I don't know about y'all, but whenever Golden Globes and Oscar nominations come out, more times than not, I'm rolling my eyes. As a self-professed movie buff who fully enjoys the art of acting and filmmaking, sometimes I am utterly baffled by who gets a nod and, more importantly, who doesn't. But in order to stay focused on what this article is really about, I'll avoid the rabbit hole of getting into the politics of award shows and how, so very often, many artists get overlooked. Instead, let me first say "big ups" to Ms. Cynthia Erivo's Best Actress nomination for her portrayal of Harriet Tubman in Harriet, along with co-writing and performing the song "Stand Up" in the film (something that could gain her the much coveted EGOT title if she wins). That's dope. Truly. And then let me get to what made me smile, big time, as I scanned the nominations list. Matthew A. Cherry.
Just 48 hours ago, this is what he tweeted.
Then yesterday...this.
(Fun fact: Issa Rae plays Zuri's mom in the film. Ah, the circle of life!) Man, you would think this guy was my little brother (he's only 38), first cousin or somebody I sat at the lunch table with in grade school every day, if you went by how excited I was to hear the news of his Oscar nod! Honestly, I think a part of the reason is because, back when I used to run a friend of mine's business connect Twitter, I followed Matthew and engaged with him some. When it comes to pop culture and slick jabs, he's hilarious. He also comments back quite a bit. Although I'm getting ahead of myself, I've got some proof of that. A little over a month ago, my godchildren's mom wrote him about how much his now Oscar-nominated animated short film Hair Love resonated with her. And, true to fashion, he replied.
There's a Scripture that says, "By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life." (Proverbs 22:4—NKJV) Matthew's apparent display of humility alone is enough to make this nomination make total sense. But there are a few other reasons why I am absolutely thrilled to publicly acknowledge what he and his film have accomplished.
'Hair Love' Is Beyond Sweet—and Very Necessary
If, for some reason, you've never seen Hair Love before, take out a moment to check it out right now (right here). Even though it's an animated short, I still won't give the storyline away. What I will say is that, when I first checked it out, one of the first things that came to mind was the cute animated character on Sesame Street who used to say, on repeat, "A loaf of bread…a container of milk…and a stick of butter" while running an errand for her mother. Why does that little girl still stand out to me? She had a beautiful deep chocolate skin tone. She also had a natural. And she loved herself. Fast forward to all these years later and that's what immediately came to mind when I first looked at Zuri—also chocolate, also rockin' a natural and also loving herself. Not to mention her having two parents who loved her and each other too (yes!).
Being that Hair Love is animated, it's something that all ages can immediately connect with; that was a brilliant move on Matthew's part. Yet there are so many subtle messages that I really appreciate too.
Again, without giving too much away—there's a little girl who struggles to style her hair but never once complains about its amazing texture. There's a father who adores his daughter and has a natural style too. And, there's a mom who is attentive enough to know that both dad and daughter need help—not because natural hair is "difficult" but because mastering any art form requires knowledge, technique and patience.
Hair Love reminds us all that Black love comes in so many forms and is to be recognized, honored and celebrated. By us, most of all. That is what will make this film timeless. A classic well beyond this year and its well-deserved Oscar praise.
Matthew Is a True Creative. That Deserves Nothing but Respect.
The cool thing about filmmakers, writers and directors is, oftentimes, you "see" them without even really knowing it. If you've ever watched the movie The Last Fall (Lance Gross, Nicole Beharie), Matthew both wrote and directed that (if you haven't, it's pretty good, by the way). Michelle Williams's music video "Believe in Me" and "Say Yes" (featuring Beyoncé and Kelly Rowland), he directed those too. If Chloe X Halle's song "Warrior" is your jam, he also directed that video (you can check out more of what he's accomplished, thus far, via his website). But I really started checkin' for him right when he was ready to put Hair Love out into the Universe.
I remember back when Matthew was raising money for his animated short film. It was a Kickstarter campaign a few years ago. One of the things that stood out to me in his campaign's presentation, was this oh-so-very-relevant point that he wrote for it—"This story was born out of seeing a lack of representation in mainstream animated projects, and also wanting to promote hair love amongst young men and women of color. It is our hope that this project will inspire."
