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Toya Wright, Memphitz & The Issue With Giving Men 'Hall Passes' To Cheat
We all have deal breakers in the relationships we form with other people. The Telegraph recently revealed traits that turn men and women off, with responses ranging from laziness in men, to an untidy appearance in women. While the poll focused solely on traits people avoid to in potential mates, other factors do come into play that’s an absolute no-no once you’re actually in a relationship.
Of course, infidelity is something that many people–single, in a relationship, or married–feel is unforgivable. I, for one, am understanding on many things except going outside of the relationship to have sex with someone else. Cheating, on top of, lying, mediocre sex, and immaturity are some of my own. But it’s been a weekend of having this deal breaker/compromise conversation with some close friends after clips of last night’s Bravo series Untying the Knot featuring Toya Wright and Mickey “Memphitz” Wright hit the web this past Friday.
Related: I Fulfilled My Trois Fantasy…And This Is What I Learned
In a minute-long clip, the still married yet separated pair meet with Vikki Ziegler–a celebrity divorce attorney and expert mediator. The opening clip introduces us to Toya Wright, who expresses, “I’m not going to be living my life as a married woman and you over there living like a single man” after Memphitz opens up about their separation. When questioned if he cheats on his wife, Memphitz denies that he does, except when using a “hall pass.”
A who?
A hall pass allows Memphitz eight days out of the year to “do whatever,” originating from Toya’s belief that her husband “doesn’t like rules.”
Okay, girl.
So I dug a little further to see how others were perceiving the clip and I came across plenty of "cheating" headlines. I thought about it and didn’t see how Toya allowing her husband to sleep around could be seen as cheating. I don’t agree with their lifestyle for my own personal relationship, but I also didn’t agree with the notion that homeboy was cheating on his wife.
Open relationships–let’s talk about it.
“What’s forbidden is always desirable.” Those were the words of real-life basketball wife, Masha Lopatova, who has been married to former Brooklyn Nets player Andrei Kirilenko for 14 years. Lopatova grants her husband "allowances," much like Toya’s hall passes, where Kirilenko was allowed to fulfill his sexual desires in another woman outside of the marriage. “They get chased by women. It’s hard to resist. It’s the way men are by nature,” she said. “When I’m aware and I let him do it, it’s not cheating.” It's been said that wives of athletes are far more understanding because they are aware of women that come trailing along with that lifestyle. Remember Evelyn Lozada's thoughts on Chad Ochocinco?
Related: Evelyn Willing To Marry Into An Open Relationship With Chad Ochocinco?
I cringe at the notion that men are these hypersexual beings that cannot practice self-control and must follow their carnal desires. In both Lopatova and Toya’s decisions to let their man be free from all rules in holy matrimony, the need to issue permission to sleep around is driven by what many feel like is insecurity. Or is it just some adult ‘ish from two honest and mature adults who can handle what society shuns? (Cues Jay-Z’s “Have an affair, act like an adult for once.”)
Photo Credit: FOX/Getty Images
Comedian Mo’Nique also talked about her attempt at an open marriage on New York radio station, Hot 97 in 2013. The comedienne dropped relationship gems throughout her interview, but cleared the air on why her journey into open territory failed.
“The open relationship [thing] had nothing to do with my husband. Listen baby, I was an entertainer. The road is what it is. It goes for men and women. So I felt like this is what it is and this is who I am...My ego got in the way. I thought I was saying to women, ‘You can have your cake and eat it too girl cause I can do this.’ And it backfired. It backfired in a way that they thought well, ‘Oh since he’s so good looking and Mo’Nique’s fat, she’s just going to let this man do anything and run all over on top of her…I didn’t realize the king I had. I was just being old Mo’Nique and having my old ways.”
Mo’Nique and husband, Sidney Hicks, are still together; A testament that it works for some and it doesn’t for others.
