This Couple Says That True Love Means Not Expecting Your Partner To Fill Your Empty Cup
In xoNecole's Our First Year series, we take an in-depth look at love and relationships between couples with an emphasis on what their first year of marriage was like.
I hate to break it to you, sis, but whoever told you finding love would make you happy was not keeping it 100 with you. While we can rely on our partners for emotional and spiritual support, finding your happy place is something you have to do for yourself, playa and after their first two years of marriage, Cory and Leah Dixon have learned that this statement is big facts.
In 2016, Cory Dixon slid into his now-wife, Leah's DMs for a zucchini noodle recipe, and shortly after their first phone call, the love connection was secured. Later, the couple would meet one another at the altar and make a lifelong commitment to do life together. Today, Cory and Leah are more in love than ever before and all I have to say is, Lord, I've seen what you've done for others and my DMs are too, ready to receive a blessing.
The couple recently sat down with xoNecole and shared the secret to surviving their first year of marriage and according to them, it starts with not expecting your partner to fill your empty cup. Leah told xoNecole, "I struggled with anxiety and depression at the beginning of our marriage. It was a major challenge for us. Towards the end of our first year of marriage, I started going to a Christian counselor and it helped me so much! I didn't know how much the trauma of my past had impacted me."
"Focusing on healing myself helped take some of the pressure off of the marriage. I learned that my day-to-day happiness is my responsibility," Leah continued. "I have to invest time into myself so I can bring the best version of me to the marriage. It is not fair to expect somebody else to fill up my empty cup. I re-learned what my interests are, and decided to make an effort to feed my interests."
We sat down with Leah and Cory to talk more about adjusting to life after a long-distance relationship, how to cope when you and your partner speak different love languages, and staying celibate before marriage.
Scroll below to read more!
How They Met
Leah: We met through Instagram! It's crazy because I definitely made up in my mind that I would most likely meet my husband at the grocery store, but God had other plans (laughs). It was in 2016, and I was really focused on eating clean and not "letting myself go" after college. I made zucchini noodles and posted a picture of it on my Instagram page. Cory commented something along the lines of, "I've been meaning to try zoodles" and I replied, "You definitely should!". He DMed me not too long afterward and I recommended where he could get the pasta sauce I used. A few days later he sent me a picture of the zucchini noodles he made and I thought it was cute. He was friendly, and not creepy. Because who wants to talk to a creep on Instagram? (Laughs)
When I looked at his page, I assumed he would not be cute because he basically only posted quotes and scriptures so I figured he would be hard on the eyes (laughs). When I scrolled down his page, I saw he was really handsome! He also mentioned in his bio that he attended Morehouse College and my sister is a Spelman alumna so I asked if she knew who he was. She said he was a really nice guy! It's crazy because I really did not want to meet a guy from Instagram but Cory was just different than anybody else I had met before. We began talking in June and met in person in August. I went to visit him in Alabama for a weekend. I stayed in a hotel, near where he lived, and we went out for dinner and just spent time together. He asked me to be his girlfriend that weekend and obviously I said yes!
Cory: Leah and I met via Instagram. I am unsure of how Leah's profile came across my platform, however, it did and we began following each other. I liked her posts before I ever "liked" her posts. She carried herself with modesty and confidence. That was attractive to me and I thought she was beautiful. One day, after she posted about trying zucchini noodles, I commented that I would be interested to know how her meal turned out. I was on a health kick at the time and was genuinely interested. She replied to my comment and encouraged me to try the recipe myself. A few weeks later I did that and tried the dish. I took that opportunity to hit a right-foot-up, left-foot slide into her DMs. This was purely to tell her I tried the recipe and thank her for the plug. However, that message then turned into a series of conversations that eventually turned into a marriage.
The One
Leah: I knew Cory was the one during our first phone call. It's kind of hard to explain, but I just knew. His voice was very calming to me and it seemed as if I had known him forever. We were compatible in so many ways. I am pretty high-strung, and Cory's presence and demeanor bring about peace. We definitely balance each other out. I knew I wanted to get married, but I wasn't necessarily in a rush to be married. I wanted to be in a relationship that would ultimately lead to marriage though. Since Cory and I share the same values and Christian outlook, we definitely wanted the relationship to progress towards marriage.