Inspire. That's the signature trait of a true creative; they are able to inspire others.
When someone is able to use their own creativity and ingenuity to influence and invigorate others to ultimately do the same for someone else, that's when you know, without a doubt, that they are operating in their gifts and soaring in their God-given lane.
Last I checked, Hair Love has gotten a whopping close-to-11 million views on YouTube alone. But again, if you haven't yet checked it out, devote seven minutes or so of your life. I'd be shocked if it didn't make you smile, reflect and, if like my godchildren's mom, you can personally relate, even shed a tear or two. I'd be floored if it didn't straight up inspire you.
Inspire you to either start or finish a project.
Inspire you to seek out someone who's willing to invest in your dream.
Inspire you to attempt something—even if you don't have all of the answers…or resources.
Inspire you to trust that your idea, your talent and your passion are enough.
Inspire you to take a risk, keeping in mind that, like Matthew has just proven…risks oftentimes come with great rewards.
Matthew A. Cherry, I've also noticed that you're an NFL alum. It really is amazing how paths can shift but all for the better, isn't it? Black king, please know that every member of the xoTribe salutes you today and couldn't be more proud. There is a profound respect that we have for you showin' us all some "hair love". Embrace all that is coming. You deserve it.
Now excuse me while I go and rub a little Chebe butter on my hair, pick it out and grin. Just like I'm sure little Zuri—and her parents—are doing right at this very moment. In Matthew's honor.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
This Is Why Your Natural Hair Ain't Growin'
10 Natural Hair Products To Add To Your Routine
One But Not Equal: Natural Hair Is Not The Same
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Feature image by Kickstarter
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And honestly, the holiday season isn’t exempt from this. I know from personal experience because, as someone who hasn’t observed any for many years now (without one regret), you’d be amazed by all of the theories that I’ve heard as to why that is the case. SMDH.
Chile, you don’t have the time and I don’t have the space to get into all of that nonsense. For now, I just want to provide a silver lining from my having to endure other people’s yapping by letting those of you who may not be super enthusiastic about the holidays this year (or any year) either that there is nothing wrong with that — or with you.
I’ll break down why and how I’ve come to that conclusion.
Not Being “on-10” Doesn’t Make You a Grinch
GiphyHonestly, I have some pretty solid memories about Christmastime. Because my mother grew up with an alcoholic father (and supreme spiritual hypocrite), she was very emotionally tied to the holiday because it was the only time that she recalled having real peace in her home. And so, we did the Christmas thing, pretty much to the hilt — fresh Christmas trees, baking Christmas-themed desserts, watching holiday movies, going caroling, stringing popcorn…you name it.
It wasn’t until I became an adult and I started doing research on the origin stories of holidays (check out “The History of Christmas” if you don’t already know about it), in general, that I became more and more detached. Plus, as a seventh-day Sabbath observer (Exodus 20:8-11, Hebrews 4, Matthew 28:1) — every Friday sunset through Saturday sunset was like a holiday in certain ways to me, so I never really “lived” for traditional calendar ones.
That doesn’t mean that I am all "Bah humbug" to folks who are totally into the holiday, though. For instance, my godchildren’s father acts like Christmas is a drug for him and so anything Christmas-like that he can think of is his fix. And although the girls (6 and 14) know that I don’t observe, I am good for getting them a “cold weather present” usually around the time the temps drop (in October) instead of an actual Christmas gift. And although I usually pass on hanging out with folks on Christmas Day, I’ll help bake a cookie or two in the days leading up to it.
So yeah, the first thing that folks who are pretty “meh” about Christmas need to be reminded of is that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make you a Grinch. If you recall the Grinch’s story, he did have some trauma and so he took it out on Christmas. Meanwhile, most of us who can take or leave the holidays, we aren’t “mad”…we’re just…for the most part…disinterested. The rest of y’all “do you,” though. And we mean that sincerely.
