

For Black Women In Peril When Representation Isn't Enough
In I Know Why a Caged Bird Sings, poet and author Maya Angelou details the five-year period of her childhood when she was mute – unable to speak – after the man who had raped her was murdered shortly after being released from jail. “My voice killed that man,” Angelou recounts in an interview with Oprah Winfrey on how her seven-year-old logic led to her years-long bout of self-imposed silence. It was only through her voracious love of the written word that she would eventually reclaim her voice.
I was reminded of that story while looking at the image of Angelou newly engraved onto the back of the quarter dollar. An image of the late poet is posed with her arms wide open, juxtaposed alongside a bird with its wings spread open as if they’re both about to take flight. But if her writing was the song that Angelou sang, then arresting her image as the newest face of American currency is just another cage.
Maya Angelou’s image is on the back of a coin that still features a slaveowner on the front. Huh.
— Renée Graham 🏳️🌈 (@reneeygraham) January 11, 2022
In a press release, Secretary of Treasury Janet L. Yellen said that the decision to put Angelou on the quarter signals “what we value, and how we’ve progressed as a society.” But when you realize that enslaver George Washington still sits on the front of the quarter that Angelou – whose great-grandmother was born a slave – it begins to set in just how sinister it is that in a country that was founded on the use of Black people as capital, use a Black woman who grew up in poverty and experiencing the worst of this country’s evil as an emblem to reinforce the existence of the state.
In the midst of a global pandemic that has raged into its third year, Black women have experienced the brunt of the continued political failure in America. According to a recent Harvard study, Black women have died of COVID-19 at “more than three times the rate of white men and Asian men.” And though Angelou died in 2014, Black women like her – the elderly, those dealing with “comorbidities” like chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (like Angelou did) – are at severe risk from COVID today.
So when Yellen speaks of how much America “values” Black women, we must contrast such statements against the millions who have died or been left disabled by COVID-19 due to this country’s deeply embedded medical racism as well as the government’s lack of preventative action in favor of preserving capitalism.
We have a Maya Angelou coin. An Ida B Wells barbie doll yet poor Black women are experiencing the brunt of this pandemic and overall societal collapse. Representation feels like nothing but a bandaid placed over a bullet hole
— Daniel Kaluuya If You Are Reading This I Swallow (@WrittenByHanna) January 12, 2022
Had this country actually valued Black women, especially in the midst of a pandemic, we would have free healthcare, free childcare, and universal basic income along with a thriving wage. Instead, we are given symbols. Empty gestures. Like a placebo or a band-aid over a bullet hole. Mere objects meant to placate us out of demanding what we need.
Representation has become America’s cynical move, deployed with an alarming frequency in the past decade against marginalized people’s calls for material change.
Shortly before Angelou’s coin was released, the Mattel Brand Barbie announced that they would be making a doll in honor of journalist Ida B. Wells who is recognized for her work documenting the terror that was lynching. This isn’t the first time that Barbie has invited a historical figure into her Dreamhouse, but it’s a curious choice, nonetheless, for a brand known for making white supremacist beauty standards a fixture in homes across the world, to have chosen for their latest doll a Black woman who spent her career pushing back against whiteness.
I’m really exhausted by folks jumping up and down over every little thing.
— C. (@womanistwriter) January 11, 2022
Maya Angelou on a coin doesn’t buy us a remedy against racial oppression. It buys THEM more time…
That’s not to mention Kamala Harris, the mixed-race Black woman whose image as the first woman sworn into the vice presidency was intended to conjure in our minds the Obama-era feelings of racial progress and pride in America. But what does a Black woman in the second-highest office of the land mean, when her administration continues to let so many Black women suffer economically and physically for the benefit of empire? There’s violence in turning a Black woman’s legacy into a thing to be played with. And in suggesting that a Black woman being second in command of this country could possibly make this place any less evil.
Angelou was many things. She was a poet, an author, an actress, a director, and a sex worker. She was a woman who lived many lives. But most importantly she was a little girl whose voice returned to her through her poetry after years of silence and trauma. She lives in her words, not through symbols that render her inanimate, dull, and voiceless.
To settle for representation is to settle for the cage that Angelou wrote about. Looking to see ourselves advance inside of white power structures only ensnares us into white supremacy’s trap. Black women deserve more. Wells deserves more. Angelou deserves more.
Featured image by Michael Ochs Archives/Getty Images, Illustration by Kyra Jay
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From Monogamy To Polyamory: 'I'm In An Asexual Poly Marriage With My Husband Of 7 Years'
Have you ever wondered what it's like to be asexual and in an open marriage? Relationship Coach Mikki Bey shared her first-hand experience with us as well as answered some of our burning questions.
