & 7 Women Tell Me Why They Think Their Marriage Ended,” “6 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Ending Your Marriage,” and “Before Getting Divorced, Consider Separating First.”
So, if you’re currently going through some challenges right now, please don’t fall for the lie that divorce is an automatic solution to your problem. A lot of us have years and years’ worth of wounds and scars — whether we are the ones who got the divorce or the children of the people who did — who can easily challenge you on that. You enter into your marriage sober-minded, right? Give at least that much energy to exiting it.
"Love Conquers All."
Love is probably the most beautiful thing that there is. Still, when it comes to making a marriage work and last, it’s not all that’s needed. Respect is needed (check out “7 Signs That You Truly Respect Your Spouse (& Your Marriage)”). Patience is needed. Clear and consistent communication is needed. Empathy is needed. Forgiveness is needed. Emotional intelligence is needed. Maturity is needed. Friendship is needed (check out “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?”). Consistency is needed. Honoring your commitment is needed.
The reason why a lot of people end their marriage is 1) they chalk love up to nothing more than a rom-com level emotion and 2) they act as if love is supposed to do more work in their marriage than they are. Love may serve as the fuel and motivation for a marital union yet there are many other characteristics that must be factored in and, even with those, you’ve still got to choose to want to make your marriage last. To tell yourself that love, alone, is supposed to do all of the heavy lifting is a surefire way to put an expiration date on your marriage before it even begins; especially if you only see it from a “feelings” perspective (feelings change all of the time).
A wise person once said, “Truth is not for comfort; it’s for liberation.” That is definitely some real food for thought when it comes to the truths you believe about marriage vs. the lies. For the sake of your relationship, y’all, please choose wisely.
Featured image by Getty Images
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
So…apparently, there was once a Parade survey of 1,001 married Americans concerning sex.
Surprisingly (at least, to me), 88 percent of them said that their sex lives made them happy or they were at least “reasonably content” with it. The reason why that surprises me is because 1) I’m aware that somewhere around 15 percent of marriages are currently sexless; 2) only about half of people have sex on a weekly basis, and 3) if that many folks are indeed that satisfied in the bedroom, why do so many of us who work with long-term couples always hear otherwise?
Then, I paused and pondered on the “reasonably content” part. I don’t know about you, but to me, that doesn’t sound like hanging-off-of-the-chandeliers kind of sex. That’s more like, “I’ll take it however and whenever I can get it” sex — and, in my eyes, that’s just not good enough. To me, sex is a beautifully wondrous thing that should reach the peak of pleasure as much as possible.
Fortunately, I do know a few couples who profess to have great (awesome, fabulous, and tremendous) sex pretty much every time that they have it. Even though most of them aren’t familiar with each other, interestingly enough, they all agree that while skill and technique play a role in amazing coitus, there are other factors that can prevent great sex from transpiring, too.
I did some researching, interviewing, and reviewing of past sessions that I’ve had with couples, and here are the 10 things that continue to come up, as far as being barriers to the kind of sex that every single person deserves — sex that doesn’t just leave you feeling “reasonably content” (goodness, let’s raise that bar, please).
1. You’re Not the Best of Friends
GiphyBefore getting into this one, let me just say that I’m not referring to a “friends with benefits” dynamic. Although some of those do end up transitioning from being sex buddies to a full-blown relationship, some studies say that only about 15 percent of them do, and that’s not the greatest odds on the planet (for the record, around 28 percent are able to go back to being just friends as well).
No, what I’m referring to here is it’s wise to experience physical intimacy with someone who has the qualities of being one of your absolute closest friends: they’re honest, supportive, compassionate, loyal, communicate well, and they definitely are someone who you consider to be a safe space. When you’re in a relationship with someone who you also consider to be one of your dearest (if not dearest) friends, there is an incomparable level of trust and peace that makes intimacy that much easier — and special.
2. You Need to Get a Check-Up
GiphyIf you were to ask a group of people if they should get an annual check-up, they would probably say “yes.” Hmph, problem is, only about one-fifth of us actually do it, and when it comes to our libidos, that can be (potentially) problematic as hell. The reason why I say that is sometimes “not being in the mood” has very little to do with anything emotional, psychological, or relational; it’s actually a result of not taking the best care of your health.
