#RIPNipsey: A Look Inside The Legacy Of A Real One
It never fails. At the beginning of every year, I say the same thing to one of my closest girlfriends—"I know some people are gonna leave us this year, but I'm never prepared for who." Y'all, we just got into the spring season and already I've been caught totally off guard. James Ingram. Kristoff St. John. Kevin Barnett. And, as a diehard Beverly Hills, 90210 fan while I was growing up, Luke Perry. But there was something about hearing the news of—attributes are not listed in any particular order of importance here—hip-hop artist, philanthropist, entrepreneur, community builder, father, man of Ms. Lauren London and friend to, have mercy so many (just put #RIPNipsey or basically any variation of the hashtag in your Twitter search field for evidence of just how many people knew and loved him) Nipsey Hussle that particularly stung. No, stings.
Aspects and Angles / Shutterstock.com
Before I attempt to do this mini-tribute any sort of justice, let me just say that as someone who lost my father five years ago and my fiancé on the same day that he proposed 24 years ago this fall, there is nothing more annoying than having someone who didn't personally know someone you loved try and tell you—or anyone else—about them. No, I've never met Sir Ermias Asghedom (his birth name). I've also never been to one of his shows or purchased anything from his store (although believe you me, I'll be finding some sort of way to give a few coins in support, in his honor, over the next few weeks). Still, he did make an impact on me in some pretty random-yet-relevant ways. I didn't realize just how much until today.
Nipsey Hussle as a Businessman
I'm pretty sure that most of us have heard the saying "Know your worth and then add tax." It's pretty much a mantra over here on this side. But Nipsey took it to a whole 'nother level when, once upon a time, he decided to charge $100 a pop for his mixtape; he reportedly made (count it) $100,000 in under 24 hours at his pop-up shop.
It shook (and probably shocked) so much of the business world that he was featured in Forbes back in 2013 (Forbes actually checked for him quite a bit afterwards. Also peep "Inside Nipsey Hussle's Blueprint to Become a Real Estate Mogul" that was published this past February). According to Nipsey, he attributed the idea to something he read in the book Contagious: Why Things Catch On (Jonah Berger). That stayed with me because it's a powerful reminder to make a lane rather than wait for someone to open up one for you. Oh, and if you don't know how to do that…READ SOMETHING.
Nipsey Hussle as a Community Activist, Supporter and Selfless Giver
Matthew 6:1-2(NKJV) says, "Take heed that you do not do your charitable deeds before men, to be seen by them. Otherwise you have no reward from your Father in heaven. Therefore, when you do a charitable deed, do not sound a trumpet before you as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory from men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward."
As I read a beautiful piece on Nipsey's life inThe Los Angeles Times this morning, something about him reminded me a lot of Prince. I say that because just like Prince did a lot of giving that many of us knew nothing about until he was gone, so did he (check out "Prince, the Secret Philanthropist: 'His Cause Was Humanity'").
Indeed, tears came to my eyes as I read, not just about how Nipsey was in the process of opening a STEM center in the Crenshaw District or how he was also redeveloping a strip mall, but also how it was nothing for him to buy a pair of shoes for teens, provide jobs for the homeless or cover the funeral fees for people who couldn't afford it. Y'all, real giving doesn't need attention or applause. It just needs a source. Nipsey was living evidence of this very fact.
Nipsey Hussle as a Bold AF Voice
Ida B. Wells once said, "The way to right wrongs is to turn the light of truth upon them." Listen, it's no secret that Nipsey was going to produce a documentary on the late—and for many of us who aren't in the Matrix would dare say "great"—Dr. Sebi. In fact, last night, the good (holistic) doctor was trending on Twitter right along with the tragic news about Nipsey.
I'm not gonna get into all of the conspiracies; time will reveal what needs to be seen and known but in February of 2018, Nipsey went onto The Breakfast Club and (at the 26:53 mark) said some pretty…courageous things about the doctor and why he wanted to give his trial a (louder) voice. The things he said reminded me of something I read that actor Christian Bale once said: "I tend to think you're fearless when you recognize why you should be scared of things, but do them anyway."