Not Being Thrilled Doesn’t Mean That You’re Depressed Either
GiphyI’ve shared before that there is someone in my world who gets so excited about Christmas that I almost want to see if there is a disorder linked to it. LOL. I mean from the start of October on, you are going to hear about her Christmas plans, plus, you are going to start seeing holiday décor up in her house — and she’s always been that way.
Because she knows that “I’m good” on Christmas, there have been times when she’s asked me if it’s because my parents divorced when I was young or if it’s because my family lives overseas or if it’s because I am not married and never had children. Shellie, you’re way too excited for your birthday for you to just…not care about Christmas. I think you might be suppressing something.
Good lord, girl. LOL. I’m excited for birthdays because another year of life in my right mind is a blessing. Christmas, personally, doesn’t make a ton of sense to me (especially to be spending a lot of cents) and so, I’ll pass. It’s really not any deeper than that. Besides, it’s not like I’m sitting in the dark somewhere on Christmas Day rocking back and forth in a corner. If anything, I really appreciate how quiet the world seems to be (both online and off) while everyone else is doing their thing. THANK YOU.
So yeah, if Christmas — or the holiday season, period — doesn’t have you jumping up and down, don’t let other people’s enthusiasm gaslight you into thinking that you should see a therapist. That said, for the record, if someone has mentioned depression to you, here are some signs that mental health professionals say are associated with holiday-related depression:
- Feelings of hopelessness
- Trouble sleeping
- Anxiety
- Tension
- Internalized frustration
- Feeling lonely and isolated
- Not doing any of the things that you typically enjoy
Do you see not wanting to go to a holiday party, opting out of Christmas shopping with a bunch of friends or preferring to not have any Christmas decorations up in your house on the list? Yeah, me neither. Moral to the story: Please don’t let people get you down by trying to manipulate you into thinking that if you aren’t like them, something must be wrong with you. During the holiday seasons or otherwise, chile.
Use This Time (Unapologetically) for Yourself
GiphyRemember how I just said that one of the things I damn near adore about Christmas is, since everyone is focused on their own families, I can get some real quality time to myself? Although a lot of things are closed on Christmas Day, you can still order a favorite meal the day before, turn off your phone and sleep in on Christmas Day and, if you want to get out and about — I don’t know about y’all but one of my favorite things is to go to the movies alone and movie theaters are always open on Christmas.
You know, I’ve shared before that I once interviewed a Jewish woman who was married to a Christian man. Together, they observe Chrismukkah and there is something that she said about it that has always stayed with me (paraphrased): “I don’t believe in Christmas but anything that can bring peace, joy and goodwill to humanity, even for a day, that is something that I can get behind.” I agree. And sometimes, what we need to remind ourselves is we need to set aside time to bring peace, joy and goodwill to ourselves. Use the holiday season to do that, if nothing else. You won’t regret it.
Do Private Things More than Public Ones
GiphyEven beyond Christmas, specifically, what if the entire holiday season is something that you’re pretty ho-hum about because things like mall traffic, stressed out relatives and the busyness of it all aren’t your favorite things? My two cents would be to not put your head under the covers and just wait for January 2 to arrive. Instead, opt out of big celebrations and do “calmer and quieter” things with some of your favorite people.
Since pretty much from a couple of days before Christmas until kids go back to school, folks are not on their “usual schedule,” go to brunch with your favorite aunt (or uncle), host a sleepover with a couple of girlfriends and/or Zoom one of your buddies to create vision boards for the new year.
Listen, just because you may not be in the traditional holiday spirit, that doesn’t mean that you can’t take advantage of the time that it offers for you to do some quality things with people you care about. Just you and them. No one else.
Create Your Own Traditions
GiphyNot into the 12 Days of Christmas? Pamper yourself for the week leading into the New Year. Don’t want a Christmas tree? Have some roses or poinsettias sent to your house. Couldn’t care less about a ball dropping on New Year’s Eve? Rent out a huge Airbnb New Year’s Eve and enjoy a change of scenery.
Y’all, just because the holiday season comes with its own traditions, there is no written rule which says that you have to follow them — or that you can’t come up with some of your own. Hell, if you put enough thought into this tip, you might look up and realize that you absolutely adore this time of year — just for a totally different set of reasons than most. Beautiful.
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