Things like obesity, hormonal imbalances (including perimenopause and menopause), certain medications, stress, and good old-fashioned aging can be the underlying culprits, and if that is indeed the issue, as much as you might think that Google can cure everything, you actually need a medical professional to confirm what is going on — and what you need to do in order to rectify the situation.
3. You’re Not Affirming and Affectionate on a Daily Basis
GiphyQuestion: When was the last time that you gave your partner a sincere compliment? Believe it or not, there are studies that support the fact that complimenting others not only boosts their self-esteem and confidence levels but it also creates an atmosphere for clearer communication while motivating and causing the individual on the receiving end to feel valued. Not only that, but the person who gives the compliments ends up feeling happier and more grateful, too.
As far as affection goes, aside from the fact that it helps you to feel emotionally closer to your partner, there are health benefits to consider as well. Kissing, cuddling, and even holding hands can help to decrease stress levels, lower blood pressure, and even strengthen your immune system. The way I like to look at this is affirmations are a verbal form of foreplay, while affection is a PG version of it — and when it comes to experiencing great sex, foreplay should always be in the mix.
4. You Don’t Plan Dates (and Then Actually Go on Them)
GiphyI’ve got a girlfriend who’s been married for several decades and hardly ever gets taken out on dates by her husband. In his mind, it’s kind of a waste of money; he’d rather be a “great provider” than a romantic kind of dude. Problem is, her top love language is quality time, and so, not dating frustrates her more than most. You know what, though? Their story isn’t rare. In fact, some studies indicate that over half of the married couples in this country never go out on dates. SMDH.
There are dozens of reasons why this is not a good idea as far as “divorce-proofing” your marriage goes; however, since this article is about sex, specifically, quality time strengthens emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy improves the quality of one’s sex life. So, if you’re in a long-term relationship, your sex life is ho-hum, and you can’t remember the last time you and your partner actually went out together — perhaps it’s time to connect those dots.
5. Your Relationship Is Not Your Top Priority
GiphyIf I had to choose one main issue that keeps me in business (as far as marriage life coaching is concerned), it’s that one or both spouses in a marriage “forget” (I put that in quotes because sometimes they literally forget and sometimes it’s more of a passive-aggressive choice) to make their partner their very top priority (under God, that is). When it comes to this particular topic, a priority is defined as being “the right to precede others in order, rank, privilege, etc.; precedence” and when you say “I do” to someone, that is a part of what you are publicly declaring — that they are going to take precedence over everyone else in your world.
And what are some indications that your partner is your top priority? You are proactive rather than reactive when it comes to their needs. You are quick to want to resolve problems while being slow to create them. You consistently want them to feel heard, validated, and safe. You make them aware that they are a part of both your short and long-term plans. Empathy is a foundational part of the relationship. And honey, when two people do this for each other outside of the bedroom, how can there not be fireworks inside of it? Straight up.
6. Your Kids Are Taking Over
GiphyI always find it interesting whenever people get triggered by my saying that children should never come before marriage. For one thing, the marriage existed first. Secondly, kids aren’t adults; they don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to find balance in their needs or demands; adults need to be the ones to regulate both. And third, have you read how divorce affects/impacts kids even well into their adulthood?
At the end of the day, children want happy parents and there’s a greater chance that will happen when husbands and wives put their relationship first. Unfortunately, even with all of the data that supports my points, a lot of people still let their kids take over their entire lives — including their bedroom and that can lead to, not only a “less than” sex life but a completely ruined one, if you’re not careful.
That’s why I think it’s important for parents to read articles like HuffPost’s “We Decided To Tell Our Kids When We’re Having Sex. Here’s Why — And What Happened After.” and also ones that I’ve penned for the platform like, “Married Couples, Here's How To Make (More) Time For Sex,” “How To Make Sex Easier (& More Fun) When You've Got Kids” and even “10 New Moms Share What They Wish They Knew About Sex Post-Delivery.” The takeaway here is kids are to be a part of your life — not all of it.
