It feels like my life has been waiting on hold for over a decade.
While other people were celebrating career wins, I was living at home waiting for my "big break." I believed that if I just kept my head down and worked hard, eventually that would be rewarded with a promotion.
Instead, I found that the more efficiently I did the service work, the more service work was thrown in my direction. People were under the impression that I really "needed" the hours. I realized that my reflection spoke, "Need". My image said, "She's desperate for the money," and their treated behavior reflected pity instead of respect.
After weeks of back-to-back 16 hour days, I'd reached my breaking point. I was tired of being an hourly, graveyard shift employee who couldn't afford a day off without making life decisions about eating or having enough to afford public transportation to and from work. I constantly saw the executive, predominantly white, women around me discuss their lengthy vacations and spa treatments. Meanwhile, my coworkers were often sick, injured, tired, and stressed out.
The morale was crumbling around me and, I decided I wanted more. I was more.
I stopped making excuses for my condition and started observing the C-Suite and the women I secretly envied. I boldly asked them questions in dirty scrubs. I implemented five rules that not only catapulted me out of CNA scrubs and into a pencil skirt, but increased my salary by 35K in ONE year. I had discovered the habits and rules of conduct that changed not only my circumstances, but how I viewed myself.
1. Your Bedroom Is Your Boardroom
I ran home, took out an old lipstick, and started writing my war plan on my bedroom mirror. The bedroom is the place where the wig comes off, the makeup comes off, and we are naked to the truth. It's where we write our hopes and dreams. It is our sanctuary. However, transforming it into the board room and the place where affirmations, concepts, and the vision for my life was created, allowed me to see the roadmap clearly.
Creating a business plan for your life is so important to have a clear view of what aligns and doesn't align with it. That one move to wake up to affirmations and end the evening with a review of whether I completed that day's goals, gave me direction. I no longer felt like my future was left to fate alone.
2. Busy Is Not Better
Studying the executives that walked around me, I noticed they were strategic in the positions they took and the titles they fought for. They negotiated quality of life perks like working from home twice a week. Some even wrangled companies to pay for their living expenses. Be strategic about the commitments you make.
In the beginning, I threw all the balls in the air. The busier I was, the more productive I thought I'd look. The goal is not to "look" busy, but to be busy, checking off the goals that you created in step 1. The object is to manage your commitments to stay productive not necessarily busy.
3. Progress Is Better Than Perfection
I heard a podcast featuring Paul Brunson where he said, "Some people point, aim, and aim, and aim so long the gun gets jammed and they never fire." I was a chronic "waiter" I waited for the right time, the right money, the right temperature, the right flight price. In pulling the trigger, I realized that having a unique skill set outweighs multiple degrees and certifications. I have the power to make people believe that I can produce the impossible, and I have the fortitude to see it through. When I realized that, I was able to land a job within an industry that was "lily white."
Embrace the experiences that make you unique, and a position will create itself.
4. Fly Before You Walk
When I began to see myself as an Executive while collecting urine samples as a CNA, my actions started to emulate my thoughts. I began to walk like a suit in conversation and demeanor before ever leaving scrubs. In fact, people started to see what I felt and ask me things like, "Will you consider joining our committee? You should apply for..." A family member told me, "You learned to fly before you learned to walk."
In other words, see yourself in the positions and places you want to be and then create the action plan to get there. The same people who projected pity were now asking me to assist them on projects. Because I learned to display the value and unique perspective I brought to the table, they recognized that they could not ask for assistance without offering something return. They offered to pay me for my assistance. Now, a position that had once only provided one paycheck, provides multiple. #wingsandthings.
5. Name Yourself
My aunt used to say, "It's not what they call you, it's what you answer to." The more that I understood what I brought to the table, the more other people began to call for me to address the needs within the organization. However, where there are supporters, there are also people who question your ability. The retorts of, "She was just a CNA, she's not credentialed to speak on these things," sought to halt me from achieving purpose. However, part of step 1 was identifying my weak spots.
On the weekends, I sought online certifications in order to shut the haters' mouths and leverage myself into higher positions. I recognized that ascension does not come without controversy. Some of the executives of whom I sought guidance from now give me the cold shoulder. I could not understand why until I heard Tera Carissa Hodges say, "People are not very often envious of your things. They are envious of the time you have left."
Pursuing purpose requires a clear action plan that most do not find until the second half of their lives.
If you are fortunate enough to tap into it early, not everyone will be a fan. However, we do not have time to focus on who is not a member of our fan club because that is only a distraction.
So this is for the service workers, the women who ride the bus to work, the women who did not grow up with mentors or a clear path and feel like they are in dead end, thankless jobs. This is for us. There is a scripture that says, we "call forth those things that are not as if they already are" Romans 4:17.
What are you calling forth in 2018? Your journey to the boardroom begins now. Let's go.
Featured image by Getty Images
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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