There is no better feeling than reclaiming your power. You know, taking back control of your life. I should know because I spent all of 2019 and most of 2020 reclaiming my power after I gracefully swan-dived into losing my identity. And that is one of the worst feelings in the world – to not know who you are, what you're doing, and why you're doing it. Losing your sense of "why" should be a sign in itself. But oftentimes you don't realize this until you're sitting in the dark crying your eyes out. Because it's in this moment you begin to realize you're on the verge of losing control of yourself if not already.
I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone, it's never easy, and it's never fun. It's one of the most uncomfortable things you will ever go through. But sometimes we need to go through a situation to understand our wants and needs. As I began to step into my power and purpose, the uncertainty in my decisions scared me at first. The unconventional route is a road less traveled – undesired, misunderstood, and judged. Little did I know everything would work out in my favor. And the level of control I have over my life right now is something I never dreamed of.
Here are a few things I learned, and I found helpful in my journey in taking back control of my own life. These things are never easy to do, but with practice it becomes easier. The art of self-awareness takes patience and making a conscious effort to spend time with yourself.
How To Feel More In Control Of Your Life
1.Trust Your Intuition
hip hop squares intuition GIF by VH1GiphyDecision-making is hard, especially when it comes to everyday life decisions. But one of the things I learned was to trust my intuition. You know that weird feeling in the pit of the stomach or the lightness you feel in your chest? Those are signs that something is right or wrong – let that guide you. The universe will confirm your decisions for you too. I remember the day I decided I was done letting a certain situation control me. The minute I chose to move forward with that hard decision, every other related life decision I said yes to started to make sense.
2.Ask For Help
GIF by Iyanla: Fix My LifeGiphyI am not one to ask for help, but I had to learn it's OK to ask for it. I was so used to figuring things out on my own. Because that's just me – my mother raised me to be self-sufficient always. But when you don't have the answer and you're unsure of your direction, know it's OK to seek guidance. Talk to family or friends you can trust or seek professional help from a life coach or a therapist. You'll discover the right techniques and tools you need to get your life back on track.
3.Check-In With Yourself
Don't let days, weeks, or months pass you by without taking a moment to check-in with you. It has to start here. Be aware of your feelings as you go through the process of gaining control of life. Ask yourself reflection questions to understand if the path you chose is working or if there is something you can change.
4.Be Selective With Everything
clueless alicia silverstone GIFGiphyProtect your time, space, energy, and more importantly your heart. When you are trying to gain control of your life, you have to be selfish AF. But I mean selfish in a good way. Be selective in how you spend your time and who you spend your time with too. Be selective with everything and everyone in your life periodt. Communicate to your squad that you're focusing on yourself and that getting your life right is the priority. Trust that the people in your circle will respect and understand your selfishness. Your family and friends will get it – because we all have gone through a period in life where we lose control. And if they don't get it – use boundaries or cut them off. It is what it is, and don't apologize for it.
5.Control Your Thoughts
happy the best GIF by @SummerBreakGiphyControlling your thoughts is probably the hardest step of all. This daily struggle is real too, but it is doable. What you think – is really what you become. You have to have a level of self-awareness to catch yourself when your mind starts to wander into confusion and negativity. The minute you start to think a negative thought, quickly switch to a positive thought or affirmation. It literally takes a second to get your mind right. Practice makes perfect – and it takes 21 days to create a new habit.
Taking control of your life takes time. It's not a quick fix, and it doesn't happen overnight. Find the strength to look in the mirror on the days you don't want to. You have to keep looking at your reflection until you are you again.
Knowing you're in control of your life is a power like no other. And knowing your life is truly yours is something that no one can take away from you.
Be empowered queen.
Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today!
Featured image by Shutterstock
- You Just Might Be A Control Freak (In Recovery) - xoNecole ... ›
- Take Responsibility For The Chaos You Create In Life - xoNecole ... ›
- 5 Steps To Take Control Of Your Career - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- 4 Ways I'm Reclaiming My Mind, Body & Spirit - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
When we talk via Zoom in late August, Lindsay, 38, has just returned from a lunch date with a friend, the type of midday social outing she’d never had time for previously. In a week, she’ll be heading to Europe for an Eat, Pray, Love trip. It’s the first time she’s had time to go to Europe in five years.
“You ask me what I have time to do? Take care of me,” she says, beaming.
