Throughout the years of penning for the platform, I’ve shared all kinds of things that I have experienced while being a marriage life coach. Interestingly enough, though, something that I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned is how many times a couple has found themselves in some sort of trouble because of a vacation trip that went awry or how often a single person has told me that they had some regrets after going on a trip with some friends.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that you can tell from the title of today’s article what I’m referring to, specifically, because although it might not be discussed a lot (and in my opinion, as often as it should be), lots of people do partake in what I call “casual vacation sex.”
Statistically? It’s been cited that somewhere around 30 percent of vacationers have admitted to having at least one one-night stand. And again, since some wives and single women alike have told me personally that they’ve done some things that they never thought they would while hanging out in another city (or country), since most individuals take vacations during this time of the year more than any other season and also since an ounce of prevention is certainly worth a pound of cure…if you’ve got some travel plans coming up and you want to be as safe and responsible as possible, when it comes to potential sexual activity, here are six questions that you absolutely should ask yourself — before anything goes down.
6 Questions To Ask Before Vacation Hookups
1. Why Am I Doing It?
GiphyAuthor Daniel H. Pink once said, “Asking ‘Why?’ can lead to understanding. Asking ‘Why not?’ can lead to breakthroughs.” That said, you can read my article, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'” to see what my personal thoughts are about casual sex and why I believe that it should be taken far more seriously than our culture prefers to. However, everyone is different and y’all are certainly grown and so, if casual sex is something that you are considering, well — because, as my mother used to say, the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do, it’s important to really ask yourself WHY you are about to do it.
So, you know what this means, right? You really should make a commitment to yourself to not put yourself in the position to have sex unless you are sober — or at least sober while making the decision to do it — because it’s a lot more difficult to be self-aware and self-reflective if/when you’re inebriated. You also need to try to understand what your reasons are beyond being horny, he looks good or you’ve always wanted to try it out. Because listen, as wonderful as the feeling of sex can be, there’s no way around the fact that it is an act that can totally change your life, not always in the ways that you would like it to, if you are not extremely careful.
So yes, know your “why” and then really understand it to the point of being able to clearly articulate it if/when asked. Typically, if you understand your motive for something, that makes it easier to deal with whatever comes from it.
2. Do I Have Realistic Expectations?
GiphyYears ago, one of my clients had a one-night stand with a guy while on a girls’ trip. As she ooh and aahed about how attractive he was and the strong connection they made (chile), I asked her two simple questions: “Did you cum?” Her answer was “no.” Have you heard from him since? Also, no. And that got her to really thinking because, in the midst of the excitement and adrenaline (along with some alcohol), she came to realize that the experience wasn’t really all that. They had sex multiple times and her satisfaction was not his priority. And even though they exchanged info, his actions afterwards proved that he didn’t want to stay in touch; that he was probably being polite more than anything else.
“I don’t know what I was expecting from the sex,” she said. “I just enjoyed someone new who I was really attracted to. I did expect to hear from him by now, though.” And to all of this, all I could do was shake my head. Having no expectations is how you get taken advantage of. Having unrealistic expectations is how you end up playing yourself.
That said, if you’re going to have sex with someone who you just met while you’re on vacation, you will spare your mind, body and soul a lot of disappointment if you set realistic expectations — not when it comes to him but how you plan to process him, before, during and afterwards. So yes, ask yourself what you expect from casual vacation sex and then mentally and emotionally prepare and discipline yourself to follow through with what those expectations are. Make sure they aren’t “movie” expectations (that you will automatically have chemistry and it will be a long-term connection…maybe, maybe not); that they are real ones (you don’t really know that man and so how it plays out is kind of a crap shoot).
3. Am I Taking Every Measure to Protect Myself?
GiphyA part of the reason why I wrote articles like “Can You Actually Get An STI/STD From Kissing? Yes. And No.” and “If You Have Herpes, When Should You Reveal It To A Potential Partner?” for the platform is because, with articles like “STIs, including syphilis, gonorrhea, increasing globally: WHO” (ABC News) being pretty easy to find out here in these internet streets, again, it’s important to not reenact some rom-com while engaging in vacation sex.
