Cue the vulnerability, the new season of Love Is Blind premiered today, and with it came the release of the season's first batch of episodes, episodes 1-5. And whether you tune in because you're a believer in true love or you’re skeptical at how many couples navigate the inevitable red flags they encounter throughout the show, Love Is Blind Season 4 will surely be cemented in our minds and our tea-time conversations for weeks to come. Yes, there will be love, and while I don't bask in the sorrow of others, yes, there will be tears. What more can you ask for from high-stakes reality TV?
For brevity's sake, I’m focusing on the melanated contestants and giving first impressions and highlights of their journey throughout episodes 1-3, beginning with the first three episodes that focus on couples making love connections inside of the Pods. The recap for episodes 4-5 that feature the post-Pods engaged couples will soon follow.
Editor's Note: These are my thoughts in real-time as I am watching each episode; spoilers are most definitely ahead!
Episodes 1-3: During the Pods
Kwame
Courtesy of Netflix
33, Sales Development Manager
Let me just say, with Kwame, the edit he received from the jump wasn’t the best, and I have a feeling the internet might go in a little bit on some of the soundbites he gave when we’re first introduced to him. From his storytime about having to prove his worthiness to the parents of his prom date, who wouldn’t let her go with him because “I’m Black,” to his early admission of thinking of using his first name “Alex” in the Pods instead of the name he usually goes by (Kwame) so that there were no assumptions from the other non-Black singles, the edit sometimes did him very little favors.
As a viewer, the point of the experiment is that “love is blind,” and to me, it felt like I could pinpoint very specific instances where it seemed Kwame was doing his best to still connect the dots between him and his real-world preference within the Pods. But maybe I misunderstood the point. However cringy his revelations of his dating history, they served as indicators that there was a chip on his shoulder, and I feel that shows in the way he dates in the Pods.
Case in point, feeling worthy is important to him, and there are times he seems to question that. He is into a woman named Micah, who is clearly lukewarm af about him (until she isn’t), as well as a woman named Chelsea, who is sure about him and has always been sure about him, but for whatever reason, Kwame can’t get Micah out of his head. What he likes about Chelsea, though, is that she validates him constantly, and he makes it a point to say this a few times over the course of the Pods episodes. See what I’m saying about those needing to feel worthy?
Although Kwame has things he likes about Chelsea overall, the trait that makes the top of his list when he is explaining her to other contestants, women and men alike, is that she validates him. For someone who might have navigated a dating scene where he always doubted himself and what he brought to the table, having someone like Chelsea in his corner who is constantly pouring into him in that way unprompted is something that feeds him in a way he didn’t know he was starving for. Will he choose Micah (side eye) or Chelsea, the woman who has been sure about wanting to be with him from minute one?
The answer of who Kwame should choose becomes a lot clearer as the episodes progress, and it becomes obvious to anyone with eyes that Micah is playing games and doing her best to secure her place on the series, whether it’s with Kwame or another contestant, Paul. Does she have real feelings for Kwame? I think so, in a way, but it’s definitely not the same energy Kwame gives to the courtship process in the Pods.
Though I loved his proposal to Chelsea (because Kwame can articulate his feelings so well, man), and Chelsea’s words back to him especially, the fact that I’m privy to some of his exchanges with Micah (including the fact that his strong connection with Chelsea was also about her validating and reassuring him of her feelings for him constantly) really made it hard for Kwame’s words to hit the way they could have.
His confessing to Micah that he wanted to propose to her earlier than he originally intended because she is “what I always envisioned” didn’t help alleviate those feelings of cringe I had that Chelsea probably wasn’t privy to these interactions pre-engagement. Sir was boo-hoo crying when Micah gave her official notice that she wanted to explore other connections (i.e., Paul) even though all the signs pointed to “Not Micah.” Honestly, how everything transpired gave me Jarette-Mallory-Iyanna teas from Love Is Blind Season 2, and I wish that on no woman. And I actually rock with Chelsea.
For that reason, the sweetness of what it should have been with Kwame’s proposal to Chelsea was a bit tainted. Chelsea said off-rip that she has never been with someone she could say in her “soul” that he is the person she wants to be with. It looks like Kwame could finally be that one. In all fairness, she is aware of his sadness over Micah “ending things,” but I’m certain she is not privy to the depths of all that transpired.