7. The Chemistry Is Off
GiphyChemistry is an interesting thing because, although it is pretty necessary when it comes to having a fulfilling sex life, science is still trying to figure out just how to narrow it down. According to a particular article that I read, a featured sex therapist said that sexual chemistry is a combination of attraction, hormones, and even a combination of pleasant memories and/or nostalgia. Another article said that the level of brain chemicals like dopamine and norepinephrine that naturally arise when we’re around certain people (vs. others) cannot be underestimated either.
To me, when it comes to (sexual) chemistry, I think my biggest takeaway is if there is something that you can’t really fake, that would be it, and so, while you shouldn’t rely on chemistry alone when it comes to cultivating a healthy and long-lasting relationship, if, after about three dates or so, there is no “spark,” don’t play that down. Sex is an essential part of a committed relationship, which means that chemistry, on some level, absolutely needs to be present and accounted for.
8. There Is Sexual Frustration
GiphyWhenever I hear someone say, “I’m not angry; I’m frustrated,” I always appreciate that level of self-awareness because being frustrated isn’t about being resentful so much as it’s about being disappointed — and sexual disappointment can happen in a billion different ways. Maybe the quality of sex has decreased. Perhaps you’re not having as much sex as you would like. Could it be that you want more spontaneity or romance, and your partner rarely, if ever, seems to rise to the occasion? Or shoot, maybe your sexual wants and needs have changed, and your partner doesn’t want to make the necessary adjustments.
A part of the reason why I’ve penned articles for the platform like “7 Questions You Should Ask Your Partner Before Giving Them Some” and “9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.” is because the only way that you can ensure that your partner is truly satisfied as far as sex goes is if you ask. When it comes to great sex, there is no room for ego, assumptions, or taking the “if it always worked, it still should” approach. People who move like that? One way or another, they are going to disappoint their bae as far as sexual satisfaction goes (whether their bae actually tells them that or just…fakes through it instead).
9. Or Sexual Repression
GiphyOn the heels of the last point, one of the reasons why sex is considered to be an ultimate form of communication is that when it’s good — and I mean, really, really good — all five senses (sight, hearing, taste, touch, and sound) are involved (check out “How To Incorporate All Five Senses To Have The Best Sex Ever”). Another reason is that when you can trust your partner to share your deepest sexual desires and perhaps even a sex-themed bucket list or entries from your sex journal, that can open the door to all types of sexual pleasure…and close the door to what’s known as sexual repression.
Probably the easiest way to define sexual repression is it’s what happens whenever you’re holding back feelings and longings as far as sex is concerned. There are several things that can cause this to transpire. It could be fear of rejection, suppressed childhood or religion-related issues, guilt or shame surrounding certain sex acts, or even physical pain during sex.
For instance, I know a wife who was raped in college and never told her husband. For years, they had sex-related issues because it’s almost as if she was stoic during the act, which led him to not find sex enjoyable at all because he felt like he was unwanted. I also know a wife who, because she is a first lady (you know, a pastor’s wife), has suppressed a lot of her sexual fantasies because she’s afraid that her husband will find them to be “inappropriate.”
In both of these instances, a sex therapist could do a lot of good (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”) because they are professionally trained to deal with all levels of sexual repression — something that is very real, even if it’s not openly discussed very often.
10. Orgasms Consume You
GiphyDo you need to experience orgasms in order to have good sex? No. You don’t. Can it be magnificent whenever you experience them, though? Of course. That said, when it comes to having great sex, although orgasms are literally defined as being the peak of sexual arousal, it is important to take the pressure off of both you and your partner. Contrary to whatever you’ve heard (or told yourself), sex can be pleasurable whether you reach a climax or not, together or not.
However, if you want to have more orgasms, don’t make them the goal so much as heightening your intimacy, taking your time, relishing in each other’s erogenous zones, doing some dirty talking, and being in the moment. When you’re “great” at these things, one way or another, great sex — and possibly a few orgasms along the way — is sure to follow. #wink
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Featured image by Giphy