Here's How You And Your Partner Can Engage In Some 'Gratitude Sex'
When I wrote the article on how to have "comfy sex" for the site (check out "What Is 'Comfy Sex'? How Can You Get More Of It?"), someone wrote me and asked, "Where do you get this stuff from?" Honestly, a lot of it I make up although what initially inspired my "different kinds of sex" ideas is a piece that I wrote a while back entitled, "8 'Kinds Of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation." Personally, it is my heartfelt belief that a part of the reason why some people — especially those who are in long-term relationships — find themselves getting bored with sex is that, far too often, they only look at it from a physical perspective. And yeah, if all you're thinking about is how intercourse literally happens and whether or not you're going to get an orgasm from it, not only can that get old, real fast, it can also keep you from experiencing so much more of what coitus has to offer…if you choose to stay open to it.
Since this is the month when all-things-gratitude are the focal point, I figured that now would be as good of a time as any for us to explore what it means to enjoy some "gratitude sex" with our partner. Sex that, yes, let's them know that you are grateful for being able to experience something so precious with them. Yet also taking another approach on gratefulness — sex that is "pleasing to the mind or senses; agreeable; welcome". Ready?
1. Customize Your Presentation
One of the things that I like so much about the place where I get waxed is the atmosphere; especially the bathroom (and I can't say that about many bathrooms, chile). It's super clean. It's decorated in a really warm and inviting way. And it smells amazing. And all of that makes me more comfortable about taking off all of my clothes and going spread eagle in order to get the job done. My point? You know, it's interesting because, when I was having a convo with a husband recently, he said that something that he doesn't think that women recognize a lot is how much ambiance matters to a man. "I know society makes y'all want to think that as long as we can 'get in' we don't care about much else but that's actually some real bulls--t. I like candles. I like soft bedding. I like a sexy scent. Men like the right setting too."
I totally get this because when we take out the time to "set the stage" when it comes to sex, it sends the message that we've put some real forethought into planning out the experience…because that's how much our partner means to us. So, definitely make cultivating ambiance a top priority if you want to engage in some gratitude sex. Even before you touch each other, it lets your partner know just how much you adore them and are grateful to share what's about to go down.
2. Set Aside Some “Atypical Time” for Nothing but Intimacy
Remember how I said in the intro that a definition of grateful is "welcome". I've shared in a different article before that another husband once told me that he's someone who likes lingerie outside of sex. "If a woman only wears it before sex, it sends the message that she thinks that we don't care to see her being sexy AF outside of the bedroom and that's simply not true. Honestly, I like lingerie when my wife is just walking around the house. Once it's about to go down, she can be butt naked for all I care."
An atypical time to wear lingerie. Copy that. Do you know what else men are "welcome" to? An atypical time for intimacy. If you always do it at night, switch things up and initiate in the morning. If the weekends are more your thing, catch him off guard on a Tuesday afternoon. Something else that's cool about gratitude sex is when you aren't caught up in the routine of the act, when you "break code" a bit, you are basically saying, "I am so glad to be with you that I want you now" — and if now is at a random time of the day or night, who gives AF? So be it.
3. Tell Your Partner What You Appreciate About Them. Sexually.
When it comes to the semi-long list of top reasons for why so many couples end up calling it quits (including married folks who end up getting divorced), if there's one thing that I don't see mentioned nearly enough but absolutely should, it's that they don't feel appreciated by their partner. I get why that's so important too because when you appreciate someone, that means you value them, that you are fully conscious and aware of what they mean to you, and yes, that you are grateful for them.
Since the focus of this piece is all about physical intimacy, take a moment and ponder — when's the last time you verbally expressed the things that you appreciate about your partner, strictly as it relates to what happens in your boudoir? Maybe you appreciate how good they are at dirty talk. Maybe you appreciate how they take their time. Maybe you appreciate how much they care about you gettin' yours (and how they are able to tell when you don't). Maybe you appreciate how they pick up on your non-verbal affirmations or the fact that they are fully present, even after the act is over. Far too often, we take people for granted in areas where we think they should automatically know how we feel. If you want to be a master at gratitude sex, never assume — always express.
4. Be Compassionate in Your Foreplay
A grateful individual is typically a pretty compassionate one as well. What do I mean by that when it comes to sex? Well, the main definition of compassion is to see someone suffering on some level and have a desire to relieve it as a direct result. How this can translate into intimacy is, if your partner is totally down but you know they had a long day, how about offering them a massage? Or if it's evident that they are super stressed out, how about giving before receiving (if you know what I mean)? Or if they are feeling a little self-conscious about their body as of late, why not treat their sensitive areas as spots that you want to love on the most?
Synonyms for compassion include empathy, grace, mercy, tenderness, and heart. Putting yourself in your partner's shoes. Giving them favor when their performance may not be totally up to par. Being patient with them the way you want them to be patient with you. Bringing a "Force MDs spirit" into the bedroom (the real ones know). Caring about their feelings and emotions. All of this defines what it means to be a compassionate lover — what it means to incorporate compassion into your foreplay.
