I've never really felt any shame around my period.
Not really anyways.
There were some behaviors like hiding my tampon in the presence of people (namely men) that I have become more aware of but not any deep-rooted trauma and shame. That's the thing about me, I've always been relatively shameless when it comes to matters of the human body. I recall wearing pads around the house well before I began my period, excited for the possibilities. I don't mind the mess of period blood, now I'm not going to go smearing it on my face but really I have more of a visceral reaction to loose hair than I do to menstrual blood.
However, I did grow to feel some disappointment and resentment towards moon day because it has come to feel like an inconvenience. Which at times, it is a challenging experience but it's also a beautiful one. And this is what I'm coming to realize! For so many years, my period was just something that had to happen to me. I disassociated from the experience, outside of the pain of PMS. I could never tell the doctor if my period was coming or going. I knew the bare minimum when it came to my period. But, no shame.
I say all of this to say that when I saw and heard of blood tea for the first time -- a moon blood, water mixture -- I didn't cringe so much as my curiosity was piqued. Curious because, well, what is life if we're not always searching and exploring the roots of ourselves and those who came before us? Especially sans colonization! I understand this cocktail to be an offering to Mother Nature. A celebration of feminine energy--of Earth.
If we are Queens and our bodies are as sacred as our ancestors believed -- throwing that energy down drains and into landfills is ungodly and wasteful.
Feng shui principles similarly believe that you shouldn't leave your toilet seat up because it is a portal where energy can flow into, so imagine thinking it's the rightful place for something as sacred as menstrual blood. There is life, love, and energy in that blood. Per ancestral guidelines, you're better off giving your blood back to nature. Traditionally, in some cultures, it is given back to the oldest tree in your yard. But, recycling your blood back into your garden is also sufficient. There's a quote, "When the women give their blood back to the earth, men will come home from war and earth shall find peace." And as I read it, I'm reminded of how our periods were once held to the highest esteem.
Interested in shifting the way I experience menstruation, I began returning my blood to the earth via my houseplants.
Plus, like so many others I had become more invested in gardening as a hobby back in March, as we slowly came to realize 1) the summer would be spent in the house and 2) the possibility of living through a global food shortage was real. My thumb is not the most pigmented shade of green, so I had a few plants that I was willing to test this knowledge out on. I bottom watered them by using menstrual blood easily from my menstrual cup and pouring it into a bottle filled with water. Watering it from the bottom leaves less room to attract gnats since the top of the soil doesn't stay wet. If and when I can, I use rain water to water the plants in an attempt to give and take from nature as much as possible. And very quickly, I was able to see my plants perk up, then within 24 hours, new blooms had come through.
Although I was less interested in the journey it would take me on when I began doing this, I have come to realize the plant and I am sharing a journey that is one and the same. We are both life forces.
Here are the lessons that came from fertilizing my plants with moon blood -- for myself and my green thumb.
1. Life Force
Blood in general is rich in phosphorus, potassium, and nitrogen. These are the major minerals needed for plants to thrive!
Our blood has the ability to give life to all things great, all life forms including babies and nature alike.
And sure there's blood meal, but therein lies the problem -- we're already too far removed from what is natural and wholesome. Plants shouldn't nourish from unknown/unnatural sources anymore than we should.
2. Synchronicity
I became more connected as the ritual intends. Like I said before I had no clue of when to expect my period. Now I'm far more observant of what's to come, by either looking to the moon or looking at the condition my plants are in. I have Pothos plants that get watered on the same cycle of my menstrual cycle, when they start to wither I know they're in need of sustenance. In turn, I've become more in sync with my needs and when I can anticipate them.
3. Purpose
I feel more whole in the act of seeing the life my menses brings to my plants; the capabilities of my body helps me to feel a bit more firm in my purpose here on this earth.
Our duty to put back into nature rather than take from it. We are natural nurturers and in addition to standing in that role,
I've come to understand there are many things in our environment that require nurturing--human babies are not the only things we're supposed to give life to.
As I continue gardening, I'll be looking to the gradual changes and observations that manifest on behalf of this ritual.
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I was completely broken, and every part of me hurt. I was no longer the lighthearted Camille that everyone loved and knew me to be. I remember a family friend saying, “You’re not the same.” And I wasn’t. I no longer recognized the girl looking back at me in the mirror. I needed major healing.
It was 2018 when I found the courage to seek mental health therapy. At that point, I knew there was nothing more that my friends could do for me. I was all cried out, and the silence was killing me. At the time, I was diagnosed with clinical anxiety, depression, and PTSD. How?
How did I let trauma take complete control of my life? But I had to forgive myself for all the things I did not know.
At the time, my therapist introduced me to journaling as a coping mechanism. Words ultimately became my best friend. In many ways, I would like to think that writing saved me. I am in love with words, and I always have been. My writing was and still is my safe space. It unlocked opportunities I never imagined – like writing for xoNecole.
And with this gift, I can now tell you a story about my own trauma, healing, self-discovery, and the journey to learning how to celebrate myself.
Starting a Healing Journey
In early Spring 2019, I was told by a Reiki healer that I was going to embark on a journey. She told me it was going to be lonely, but I was never alone. The thing is I never once mentioned to this woman my travel plans. It was August 2019 when I planned my solo trip to Europe. It was going to be 38 days alone on a continent I knew absolutely nothing about. By the end of summer and a nine-hour flight later, I touched down in London.