Cory: I am not sure if I experienced a moment where I inadvertently "knew" Leah was the one. I believe at some point, a man decides that a woman he is interested in is the one. I made that decision during our first phone call. I don't know if Leah used magic on me or something but I decided to love her that day. She was captivating in every sense; smart, funny, faith-filled, beautiful, mature…the full package of what I wanted. With that in mind, I approached our courtship as if marriage was going to be the next natural step. At that time, I spurned the idea of being in a 'situationship' that had no goal or purpose. Leah and I made it clear that we were going to be intentional with every step of our budding relationship.
"I believe at some point, a man decides that a woman he is interested in is the one. I made that decision during our first phone call. I don't know if Leah used magic on me or something but I decided to love her that day. She was captivating in every sense; smart, funny, faith-filled, beautiful, mature…the full package of what I wanted. With that in mind, I approached our courtship as if marriage was going to be the next natural step."
Deepest Fears
Leah: Initially, I would not say I had any fears because I was not 100% tuned-in to my subconscious thoughts and beliefs about marriage. Since being married and being in counseling, I can think back to that time and know that my biggest fear was being cheated on and facing infidelity. Although Cory showed me no signs of being unfaithful, that fear was dormant in me due to my childhood pain. Since being in counseling post-marriage, I've chosen to let go of my past beliefs. I cannot project the pain I felt onto Cory for things he has not done to me. Doing so has helped me be more confident in my marriage and my husband. I have learned that my life should be governed by faith, not fear. It is easier said than done sometimes, but it is definitely worth working towards. Nobody should have to live by false belief systems.
Cory: I think my biggest fear walking into marriage was to losing it. I hold marriage in high regard and take it seriously. To me, marriage is a life-covenant. I respect and love marriage and my wife. So, the spiritual and emotional repercussions in addition to the natural logistics of losing a marriage to either tragedy or divorce were my biggest concerns coming into marriage.
Love Languages
Leah: It definitely has taken time to learn to speak Cory's love language. He craves acts of service and I thrive off of affirmation. I can't affirm him and expect that to fill up his love cup. I have to love him in the way he needs to be loved. It takes effort because it is not the way I like to be loved, but it is important that I give him what he needs.
Cory: I would say this is difficult because Leah has 48 love languages that all operate simultaneously. It's like having quintuplets and they all are crying for food but you only have two bottles and one arm. But on a more serious note, Leah mainly receives love through words of affirmation. For me, this was a challenge because conveying emotions through words was a natural weakness of mine. I am still learning and growing in that area but progress has been made.
"He craves acts of service and I thrive off of affirmation. I can't affirm him and expect that to fill up his love cup. I have to love him in the way he needs to be loved. It takes effort because it is not the way I like to be loved, but it is important that I give him what he needs."
Love Lessons
Leah: True love takes time. It takes patience. True love is forgiving and resilient. I have learned that I will be disappointed by my husband at times, and I will be challenged to forgive. I've learned that I am capable of loving him and growing with him. I have to continually seek growth and vulnerability. I have learned that no love story is perfect and hardships will come, but God is greater than any adversity and He has the final say. Any obstacle can be overcome through faith and reliance on God.
Cory: The most important lesson that I learned through loving Leah is that love truly is a verb. Love is an action and a choice. Daily, I have to choose to love Leah. And to love someone, to truly love someone, you have to die to yourself daily as well. I don't want that to sound like love is one-sided because it isn't. However, the secret ingredient of love is sacrifice. And if you are not sacrificing in some way, I wouldn't consider it true love.
