As children, we are taught by way of the media to hate what's different. Somewhere along the line, from diapers to grade school, we become adapt to conformity, afraid of the unknown. As a woman who spent a good portion of her life attending predominantly white school, I specifically remember the moments of insecurity I experienced as a result of the kinks in my hair or the width of my nose. Even as an adult, I harbor insecurities about the lack of, or even exuberance of, my blackness.
Thankfully, a small yet ambitious army of women are determined to make melanin mainstream. As cultural standards shift in what it means to be beautiful, women of color have gained a platform to tell their stories on a worldwide level. One of the warriors in the army against insecurity is self-published author, Jennifer Vassel.
Creator of the self-love themed children's book I am Unique!, Jennifer spent the majority of her life with what she felt was a God-given flaw. Since grade school, she was insecure about her birthmark, which covers her shoulder and much of her back. Jennifer said, "I was 7 when I first realized I had a birthmark and I didn't see anyone else with one. At around 8, I started feeling self-conscious because people would ask me questions about it, thinking it was a bruise."
Like most of us, instead of embracing what made her different, Jennifer hid her birthmark every time she got the chance. Her budding insecurity began to dictate every part of her life, even her wardrobe. She told xoNecole, "Because I didn't see anyone who looked like me with a birthmark, I thought it was a flaw and grew up not wearing tops and dresses that exposed it. I started telling myself what I could and could not wear because of my mark. For my high school prom, I had the makeup artist conceal my mark with foundation because I wanted to look beautiful that night."
KAYE MCCOY
Coincidentally, the physical eccentricity that she sought so hard to conceal ended up being a part of her legacy forever.
Jennifer was raised in Los Angeles by Jamaican immigrant parents and discovered her affinity for writing at 6 years old. By 8 years old, she had written her first short story, and by 9, she had been published. Despite her apparent love for her passion, Jennifer found herself working as a Human Resources professional in her adult life. It wasn't until she heard a prolific New Year's Eve sermon by her pastor that she chose to pursue writing as a full-time career.
"Don't die with your gifts still on the inside of you; impart to others what was entrusted to you."
Less than two years later, she published her first book: a collection of short stories and poems, which ultimately became an Amazon #1 Bestseller, but it wasn't until 2016 that she published a book that would change the trajectory of her entire brand.
KAYE MCCOY
Jennifer's latest book, I Am Unique! features Erin, a young girl with a big heart and even bigger dreams who is preparing to audition for the lead role in the school play, and only one thing can get in her way: insecurity. Erin's story mirrors Jennifer's childhood, her night at the prom, and every moment wishing both her insecurity and her birthmark would somehow fade away. The author shared, "It wasn't until I was a freshman in college when I got tired of hiding. I just woke up one day and thought, 'This is silly.' I started wearing clothes that exposed my mark. When no one on campus pointed it out, I started feeling more comfortable in my own skin."
"It took me 10 years to get over my birthmark insecurity. One of the purposes for writing I Am Unique!was to shorten that struggle period and help kids address their insecurities - whatever they may be - right when they develop."
Jennifer shared that she wrote this book featuring this melanated maven, to inspire the little girl in all of us to find confidence in their gifts.
"The truth is, Erin lives within all of us. Whether it is a birthmark like hers, a childhood scar, or maybe even something we can't physically see, we all have something about us that could trigger insecurities. That's why we're positioning Erin as the face of self-love, so we can inspire kids to rise above those insecurities and share their unique gifts with the world."
The author told xoNecole that deep down, every woman is a little girl who has been harboring their insecurities and indulging in negative self-talk since childhood. According to Jennifer, the key to mastering self-love is mastering the power of your truth. She's even gotten a first-hand account of how a children's book has the ability to touch the hearts of grown women.
"I believe inside every woman is a little girl who has not addressed the insecurities they've faced in their earlier years."
"I know this because after sharing my story at an event, a woman approached me with tears in her eyes saying how inspiring my story is. She shared that until this day, she cannot bring herself to love her natural hair due to a bad childhood experience (she was at a restaurant and headed to the ladies' room. Someone told her she was going to the wrong bathroom because they thought she was a boy)."
Our self-identified flaws have the power to plague us our entire lives if we don't confront our demons and learn to accept ourselves as we are; and that's a message so simple that even a little girl named Erin with big dreams of being on stage can comprehend.
KAYE MCCOY
After being recognized widely in her field, and by media like Forbes and Black Enterprise, the young creative says that her work has only begun. Jennifer is currently laser-focused on building I Am Unique! as an empowerment brand, complete with a free audio book and parent's guide, that can help children across the world tap into their natural gifts and actualize their wildest dreams.