I fell in love with every single thing. I fell in love with everything I could see – colors, cobblestone streets, spiral staircases, adorned windows, architecture, garden terraces, nature, and people. I fell in love with everything I could hear – accents, language, history, and music. I fell in love with everything I could taste – wines, foods, and desserts. I fell in love with everything I could feel – ocean breezes, white sands, and well-designed buildings. I fell in love with everything that fed my soul. People, stories, and connections. I fell in love with myself.
I traveled to England, Portugal, Spain, France, and Italy. And with every conversation and every connection I made – I found healing.
I always say women have the ability to heal others naturally. It was here in my travels that I started to pay attention to the concepts of purpose, connection, energy, alignment, and universal signs. I began to truly realize not only my strengths and universal gifts but also how to use them too. I started to step into my authentic self. I began to realize who Camille really was. A free spirit with a heart of gold.
Courtesy of Camille Ali
A New Season
By the time I had returned from Europe, it was late Fall 2019, and I was a completely different person.
I spent most of my time pouring into myself. Self-development and self-love became key. Everything that I previously settled for in family, friends, and relationships – I went and gave to myself. Read that again. I became completely in love with who I was becoming, and I still am. I had let go of tradition, conditional beliefs, people pleasing, and living my life to make my parents proud.
I had let go of being a “straight arrow,” and the idea of having it all figured out. I outgrew tradition and cultural norms. Sometimes, those things can be so blinding.
I began to shift. I adopted and altered the things that aligned with my purpose and values.
I became risk-tolerant instead of risk-averse.
I canceled my fears.
I welcomed uncertainty, knowing I would always land on my feet.
This newfound level of confidence came out of nowhere. It was no longer a question of if I can do this. The question became, how can I do this? I stayed open to possibilities and opportunities in whichever form they came to me. I became selective and intentional with my time and energy, too. I went from being a 9 to 5 government employee, then a corporate consultant, to a small business owner not once but twice by 2021.
If you ask me who I am now, I would say I am authentically a creative. I write from my heart, and I speak from my core. My voice is my power, and my words hold weight. By trade, I am a paralegal and a business consultant.
How Trauma Shows Up in the Body
Even though I was able to heal my heart, my mind, and my spirit, I wasn’t quite done healing. And I didn’t even know it. In the last seven years, I gained weight. This was a direct result of a broken heart, emotional trauma, mental health issues, stress, and poor lifestyle choices. I was a good 50 pounds overweight, too. I knew something was wrong with my body when it stopped responding to my dietary and lifestyle efforts.
I started to advocate for my health in the winter of 2022 to get clarity and answers. I sought the care of medical specialists, asked the right questions, requested second opinions, and tested and retested my blood. Not one doctor could properly diagnose me, either.
When Western medicine failed me, I chose holistic medicine. What I learned and what I understood was that my physical health issues were a straight-up trauma response. I cried. I was always conscious about my health, and now I’m sick with Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. Yes, PTSD triggers and is linked to autoimmune diseases.
I remember thinking, “I did this to myself, and I have to fix it.”
I spent the majority of 2023 detoxing with Chinese herbs, making every lifestyle change possible. My body was holding on to dead weight – it had to go for me to continue to become.
Courtesy of Camille Ali
Celebrating Myself
Summer 2023 couldn’t come any faster. I completed my holistic detox with sacrifice and ease. While everyone saw just a “body transformation,” for me, it was an emotional release.
I was no longer reminded of what transpired. I cried again.
There were so many days, months, and years that I thought I would never get me back. And I believed it. I mean, who wouldn’t? Medical experts adamantly told me that there was nothing wrong with me. All I wanted was to feel like myself again. I missed me so badly.
I looked for me everywhere. I couldn’t find her until I paused and did the inner work.
I wouldn’t change one thing about my healing journey. It all had to happen so I could be in this current moment. And this girl right here – I know exactly who she is. I know what she stands for through and through. And I’ll never stray from that.
I’ve grown so much, yet in some ways, I’m rediscovering who this girl is again. It’s so intoxicating.
Courtesy of Camille Ali
Returning to Europe
I have always wanted to go back to Europe. Europe is a magical place to be. It's the energy, the people, and the lifestyle for me. But the timing wasn’t right. It took the wedding of a close friend of mine to make my return happen. I returned to Europe in August 2023. This time to Greece.
At first, I didn’t realize the significance of the timing. But make no mistake, this was alignment, a full circle moment, and a testimony to myself. I started a healing journey in August 2019, and I returned as a completely different person this year.
Happy, whole, and healed. Resilient and confident.
I knew I was meant to share a pivotal moment in my friend’s life and celebrate myself. My word for 2023 was joy, and I wanted all of it. More importantly, I deserved it.
I fell in love with everything all over again. Everything that I can see, hear, smell, touch, and taste, that is. I created moments and memories. And I felt each moment and memory deeply in new places and with new faces. Greece owed me absolutely nothing. Europe will always and forever have a special place in my heart.
My five-year healing journey taught me to always choose myself. I am grateful because my entire journey brought me home to myself. And one thing about me is that when I am in the right environment — I thrive. Always.
The journey to self-discovery is worth the uncomfortable moments and ugly crying. It’s worth the undoing, redoing, and reprocessing to finally come to a place of happiness, peace, and being comfortable in your own skin.
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