Lord, we are tired. We tired, Lord. We've made it to the fall season and we don't know if we can handle anymore, Lord.
If you haven't realized, there's only three more months remaining in this year! We've almost made it through the gauntlet—2020, you're almost gone, sis!
And for my Debbie-Downers, yes, I know that doesn't mean our problems are going to magically disappear, and yes, I know that COVID is still jigging all over the place. But sometimes a girl has got to look at the positives, m'kay?
And I don't know about you, but seriously, in addition to keeping my mind healthy, if it weren't for my variety of group chats, at this point, I would be questioning 2 + 2 (because after this year, the answer damn sure isn't 4 anymore)—which got me to thinking: in a distanced society, how can we make sure we tighten up what we allow to penetrate our minds?
The best way? Solid, focused communication; no distractions. No BS. All support.
According to GroupMe research, 43% of people feel like pop culture, and/or memes, are the only topics discussed in their group chats. Um, ew. No, ma'am. There's no better time than now to tighten up what we allow to nourish us mentally. It's becoming a twilight zone out there.
So, a list of group chats that you're gonna need to finish out this year are these:
Neighborhood
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Listen, it takes a village. And this oddly seems to be a lost art. Ladies, I know that some things may not be our business, and you're right, it's not. But bottom line, you need to know what is going on in your neighborhood. And not in a "Karen" way, but more so in a "Claire Huxtable" way, especially if you have kids. Get to know your neighbors, don't frown at an invite. You can't be everywhere, so it takes a village (there goes that saying again) to protect all of your assets. Additionally, your sense of community lies here.
If you're not interested in joining a direct conversational tool for your neighborhood, seek out Facebook groups or pages. You should not solely rely on the news, join an additional form of communication. Now, stop being anti- and go ahead and wave at Judy, sis!
Finance
Apple split its stock.
This natural resource company may be interesting to invest in.
Make sure to complete your trust.
Roth IRA vs. 401K?
I'm thinking of putting an offer in on this three-flat.
Add your child as an authorized user to your credit cards to build their credit by the time they leave the home.
Girls, we're all getting older. And the above, are the type of conversations that we need to be having sooner than not. Money is a tricky subject because so many don't understand it. And even then, to be honest, there's so much that we don't know. Link with like-minded people who understand money. And I don't mean fraud or get-rich-quick schemes, I mean those that are thoroughlydiscussing money. Mortgage rates, tax breaks, LLC formation, acquisitions, or optimizing investment funds and shareholders.
All the scary stuff. We need to know about it.
Good Reads
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Books will never go out of style. And learning the way of the world, won't either. Whether articles, or books, or audio, take the time to understand something. Order some books to escape reality. Or because of the stresses of society, seek books which allow you to suppress your anxiety. Whatever form you choose, do it. We can't champion this world alone. Book recommendations, or articles sent from friends are a love language. Indulge.
Cousins
As we age, what we've all mostly learned is that family is a tough code to break. Too many generations of not so progressive behaviors, generational curses, poor mental health practices, and so on and so forth (I could name like hundreds of different variables) run freely in everyone's family, but who else is responsible for keeping it together? It's us. Not to be confused with a family chat, but a cousin chat is necessary in those times when we need to organize what's to come. Where's Thanksgiving dinner this year? The family reunion? Do we have everything? Or our elders may need someone to reach out to for simply assistance on how the world works now. That obligation falls on our shoulders.
So, whether we want to or not, it is our job to keep the family in (somewhat) tact.
Everyone has had a turn to do so. It's ours now.
Prayer/Positivity
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Ladies, we need positivity. We need someone to speak life over us. We need celebration. We need a space where we can tell someone our good news. We need someone to stop us when we're gossiping. We need conversations where everyone was given the benefit of the doubt. We need prayer. We need spiritual guidance and protection...
The world is negative, society is negative. And that's only because we've allowed negative spirits and cynicism to take over. Be intentional in your thinking. Be intentional in conversation. And there's no time to just discuss it. Live it.
Active/Fitness & Health
Health is wealth, ladies. So, we have to prioritize our time to learn about ways to sustain our health. Vitamin recommendations, or weekly yoga classes. Workout classes or city fitness events. We have to find ways to stay on top of this. Or maybe you just need accountability without the nag. These type of group chats allow you to maintain activity in some form.
Plus, that blood pressure and cholesterol number is nothing to play with.
I recently joined a black bike club that rides regularly, which is all they look to do. They ask where you are if you miss a trip. They follow-up and follow-through. They challenge themselves, and they'll challenge you. A friend of mine runs a black women's hiking chapter. These are just two examples, there's a plethora of other ways to engage about fitness.