In the past six years, Lindsay has made a lot of changes. After becoming the first Black woman to lead ABC’s Bachelorette dating series in 2017, she fell in love with Bryan Abasolo, the man she chose on the show, and married him. Enamored with the world of entertainment but also accustomed to the stability that being an attorney provided her, she returned to practicing law in her native Dallas, Texas, while pursuing media opportunities on the side.
For a time, Lindsay would fly herself to Connecticut to co-host ESPN’s Football Frenzy radio show. The role was perfect for the Dallas Cowboys fan and sports fanatic who majored in sports management and once dreamed of becoming an agent. In 2019, when she finally felt she’d saved enough money and made enough connections, she made the leap and left the legal profession behind, determined to bet on her entertainment dreams.
Working as an on-air correspondent for Extra was one of Lindsay’s first big roles as a full-time media personality. In this job, she interviewed celebrities such as Halle Bailey and Anthony Anderson. She also notably conducted the controversial interview with Bachelor host Chris Harrison that subsequently led to his departure from the franchise. After Harrison told Lindsay he felt people needed to have “grace” for a contestant who had attended an “Old South” party, Lindsay publicly announced her plans to distance herself from the series.
Today, she cites changes in Extra’s leadership and her responsibilities as the reason for her recent departure after three years. “I just didn’t fit within the new regime,” she reveals to xoNecole.
Lindsay is currently focusing her energy work-wise on her two podcasts with The Ringer Podcast Network, the Higher Learningshow with Van Lathan, and Morally Corrupt. Despite the extremely different subjects – Higher Learning touches on race and politics while Morally Corrupt finds Lindsay commenting on her favorite Bravo reality shows – she gushes when speaking about both, calling podcasting “the most liberating thing you can do.”
On Higher Learning, she’s challenged by her co-host, Lathan, to think in new ways. She’s regularly in conversation with prominent figures such as Tracee Ellis Ross and Billy Porter.
Lindsay, a “Bravoholic” whose favorite Real Housewives franchise is Potomac and whose favorite Housewife is Nene Leakes, is no less passionate about Morally Corrupt, even if the subject matter is much lighter. “I’ve always loved reality TV because it was such an escape from my real world. Part of me admired people who could put themselves out there in a way that I believed I never could, until I went on reality TV,” Lindsay says.
Courtesy of Rachel Lindsay
The podcast host says she never intended to find love when she went on The Bachelor, and she was surprised when she was asked to lead season 13 of The Bachelorette. Going from viewer to reality TV star quickly opened her eyes to the demands of being a public figure. After receiving initial criticism from viewers about choosing and marrying Bryan Abasolo, she realized she wanted to become more protective of certain aspects of her personal life.
“I quickly learned that we had to protect what we had, and stop trying to prove it to other people and convince people to know what we knew to be true,” she says. “I wish I could share more of my relationship. But the moment you do that, you have to continue to provide more and you have to continue to answer.”
In many ways, Lindsay benefited from being on a show like The Bachelorette, where the contestants are confined to a limited environment over a temporary amount of time. She says she doesn’t think she could ever be on a reality show where she’s expected to reveal all aspects of her life constantly. In fact, she says if she ever had pregnancy news or updates about her relationship with Abasolo, she wouldn’t make a big public announcement.
Since walking away from The Bachelor franchise, the former Bachelor Happy Hour host says she’s been approached to participate in recent seasons, specifically this year’s season with Black lead, Charity Lawson. Lindsay says she ultimately declined to participate. “I just started thinking I can have a relationship with Charity – whose number I do have and I have talked to – outside of the show. I don’t need to come on television to put that out there for other people,” she says.
Reflecting on her life today, Lindsay is trying to learn the benefits of being still. She’s not planning to do any on-air correspondent booked for the time being, and she’s not planning to release another book, the followup to the collection of essays Miss Me with That or the fictional Real Love.
As her 40th birthday approaches in a couple of years, she’s been thinking a lot about the popular quote, “You are, right now, as young as you'll ever be again” from the FX drama Fleishman Is in Trouble. If she does start on a new creative project, it might delve into this notion, she says. “I think I could do something in that space about adulthood and getting older and maybe questioning things in life because I think we all do it,” she tells xoNecole.
Lindsay is not rushing the process, though. For now, she’s remembering to rest and renew.
“We'll see what comes out of this state that I'm in.”
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image courtesy of Rachel Lindsay
