They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I say the journey of a thousand miles begins with an open hand. Whether that hand is open to provide help or taken to receive it, it is important to understand that a journey is never completed alone. Nor is it completed without the thought that others might follow your path. It's all about "lifting as you climb."
Lifting as you climb is the idea that ascending to success should not be a lone undertaking, but rather a group effort in which everyone must lend support to those attempting to follow in the footsteps of others. This mentality sets the great apart from the good. It separates those who will be remembered in history from those who will be remembered for now.
How Simone Biles Exemplifies "Lifting as You Climb"
During the 2024 Paris Olympics, many have exemplified the "lift as you climb" spirit as retired Olympians returned to support those in their sports. However, none have shown it with the grace and ease Simone Biles had. When returning to the games, Biles was seen as a fan favorite and a possible contender for gold. However, many were skeptical if she would have the appropriate mentality to be able to finish the games or if she would withdraw as she had done before.
Nevertheless, many hadn't realized that if Biles had left with ten medals or no medal, she would have still been successful in the Olympic games. Biles sparked an empowering movement that extended well beyond her personal achievements by imparting her wisdom, connections, and Olympic experiences. She kindled a flame in others, inspiring rivals and allies to reach heights they never thought imaginable. And in doing so, she not only made her own life better but also gave others a strong sense of fulfillment and purpose. As she embarked on her Olympic journey, the world watched in awe as she did so while shouting, "Mental health matters."
In her collective ascent, and possibly her final Olympic games, Biles' comeback allowed spectators to walk with her, hand in hand, while she showed us how to create a world where dreams take flight and potential knows no bounds. Here's how she did it:
Tokyo 2020
Simone Biles of the United States during the Artistic Gymnastics Podium Training at the Ariake Gymnastics Centre in preparation for the Tokyo 2020 Olympic Games on July 22, 2021 in Tokyo, Japan.
Tim Clayton/Corbis via Getty Images
In the summer of 2021, to the shock of the athletic world, Simone Biles withdrew from the Tokoyo Olympic competition shortly after uncharacteristically balking mid-air while completing twists on the Amantar vault, and nearly falling over when landing.
Known as the "twisties," this dangerous phenomenon causes gymnasts like Biles to lose their perception of their body while in the air. This can result in serious injury because, without awareness, the gymnast can lose their sense of where they are and how they will land. Despite knowing this, Biles decided to compete in the Olympics for the sake of her teammates, even though she was aware of the hazards involved, her mental anguish, and she had been telling people that she was "fighting [her] demons" during her training.
When she competed, she debated her routine at the last minute and changed parts of it to make it safer. Though, in the air, she continued to experience the twisties, which resulted in her completing fewer turns than expected, and landing by chance on her feet. Nevertheless, instead of being thankful that she was uninjured, or concerned that she has developed the "twisties," Biles' first thought was of everyone else.
During an interview with Call Her Daddy podcast, she recalled what she was thinking at the time: "America hates me. The world is going to hate me, and I can only see what they're saying on Twitter now." She added, "Holy shit, what are they going to say about me... If I could've gotten on a plane and flown home, I would've done it. I thought I was going to be banned from America 'cause that's what they tell you: 'Don't come back if not gold. Gold or bust. Don't come back.'"
Immediately after she left the mat, Biles walked up to her coach and stated she had been done for the competition. Not wanting to take any chances, Biles made the bravest choice any competitor could make: she chose herself.
Centering Mental Health
In certain respects, Biles believed that by leaving the vaulting podium, she was letting her supporters and country down. Nevertheless, she understood that she needed to take care of herself in choosing to be the best version of herself.
In choosing herself, Biles centered her mental health.
“I just felt like it would be a little bit better to take a back seat to work on my mindfulness, and I knew that the girls would do an absolutely great job,” Biles explained in the press conference following her withdrawal in 2021. "And I didn't want to risk the team a medal for kind of my screwups, because they've worked way too hard for that. So I just decided that those girls need to go and do the rest of our competition."