I just hope that by popping the question to Chelsea, he understands what he has and doesn’t get caught up in the shoulda, woulda, coulda of Micah that is sure to come in the episodes where the cast members inevitably interact with one another.
Tiffany
Courtesy of Netflix
Client Recruiter, 36
Now that the unpleasantness is out of the way, let's segue into a palette cleanser, otherwise known as my girl in my head, Tiffany! Yes, she's my girl. There was something about her that made me connect with her most immediately of all the contestants shown. However, I probably have a lot less to say about her because she has quickly secured her position on my list of "Love Is Blind: Season 4 Unproblematic Faves." At 36, she is one of the older cast members of the season, and it is her age that she admits made her feel insecure about coming into the experiment.
Tiffany tells the camera at one point that being her age makes her nervous about still not having her person, but she is all-in with this love experiment because she doesn't have "to shift through the BS" that is the dating scene in 2023 or any era really. She knows that whoever she is talking to is just as ready for marriage as she is.
Early in the first episode, she confesses to Brett that her longest relationship was 2 ½ years and happened more than a decade ago. He quickly reveals a similar romantic history in his past, and you can tell it was a vulnerable moment for Tiffany. We see the relief wash over her that she made a similar connection with someone else on something she was ashamed about. It was at that moment that I felt it between her and Brett.
Though she talked briefly with Marshall, who was a lot younger than her, her primary connection would be with Brett. Each scene we watch play out on screen feels like the intentional unlocking of a new level of intimacy. Something about their shared values and the fact that maybe they have some similarities with what they've experienced in love makes my heart flutter a bit during their first meeting in the Pods, and much of that continues throughout their time in the Pods.
Courtesy of Netflix
Later in the episode, I love how Tiffany owned the fact that her ideas of what her partner "should be" might have stopped her from dating someone like Brett outside of the Pods just because he didn't have a degree or a linear career path, criteria that turned out to be superficial in the grand scheme of things.
Tiffany tells the camera she thought she knew what she wanted until she "met" Brett. The experiment shifted what she wanted in love and partnership, and what she loves about Brett is that she feels like she can be herself with him. That's a win right there.
Things take a dramatic turn at the end of the episode when Brett talks openly about his discomfort with the word " love, " and Tiffany falls into a deep, deep sleep! Brett felt a way and started to shut down after feeling hurt, even saying to his castmate afterward that he was "done." To be fair, I could tell they both were sleepy right before she fell asleep, so I don't think it was malicious, but I love that she owned up to her misstep in the next episode. (And I will also say that this type of low-stakes drama points to why Tiffany is an unproblematic fave of the season, just sayin'.)
But will it be enough to get him out of his feelings and onto one knee?
Brett
Courtesy of Netflix
Design Director, 35
Much like Tiffany, Brett had me at hello. One of my first times seeing him on the show was in the Pods with Tiffany, so maybe that’s where my bias begins. He was straight up in their initial conversation, where he touched on his “purpose” for being in the experiment. Brett wants a partner, and he wants an equal. Similar to Tiffany, he reveals in his first confessional of the season that he loves that the experiment allows them to move past the guessing game of what the other person wants out of getting to know one another.
“I’m looking for a partner, and Tiffany’s at the top of my list,” he tells the camera. There’s something about certainty in a man. It opens doors, it moves mountains, and it makes me fall in love with someone through a screen. And that is my first impression of Brett. That he knows what he wants, and there’s something really refreshing about that because I don’t think I see that as often in the male contestants unless it’s some type of messy love triangle type setup. In so many ways, he and Tiffany feel like a breath of fresh air. He is drawn to her loving and caring nature and also loves the fact that she sometimes finds motivation in being doubted because he is the same in some ways. In a very vulnerable moment during one of their first “dates” in the Pods, Brett asks to hear her story before opening up about his own upbringing and how their shared mentality connects them.
As he is detailing a tough upbringing, to see Tiffany close her eyes while listening to him recount a time when he felt shame as a child for not having certain things, the empathy was beautiful. Love was being made. After he finishes his literal rags to riches story, Tiffany is in awe. “You’re an amazing person,” she tells him. Brett is beaming like the sun as she says this. Love was being made, y’all.
It’s truly the synergy for me. You don’t really see much interaction between Brett and other cast members inside the Pods or Tiffany and other cast members. So you know that this is real. The fact that they are both feeling so strongly about each other. Brett admits to feeling scared, but I love that one of the cast members, Marshall, advised him to push forward and “take the leap.” “I’m starting to become aware of how into you I am,” he admits to her.After years of dating and not feeling particularly connected, he feels fully seen by Tiffany and that she accepts him for him, which is interesting because she said something similar about him in her confessional earlier in the episode.