What I mean by that is, while it might look all hot and romantic to meet a guy at a bar, talk a bit and then, hours later, find yourself rolling around on the beach by some crashing waves in the middle of the night, those movies rarely show someone pulling out a condom and y’all, with STI/STDs still being alive and well, and the incubation period for some of them meaning that it could take months for it to show up — how much would it truly suck to have a great night and then find out, three months later, that he left you with more than an orgasm or two? And don’t even get me started on a potential positive sign on a pregnancy test.
Bring your own condoms. Require that they be used. And honestly, if I were you, I would invest in some rapid at-home STI/STD tests (like these here) to take along with you. They are kind of on the pricey side yet…can you really put a price tag on your health? EXACTLY.
4. Is It More About Inner Desire or (Peer) Pressure?
GiphyThere are two things that a lot of adult people bring along from their childhood that I will never really understand. First up — there are more than a few women who talk about wanting to be “spoiled” by a man when most of us were raised (and raise our own kids) to be the exact opposite of that (cognitive dissonance, much?). Next? Think about how many of us were told to not make a significant decision based on the pressure of our friends trying to get us to do it. Then reflect on many adults do whatever celebrities, social media or even their own friends are doing…simply because they are doing it. Whew, chile.
And that’s why, if you are going on vacation with a group of folks, you really should take note of the kind of people they are. If you’re married, do they trash relationships a lot? If you’re single, do they try to downplay certain standards and boundaries that you have, even when you deal with them on a local level?
Again, you’re grown and your body is certainly your own, so if you want to have sex while you’re on vacation, that is totally your right. Full stop. Just make sure that you are doing it because YOU want to do it — not because the guy is pressuring you or the people who you traveled with are encouraging you to do it. Oh, and please also hold close a motto that I made up years ago that I try to live by — “If your mind, body and spirit are not all in agreement…pause.” The way that right there will spare you so much potential drama and trauma? Words cannot express.
5. What Do I Want to Come from It?
GiphyA Polish poet by the name of Stanislaw Jerzy Lec once said, “You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories,” and y’all, when it comes to what we are talking about today, truer words have never been spoken. That said, if you’re someone who really and truly gets what the word “casual” or “fleeting” means and all you’re looking for is a moment of sexual release — do your thing.
However, say that you took your vacation to get over an ex or to have a temporary escape from something stressful that you are going through. If that is the case, you could be using sex to make you feel holistically better — and that could end up backfiring on you in the long-run if there is no sexual compatibility, the guy doesn’t treat you as intently as you would’ve wanted or you find yourself “editing” the memories of the experience to make it bigger than it was…which makes it harder to get over.
Knowing what you want and being honest with yourself about whether or not something is worth the risk to see if it will meet that desire is where the big kids play. And since you’re a grown woman…well.
6. Am I Prepared for Potentially Unforeseen Fallout?
GiphyIf you read between the lines, you caught that some married clients of mine have had flings while on vacation (without their spouse). Some were emotional affairs. Some consisted of drunken sex. Some were oral sex exchanges. All ended up being highly problematic on some level. One client ended up divorced. Another ended up with herpes. Another…the husband is currently deciding if he wants to remain married or not.
And that’s the thing about sex — even if you go into the act with a clear mind, even if you use protection, because the act has so many layers to it, sometimes the consequences of the act can end up manifesting in ways that you never would’ve expected…because a single client of mine ended up having casual sex with a guy who wouldn’t leave her alone to the point where she had to get a restraining order months after returning home. SMDH.
Most of us have heard of Isaac Newton's Third Law of Motion: “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” This is DEFINITELY something to keep in mind when it comes to partaking in casual vacation sex, okay? Please, for the sake of every single part of you, you make sure that you do.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And so, since this is the time of year when catching a cold (and/or the flu) is common, let’s talk about the impact that sleep (and again, a lack thereof) has on your immune system. That way, you can remain as healthy as possible during the fall and winter seasons.
1. Less Sleep Means More Colds
GiphyLike I stated in the intro, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard somewhere that the fall and winter are the seasons when people are most susceptible to catching a cold or coming down with the flu. And that’s exactly why I thought I would start this all off by sharing the fact that some studies reveal that if you get less than six hours of sleep, on a consistent basis, you end up making yourself more vulnerable to coming down with both. In fact, some research says that only 18 percent of people who get six-plus hours of rest caught a cold while almost 40 percent who got less than that did.
