In xoNecole's Our First Year series, we take an in-depth look at love and relationships between couples with an emphasis on what their first year of marriage was like.
I hate to break it to you, sis, but whoever told you finding love would make you happy was not keeping it 100 with you. While we can rely on our partners for emotional and spiritual support, finding your happy place is something you have to do for yourself, playa and after their first two years of marriage, Cory and Leah Dixon have learned that this statement is big facts.
In 2016, Cory Dixon slid into his now-wife, Leah's DMs for a zucchini noodle recipe, and shortly after their first phone call, the love connection was secured. Later, the couple would meet one another at the altar and make a lifelong commitment to do life together. Today, Cory and Leah are more in love than ever before and all I have to say is, Lord, I've seen what you've done for others and my DMs are too, ready to receive a blessing.
The couple recently sat down with xoNecole and shared the secret to surviving their first year of marriage and according to them, it starts with not expecting your partner to fill your empty cup. Leah told xoNecole, "I struggled with anxiety and depression at the beginning of our marriage. It was a major challenge for us. Towards the end of our first year of marriage, I started going to a Christian counselor and it helped me so much! I didn't know how much the trauma of my past had impacted me."
"Focusing on healing myself helped take some of the pressure off of the marriage. I learned that my day-to-day happiness is my responsibility," Leah continued. "I have to invest time into myself so I can bring the best version of me to the marriage. It is not fair to expect somebody else to fill up my empty cup. I re-learned what my interests are, and decided to make an effort to feed my interests."
We sat down with Leah and Cory to talk more about adjusting to life after a long-distance relationship, how to cope when you and your partner speak different love languages, and staying celibate before marriage.
Scroll below to read more!
How They Met
Leah: We met through Instagram! It's crazy because I definitely made up in my mind that I would most likely meet my husband at the grocery store, but God had other plans (laughs). It was in 2016, and I was really focused on eating clean and not "letting myself go" after college. I made zucchini noodles and posted a picture of it on my Instagram page. Cory commented something along the lines of, "I've been meaning to try zoodles" and I replied, "You definitely should!". He DMed me not too long afterward and I recommended where he could get the pasta sauce I used. A few days later he sent me a picture of the zucchini noodles he made and I thought it was cute. He was friendly, and not creepy. Because who wants to talk to a creep on Instagram? (Laughs)
When I looked at his page, I assumed he would not be cute because he basically only posted quotes and scriptures so I figured he would be hard on the eyes (laughs). When I scrolled down his page, I saw he was really handsome! He also mentioned in his bio that he attended Morehouse College and my sister is a Spelman alumna so I asked if she knew who he was. She said he was a really nice guy! It's crazy because I really did not want to meet a guy from Instagram but Cory was just different than anybody else I had met before. We began talking in June and met in person in August. I went to visit him in Alabama for a weekend. I stayed in a hotel, near where he lived, and we went out for dinner and just spent time together. He asked me to be his girlfriend that weekend and obviously I said yes!
Cory: Leah and I met via Instagram. I am unsure of how Leah's profile came across my platform, however, it did and we began following each other. I liked her posts before I ever "liked" her posts. She carried herself with modesty and confidence. That was attractive to me and I thought she was beautiful. One day, after she posted about trying zucchini noodles, I commented that I would be interested to know how her meal turned out. I was on a health kick at the time and was genuinely interested. She replied to my comment and encouraged me to try the recipe myself. A few weeks later I did that and tried the dish. I took that opportunity to hit a right-foot-up, left-foot slide into her DMs. This was purely to tell her I tried the recipe and thank her for the plug. However, that message then turned into a series of conversations that eventually turned into a marriage.
Leah: I knew Cory was the one during our first phone call. It's kind of hard to explain, but I just knew. His voice was very calming to me and it seemed as if I had known him forever. We were compatible in so many ways. I am pretty high-strung, and Cory's presence and demeanor bring about peace. We definitely balance each other out. I knew I wanted to get married, but I wasn't necessarily in a rush to be married. I wanted to be in a relationship that would ultimately lead to marriage though. Since Cory and I share the same values and Christian outlook, we definitely wanted the relationship to progress towards marriage.
Cory: I am not sure if I experienced a moment where I inadvertently "knew" Leah was the one. I believe at some point, a man decides that a woman he is interested in is the one. I made that decision during our first phone call. I don't know if Leah used magic on me or something but I decided to love her that day. She was captivating in every sense; smart, funny, faith-filled, beautiful, mature…the full package of what I wanted. With that in mind, I approached our courtship as if marriage was going to be the next natural step. At that time, I spurned the idea of being in a 'situationship' that had no goal or purpose. Leah and I made it clear that we were going to be intentional with every step of our budding relationship.
"I believe at some point, a man decides that a woman he is interested in is the one. I made that decision during our first phone call. I don't know if Leah used magic on me or something but I decided to love her that day. She was captivating in every sense; smart, funny, faith-filled, beautiful, mature…the full package of what I wanted. With that in mind, I approached our courtship as if marriage was going to be the next natural step."