Like a lot of people, Mikki met her now husband, Raheem Ali, online. As soon as they met, they instantly fell in love and got engaged on their first date. Just 90 days after they met, the couple tied the knot and have now been married for seven years. Raheem and Mikki aren’t your typical married couple, and despite being married for almost a decade, their marriage is anything but traditional. Mikki and Raheem have what she calls an "asexual polyamorous marriage."
Defining Her Sexuality
It wasn't until last summer that Mikki found the language to define her sexuality. "I didn't have the language for it until last summer," she explained to xoNecole. "Looking back, I just thought sex wasn't my thing. It was never enjoyable for me, and I'd go years without even noticing.”
Mikki always thought she was broken because she had no interest in sex. Mikki noticed after her friends came to visit and started discussing their sexual fantasies that she realized something was different about her. “At that point, I knew something was definitely different about me since I do not have sexual fantasies at all. It was truly news to me that people are at work thinking about sex! That was not my experience.” This led to Mikki researching asexuality, which she soon realized fit her to a T. “It felt like breathing new air when I was able to call it by name," said Mikki.
"Looking back, I just thought sex wasn't my thing. It was never enjoyable for me, and I'd go years without even noticing it."
Asexuality refers to people who experience little or no sexual attraction, experience attraction without acting on it sexually, or experience sexual attraction differently based on other factors. Like most things, asexuality falls on a spectrum and encompasses many other identities. It's important to remember, however, that attraction and action are not always synonymous: some asexuals may reject the idea of sexual contact, but others may be sex-neutral and engage in sexual activity.
It's possible that some asexuals will have sex with someone else despite not having a libido or masturbating, but others will have sex with a partner because it brings a sense of connection.
From a Traditional Marriage to Kitchen Table Polyamory
Although Mikki never really had a high sex drive, it wasn’t until after the birth of her son, that she noticed her sex drive took a real nosedive. “I never had a high sex drive, but about a year after my son was born, I realized I had zero desire. My husband has a high sex drive, and I knew that it would not be sustainable to not have sex in our marriage at that time.”
She was determined to find an alternative to divorce and stumbled upon a polyamory conversation on Clubhouse. Upon doing her own research, she brought up the idea to their husband, who was receptive. “It’s so interesting to me that people weigh sex so heavily in relationships when even if you are having a ton of sex, it’s still a very small percentage of the relationship activity," Mikki shared.
They chose polyamory because Mikki still wanted to be married, but she also wanted to make sure that Raheem was getting his individual needs and desires met, even if that meant meeting them with someone else. “I think that we have been programmed to think that our spouses need to be our 'everything.' We do not operate like that. There is no one way that fits all when it comes to relationships, despite what society may try to tell you. Their path to doing this thing called life together may be different from yours, but they found what works for them. We have chosen to design a marriage that works for us,” Mikki explained.
"We have chosen to design a marriage that works for us. We both consent to each of us having everything from casual sex partners to lifetime partners if it should go there. We believe love is abundant and do not limit ourselves or each other on how we express it."
She continued, “We both consent to each of us having everything from casual sexual partners to lifetime partners if it should get there. We believe love is abundant and do not limit ourselves or each other on how we express it. Our dynamic is parallel with kitchen table poly aspirations.”
Kitchen table polyamory (KTP) is a polyamorous relationship in which all participants are on friendly terms enough to share a meal at the kitchen table. Basically, it means you have some form of relationship with your partner’s other partner, whether as a group or individually. A lot of times, KTP relationships are highly personal and rooted in mutual respect, communication, and friendship.
Intimacy in an Asexual Polyamorous Marriage
Mikki says she and her husband, Raheem, still share intimate moments despite being in a polyamorous marriage. “Our intimacy is emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical, although non-sexual. We are intentional about date nights weekly, surprising and delighting each other daily, and most of all, we communicate our needs regularly. In my opinion, our intimacy is top-tier! I give my husband full-body massages, mani-pedis and make sure I am giving him small physical touches/kisses throughout the day. He is also very intentional about showing me his love and affection.”
Raheem and Mikki now use their lives as examples for others. On their website, thepolycouplenextdoor.com, they coach people interested in learning how to be consensually non-monogamous. “We are both relationship coaches. I specialized in emotional regulation, and Raheem specializes in communication and conflict resolution. The same tools we use in our marriage help our clients succeed in polyamory."
Mikki advises people who may be asexual or seeking non-monogamy to communicate their needs openly and to consider seeking sex therapy or intimacy coaching. Building a strong relationship with a non-sexual partner requires both empathy and compassion.
For more of Mikki, follow her on Instagram @getmikkibey. Follow the couple's platform on Instagram @thepolycouplenextdoor.
Featured image by skynesher/Getty Images