Jennifer shared, "Some current and future projects are a coloring and activity book, an Erin doll, and some opportunities in the tech, music, and entertainment space. The goal is to have multiple touch points for Erin to meet kids right where they are, and inspire them to live their lives undimmed."
Purchase your copy of "I Am Unique!" here and keep up with Jennifer on social media @JenniferDVassel and @IAmUniqueBook.
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Why can’t (more) singles just be single and be okay with that? Good Lord. Why does there need to be some sort of relational play-on-words to make it sound like we’re with someone — even if we’re not?
Now masturdating? Even though it’s not even close to being a “real” word, it’s something that also brought a laugh outta me — although it was then followed by a genuine smile. The laugh because I almost immediately caught the play-on-words. The smile was due to the intention behind it all.
If you’re not familiar with what masturdating is and you’re curious about why you should even care, take a few moments to at least skim through what it’s about and why I think participating, as a single person, is a pretty cool (and effective) concept.
@knotlukas Masturdate: a date w oneself
What’s Masturdating All About?
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Masturdating. Okay, so let the word marinate for just a moment. What does it sound like? Yeah…exactly. And since a huge part of masturbation centers around self-pleasure, it’s cool to explore how “self-dating” could produce similar (as far as pleasure is concerned in a broader sense) results. Because masturdating is all about spending quality time with yourself, pampering yourself, treating yourself— and yes, taking yourself out on dates.
Any of you who may think that masturdating is a consolation prize — and a pitiful one at that — for not being able to go out with another human being or get that dream $200 first date that social media was all in a tizzy about last year (bookmark that) — personally, I think that you’re the demographic who needs to try out masturdating first and the most. Why? Off top, I’ll share my three good reasons.
3 Reasons To Strongly Consider Masturdating
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1. It’s an intimate way to get to know yourself better. I’ve been working with couples for a pretty long time at this point and if there’s a pattern that I see arise, OFTEN, it’s that two people are oftentimes so busy trying to “find their person” that they didn’t even know who they were. As a direct result, they found themselves in a relationship with someone who only complemented the “kiddie pool version” of who they were.
That’s why it can be so beneficial to spend time getting to know yourself on the “deep end” of things: what makes you tick, what your passions are, what you want most out of life, what are your interests beyond obvious things — and masturdating can help you to discover all of this. Whether it’s traveling alone or taking out a weekend to drink some wine and journal, the more you get to know yourself, the clearer you’ll be about who complements you on a romantic and friendship level.
2. It will definitely help to boost your confidence levels. I guess since I’m an ambivert, I don’t really get why people freak out at the mere thought of going to a restaurant or movie alone. Personally, I think it requires a helluva lot more energy and gumption to wait around and plan stuff with other people (#Elmoshrug). However, whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert, there’s no way around the fact that the more comfortable you get with doing things alone, the more your confidence levels will increase — no, soar — because of it.
One article that I read on the topic said that doing things alone can make you more creative, improve your mental health, and help you to be totally okay with being alone (so that you’re not “needy” for other people’s attention). A psychotherapist from a New York Times article on the benefits of spending time alone said, “Getting better at identifying moments when we need solitude to recharge and reflect can help us better handle negative emotions and experiences, like stress and burnout.” And when you’re able to stare negativity in its face without flinching, how could that not make you bolder, more self-secure, and hopeful about your life?
3. It will teach you to value your time more effectively. In every facet of your world, you’re gonna operate from a healthier place if you’re operating from a “full cup” rather than an empty one. When it comes to this topic, think about it — if you’re constantly waiting on someone to call you to go out or wishing for a dream date with some guy, all you’re doing is wasting precious time that you could be spending taking a cooking class or hell, hiring a chef to make you dinner at your own home.
Indeed, waiting has two sides to it: when it’s in the form of patience, it is indeed a virtue, yet when it’s wrapped up in the notion that you’re not really living life unless you have an audience…it is totally working against you. Choose wisely.
10 Solo Date Ideas To Help You To “Master” Masturdating
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So, what if you’re someone who has either never considered actually masturdating before or you don’t really know what to do beyond dinner and the movies? Here are a few ideas to consider:
1. Attend a workshop or masterclass that you’re interested in. If there’s something that you’ve always wanted to learn, sign up for a workshop or masterclass. The cool thing about this option is there are probably some in your city, as well as some that you can find online (like here) that are convenient and affordable.