Overcoming Challenges
Leah: One of our initial challenges was determining the roles we would play within the household. It wasn't a huge challenge, but we could have benefited from discussing these things earlier. At the beginning of our marriage, we both lived in Alabama and I was working full-time while he was a Ph.D. student full-time. I did not have the energy to clean and cook, so that put a strain on the relationship. Dishes could easily pile up (as well as laundry) and I was not used to having so much responsibility. We ate a lot of fast food, which led to weight gain and general unhappiness. If I had a plan and structure going into marriage, I probably would have been more successful with my time management.
We also had difficulty communicating during conflict. Something we struggled with is fighting fair. In my life previous to marriage, if somebody made me upset I would just cut them off or distance myself from them. I was not accustomed to working through issues healthily. That was probably the biggest challenge for us. We had difficulty getting on one accord. I wish we would have done premarital counseling because I believe a lot of our challenges could have been lessened. That is my advice to anybody who is engaged or looking to get married at some point… do pre-marital counseling! Individual counseling is great too because you can start working through your challenges before they surface in marriage.
Cory: Starting long-distance created a culture in which any time we got to see each other (about once a month) it was like a mini-vacation or an extended date night. So once we got to be in one space together long-term, we struggled to find a lifestyle that was balanced and productive. We were so excited to be together that we "lived it up" with dietary, financial, and productivity habits that weren't conducive to the lifestyle we desired. Ultimately, that caused friction between us and strained our communication and general satisfaction with life in general. For example, Leah eats small frequent meals. I like one or two bigger meals a day. We ended up eating big frequent meals more often. Let's just say our scale started to lose count.
Baggage Claim
Leah: Cory and I had many challenges and hardships in the beginning. We faced financial difficulties, job loss, and relational difficulties. We overcame them by learning to truly rely on one another. I personally have learned that there can be no intimacy and true love without vulnerability. Before I was with Cory, I really had to take care of my own needs and get things done by myself, so when we got married I had to learn to share my vulnerabilities with him.
Cory: I needed to learn how to deal with stress. Stress is a word I never really was able to use to articulate how I felt. However, my built-up stress manifested itself in other ways such as frustration or a general sense of discontent. So now, I found that just expressing my emotions can help relieve my stress. Once I do, Leah and I can work together to figure out how it can be relieved. Being open and honest with my emotions has helped me feel more fulfilled and stable. In turn, I am better equipped to support Leah though her emotional struggles. There is more empathy and understanding there.
The Best Part
Leah: My favorite part about being married is knowing I have a partner I can do life with and grow old with. When I look into my future, he is there. It's comforting to know we will go through life together and experience many firsts with each other.
Cory: I enjoy the oneness of marriage. Becoming one with someone is a fascinating experience. Spiritually speaking, we get the opportunity and privilege of being a natural representation of God's love for His people. From a more natural perspective, going "all-in" with someone gives you a chance to learn about yourself on a level that I don't believe happens outside of marriage. Two people go from complete strangers to the deepest form of a love affair that two humans can experience. 100% vulnerability and connectedness. I get to do that with Leah. That's my favorite part of marriage.
"From a more natural perspective, going 'all-in' with someone gives you a chance to learn about yourself on a level that I don't believe happens outside of marriage. Two people go from complete strangers to the deepest form of a love affair that two humans can experience. 100% vulnerability and connectedness. I get to do that with Leah."
Best Advice
Leah: The best advice I received in the first year of marriage is to pick your battles wisely. It is not feasible to argue about every little thing, and frankly, it is a waste of time! it's important to let things go and to do so quickly. Harboring and dwelling yield no positive results.
Cory:*Insert WHOLE Bible here* Aside from pure Biblical truth, "Women are thermometers, they read the temperature of the home. As a man, you are to be the thermostat. You set the temperature." - Dr. Jared Russell
For me, that piece of advice has never left my mind. It alludes to how a man should be cool, calm, and collected in tough times but also have the ability to be warm to his wife. It demands that I take accountability for the "temperature" of my home. If my wife is "trippin", it can most likely be traced to a temperature I set at some point. It's the same for her pleasantness. This isn't scripture and I am sure that individuals that are way smarter than I [am] can poke 1,000 holes in that metaphor, however, it has helped me a lot.