After her withdrawal, Biles was met with some backlash, but overall she found solidarity. Many fans, athletes, and celebrities, even the president, commended the act from the gymnast and applauded her stepping aside for the sake of her mental health. Considering the act braver than the Olympic competition, Biles was applauded for mentioning mental health and the importance of maintaining mental wellness as an athlete, where outside pressure is endless.
In her two-year hiatus, the athlete addressed her anxiety, depression, and panic attacks, and advocated for mental health and wellness supports while also participating in therapy.
When she returned to the sport, many were happy the star had done so on her own terms. Simone Biles stated, “The Olympics was not how I expected it to go, but putting my mental and my physical health first will probably be one of my greatest accomplishments.”
At a 2023 event in Illinois, Biles opened up to CNBC about her mental health break, “I worked on myself a lot, I still do therapy weekly, and it’s just been so exciting to come out here and have the confidence I had before."
The World Champions Centre Gymnastics Academy
In 2014, Biles and her family created a gym for gymnasts to feel safe and train safely. Known as the World Champions Centre, the gym has become one of the nation's largest places to train top-level gymnasts. So much so, that five out of the fifteen women who competed in the Olympic trials this year came from the Houston gym.
Originally starting as a "construction project," WCC was created by Biles' parents after she had won her first world all-around title in 2013. However, after five years into their "project," the family realized quickly what they had when their gymnasts started to show continuous improvement.
By that time, Biles had won greatly in the 2016 Olympics, and the concept of training with elite groups instead of individually proved to be fruitful. Biles' form improved as the competition continued, and she displayed skills that no other woman had attempted. This would lead to more gymnasts and competitors seeking the gym to build and maintain their elite skills.
One of those gymnasts was Jordan Chiles.
Jordan Chiles
After being passed over for international meets, Jordan Chiles had grown weary of the sport and felt that she had been "stalled out" of the competition. By 2018, Chiles had been ready to quit, however, Biles changed her mind. She encouraged the gymnast to join her at the WCC and to train with her coaches Cecile and Laurent Landi. Once she finished high school, Chiles accepted Biles' invitation and moved from Vancouver, Washington to Houston, Texas in hopes of revitalizing her career and training with Biles.
"We have such an amazing bond. I wish I can explain it to you, but I don’t even know how our bond is so strong," Chiles has said of her and Biles' friendship. "I think we bring different things out of each other. I bring the young self out of her. I bring that, ‘Ooh, let’s vibe and go have fun.’ And then she brings out the motivation, and the encouragement, and the support."
As a result of the WCC and Biles' "lift as your climb" mentality, Chiles transformed into a consistent competitor and eventually found herself heading to the 2021 Tokyo Olympics. There, the then-20-year-old Chiles was slated to compete in two events but had to compete in two additional events in Biles' place following her controversial decision to pull out of the Tokyo Games. In the end, Chiles helped the USA Team win silver and attributed the medal's attainment to the influence of Biles.
Later, due to the WCC, Chiles would win gold and silver in the World Championship 2022 competition and gold in the 2024 Paris Olympics. Over the weekend, Chiles had to return the bronze medal she won in the floor exercise. As of August 12, the US is working to appeal that ruling made by the Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS) on Saturday.
Simone Biles' Comeback Season
During her two-year hiatus, Biles spent time trying to distance herself from the pressure of Tokyo, and the doubters who discouraged her return. She contemplated whether she would return to compete, and still considered whether she would be up for her third Olympics.
However, Biles decided she was ready to commit to serious training and committed to the 2023 U.S. Classics, also known as the Core Hydration Classic. In her return to gymnastics following the Tokyo Games, Biles found herself back in front of a crowd, but this time, she was in control. Now older, wiser, and more confident, Biles soared to victory in her first meet in years. Winning her sixth-career U.S. Classics all-around title (she has since won her seventh), the gymnast dominated receiving a gold medal performance on floor exercise, and a silver medal on uneven bars and balance beam routines.
"I feel really good about where I am right now, mentally and physically," Biles revealed in an interview post-meet. "I still think there are some things to work on in my routines, but for the first meet back, I would say it went pretty well. I'm very shocked. Surprised."
