It seems like just yesterday, I was singing along to Elle Varner's "Only Want To Give It To You" as it blared through the radio while cruising down the street. And let's not forget the countless times my girls and I blurted out the lyrics to "Refill" anytime we found ourselves at a restaurant. Varner's soulful voice and reflective yet catchy sounds undoubtedly provided a backdrop to some of my most memorable moments. And it's for that reason that I was excited to chat with her on a busy midweek afternoon, as she poetically and transparently spoke on life and love lessons she's learned over the last several years.
Like all of us, Elle wasn't and isn't exempt from let-downs and lessons that come with navigating the murky waters of love and relationships. And if her new EP, so aptly entitled Ellevation, is any indication of the growth she's undertaken, then fans are definitely in for a treat.
xoNecole got the chance to talk with Elle, where she dished on her musical evolution, personal boundaries, and what she needs to have in her next relationship. Here's what she had to say.
xoNecole: Your EP is called ‘Ellevation’ and for good reason, I’m sure. In what ways do you feel you’ve evolved both personally and musically?
Elle Varner: This, for me, was a big growth spurt and kind of an end of a chapter. I kind of liken it to a graduation, because when you come into the music industry professionally--it's a lot like being a freshman. Everything is exciting and new and then stuff gets hard, stuff gets challenging, tiring. But you have to push through those couple of years, then you're rewarded. You've not only completed this milestone, but you have all this knowledge and wisdom to take with you into the "real world". I definitely feel like I've graduated into that space as a woman, as an artist.
You mentioned in an Instagram post that this album had been a sort of healing agent for you. When you're going through a rough patch or combating self-doubt, what do you do to heal and get back to your highest self?
It's really about what's around you. You can't control certain life circumstances, but you can control the people you have around you, the types of food you intake, the type of energy you intake. So for me, one of those big changes was going to church on a regular basis and having a community in the church that really supported me. Reading books, watching TED Talks, all these things that feed you with nourishing uplifting experiences.
Elle Varner
"This, for me, was a big growth spurt and kind of an end of a chapter... You've not only completed this milestone, but you have all this knowledge and wisdom to take with you into the 'real world'. I definitely feel like I've graduated into that space as a woman, as an artist."
Your song “Kinda Love” is pretty straightforward and honest on the type of love you seek now in this season as opposed to what you may have tolerated in the past. What did your last serious relationship teach you about love?
It pointed me in the direction more so of self-love. From my very first relationship in high school up until now, I would say that love doesn't have to be complicated or possessive or consuming. It can be a complement to your life, something that enriches your life, and adds value in certain ways. But it shouldn't be something that consumes you completely, or makes you afraid or holds you back.
What boundaries have you put in place now to ensure that your next relationship is as enriching and valuable as you'd want it to be?
I think I have to come first honestly. When you think of all the extraordinary circumstances of being a woman: we're able to give birth, we carry life in us for nine months, we have to menstruate every 20-something days. And we still go to work and do the things everyone else has to do. So it's not to say that women are better, but it's to say that I'm fully okay with the feeling that my needs have to be super met and that I am a queen and need to be treated as such. That's it. I used to think that somehow that was a bad thing, but no. And I also have to have the kind of dynamic where he understands that I'm fully committed to my work, that this is a lifestyle for me. It's not just a job. I'm giving to so many people, so I need to be fulfilled in a way where it allows me to do that or I just have to leave it alone, you know?
If you could describe your ideal relationship in three words what would they be and why?
"Fun", "love", and "trust". I'm pretty easygoing, a fun person. But I think trust and love are important because people have to really deal with themselves in a way that allows them to be in a relationship with someone else and give them their all when it comes to love. I've experienced things where the person holds back or they were just not able to correct themselves--because they haven't dealt with certain issues. You want to be with someone who's kind of already resolved their issues or is able to come into the relationship whole. And I say "trust" because, you have to keep it real. I don't want you to paint a picture or tell me what I want to hear. I want you to present your truth and I can take it or leave it.
When you do find that whole person, how would you like your man to cater to you?
Right now I'm so focused on my goals and aspirations, I don't know if I have a whole lot of space for that. And I'm really okay with that. That's just the place I'm in, but anyone who does come into my life has to understand my commitment level to my work and not try to compete with that or feel slighted. It's nothing personal, it's just what I do. I'm doing ten interviews a day, running a business. I'm building a legacy.
"This was God's way of reminding me of how I laughed at doubters and kept going. He was reminding me of the perseverance I always had as a child, how I always went against the grain, and the fighter I always was. Who I am. He was reminding me of who I really am."
What do you know now about yourself that you didn’t know before?
There's this scene in Lion King where Mufasa says, "Remember who you are." And I think that, sometimes it's not that we change--it's that we forget who we are and why we started. And being on a public platform, having a public image and a lot of influence can definitely affect how you think of yourself. It might heighten your self-image, then you create an identity around how people see you. But I'm really glad that a lot of things were, for lack of a better phrase, taken away because at first it felt like, "Oh my God, oh my God." But then I realized, this was God's way of reminding me of how I laughed at doubters and kept going. He was reminding me of the perseverance I always had as a child, how I always went against the grain, and the fighter I always was. Who I am. He was reminding me of who I really am.
Featured image by Jennifer Johnson/Elle Varner
Ellevation is available to download and stream now on all platforms. And be sure to keep up with Elle by following her on Instagram.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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