General Girlfriend Chat
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Now, you know the homies get a chat before anyone. Why? Because it's damn near necessary. We all have one, we all need one. The comfort, the comedy, the accountability. Crucial.
I cannot tell you how many times I have had bad days, or I've been enraged about something, and I ran to my friend chat to discuss. And instantly, everything had become OK. As women, we are always in our heads. Sometimes, we deserve moments where we can step outside of ourselves and hear, "Yeah, you're trippin', girl" or "Well, how did you feel about that?" Or hell, maybe you just want to tell a funny story. Whatever the case, your girlfriends' chat should always be there to catch whatever you're throwing.
And the best thing about your general girlfriend chat, is that you should easily—and fundamentally—be able to discuss all of the above too.
Join us in the xoTribe community and gain access to Mentor Mondays, bi-weekly workshops from our dating and career coaches, an archive of digital fireside chats, and virtual happy hours. Plus, connect with Necole, the xoNecole squad and a community of empowering women committed to being their best selves. Find your tribe today!
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RELATED
What Is A Doula?
While thoughts of an ethereal, peace-baring godmother may come to mind when imagining a doula, these trained professionals provide continuous physical, emotional, and informational support to a mother before, during, and after childbirth.
“We tend to fill in that spaces that the [medical] system don’t support,” Sabia Wade, a Full Spectrum Doula, Author, and CEO of Birthing Advocacy Doula Trainings & For The Village Inc. tells xoNecole.
“A doula says, ‘Let's sit down and talk about your ideal birth plan, what to do if things go in a different direction like needing to have a C-section or other medical interventions, and how to advocate for yourself and the medical terms you’re going to hear throughout the process,” she explains
Sabia Wade, a Full Spectrum DoulaCourtesy of Sabia Wade
New parents often experience a mix of excitement and worry, particularly concerning generational trauma, and parenting approaches, or feel grief over lifestyle changes. Doulas are there to support expecting mothers by offering guidance and being a reliable, knowledgeable presence. “At the end of the day, I need to know how you're doing,” she says. “We want the parents to have their own voice, so we stand in the space of being the translator.”
The Birthing Experience With Doulas
Doulas often meet clients at home between the 30-37-week mark and assess how the client is feeling, whether they need rest, movement, or emotional support at that time.
“We're doing a lot of education before so that when we get into the birth space, you come in with a base knowledge that helps you be a little bit more grounded,” Wade says. “We work on normalizing the birth experience because most people don't see birth until it’s time to give birth.”
From setting the atmosphere with the right music, from jazz, ambient sounds, and even Trap, to lighting incense, palo santo, or lavender, this time is all about setting the right mood to ensure the mother’s comfort.
“Every doula has their own flair, but I come into the space and check on my client to see how they’re doing, what they’re feeling, and getting oriented to the space,” she explains. “Then I start making the room the way my client wants it to be.”
Doula and Medical Professionals
With the mortality rate for Black women being significantly higher than rates for White and Hispanic women, doulas coach mothers to navigate conversations with doctors and nurses to ensure they understand all options, make informed decisions, and advocate for themselves effectively.
“It's important for a doula not to talk directly to a doctor since we’re not the ones that are receiving care,” Wade says. “Instead, I’ll coach the mother or their partner and say, ‘Let's figure out if this C-section or vaginal exam is urgent or not,’ — let me tell you what they said and you tell what you heard. Then let me help you ask the questions to make sure that we're navigating this in a good way.”
Benefits of Having a Doula
Studies show that doula-assisted mothers were “two times less likely to experience a birth complication involving themselves or their baby, and significantly more likely to initiate breastfeeding.”
From fewer C-sections, shorter time in labor, fewer negative childbirth experiences, a decrease in postpartum mood disorders, and improved communication between pregnant people and their healthcare providers, the continuous care of doulas is proven to produce better birth and postpartum outcomes.
Finding The Right Doula For You
When determining how to obtain doula services, it's essential to first clarify your financial situation. Explore community resources or organizations that offer free doula care, and check your health insurance coverage, as some plans may include doula services, particularly through Medicaid in certain states.
From prenatal care to postpartum support, the relationship with a doula can span one to two years, underscoring the importance of feeling safe and comfortable with them. When finding the right fit in your doula, one might take into consideration the shared background, age, communication styles, educational approach, gender and sexuality competence, and overall care and demeanor.
Ultimately, trusting your intuition and honoring your journey into motherhood, without feeling the need to justify or rationalize your feelings or concerns, is key. “You were this person before becoming a mother, so we’re going to hold that person and then hold your motherhood too,” Wade says.
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Featured image courtesy of Sabia Wade
