Ask Yourself The Following 6 Questions Before Engaging In 'Casual Vacation Sex'

1. Why Am I Doing It?

Author Daniel H. Pink once said, “Asking ‘Why?’ can lead to understanding. Asking ‘Why not?’ can lead to breakthroughs.” That said, you can read my article, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'” to see what my personal thoughts are about casual sex and why I believe that it should be taken far more seriously than our culture prefers to. However, everyone is different and y’all are certainly grown and so, if casual sex is something that you are considering, well — because, as my mother used to say, the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do, it’s important to really ask yourself WHY you are about to do it.

So, you know what this means, right? You really should make a commitment to yourself to not put yourself in the position to have sex unless you are sober — or at least sober while making the decision to do it — because it’s a lot more difficult to be self-aware and self-reflective if/when you’re inebriated. You also need to try to understand what your reasons are beyond being horny, he looks good or you’ve always wanted to try it out. Because listen, as wonderful as the feeling of sex can be, there’s no way around the fact that it is an act that can totally change your life, not always in the ways that you would like it to, if you are not extremely careful.

So yes, know your “why” and then really understand it to the point of being able to clearly articulate it if/when asked. Typically, if you understand your motive for something, that makes it easier to deal with whatever comes from it.

2. Do I Have Realistic Expectations?

Years ago, one of my clients had a one-night stand with a guy while on a girls’ trip. As she ooh and aahed about how attractive he was and the strong connection they made (chile), I asked her two simple questions: “Did you cum?” Her answer was “no.” Have you heard from him since? Also, no. And that got her to really thinking because, in the midst of the excitement and adrenaline (along with some alcohol), she came to realize that the experience wasn’t really all that. They had sex multiple times and her satisfaction was not his priority. And even though they exchanged info, his actions afterwards proved that he didn’t want to stay in touch; that he was probably being polite more than anything else.

“I don’t know what I was expecting from the sex,” she said. “I just enjoyed someone new who I was really attracted to. I did expect to hear from him by now, though.” And to all of this, all I could do was shake my head. Having no expectations is how you get taken advantage of. Having unrealistic expectations is how you end up playing yourself.

That said, if you’re going to have sex with someone who you just met while you’re on vacation, you will spare your mind, body and soul a lot of disappointment if you set realistic expectations — not when it comes to him but how you plan to process him, before, during and afterwards. So yes, ask yourself what you expect from casual vacation sex and then mentally and emotionally prepare and discipline yourself to follow through with what those expectations are. Make sure they aren’t “movie” expectations (that you will automatically have chemistry and it will be a long-term connection…maybe, maybe not); that they are real ones (you don’t really know that man and so how it plays out is kind of a crap shoot).

3. Am I Taking Every Measure to Protect Myself?

A part of the reason why I wrote articles like “Can You Actually Get An STI/STD From Kissing? Yes. And No.” and “If You Have Herpes, When Should You Reveal It To A Potential Partner?” for the platform is because, with articles like “STIs, including syphilis, gonorrhea, increasing globally: WHO” (ABC News) being pretty easy to find out here in these internet streets, again, it’s important to not reenact some rom-com while engaging in vacation sex.

What I mean by that is, while it might look all hot and romantic to meet a guy at a bar, talk a bit and then, hours later, find yourself rolling around on the beach by some crashing waves in the middle of the night, those movies rarely show someone pulling out a condom and y’all, with STI/STDs still being alive and well, and the incubation period for some of them meaning that it could take months for it to show up — how much would it truly suck to have a great night and then find out, three months later, that he left you with more than an orgasm or two? And don’t even get me started on a potential positive sign on a pregnancy test.

Bring your own condoms. Require that they be used. And honestly, if I were you, I would invest in some rapid at-home STI/STD tests (like these here) to take along with you. They are kind of on the pricey side yet…can you really put a price tag on your health? EXACTLY.

4. Is It More About Inner Desire or (Peer) Pressure?

There are two things that a lot of adult people bring along from their childhood that I will never really understand. First up — there are more than a few women who talk about wanting to be “spoiled” by a man when most of us were raised (and raise our own kids) to be the exact opposite of that (cognitive dissonance, much?). Next? Think about how many of us were told to not make a significant decision based on the pressure of our friends trying to get us to do it. Then reflect on many adults do whatever celebrities, social media or even their own friends are doing…simply because they are doing it. Whew, chile.

And that’s why, if you are going on vacation with a group of folks, you really should take note of the kind of people they are. If you’re married, do they trash relationships a lot? If you’re single, do they try to downplay certain standards and boundaries that you have, even when you deal with them on a local level?

Again, you’re grown and your body is certainly your own, so if you want to have sex while you’re on vacation, that is totally your right. Full stop. Just make sure that you are doing it because YOU want to do it — not because the guy is pressuring you or the people who you traveled with are encouraging you to do it. Oh, and please also hold close a motto that I made up years ago that I try to live by — “If your mind, body and spirit are not all in agreement…pause.” The way that right there will spare you so much potential drama and trauma? Words cannot express.

5. What Do I Want to Come from It?

A Polish poet by the name of Stanislaw Jerzy Lec once said, “You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories,” and y’all, when it comes to what we are talking about today, truer words have never been spoken. That said, if you’re someone who really and truly gets what the word “casual” or “fleeting” means and all you’re looking for is a moment of sexual release — do your thing.

However, say that you took your vacation to get over an ex or to have a temporary escape from something stressful that you are going through. If that is the case, you could be using sex to make you feel holistically better — and that could end up backfiring on you in the long-run if there is no sexual compatibility, the guy doesn’t treat you as intently as you would’ve wanted or you find yourself “editing” the memories of the experience to make it bigger than it was…which makes it harder to get over.

Knowing what you want and being honest with yourself about whether or not something is worth the risk to see if it will meet that desire is where the big kids play. And since you’re a grown woman…well.

6. Am I Prepared for Potentially Unforeseen Fallout?

If you read between the lines, you caught that some married clients of mine have had flings while on vacation (without their spouse). Some were emotional affairs. Some consisted of drunken sex. Some were oral sex exchanges. All ended up being highly problematic on some level. One client ended up divorced. Another ended up with herpes. Another…the husband is currently deciding if he wants to remain married or not.

And that’s the thing about sex — even if you go into the act with a clear mind, even if you use protection, because the act has so many layers to it, sometimes the consequences of the act can end up manifesting in ways that you never would’ve expected…because a single client of mine ended up having casual sex with a guy who wouldn’t leave her alone to the point where she had to get a restraining order months after returning home. SMDH.

Most of us have heard of Isaac Newton's Third Law of Motion: “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” This is DEFINITELY something to keep in mind when it comes to partaking in casual vacation sex, okay? Please, for the sake of every single part of you, you make sure that you do.

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