Building Together
Leah: To be honest, I think this is something we are still figuring out. Cory and I both want to lead others to Christ and encourage people to seek Him. Our faith has always rooted us. I believe my spiritual gift is encouragement. I share my experiences and perspective through my social media to encourage others. I know God has so much more in store for us though. I am excited to grow in our purpose together.
Cory: We are still allowing our specific purpose as a couple to materialize. Today, we strive to be in the best physical, financial, and spiritual shape of our lives so that we can exemplify God's love through our marriage. We always seek to be a light and to allow ourselves to be used for whatever God's ultimate purpose for us is. Our individual goals always help us as a whole. Like I mentioned before, we are one flesh. If it benefits apart, it benefits the whole.
For more Cory and Leah, follow them on Instagram!
Featured image by Instagram/@leahessence.
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
'Bel-Air' Actress Jazlyn Martin On Her Ongoing Identity Crisis And Its Influence On Her Creative Journey
Jazlyn Martin is a triple-threat performer known most for her role as Jackie on Peacock’sBel-Air. Her character’s fiery personality and questionable decisions have led to a few shocking moments in the series and quite a bit of convo on social media.
Now, I’ll be honest: as an avid TV-lover, I was well-prepared to hop on Zoom and jump into all the chatter around Bel-Air and her characters’ decisions. But after listening to her new EP Identity Crisis, I knew there was a lot more to talk about as well. During this exclusive conversation with xoNecole, Jazlyn Martin delved into the challenging journey she’s faced surrounding her identity, newfound fame, and family influence, and how it all plays a part in her art. Check it out!
xoNecole: So I know that your father is in the entertainment world, but when did you realize you shared the same passion?
Jazlyn Martin: I think it was very early on. I was a child who was full of attitude and fearlessness that would go after anything I wanted. I believe seeing my dad pursue music made me realize it was possible. I just had this hunger and fire, and my parents consciously fed and nurtured that - they are always all super supportive of whatever I do. So very, very early on, I was like, I'm meant to do this. And I just was like, I'm a star, and I know I'm a star.
xoN: Actually, let's talk about your family. What are some of your most important values, and how have your family and heritage played a part in shaping those values?
Jazlyn: I mean, my mom is like an angel; she's so graceful and kind, and I've had to work hard to get there. When I was young, I was very abrasive, headstrong, and stubborn. Whereas my mom gives an immense amount of grace in the way she carries herself. I had to learn that.
I think being strong is something I’ve always had. My parents always joke that they don't know where my personality came from. Because my dad is shy and timid and my mom is kind, and I'm a fireball. But my Dad always asked the important industry questions like, “Why do you want to do this?” And that instilled some purpose into me. It really carried me to keep going because it's so easy to be discouraged in this field, but that drive has helped me push through all of the challenges.
xoN: I bet. I have such a respect for actors and the way you all navigate the industry. Speaking of, let’s dig into “Bel-Air.” Were you a fan of the show? Did you have to go back and watch the episodes?
Jazlyn: So I actually did watch the show which is crazy because sometimes I don’t. I saw it was a reboot and was like, ‘Oh no, not another one.’ But I watched the first three episodes, realized how good it was, and ended up watching the whole season. I became a fan, and then a few months later, I booked the role!
I think the imagination is such a beautiful and powerful tool, and I feel like if you create something in your mind, it happens. It's a crazy thing, but I really just created Jackie's world - the house she grew up in, her parents leaving her, and everything. I created why she fell in love with dance. I really came at it from a human approach. If I see it, then the audience can see it.
xoN: Yeah, background plays into so much of how we deal with things, how we interact with people, and everything. And I feel like Jackie gets a lot of backlash. Like, we’ve all had a “Jackie Moment” to be real.
Jazlyn: She gets so much backlash! I just encourage people to give her grace and see the God in her because I do think she tells a lot of Black and brown girls' stories. People project on her, saying she’s too ratchet or hood, and I’m like does that mean she’s not loveable?