She would later go to the World Championships in October and win gold and silver there. After two years, Biles had secured multiple medals and accolades at national and international competitions and returned as a singular, monumental force in her sport.
Breaking More Records: Making Team USA
In preparing for her third Olympics, Biles surprisingly became even better. When creating her routines, she didn't repeat the same routines from her 2023 comeback season. Instead, she added more difficult skills. On the floor, she added a triple-twisting double tuck, which was named after Biles. She also included a new dismount combination on the bars. By the end of the 2024 U.S. Classics, Biles received yet another victory and was guaranteed a spot on the USA Team.
Known as a favorite, Biles was predicted to take medals home during the Paris 2024 Olympics. However, it was clear that though Simone was there to compete, winning wouldn't be her main priority. Instead, she would go out and support her teammates and have a little fun with her routine, now that she had gained her confidence back. Winning was a goal, but it had no longer become a necessity.
Regardless, the legendary medalist showed up and showed out, and broke records while doing so.
At the age of 27, Biles became the oldest gymnast to compete in the Olympics and win individual all-around gold. She led the USA Team to a gold team medal and acquired silver for her floor exercise. At the end of the 2024 Olympics, she had become an 11-time Olympian medalist. In doing so, Biles became the most decorated gymnast in history, displaying a comeback like no other.
Setting the Standards for Gymnastics: 'F.A.A.F.O.'
Before the start of the 2024 Olympic Games, beef broke out between Biles and gymnast MyKayla Skinner, who competed on the 2020 Olympic team together. This drama began after Skinner posted an unflattering video where she explained why she believed the current U.S. team was unsatisfactory.
“Besides Simone (Biles), I feel like the talent and the depth just isn’t what it used to be,” she said in a since-deleted YouTube video. “Obviously, a lot of girls don’t work as hard ... The girls just don’t have the work ethic.” Later on, after receiving backlash for her comments, Skinner attempted to retract her statement by offering a formal apology and clarifying statements to media outlets. However, the damage had already been done, and no amount of backpedaling could stop the current team from their feelings of resentment, especially Biles. As a result, the team embraced the motto of "Fuck Around and Find Out," or what Biles would later call "F.A.A.F.O."
In the process of "finding out," Skinner quickly ate her words when Team USA won the women's gymnastics team event during the Olympics' first week. After the win, Biles posted a photo of the team clutching their gold medals as she captioned the photo "lack of talent, lazy, Olympic champions." The caption provided another nod to Skinner, who has now blocked the gymnasts since she openly called her negative comments.
'Find Out': Simone Biles Claiming Silver and Gold
Simone Biles of Team United States poses with her Paris 2024 Olympic medals following the Artistic Gymnastics Women's Floor Exercise Final on day ten of the Olympic Games Paris 2024 at Bercy Arena on August 05, 2024, in Paris, France.
Naomi Baker/Getty Images
In the 2024 Paris Games, Biles only missed one podium event. After winning four medals, the gymnast rose to prominence as a formidable example of what a "Greatest of All Time" contender should look like. She demonstrated to the world what it meant to be a strong competitor--someone who is prepared to take a step back and reevaluate their goals and reasons for competing. She showed that a fierce competitor was someone who was prepared to treat everyone and anyone in their vicinity as equals and promote those who deserved praise.
Biles showed that a great competitor was prepared to look back and lift those behind them as they climbed.
It is Biles' ability to identify the preeminence of her competition and congratulate their excellence that sets her aside from the rest. The gymnast won silver and gold at the Paris Olympics, but she also won the admiration of many viewers who had the pleasure of watching her break barriers that many would have let topple them.
Whether she was bowing for the Brazilian gymnast Rebecca Andrade, planning TikToks with Suni Lee, or encouraging Jordan Chiles relentlessly from the sidelines. Biles showed that to be a true Olympic hero and considered the greatest of all time, you'd have to have resilience, bravery, and confidence.
Even when the world is telling you all of the reasons why you shouldn't.
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RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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