Leah: Initially, I would not say I had any fears because I was not 100% tuned-in to my subconscious thoughts and beliefs about marriage. Since being married and being in counseling, I can think back to that time and know that my biggest fear was being cheated on and facing infidelity. Although Cory showed me no signs of being unfaithful, that fear was dormant in me due to my childhood pain. Since being in counseling post-marriage, I've chosen to let go of my past beliefs. I cannot project the pain I felt onto Cory for things he has not done to me. Doing so has helped me be more confident in my marriage and my husband. I have learned that my life should be governed by faith, not fear. It is easier said than done sometimes, but it is definitely worth working towards. Nobody should have to live by false belief systems.
Cory: I think my biggest fear walking into marriage was to losing it. I hold marriage in high regard and take it seriously. To me, marriage is a life-covenant. I respect and love marriage and my wife. So, the spiritual and emotional repercussions in addition to the natural logistics of losing a marriage to either tragedy or divorce were my biggest concerns coming into marriage.
Leah: It definitely has taken time to learn to speak Cory's love language. He craves acts of service and I thrive off of affirmation. I can't affirm him and expect that to fill up his love cup. I have to love him in the way he needs to be loved. It takes effort because it is not the way I like to be loved, but it is important that I give him what he needs.
Cory: I would say this is difficult because Leah has 48 love languages that all operate simultaneously. It's like having quintuplets and they all are crying for food but you only have two bottles and one arm. But on a more serious note, Leah mainly receives love through words of affirmation. For me, this was a challenge because conveying emotions through words was a natural weakness of mine. I am still learning and growing in that area but progress has been made.
"He craves acts of service and I thrive off of affirmation. I can't affirm him and expect that to fill up his love cup. I have to love him in the way he needs to be loved. It takes effort because it is not the way I like to be loved, but it is important that I give him what he needs."
Leah: True love takes time. It takes patience. True love is forgiving and resilient. I have learned that I will be disappointed by my husband at times, and I will be challenged to forgive. I've learned that I am capable of loving him and growing with him. I have to continually seek growth and vulnerability. I have learned that no love story is perfect and hardships will come, but God is greater than any adversity and He has the final say. Any obstacle can be overcome through faith and reliance on God.
Cory: The most important lesson that I learned through loving Leah is that love truly is a verb. Love is an action and a choice. Daily, I have to choose to love Leah. And to love someone, to truly love someone, you have to die to yourself daily as well. I don't want that to sound like love is one-sided because it isn't. However, the secret ingredient of love is sacrifice. And if you are not sacrificing in some way, I wouldn't consider it true love.
Leah: One of our initial challenges was determining the roles we would play within the household. It wasn't a huge challenge, but we could have benefited from discussing these things earlier. At the beginning of our marriage, we both lived in Alabama and I was working full-time while he was a Ph.D. student full-time. I did not have the energy to clean and cook, so that put a strain on the relationship. Dishes could easily pile up (as well as laundry) and I was not used to having so much responsibility. We ate a lot of fast food, which led to weight gain and general unhappiness. If I had a plan and structure going into marriage, I probably would have been more successful with my time management.
We also had difficulty communicating during conflict. Something we struggled with is fighting fair. In my life previous to marriage, if somebody made me upset I would just cut them off or distance myself from them. I was not accustomed to working through issues healthily. That was probably the biggest challenge for us. We had difficulty getting on one accord. I wish we would have done premarital counseling because I believe a lot of our challenges could have been lessened. That is my advice to anybody who is engaged or looking to get married at some point… do pre-marital counseling! Individual counseling is great too because you can start working through your challenges before they surface in marriage.
Cory: Starting long-distance created a culture in which any time we got to see each other (about once a month) it was like a mini-vacation or an extended date night. So once we got to be in one space together long-term, we struggled to find a lifestyle that was balanced and productive. We were so excited to be together that we "lived it up" with dietary, financial, and productivity habits that weren't conducive to the lifestyle we desired. Ultimately, that caused friction between us and strained our communication and general satisfaction with life in general. For example, Leah eats small frequent meals. I like one or two bigger meals a day. We ended up eating big frequent meals more often. Let's just say our scale started to lose count.
Leah: Cory and I had many challenges and hardships in the beginning. We faced financial difficulties, job loss, and relational difficulties. We overcame them by learning to truly rely on one another. I personally have learned that there can be no intimacy and true love without vulnerability. Before I was with Cory, I really had to take care of my own needs and get things done by myself, so when we got married I had to learn to share my vulnerabilities with him.
Cory: I needed to learn how to deal with stress. Stress is a word I never really was able to use to articulate how I felt. However, my built-up stress manifested itself in other ways such as frustration or a general sense of discontent. So now, I found that just expressing my emotions can help relieve my stress. Once I do, Leah and I can work together to figure out how it can be relieved. Being open and honest with my emotions has helped me feel more fulfilled and stable. In turn, I am better equipped to support Leah though her emotional struggles. There is more empathy and understanding there.
The Best Part
Leah: My favorite part about being married is knowing I have a partner I can do life with and grow old with. When I look into my future, he is there. It's comforting to know we will go through life together and experience many firsts with each other.