We have to be careful of what’s said and put out because Jackie has gone through things that I've never had to go through. The fact that she's alive and still highly functioning is a blessing. So what if she gets a little messy? I love her. Because she’s helped me extend empathy to people I don't necessarily want to or don't think deserve to have it. But she's 17, she's figuring it out, and she doesn't have parents. Like, that's such a huge factor.
"We have to be careful of what’s said and put out because Jackie has gone through things that I've never had to go through. The fact that she's alive and still highly functioning is a blessing. So what if she gets a little messy? I love her."
xoN: You mentioned how your character is viewed, which digs a bit into identity. So I want to talk a little bit about some of the emotional songs on your EP “Identity Crisis.” What inspired the track “Perfect?”
Jazlyn: When I was creating “Perfect,” I already had the EP title. So I kind of mapped out, like, the different conflicts I had in my head and categorized them into seven songs, and so one of my identity crises was being perfect. Because I feel like a lot of men tend to put women on pedestals. They're expected to be perfect - especially when you’re in the limelight. You know, you can't slip up. You can't say the wrong thing. Cancel culture is such a huge thing. And I just wanted to encourage people to give people grace to be themselves because that's not an easy thing to do.
I just wanted to take down this facade that I’m perfect because I never pretended to be. I never wanted to be. I think that's something people have placed on me, that I have it all figured out, I think I just carry it well, but that doesn't mean it's not heavy. I just wanted to be very vulnerable and honest. I think people think “perfect” is a compliment, but I think it's a cage because it doesn't allow room for error. It doesn't allow for you to be human and mess up and fail and take risks. So I just wanted to encourage grace.
xoN: Do you ever feel like you went through an identity crisis?
Jazlyn: I go through one constantly. Growing up, I didn't really have one. But I think as you get older and more aware and cognitive, you know how the world goes, and the world starts telling you who you are, instead of you deciding who you are. And I feel like being mixed played a big role in that, not feeling Black or Mexican enough. I wanted to belong to both worlds but didn’t so I was just “other.” That was an identity crisis in itself.
Also, being introduced to a level of fame has been interesting, too. I think we all go through identity crises all the time because we’re evolving and changing. It’s beautiful, but it’s also scary; you see yourself this one way, and then something happens, and there’s a shift. So yeah, I think it’s something we all go through but no one talks about.
"I think as you get older and more aware and cognitive, you know how the world goes, and the world starts telling you who you are, instead of you deciding who you are. And I feel like being mixed played a big role in that, not feeling Black or Mexican enough. I wanted to belong to both worlds but didn’t so I was just 'other.'"
xoN: I love that. And I know Hispanic Heritage Month is coming up, and you'll be speaking at the New York Latino Film Festival. Talk to me about what that moment means to you and what you hope to bring to the event. *Editor’s note: The interview was conducted before Hispanic Heritage Month began.
Jazlyn: I’m bringing some Afro-Latino-ness! I always grew up seeing Latinos being represented in a very specific way—very Spanish, not very Indigenous looking. So I'm really excited to bring the Black experience, with the Latino experience, to the stage because that's something a lot of people don't know exists.
People are always like, “Are you Black or Latina?” Well, I'm both! We were just dropped off in different parts. I’m excited to speak on that and highlight how prevalent anti-Blackness is within Latino communities. A lot of Afro-Latinos have faced an identity crisis because of it, including myself. It sometimes feels like you’re supposed to hate the other half of who you are.
For me, I held onto that little Black girl inside. I refused to let her go. And that’s what I want to represent when I speak—resilience and acceptance of our full selves. I’m also looking forward to meeting fellow Latino people, especially Afro-Latinos, and sharing our stories. It’s not a narrative that gets much attention, and I’m excited to represent.
xoN: I’m excited for you! Finally, with all the praise and recognition you’re receiving now, what has it been like to transition from working in music, dance, and acting to now being in the spotlight? How have you embraced this new level of fame?