An article this past summer on lifestyle blog, MindBodyAdvice, also delved into topic of open relationships. The author shared her experience on what she expected when she proposed an open relationship to three of her boyfriends. Here are her thoughts on what she thought walking into an open relationship:
When bringing up the offer of my partner to be able to be in a relationship with me but still give them the option to sleep with other women I thought they would think I was the coolest girlfriend in the world. I believed they would love how I was offering them an experience most girlfriends would not and in turn appreciate me so much they would put extra effort in our relationship and affection towards me. I expected that maybe once every couple of months they may have casual sex with a woman when they felt the need to have some freedom then it would leave their system and they would return to me grateful and loving. I expected the sex they had to be completely casual and the other women to mean nothing to them other than a good time.
As freely as many believe couples in open relationships are, the need to lay down some ground rules with do's and don'ts in the beginning is a must. It's usually broken up like this from what I've gathered:
- Keep it real at all times
- Casual sex only. Drop the notion that you were getting a two (girlfriends)-for-one deal and know that seeing and sexing that woman more than once is a no-no.
The writer notes that all three men agreed to the two rules. But did they keep their word?
While I thought it would strengthen our relationship and make them want to appreciate me more, it basically was the kiss of death. On the hope this would bring me and my partners together, it was an absolute fail, it only drove us apart and made me feel incredibly alone. I felt like I was the only person putting effort into the relationships while they were purely preying on other women.I learned it didn’t bring my relationship with the man closer, it didn’t make them appreciate me it just drove a wedge in the relationship and eventually caused it to end. I learned I didn’t like who I became when I gave my approval for this freedom, I became jealous, resentful and felt alone in the relationship. Would I ever try it again? No, I wouldn’t. I tried this three times and it honestly never worked. I feel I am at the stage in my life where I want a serious relationship, a lasting relationship and this isn’t an ingredient for a lasting relationship. I often wonder if maybe I gave these boyfriends this freedom because deep down I knew they actually weren’t the right man for me anyway. I learned that while I offered this to them I really secretly wanted them to say no I just want you and I felt disappointed every time a boyfriend said yes to the opportunity. While I am sure there are many couples who can make an open relationship work I am not someone who can and I would never relive the experience again.
Inviting new options into a relationship/bedroom to “spice things up” leads to either disrespect or a tighter bond. The dynamics of how it can go either way is interesting. While this is only one woman's experience, it is telling that allowing your partner to dip and dabble on the side while he's on the road, when your marriage is doing well or on the rocks or because you're trying to be perceived as "down for anything," possibly opens the door for disrespect and heartbreak for you in the end. Is it risk you're willing to take?
[Tweet "Don't minimize your worth in hopes of making something broken work"]
Toya went from divorcing Lil' Wayne because of his lifestyle to permitting part of that same lifestyle into a new marriage. We subject ourselves to things we wouldn't before in order to rectify problems that are irreparable. You can't fix something that isn't broke, and you shouldn't minimize your worth in hopes of making something broken work. While I'm not knocking anyone who chooses to live their lives as ‘openly’ as Toya Wright and Memphitz, Mo'Nique and Sidney, or the woman and her three boyfriends, I am questioning those who believe that non-monogamous relationships lead to stronger unions. Can someone be fully committed to you if your relationship is one for convenience?
Let's talk in the comment section below! Can long-term, happy relationships stem from allowing your partner to have sex with other people?
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Is it just me, or do our bodies have an “If it’s not one thing, it’s another” vibe as we get older? And lately, new or recurring skin conditions have been yet another thing to add to the growing list of “WTF is this, am I dying?” When it comes to seborrheic dermatitis, it’s one of the most common skin issues, impacting 3 to 10 out of 100 people, per the National Institute of Health. You may have heard of it, been diagnosed with it, or will relate to this article and finally feel seen and relieved that there’s a name for what you’ve been going through.
We’re breaking down everything you need to know about seborrheic dermatitis, from what it is and its symptoms to shutting down a few common myths, and of course, how to know if you actually have it. Let’s get into it.
What Are The Signs?
You may be experiencing seborrheic dermatitis if your skin, eyebrows, scalp, or facial hair has dandruff, irritable skin patches, or flakes, according to the Mayo Clinic. More specifically, and on the verge of TMI, oily skin with flat white or yellow scales may also be a sign.