Cory: I enjoy the oneness of marriage. Becoming one with someone is a fascinating experience. Spiritually speaking, we get the opportunity and privilege of being a natural representation of God's love for His people. From a more natural perspective, going "all-in" with someone gives you a chance to learn about yourself on a level that I don't believe happens outside of marriage. Two people go from complete strangers to the deepest form of a love affair that two humans can experience. 100% vulnerability and connectedness. I get to do that with Leah. That's my favorite part of marriage.
"From a more natural perspective, going 'all-in' with someone gives you a chance to learn about yourself on a level that I don't believe happens outside of marriage. Two people go from complete strangers to the deepest form of a love affair that two humans can experience. 100% vulnerability and connectedness. I get to do that with Leah."
Leah: The best advice I received in the first year of marriage is to pick your battles wisely. It is not feasible to argue about every little thing, and frankly, it is a waste of time! it's important to let things go and to do so quickly. Harboring and dwelling yield no positive results.
Cory:*Insert WHOLE Bible here* Aside from pure Biblical truth, "Women are thermometers, they read the temperature of the home. As a man, you are to be the thermostat. You set the temperature." - Dr. Jared Russell
For me, that piece of advice has never left my mind. It alludes to how a man should be cool, calm, and collected in tough times but also have the ability to be warm to his wife. It demands that I take accountability for the "temperature" of my home. If my wife is "trippin", it can most likely be traced to a temperature I set at some point. It's the same for her pleasantness. This isn't scripture and I am sure that individuals that are way smarter than I [am] can poke 1,000 holes in that metaphor, however, it has helped me a lot.
Leah: To be honest, I think this is something we are still figuring out. Cory and I both want to lead others to Christ and encourage people to seek Him. Our faith has always rooted us. I believe my spiritual gift is encouragement. I share my experiences and perspective through my social media to encourage others. I know God has so much more in store for us though. I am excited to grow in our purpose together.
Cory: We are still allowing our specific purpose as a couple to materialize. Today, we strive to be in the best physical, financial, and spiritual shape of our lives so that we can exemplify God's love through our marriage. We always seek to be a light and to allow ourselves to be used for whatever God's ultimate purpose for us is. Our individual goals always help us as a whole. Like I mentioned before, we are one flesh. If it benefits apart, it benefits the whole.
Featured image by Instagram/@leahessence.
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
There’s nothing quite as humbling as navigating adulthood with no instruction manual. Since the turn of the decade, it seems like everything in our society that could go wrong has, inevitably, gone wrong. From the global pandemic, our crippling student debt problem, the loneliness crisis, layoffs, global warming, recession, and not to mention figuring out what to eat for dinner every night. This constant state of uncertainty has many of us wondering, when are the grown-ups coming to fix all of this?
But the catch is, we are the new grown-ups.
As if it happened without our permission, we became the new adults. We are the members of society who are paying taxes, having children, getting married, and keeping our communities afloat, one iced latte at a time. Still, there’s something about doing all these grown-up duties that feel unnaturally grown-up. Enter the #teenagegirlinher20s.
If there’s one hashtag to give you the state of the next cohort of adults, it’s this one. Of the videos that have garnered over 3.9M views, you’ll find a collection of users who are overwhelmed by life’s pressing existential responsibilities, clung to nostalgia, and reminiscent of the days when their mom and dad took care of their insurance plans.
no like i cant explain to her why i had to buy multiple tank air dupes from aritzia #teenagegirlinher20s #fyp
The concept of being a 20-something or 30-something teenager is linked to the sentiment of not feeling “grown up enough” to do grown-up things while feeling underprepared and even nihilistic about whether that preparation even matters.
It’s our generation’s version of when we ask our grandmothers how old they are and they simply reply with, “I still feel 45,” all while being every bit of 76 years old. In this, we share a warped concept of time while clinging to a desire for infantilization.
Granted, the pandemic did a number on our concept of time. Many of us who started the pandemic in our early or mid-20s missed out on three fundamental years of socialization, career development, and personal milestones that traditionally help to mark our growth.
Our time to figure out and plan our next steps through fumbling yet active participation was put on pause indefinitely and then resumed provisionally. This in turn has left many of us hanging in the balance of uncertainty as we try to make sense of the disconnect between our minds and bodies in this missing gap of time.
Because we’re all still figuring out what the ramifications of being locked away and frozen in time by a global pandemic will have on us as a society, there really is no “right” way of making up for lost time. Feeling unprepared for any new chapter of life is a natural rite of passage, pandemic or not. However, it’s important to not stay stuck in the last age or period of life that made sense to us because self-growth is the truest evidence of personal progress.
So whether you’re leaning on your inner child, teenager, or 20-something for guidance as you fill the gap between your real age and pandemic age, know that it’s okay to grieve the person you thought you would be and the milestones you thought you’d hit before you ever knew what a pandemic was. If there’s anything that the pandemic taught us, it’s that we have the power to reimagine a better world and life for ourselves. And if we tap into our inner teenager as a compass, we can piece together our next chapter with a fresh outlook.
Sure, we’ve lost a couple of years, but there are still some really amazing ones ahead.
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Featured image by Stephen Zeigler/Getty Images