2. Binge-read at a local coffee shop. Aside from their coziness and oftentimes inviting scents, I once read that a lot of us gravitate to coffee shops because we can be around people without having to actually socialize with them. So, if you want to “hang out” while still being able to enjoy a bit of solitude, take a book that you’ve been trying to finish to a local coffee shop, order your favorite latte, and sit in a big-ass comfy chair. Usually, you can sit there for hours, and the staff will be just fine with it (another bonus).
3. Have a spa day in the next town. You can never go wrong with a spa day. And while going with a friend can be fun, sometimes there’s too much talking transpiring to be able to fully chill out and relax. So, go off of the grid, get a change of scenery, and hit up a spa in the next city (or town). There are lots of studies out here supporting that day trips or “daycations” can actually be really good for your long-term health and well-being.
4. See a community play. Some of the best solo dates that I’ve ever been on consisted of taking in some of the local arts in my city. What’s really cool about this particular option is, oftentimes, they are extremely inexpensive, if not totally free of charge (in exchange for making a donation or putting money into a tip jar).
5. Plan a trip. Whenever people say something along the lines of, “If you don’t expect anything, you won’t be disappointed,” I know that they low-key have some (additional) healing to do from past disappointments. There’s simply too much intel out here to support that anticipation (of good stuff) makes us more motivated and optimistic, keeps our dopamine levels up, and makes life more exciting overall.
Since traveling alone is more cost-effective, gives you the freedom to do whatever you want (when you want), and increases the possibility of meeting new people and having new experiences on your journey — why not devote a day this weekend to planning a solo trip? All the way around, it’s good for you.
6. Try your hand at your own “$200 date.” Uh-huh. Roll your eyes if you want to, but it’s real easy to talk left about how a man should be able to just drop $200 like it’s nothing…until you actually try to do it. So yes, while taking yourself out on this type of date could serve as a bit of a reality check, it can also “scratch the itch” of waiting on some dude to do it for you. It’s also way less emotionally draining because, at least when you’re taking your own self out, it’s guaranteed that you’ll enjoy the company…right?
7. DIY some pampering. When you get a chance, check out “5 Reasons You Should Unapologetically Pamper Yourself,” “Want To Love On Yourself? Try These 10 Things At Home.,” “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul,” and “When's The Last Time You Actually Pampered Your Vagina?” The bottom line here is pampering is all about, not mere self-maintenance; it’s all about treating yourself to levels of EXTREME SELF-INDULGENCE. So, if nothing else tickles your fancy on this list, at least consider doing that, chile.
8. Feed your creativity. Something that I used to be really good at is art. That said, one of my goddaughters is insanely talented, so she has reminded me to tap back into it. Also, a big part of what got me into the writing world is poetry; I actually used to be a house poet at a local spot. Sometimes, my best quality time moments with myself have been revisiting these creative sides of me — and this is definitely easier to do (and enjoy) alone.
9. Try some stargazing. When’s the last time you took a blanket into your backyard, laid down on it, and just stared at the stars for hours on end? While some say that stargazing can teach you to be mindful, others say that being in that form of nature reduces stress, while others believe that looking up at the universe at night can increase your attention span. All solid reasons to give it a shot, if you ask me.
10. DO. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. Let me tell you something that nobody will ever be able to make me feel bad about: doing absolutely nothing. I’ve got data to back me up. Good Housekeeping shares that doing nothing can help you decide how you want to respond or react to certain things. I like howThe Guardian says that taking this approach helps you to regain control of what you give your attention to.
TIME magazine says that it can ultimately make you more productive.BBC offers up that it can help you tap into your ingenuity.Henry Ford Health says that it can make you kinder and a better problem-solver. So, if you want to invest in yourself, do nothing sometimes.
Closing Thoughts from the Lovely Javicia Leslie
While some of y'all may know Javicia Leslie from being the former Batwoman, I discovered her back in the day from the indie series Chef Julian (and yes, "Julian" was right to say that "Mo" looks like Tatyana Ali...the real ones know). Sometimes I'll hop on her IG to see what she's got going on and this story popped up within a few hours of me penning this...so, I took it as hella confirmation.
TREAT YO SELF. WAIT FOR NO ONE.
WAIT FOR NO ONE. TREAT YO SELF.
RINSE AND REPEAT.
_____
Sooo…what kind of masturdating plans do you have for this coming weekend? While going out with others has its perks, hanging out with yourself has a ton of ‘em too. Enjoy!
No…for real. ENJOY!
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