When it comes to rashes, it’s likely they’ll show up in a ring-like form (which is called petaloid seborrheic dermatitis). For the melanated folks, rashes may appear darker or lighter (per the National Eczema Association, people of color may get a more intense flare-up with lesions on the hairline and discoloration), while those with fair skin may experience red rash areas.
Where Is It?
While seborrheic dermatitis can occur on various body parts, it’s frequently seen on the scalp, according to the NEA. The Mayo Clinic notes that the condition also pops up on oily facial and body areas like the edges of one’s nose, eyelids, and eyebrows, as well as the chest and ears. Skin can appear inflamed with rashes and patches, and the scalp will typically battle with relentless dandruff.
Seborrheic dermatitis can be super irritating and frustrating, but fortunately, if you’ve been diagnosed, it doesn’t lead to permanent hair loss, and it isn’t contagious, The Mayo Clinic states. In fact, with doctor-prescribed treatment or products like special shampoo, it could disappear or at least reduce flare-ups.
What Triggers It?
It’s difficult to pinpoint what specifically causes the condition. The Mayo Clinic points out that it could arise thanks to too much oil in the skin or the presence of Malassezia, a type of fungi. Commonly, things like fatigue, weather changes, and stress also play a role. More serious conditions that can trigger it range from Parkinson’s and depression to HIV, as well as the aftermath of life-altering events like a heart attack.
Bronchitis, strep throat, the flu, tonsillitis, and ear and respiratory infections are also known to cause flare-ups, along with skin issues like bruises, sunburns, scratches, and bites, per the Cleveland Clinic.
Interestingly enough, the NIH notes that seasons changing has a role too. Seborrheic dermatitis can disappear in the summer months, and then make a comeback like it never left in the winter.
Who Does It Affect?
Unlike many other things we go through as women, seborrheic dermatitis is actually more common for men, according to the NIH. It often appears for the first time in the young adult years or for those who are older than 50.
What About Psoriasis Though?
Seborrheic dermatitis is often compared to psoriasis, and for good reason. They both impact the skin, especially the scalp area. They can both also leave scaly patches on the skin, flakes on your hair, and cause itching. However, they’re not identical. Healthline notes that areas of seborrheic dermatitis flareups are typically easier to remove compared to psoriasis. Psoriasis also tends to be sorer and more tender, while seborrheic dermatitis can itch or create a burning sensation.
Let’s Clear The Air
There are a few rumors about the power of seborrheic dermatitis and what it can cause. So let’s break down the truth for a second. According to the NEA, this condition is not cancerous, nor does it indicate or increase a higher risk for cancer in the future.
Just a reminder, it doesn’t cause hair loss, nor is hair loss a symptom. If you are experiencing concerning hair loss, it is likely a sign of something else.
How Can You Treat It?
Seborrheic dermatitis can be treated pretty easily (praises be). Certain medicines like shampoos with tar, anti-inflammatory creams that include steroids, creams and shampoos with antifungal agents, or creams that feature salicylic acid, can be applied to the inflamed area to help resolve the problematic area, according to the NIH.
Just a note though: As tempting as it is to cover up scaly patches with heavy foundation or concealer, experts with the NIH actually advise against it as it can clog your pores. However, a light foundation can be used occasionally, along with skin care products that aren’t too oily to help temporarily conceal it.
A unique type of sunscreen also isn’t needed. You can use what you typically would before stepping out into the sun. And your skin soaking in a few extra rays could actually help your skin.
Should You Self-Diagnose?
As tempting as it is to make an appointment with Dr. Google, The Mayo Clinic advises you to call your actual physician if the condition interrupts your sleep, makes you lose focus throughout the day, contributes to anxiety, or simply doesn’t go away with at-home remedies. Simply put, it’s always best to check with your doctor to ensure you’re actually experiencing seborrheic dermatitis and get the treatment you need to help monitor or prevent it.
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