Jazlyn: Um, it's overwhelming. I think that's the best word. Sometimes, I'm joyful, because I'm giving back to the community. People resonate with Jackie's stories and see themselves in her, which I think is the biggest compliment to me. But then sometimes, you know, I feel sad because I'm like, ‘Damn, I'm not doing enough,’ like I should be doing more. It's crazy, the industry is so fast-paced that you don't really try to celebrate wins. It's just a transition, an identity crisis of the like.
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Debbie Allen And Norm Nixon Have Been Married For 40 Years. She Credits These 3 Things.
A hill that I will forever and a day die on is, (sometimes) questionable press aside, if you want some pretty good marriage counseling that is absolutely free, walk up into a Cracker Barrel before noon. I can’t tell you how many one-liners that have stayed with me after having impromptu conversations with the married senior couples who are up in there — and yes, they have been of all ethnicities.
In the meantime, if you’re curious about if there are any celebrities in cyberspace who have some gems to share, there are actually a few.
For instance, take Denzel and Pauletta Washington who’ve been married 41 years this past June. Denzel has been very candid about how he’s found “his very good thing” (including the fact that she paid the cab fare for their first date for all of you coffee date haters) and Pauletta has made it very clear that marriage requires a lot of work; that there is no “secret formula.”
Then there’s Samuel L. Jackson and his wife of 45 years next August, LaTanya. Just recently, he made headlines for saying, “I’ve done s--- in my marriage that’s crazy, you know? She has, too, in her head, or whatever in reality, but you got to go, 'Is that a breakup offense?' Or is it just that we need to spend a little time together and get some understanding about it?"
And then there’s choreographer, director, producer, actor — so many other “ers” and “ors” supreme, Debbie Allen. She and her former NBA player husband, Norm Nixon, celebrated 40 years of marriage this past spring. There are a few pearls of wisdom that she shared in a PEOPLE article that I want to tell you about; then, I’d like to add a couple of tips of my own.
Hopefully, by the time this piece is done, all of the content will serve as confirmation that if you truly want a marriage that will really go the distance, it’s not always gonna be a rom-com (those are scripted films) or a fairy tale (those are unbelievable stories for children).
Y’all, a long-term marriage is definitely where the big kids play. It’s not for the faint of heart, the selfish of the soul, or the people who don’t say what they mean and mean what they say when they speak their wedding vows. Yeah, “til death do us part” requires sweat equity, for sure. When it comes to building something beautiful, it can be worth your while, though.
Three Things That Have Kept Debbie Allen’s Marriage Together
Okay, first, a big round of applause for the fact that Debbie will be 75 in January and Norm is 68 this month (yep, Debbie married a younger man. Somebody needed that pointed out as a confirmation for their own relationship…call it a feeling). Next, just look at how smooth they move and — shoot — how limber Norm is in this here IG post! Yeah, something tells me that they’ve got (eh hem) another thing that holds them together — yet I digress. LOL.
Anyway, when asked by PEOPLE what got her and Norm to the 40-year mark, this is what Debbie had to say:
“So wherever there have been differences and there have been. Honey, over 40 years, child, we've hit some rocks and hit some walls. But at the end of the day, we really love each other and we sleep together every night and we love our family.”
Did you catch that? No matter what valleys and challenges made their way into their relationship, 1) there is a genuine love that Debbie and Norm share; 2) they sleep together every night, and 3) there is a real love that they have for their family.
What I read between the lines is one, their love isn’t just a feeling; it is a commitment and honestly, that is not taught enough in these premarital sessions out here. Listen, if you are only going to get married based on how someone makes you feel, you really do need to remain single. FEELINGS ARE FICKLE.
Two, they share a marriage bed (Hebrews 13:4) — each and every night. There is no “go sleep on the couch” (I really don’t get how folks get put out of their own bed; imagine if your partner tried to do that to you). Now, peep that she didn’t say that they always go to bed happy or pleased with one another; she said that they make sure that, at the end of the day, they always share that sacred space.
And finally, there is a love that they have for family. Family is a unit. A part of what marriage is about is two people doing their absolute best to keep the family unit together. Yeah, I know that’s antiquated thinking for a lot of folks, yet that’s why many older couples make it past 40 years, and many younger ones can’t even seem to get to five. #justsaying
As I reflected on what Debbie said, it got me to thinking about conversations that I’ve had with married couples who have at least three decades of “I do” under their belts, along with some of the things that I’ve recommended to husbands and wives who desire to reach that goal.