5. Speak Your Partner’s (Sexual) Love Language
I say it often because I totally believe it to be so — one of the biggest mistakes that are made, on the regular, in relationships, is folks are too caught up in giving their partner what they want to receive instead of what their partner actually desires. This can be the case in the bedroom too. That's why, last year, I penned "Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?" for the site because how your partner may want to receive sex may be different from how you prefer to.
Words of affirmation folks like seductive expressions. Physical touch people are big on erogenous zones. Acts of service individuals appreciate a cleaned bedroom. Quality time folks cherish afterplay (more on that in a bit). Gifts people like a little something that's waiting on their pillow before foreplay transpires. Pretty much, in every area of a romantic relationship, you can never go wrong with knowing what your partner's love language is. When it comes to sex specifically, do you? And if so, do you speak it fluently?
6. Fulfill a Sexual Fantasy
Again, another definition of grateful is "pleasing to the mind or senses" and fulfilling a sexual fantasy of your partner (as they do the same thing for you) definitely qualifies. When I'm in sessions with married folks (especially ones who have a somewhat extensive sexual history with other people), I'm big about pushing them to fulfill fantasies. Why? Well, aside from the fact that it's erotic as all get out, oftentimes a fantasy is something that hasn't actually manifested outside of one's mind…yet.
So, if one or both people are feeling a little uncomfortable or insecure about their partner's sexual past, something that can help to "drown out" those emotions is to create new experiences with one another because, I can almost guarantee you, that no matter what you and/or your partner may have already done, there are still things on your sexual bucket lists that you still have yet to do. Do those things together. What in the world are you waiting for? Because having a whole set of customized sexual memories is definitely something to be truly thankful for.
7. Get into Eye Contact Sexual Positions
Wanna know if someone is truly present with you? Wanna know if you are truly present with someone else? Maintain eye contact. You know, I actually read an article that said when folks go out of their way to avoid making eye contact, it can mean that there are walls up, they don't trust you, or that they aren't being very genuine. And while I wouldn't say this 100 percent applies, across the board, in the bedroom (because some sexual positions avoid all eye contact and yet are still pleasurable like a mutha), I do think that if you and yours are never in some variation of the missionary position, that should be discussed — because if there is a time when you should want to feel like you are totally connecting with your partner, it's when he's inside of you and again, eye contact helps to make that happen.
8. Make Afterplay a Top Priority
A complaint from women that I tend to hear a lot when it comes to sex is how often men will fall asleep, immediately after sex. In response, what I typically remind ladies of is the fact that science is the underlying reason. After men ejaculate, they release a considerable amount of the biochemical prolactin. When that happens, it causes them to feel tired and drained which is why they want to fall asleep. This is where the article, "Sure, Your Foreplay Game Is On Point. Now What About The 'Afterplay'?" comes in. Although I don't know many men who want to have a full-on deep discussion following sex, cuddling counts as afterplay. So does snacking on something or even watching a movie together (even if he only lasts for half of it).
The main thing that I like so much about afterplay is it's a reminder, to both people, that your partner is not just some random jump-off. What I mean by that is, it's not uncommon for casual sex partners to get off and get up and go. On the flip side, when you truly care about someone, you tend to want to cherish time together as you bask in the afterglow. If you want another way to show your partner how grateful you are for sharing such an intimate time and space with them, make sure that afterplay is on the agenda. It makes sex very…sweet. It really does.
9. Pillow Talk About Each Other’s Sexual Goals
Famed author Zig Ziglar once said, "What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals." And yes, I am big on encouraging couples to set short and long-term sex goals with one another. It helps to keep them from getting stuck in a sexual rut. It encourages them to step outside of the box and try new things. It gives them something special to look forward to on a regular basis. It challenges them to rise above their sexual status quo.
It conveys that they are not only prioritizing their sex life, but they are proactively looking for ways to make it better than ever. So yeah, two people who use their pillow time, at least a couple of times a month to set some solid sex goals are two people who think their sex life is just as important as every other part of their relationship — and when you've got a partner who thinks this way…how can you not be grateful for that?
10. Keep a “Sex Gratitude Journal”
One more thing. Something that I think all people should have is a sex journal. You can read more about that via the article, "The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)." Along these same lines, something that I think all couples (who are in an exclusive sexual relationship) should have is a sex gratitude journal. I'm telling you, there is something that is very thoughtful, very endearing, and very special about two people who literally make the time to handwrite thoughts, moments, and experiences that they shared with one another, sexually, that they are truly thankful for; especially when they make sure to put a date and time on their entries. Then, when things are a little challenging, one or both feels a bit of a disconnect or it's around the anniversary of the relationship's beginning, they can look through the journal and recall so much that is good about their bedroom chemistry.
So, as you're on the quest to implement more gratitude sex into your life, make sure to cop a fresh journal, to post entries and keep it on your bedroom nightstand. Whether you're the one writing or reading the entries, there's no way that you can put the journal down and not feel valued, adored and even a little horny. Just as sex should make you feel. Always.
Featured image by Getty Images
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images