Despite Brett feeling a way that Tiffany fell asleep during his in the Pods confessional, he ultimately feels she is the one and proposes! Sis makes him a better man, and in her, he also sees the man he wants to become. The proposal is so sweet, and I could be reaching, but I love that she wore pink and he was wearing yellow, which reminded me of the previous episode when they accidentally matched each other. It’s the synergy, baby!
Their first meeting was as cute and wholesome as their journey together has felt so far.
Marshall
Courtesy of Netflix
Marketing Manager, 26
I can't be the only one who thinks Marshall gives Jesse Williams teas facially. I don't know about you, but when I turn my head to the side and squint my eye at the TV, I can see it. This is neither here nor there, but I had to clear the air. After not seeing much of him in the first episode, aside from the heart-to-heart message he delivered to Brett mentioned above in his time of need, in the second episode, we get more of a glimpse into his connections, particularly the one he has with Jackelina, who goes by Jackie.
In one of his very first scenes, we hear him describing Jackie as someone who is authentic and that she "feels like home" to him. And it's all real swoon-like. However, Jackie has options and is semi-entertaining Josh, who she also really vibes with. On the other end of that spectrum, Jackie is sir's #1, so this setup is feeling like yet another love triangle dynamic. Three in one season? Yes, that's where we are. Hell, there might even technically be four this season if I am counting correctly.
Marshall most definitely wears his heart on his sleeve, something he says to the camera in one of his confessionals. He is "bullied" by his emotions, in fact, his words, so I'm not surprised he is so passionate about Jackie and feels so strongly about their connection. The floodgates open early on when he and Jackie have a conversation about being raised "hard," and he recounts a moment when his father berated him as a child.
Jackie encourages him through his tears by saying he is a "good man" and that if she saw him on the side of the road, she would give him a dollar. Chile… "I wanna share my life with you," he tells her. It all sounds good, but there was something that felt a little off about their rapport. I can't quite put my finger on it, though.
Despite some reservations, Jackie does seem to be feeling Marshall and tells him that she will "break up" with her "other boyfriends" in the house for him. She says she gives him all that she comes with, 100%, which isn't a side of her anyone sees, so there might be something really special brewing there after all.
During a later date in the Pods, she admits to him that he is the only one that talks to her in an emotional way. "I want you to feel safe with me," he tells her. She has reawakened something in him, and he confesses to her that he is in love with her. IN LOVE, y'all. Jackie says nothing for a few beats before exhaling, "Oh my gosh," and then she goes into a download about a date she had with Josh earlier where he told her he would pack his bags and leave if he wasn't leaving the Pods with her.
Marshall hears this, and he gets hot. Meanwhile, I'm thinking to myself, is this the response to him telling you he's falling in love with you? If so, why? As a viewer, it felt like a deflection. But then she says that she didn't know how to tell Josh she was not going to be with him because of how hurt he was that Marshall was also into her. "I feel like I just ruined the moment," Jackie goes on to say about the moment transpiring between them. Bingo. Yes. And I think that was intentional.
At least Marshall wasn't born yesterday. In a lot of ways, sir seems wiser than his 26 years. And the fact that he notes Jackie brought Josh up to him because there is something there between them didn't fly over his head turns out. However, Marshall redirecting his upsetness to Josh felt like a choice, albeit the wrong choice. Jackie starts crying because Marshall seems mad at her. Chile…
"Be a man and talk to me," Marshall ends firmly in reference to Josh trying to talk to Jackie 'behind his back.' "I feel like I'm going to throw up," Jackie says through tears. What is this conversation about, bruh? Maybe it's the editors forcing that third love triangle I mentioned earlier, but the whole exchange felt off. When Jackie is crying on the couch with the other women moments later, it seems like she is overwhelmed by Marshall's emotions and feels forced to make a choice based on his declaration. My opinion, but I think that's why the conversation between them felt so awkward; she felt pressured to say certain things because of what he communicated so clearly and so effortlessly to her.