If you’re curious about what some of those things are, I’ve included five of ‘em below.
1. Prepare for Seasons. Ahead of Time.
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Although it’s October, and I’m currently waiting for it to be “fall for real” in Music City (geeze), I’ve been getting clothing for the fall and winter seasons since my birthday (which is June). Why? Because the prices tend to be cheaper. The moral to the story here: don’t wait for the seasons to come before you get ready for them — that literally can cost you. Dearly.
This applies to the weather and the seasons of life too. Y’all, when it comes to marriage, specifically, I’ve been known to say that women deserve to have a big and lavish party called a wedding because, contrary to the popular assumption of far too many, you are a BRIDE for a day; then you are a WIFE for a lifetime. Scripture says that a wife is a helpmate (Genesis 2:18).
Even beyond that, the Hebrew word for helpmate is ezer kenegdo, which means lifesaver. If that doesn’t sound like something that requires a lot of energy and effort, I don’t know what does. And here’s the thing — if you go into your union aware of the fact that it’s not going to be a party all of the time, that you indeed will hit some, as Debbie put it, “rocks and walls,” you won’t be so shocked when they happen.
You will already have some tips, tools, and hacks in your arsenal to get through those seasons (check out “10 Hacks To Get Your Marriage Back On Track” and “The Greatest Hack To Get A Marriage Through The Tough Times”). Because, just like you can’t stop winter from coming, at the end of the day, all you can do is get ready; maturity teaches you the same thing about the “winter season” of marriage. Real talk.
2. Give the Mercy and Grace That You Want to Receive
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There’s a Scripture in the Bible that says, “mercies are new every morning” (Lamentations 3:22-23). Interestingly enough, what follows that line is, “great is your faithfulness.” Although this is actually talking about how God loves us, let’s not act like Scripture also doesn’t say that husbands should “love their wives like Christ loves the Church” (Ephesians 5:24). Yeah, from a spiritual angle, marriage is supposed to be a supernatural kind of love.
It’s not supposed to be easy, common or simple. Supernatural things never are. And I can only imagine how many marriages would last if Christians (who divorce more than any other faith in this country, by the way) decided to be merciful and faithful to their partners…on a daily basis.
Yet even beyond that particular religion, imagine what marriage would look like, period, if couples saw being merciful, all of the time, as being an act of faithfulness. And what does it mean to be a merciful person? Merciful people are compassionate; they try to do what they can to reduce the suffering of others. Merciful people are tender; they are sympathetic and gentle (in word, deed, and tone).
Merciful people are forgiving; this one right here? I am floored by how many people want to be forgiven for their mistakes and yet can’t seem to muster up some for others. Yeah, if you’re not a good forgiver, marriage is not for you. Merciful people are tolerant; if you don’t know how to be patient and endure some things, this is also a reason to not jump anybody’s broom.
Merciful people like to be generous and bless others — again, selfish people should never get married. All they care about is what they can get out of something or someone. And then there’s grace.
An uncomplicated way to define grace would be it’s about extending favor to another person — oftentimes when they don’t deserve it (that is key). Favor is about kindness and giving someone preferential treatment (your spouse definitely deserves that). Favor doesn’t keep record or score. It doesn’t go tit-for-tat. It doesn’t “match energy.”
Favor likes peace. Favor likes unity. Favor seeks solutions instead of problems. A lot of marriages struggle because while a certain level of love is present, there isn’t much mercy or grace to speak of.
3. Don’t Manipulate Intimacy
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Whether you’re married or not, you should never use sex (or any form of intimacy, really) to get what you want from another person — and yet, it happens all of the time.
Unfortunately, I can’t tell you how many wives I have had sessions with who will withhold sex in order to get an outfit that is out of the monthly budget or to deflect from being held accountable for something that they did wrong. Sex is not to be a manipulation tool — it’s not something that you are to use to control your partner.