To speak up against the government and pharmaceutical companies (Dr. Sebi) and then set out to shine a spotlight on him, Nipsey is fearless personified. Fear stifles. Nipsey appeared to have very little of that. It was even evident in the final tweet that he posted on yesterday—"Having strong enemies is a blessing." A blessing is a form of favor and mercy. I believe Nipsey has been granted both. In a myriad of ways. Some seen. Some unseen.
So what will happen to Nipsey's passion project now? Nick Cannon vowed on his IG that he would pick up the baton. It's touching. It's also a reminder that fearlessness is catching. That's just one more thing that moves me about Nipsey's life.
Nipsey Hussle as a Lover
My fiancé died in a freak car accident. It was so freakish that it's a book all unto itself. One of the strangest things about it is he died at a Shell station on Bell Road in Nashville. What's the big deal? If we had married, my name would've been "Shellie Bell". My nickname growing up was "Shell Bell".
***Deep breath***Last week, I watched the absolutely-adorable-and-totally-infectious GQ video featuring Nipsey and actor, Nipsey's lover and mother of one of his children Kross (he also has a daughter from a previous relationship named Emani), Lauren London. She had to ask her man 30 questions about her (he got 24 of 'em right, by the way). I got chills when they discussed that they met "On Crenshaw and Slauson, at my store."
Whew. One of his "creative babies" is on Crenshaw and Slauson. He met the love of his life (and later created more life with her) on Crenshaw and Slauson. He lost his life on Crenshaw and Slauson. Trust me, unless you lose "the one", you have NO IDEA what it's like. What you may even try and conceptualize doesn't begin to crack the surface. I must say that it did bring some warmth to my heart that Lauren loved a man who was again, fearless, in expressing his love for her; so much so that there is cyberspace documentation that no one can question.
On the red carpet at this year's GRAMMYs, Nipsey captioned a pic with her on his IG that simply said, "Isis and Osiris". On Lauren's birthday back in December, he posted a shot that said, "Happy Birthday 2 A Real One". Last summer, in a pic that had Lauren looking as beautiful as ever (and usual), his caption said, "Been thru a lot...Never folded on me. Love and respect that for life." It's not a ton of words but, let's be real— it's more than a lot of men are willing to publicly declare. Big ups to a man who leaves no doubt as to who he wants, is into and is down for. Big ups also to the men who recognize how real the love between two people are. Black men know how to love Black women. Nipsey made this point very clear.
Nipsey Hussle as a Man with a Short Life Yet a HUGE Legacy
33. Whenever I hear that someone has died at the age of 33, it jolts my spirit. Yehoshua the Christ died at 33. And, so did other people who made an impact in their own special way. Sam Cooke and Donny Hathaway are just two people who immediately come to mind. But when I thought about how one of my friends reacted when he heard the news, I knew that if there was one word to sum up what Nipsey positioned himself for, even in a little over three decades, it's legacy.
Me: "Dude, did you hear about Nipsey Hussle?!"
Him: "I can't believe it! I just bought a shirt at his store a couple of months ago."
My friend is a GRAMMY/Emmy/Dove award-winning producer by the name of SHANNON SANDERS. Because he's been in the industry for so long, we have interesting chats about the smoke-and-mirrors of the scene. But when I asked him what shook him so much about the loss of Nipsey, what he said about what he found to be the genuineness (not perfection but genuineness) of him is how I think I'll bring all of this to a close.
"My grandmother was a part of one of the first graduating classes at Crenshaw High School. Two neighborhoods I know like no other are South Nashville and the Crenshaw District. What I want to know at this point is, how many times do we have to see this narrative? It's so senseless and what I really hate about this instance is [Nipsey] represented the best among us in terms of community aspirations."
"To be killed outside of the doorstep of the empire that he built? It just hurts. But what I pray is that his loss will have a 'dandelion effect'—that what he did will inspire others when it comes to caring for people and building up their own communities. That if there is a silver lining to this tragedy, it's although he went to sleep, it has reminded many of us to wake up."
Hmph. I can't help but apply SHANNON's last line to the final scene in Spike Lee's School Daze. WAKE UP, indeed.
Rest in Peace and Power, Nipsey. We're holding you in our thoughts, hearts and prayers, Lauren. You come from good seed, Emani and Kross. We're up. We're woke. We promise.
Featured image by Andres Tardio.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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Featured image by CoffeeAndMilk/Getty Images