And I will delightfully skip over this forced pseudo-competition between Josh and Marshall because there's truly nothing to see here. To catch us up, though, Jackie explains to the camera that Marshall basically 'stepped' to Josh and 'let him know what's what,' and Jackie preferred not to see Josh again after that because she made her choice in Marshall because he "is just the better choice for me. He's gonna help me grow." Okay, sis! I do like when Jackie eventually admits she is going to have to "boss up" to be with Marshall. I appreciate the self-awareness there, at least.
I think some of my uneasiness in some of this couple's scenes is a maturity issue because I don't know how I feel about Marshall feeling like he has to check another man about getting rejected by Jackie versus Jackie rejecting that man for herself by herself... Like, whet? The difficult conversations I have seen some of the guys being really upfront about in the Pods when they've had to make another choice to pursue a different connection was needed here, but why did Marshall do Jackie's dirty work for her?
Of course, Marshall proposes to Jackie, and of course, she says yes. And no surprise there, but Marshall was utterly enamored with Jackie when they first met, and he matched the physical with the voice in the Pods. He called their first kiss "the best moment" of his life, and in her confessional, Jackie echoes much of the same, calling him a "good man" for her and saying that his vibe gave everything it was supposed to give.
It's something about how she talks about him and that repetition of him being a "good man" for her… Noted.
Sidebar: I'm not even gonna hold you. I love Brett and Marshall's friendship!
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Featured image courtesy of Netflix
Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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Take monogamy, for example. When I was growing up, it meant "married to one person for a lifetime." This meant that you couldn't be remarried and technically consider yourself monogamous (because you're not with the first person you said vows to). And you definitely couldn't be living with someone or in a long-term relationship and use the word. No, for you, something like "exclusive" would be more accurate (and that's actually the word that I lean into in those instances even now).
These days, though, the goalpost says that monogamy is "marriage with only one person at a time." So, while people who've had more than one spouse can now use the word, when it comes to what we're about to dive into today (a monogamy agreement), folks who are interested in those would still be far better off going with something like "exclusive" to drive their point home. That's because this topic doesn't really have anything to do with marriage…although it does approach commitment in an interesting kind of way.
Yeah, in a world that is ever finding ways to change marriage, redefine marriage or figure out how close they can get to marriage without actually getting married, monogamy agreements have entered the chat. And because we try to cover as many bases as possible, basically on the "FYI tip," I wanted to take a moment to break down what exactly they are.
Let’s Tackle Traditional Marriage First. For Clarity’s Sake.
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I won't lie — even as someone who's been working with married couples for many years now, whenever I happen upon a healthy (first) and happy (second) married couple of more than a decade, I'm halfway in shock. That's because, these days, people seem to treat the sacredness of marriage like they would a dating relationship — they have a big party in the form of a wedding, pledge to God and everyone present that they're not going anywhere (Ecclesiastes 5:1-7) and that their love is patient (I Corinthians 13:4) and then, somewhere down the line, when things get rough, they end it…only to rinse and repeat.
Now when it comes to things like infidelity and abuse, that's not what I'm speaking of here. I'm talking about there are so many people acting like they are married before they actually are (a boyfriend or girlfriend is not a husband or wife) that by the time they do say "I do," they are numbed out to the fact that a marriage is supposed to be several steps up in seriousness and sacredness than a dating dynamic is.
I definitely could go on and on about how there is supposed to be a boatload of integrity behind the vows that are exchanged between two people. However, this article isn't about marriage — it's about monogamy agreements. What I will say about marriage, for now, is it's not just about if you love someone a lot. Ask any pastor, marriage counselor, or even lawyer worth their merit, and they will confirm the fact that marriage is a legal contract — that you are not just vowing sentiments and emotional promises. No, under the law of marriage, there are also certain rights and responsibilities that you are agreeing to as well. That's why people should go into marriage with a very sober and level-headed mind because they're a lot easier to get into than they are to get out of. No doubt about it.
Speaking of legalities, let's touch on marriage licenses for a moment, shall we? Because there is something about them that you actually may not know (that I absolutely think that you should).
So, What’s the Deal with Marriage Licenses and Marriage Certificates?
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Although this really could get its own article, let me just say that marriage licenses definitely deserve some level of side-eye in this country. Even though history says that it started out as being a business contract in England, in America, the long short of it is racist politicians used marriage licenses as a way to keep track of interracial couples (you can read more about it here, here, and here). Yep. So, that's part of the reason why even some traditionally married couples are not super fond of marriage licenses — because, basically, the government is "regulating" the relationship on some level.