The logic behind it all is sleep gives your body time to build up the proteins and cells (like cytokines and T-cells) that you need to fight off certain viruses. So, if nothing bothers you more than having a stuffy nose or stubborn cough when it’s cold outside, getting more sleep is one way to prevent that from happening to you.
2. Less Sleep Means More Allergy Symptoms
GiphyAt the end of the day, an allergy is basically what transpires whenever your immune system “overreacts” to something that other people’s systems do not. And since sleep is what helps to keep your immune system nice and strong — well, I’m sure you get how less allergy-related symptoms and more sleep go hand in hand. Also, since sleep helps to decrease bodily inflammation (more on that in a bit) and inflammation can also intensify allergy symptoms, that’s just one more reason to get as much shut-eye as possible.
3. Less Sleep Means Potential Diabetes and Heart Disease
GiphyDid you know that in 2024, Black women were diagnosed with diabetes 24 percent more than any other adult demographic. Also, it continues to be a reality that heart disease is the leading cause of death for Black women. These two sobering statistics alone should be enough of an incentive to do whatever you can to keep the risk of diabetes and heart disease way down.
One way to do that is by getting more sleep. Aside from the fact that sleep strengthens your immune system to where it is easier for you to fight off illness and diseases, sleep can keep your blood sugar levels in a healthy space; plus, when it comes to your heart, it gives it, along with your arteries and blood vessels a break.
4. Less Sleep Means Less Time for Your Body to Push “Reset”
GiphyIf you really stopped to consider all that your body goes through during the day (you can read some about that here), you definitely would respect it enough to do your best to thank it by giving it no less than six hours of sleep, each and every night. Sleep is what helps to slow your brain and body down so they are able to “refuel” for the next day. After all, how can your body prevent you from getting sick if your immune system is too worn out to fight ailments off? Exactly.
5. More Sleep Helps You to Fight Off Infections
GiphySpeaking of, in order for your body to fight off infections, there are certain cells and antibodies within you that need to be healthy and strong — one way that they get and stay that way is by you getting a good amount of sleep. For instance, remember when I touched on cytokines earlier? Well, the same way that they help to prevent colds, they also help to prevent infections too. And since sleep lowers your cortisol (stress) levels, rest gives your body the time and space to build up an army that can fight off free radicals and other health-related challenges while you are awake.
6. More Sleep Lowers Bodily Inflammation
GiphyWhenever a health-related issue is mentioned on this platform, inflammation is something that is mentioned quite a bit. Probably the easiest way to explain inflammation is it’s how your body responds/reacts whenever something is happening to your body that shouldn’t be, whether it’s an illness, an injury, a germ or something that you may be allergic to.
If you happen to have chronic inflammation, some symptoms that are associated with that include fatigue, stiff joints, skin rashes, weight gain and moodiness.
The interesting thing about all of this is if you aren’t getting enough rest, you could be triggering inflammation in your body. That’s because studies reveal that a lack of sleep can elevate molecules that are associated with inflammation. So, if you don’t want inflammation to increase within your system, you should definitely catch more zzz’s.
7. More Sleep Regulates Hormones
GiphyWhen it comes to hormones like serotonin, estrogen and cortisol, believe it or not, they play a role in how your immune system acts and overreacts. That’s because, if your hormones are out of balance, that can cause your immune system to work harder than it actually should and that can make you more vulnerable to sickness. One way to keep your hormones leveled out? SLEEP.
That’s because sleep gives your body the opportunity to rest, repair and restore your hormone levels. On the other hand, when you are sleep deprived, that can put/keep your hormones on the ultimate roller coaster ride. #notgood
8. More Sleep Strengthens Vaccines
flu shot GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you’re someone who is good for getting some sort of vaccine around this time of the year, make sure that you rest up before and after getting your shots. Not only does adequate rest before a vaccination help your immune system to be better receptive to your shots but sleep also helps your body to build up enough antibodies to make your vaccinations effective after getting them. Because if you’re gonna get pricked, shouldn’t it be worth it? My thoughts exactly.
Get some freakin’ sleep! Your immune system depends on it.
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