Sex is a physical way to express love to and for your spouse, connect with them in a very deep and profound way, and spend a very special form of quality time together (check out “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important”). If you attempt to use sex for any other reason, all that really ends up doing is cause a breakdown of trust between you and your spouse, which can lead to resentment, emotional distance, and, before long, possible acts of infidelity.
And just how often should married couples have sex? Studies say that once a week (or four times a month) is a good indication of a healthy sex life between long-term couples. And before some of you hem and haw like that is too much — if you can prioritize 2.5 hours a day on social media, you can find an hour to be intimate with your partner once a week (check out “Married Couples, Here's How To Make (More) Time For Sex”). Yeah, let’s not play those games.
When you got married, you signed up to have a consistent sex life with your spouse (as much as is physically possible). If you didn’t want to treat sex like a marital responsibility…you already know what I am going to say, right? Sex isn’t a hobby in marriage; it is foundational for its longevity.
4. Treat Therapy Like Oil Changes
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There is nothing like a gaslighting person. Ugh. Right now, yep in real time, I’ve got a friend who recently went through a divorce and another who is going through one of the most challenging times in her marriage ever. The one who is divorced has an ex-husband who constantly tries to guilt trip her about “breaking up the family” when I can personally attest to the fact that his refusal to go through personal therapy and also marital counseling is what brought her to her breaking point.
Just one request and he refused (and still refuses). Then my other friend’s husband’s pride is completely off the charts. Somehow, he is constantly recommending therapy to others while believing that he is not a huge part of the problem in his own home (hypocrite much?).
It's another article for another time about how we need to remain as hypervigilant as possible about removing the stigma surrounding life coaching, counseling, and therapy (including sex therapy — check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). Even beyond that, when it comes to marriage specifically, we need to move past the position that the relationship needs to be two seconds away from divorce before seeking out a professional.
What I tend to advise to married folks is they should look at marriage counseling like a car that needs an oil change — like a car on the road, marriage is also its own kind of journey, and counseling can help spouses to “take each other’s temperature,” unpack any problems (or potential problems) and gain some insight that can help them to avoid certain “bumps in the road.”
That’s why, even once consistent sessions with my clients are complete, I will recommend that they at least check in with me a couple of times a year, preferably once a season. Why? Because, when they say that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, greater words have never been spoken when it comes to the importance and relevance of marriage counseling. Trust and believe, chile.
5. As You Change, Express It
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I can’t tell you how many times I have said that, as far as relationships are concerned, one of my favorite quotes is, “People change and forget to tell each other.” When it comes to Denzel and Pauletta, Samuel and LaTanya, Norm and Debbie, I think what makes me honor them most is the fact that…well, think of how many times you’ve gone through some transitions and evolutions, shoot, just in the past three years alone.
For two people to remain committed to one another as they are growing, oftentimes at different times in a myriad of different areas, that deserves its own level of props.
And that actually circles back to what I meant about not basing your marriage on mere feelings. While so many people say that they divorced because “they outgrew their spouse,” isn’t it interesting how some of their close friendships remained intact? That’s because we oftentimes have more patience, compromise, and flexibility for our friends — and oftentimes, that is because we actually value them more than our own partners…and that is because many of us weren’t taught to esteem marriage like we actually should.
Okay, but back to my main point on this one. It’s a given that you’re going to not be the exact same person that you were on your wedding day. Know who else isn’t going to be? Your spouse. True commitment says that we don’t leave because we change; we change, and then we express it to our partner so that we can find some common ground to continue on that path that we said we would walk on…together.
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Best-selling author Dr. Barbara DeAngelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun. It’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” As I close this out, look back at Debbie and Norm on that IG post. Take in the love, humor, and connection that is shared between them.
Rome wasn’t built in a day. A marriage of 40 years isn’t either.
Oh, but how beautiful the end result of both is to behold, right?
Salute.
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Featured image by Rich Fury/Getty Images for The Wallis Annenberg Center for the Performing Arts