With that cleared up, just what is the difference between a marriage license and a marriage certificate? Good question. A marriage license is what allows you to get married in your state prior to saying "I do," while a marriage certificate is a document that proves you are married once your wedding ceremony is actually over.
Can you get a marriage certificate without a marriage license? The short answer would be "no," although couples who fall into the category of "common law marriage" sometimes are able to work around this based on what state they live in. For everyone else, getting married without a marriage license is basically a commitment ceremony. That's because, in order to get a marriage license or marriage certificate, your state's county clerk would have to issue you one.
Now, I ain't got no lies to tell you — go to YouTube, and you will see a good amount of videos (like this one here) stating that not only can you work around not getting a marriage license, you absolutely should. To that, I'll just say that one of the biggest problems with social media is everyone is a so-called expert now, even if they have no credentials to back it up. So with that in mind, if this section of the article has you tempted to go down a long rabbit hole (and I totally get it if it does), speak with some people who have actual and literal experience in the field in your state. Don't just go rogue with your own resolve (please don't let YouTube and TikTok hem you up).
Okay, So What Is This Whole Monogamy Agreement Thing About?
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So, what does all of that have to do with a monogamy agreement? Well, in order to explain why some people are opting for it as an alternative to a marriage license (or marriage altogether), it was important to explain marriage licenses and certificates just so that you could clearly get what the differences are.
Now that you know, a monogamy agreement is pretty much just how it sounds: it's an agreement that is established between two people who want to have some form of a commitment to one another, yet they don't want all of the legalities that come with traditional marriage.
If you're trying to wrap your head around that, I'll explain it to you this way. You've probably heard someone say that they wish that the marriage contract could be renegotiated every few years. For instance, rather than being "locked into" until death parts us, every five years or so, they wish that they could revisit their marriage to see if they want to opt-out, change certain initial agreements, or restructure the marriage altogether. Well, for folks who are wired this way, a monogamy agreement is probably the best route for them to take because, again, although it's not a legally binding contract, it is a formal agreement between them and their partner about what each of their expectations is.
See it like an integrity agreement — no one is making assumptions about where things stand or where things are headed (hopefully); the monogamy agreement puts things in black and white so that it's all crystal clear.
And when I say "black and white," I literally mean just that. Again, although it's not a legal contract, it is a document that lays everything out so that there is no confusion. And what do I mean by "everything"? It's totally up to you and your partner, yet some of the things that people usually include are goals and values, sexual expectations, financial responsibilities, boundaries (both in and outside of the relationship), how infidelity is defined, ultimate goals for the relationship — and yes, when the agreement is up for renegotiation whether that's in a year, five years or 10.
Who Should Consider a Monogamy Agreement?
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Now that you know more about what a monogamy agreement is, let's begin to land this plane with the people a monogamy agreement may be best suited for. While at the end of the day, the short answer is anyone who wants one, there's a specific reason why I decided to even broach this topic.
It's because, while it's not (yet) earth-shattering in either direction, marriage is somewhat on the decline as cohabitation is on the rise in this country. And while research continues to reveal that married couples are more satisfied with their relationship than folks who live together and many who do cohabitate, they see it as a stepping stone towards becoming spouses at some point, let's not act like millennials (and under) aren't a bit gun shy when it comes to saying "I do."
Reportedly, 56 percent of them are not married. For many women, it's because they are prioritizing their education and careers over marriage and a family. Also, some suffer from what is known as gamophobia (the technical term for having a fear of getting married), in part due to a pattern of failed relationships, being the child of divorce (divorce affects children more than a lot of people want to accept) and what getting divorced themselves could possibly cost them. Then there are those who just never wanted to get married…yet that doesn't mean that they don't believe in some form of commitment on some level.
For individuals who don't want to casually date or even just sit at the "boyfriend/girlfriend level" for years on end, monogamy agreements may be a solid fit. You can have your own version of a commitment ceremony (or not), knowing that you're not on one page regarding what your relationship is about while your partner is somewhere totally different. There's no confusion because you literally have documentation about where the two of you are.
Now, I will say this: no agreement works if two people's words are trash (LOL). Yet honestly, that can apply to traditional marriage or a monogamy agreement. I'm just putting you on to what a monogamy agreement is all about if you've been trying to figure out how to have a serious commitment without a legal contract.
No doubt about it, monogamy agreements are gaining some real traction out in these streets.
Something for the committed-yet-not-marriage-minded.
Interesting, right? Relationships always are, chile.
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