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Now, before we go all in, let me also say that although oftentimes, when we talk about the poison (because that is what toxic means, right?) relationships in our life, it tends to be from the angle of a romantic one, these can apply to any type of relational dynamic including relatives, friends, and co-workers. So please, as you’re processing all of these definitions, don’t just ask yourself if you and/or your bae do these things to one another; ponder if you’ve got any kind of connection with someone who resembles any of this…because, if you do, it’s time to make some serious changes. Because poison (toxicity), in any form, is good for absolutely no one.
1. "Fauxpology"
GiphyHell, when I first got introduced to the concept of a “fauxpology,” I got triggered just looking at the damn word. LOL. The reality is that, although it sucks for someone to have done you hurt or harm and not even say “I’m sorry” for it, what’s even worse is for them to apologize and not really mean it. And just how do you know that they didn’t? Making excuses or trying to justify their actions equates to a fauxpology. Trying to find a way to turn you into the victimizer and them the victim in the process (for instance, “I only did that because you…”) is a fauxpology. The oh-so-very arrogant, “Look, I’ve already apologized for this; I’m not going to do it again” is a fauxpology.
Trying to gaslight you into thinking that what you know happened didn’t happen that way within their so-called apology is a fauxpology. Finding every way in the world to apologize, BUT actually doing it is a fauxpology. And a problem with all of these is it’s rooted in not taking personal accountability — which almost guarantees that the individual who owes you a genuine apology is going to repeat what they did to you, some way, on some level…again. If not immediately, eventually, chile.
2. "Hoovering"
GiphyNow that I’ve completed my (third) book, it has truly tripped me out how much I’m discussing narcissism and narcissistic abuse. The truth is, several people in my world had me caught up in their destructive patterns, and I didn’t even know it because I hadn’t studied narcissism at the level that I have now — and boy, is hoovering a tactic that narcissists like to use pretty often.
Basically, "hoovering" is what happens when you attempt to set boundaries with someone who isn’t very healthy for you, and once they see that is what you are doing, they find ways to try and reel you back in. They might do it by love bombing you (giving you a ton of attention and affection at first, just to regain your trust), trying to make you feel guilty, acting like nothing happened in the first place (which is just another form of gaslighting at the end of the day); invalidating your emotions by making light of what they did (or light of how you feel about what they did); making plans involving the two of you without asking your permission to do so (toxic relatives are good for this type of ish), and/or getting your loved ones involved in order to put more stress on you.
One of the biggest problems with hoovering is that the person doing it is so concerned with getting their own needs met that they will totally railroad yours to make it happen — if you let them, that is.
3. "Double Bind"
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GiphyIt’s hilarious how many articles reference the phrase that definitely comes to mind whenever I think of someone who likes to “double bind” someone else:damned if you do, damned if you don’t. And just why is this so fitting? Well, a double bind (as far as a relationship is concerned) is when someone sends conflicting messages. For instance, when people lead with compliments and then follow that up with insults (“You’re smart ‘n all but you do some really dumb stuff a lot”), how exactly are you supposed to process that information? Exactly. Honestly, one of the first things that comes to my mind are divorced parents who say some of the dumbest stuff to their children: “I can’t stand your father. He loves you, though.”
Yeah, some of y’all need to see a therapist and quit using your children as sounding boards (it’s just another form of emotional abuse that perhaps I will unpack at another time). Another example is when people will say one thing while their tone conveys something totally different (in walks sarcasm and/or cynicism). If after someone walks away from an individual the first thing that comes to mind is they are in a no-win dynamic, more times than not, it means that they are caught up in a double bind. And anything (or one) that constantly causes you to feel confused or defeated? Some toxicity is brewing, for sure.
4. "Engulfment"
GiphyIf you’re someone who is familiar with attachment styles in relationships, you might’ve heard of engulfment before. Probably the easiest way to define this is it’s an extreme form of codependency and a close relative of love addiction. The reason why I say that is because engulfment is basically about being so immersed or caught up in someone that you become more reliant on them than you actually should be. Hmph. A real danger with engulfment is when the lines between two people become so blurred that they lose their identities, which is known as enmeshment. When this goes down, both people find themselves throwing boundaries out the window which is never wise or good.
What are some telltale signs of engulfment as far as a relationship is concerned? If you or your partner feel like you have to take responsibility for each other’s emotions (“You MADE me say this” or “You MAKE me do that”) or your total sense of self-worth is wrapped up in each other, you are caught up in engulfment/enmeshment — and yes, that is a huge red flag. It sets you up to make an idol out of your partner or your relationship…and no one or nothing should be put on that kind of pedestal.
5. "Relational Hypervigilance"
GiphyHands down, one of my favorite quotes is, “Adulthood is surviving childhood,” and this definitely complements the need to avoid relational hypervigilance. I say that because folks who have past trauma, abandonment issues, deep insecurities, or problems with trusting others (all of which can come from a dysfunctional childhood) are prone to fall for this particular type of behavior.
That said, relational hypervigilance is all about someone being so anxious in the relationship that they come off as low-key paranoid or controlling — you know, going through your phone, wanting all of your passcodes and passwords, blaming you for doing things that they’ve conjured up in their mind because they worry a lot.
As a result, they keep their partner on eggshells, which draws a wedge between them and their partner, which causes them to become more distrustful and their partner to become drained and even resentful.
More than anything, relational hypervigilance is a vicious cycle. This is actually one of the reasons why I am not a fan of people thinking that it is someone’s job to “show their love” by constantly reassuring their partner. It is not anyone’s responsibility to make you feel more secure and self-assured about yourself than you are willing to on your own. Unfortunately, since relational hypervigilance is so rampant, folks have normalized it instead of realizing just how unhealthy it actually is.
6. "Mutual Assured Destruction"
GiphyThis is rooted in a military concept. Basically, mutual assured destruction is the thought process that two sides can ultimately destroy each other based on their actions, regardless of who went on the attack first. As far as relationships go, while on the surface, this can look like nothing more than two people who choose (because it is always a choice) to fight dirty, mutual assured destruction can manifest in a more cryptic way as well: codependency. Probably one of the biggest issues in a problematic marriage is when the relationship has — pardon the pun — gone MAD. The cryptic thing about it, relationally, is it typically shows up with two opposite approaches draining one another.
For instance, one person might be seen as the savior and hero while the other is seen as the “sinner” or victim. While the savior is able to feel powerful, the sinner is able to feel protected. Another way that this “works” is if one person handles all of the finances while the other is totally reliant on them; the first person can control the dynamic while the other person may become needy or helpless.
The main thing to keep in mind about "mutual assured destruction" is the motive and intent of things that are said and done — oh, and if a particular pattern or habit is hurting the relationship instead of helping it…because, real talk, some people stay in connection with certain other people only because they are used to them; not because they are actually good for them.
7. "Devaluation"
GiphyThis last one is something else because it kind of has another side to its coin — one that is also relationally counterproductive. So, where’s the deal: devaluation is about exaggerating someone’s flaws while idealization is about playing up their good points too much. You know, I’ve shared before that one of my favorite quotes is “The excess of a virtue is a vice,” and when it comes to idealization, that would certainly apply. And just what could be wrong with complimenting someone too much? Well, the motive and reason(s) are what I’m curious about; I’ll explain.
Not too long ago, I watched a sex trafficking documentary calledTricked(on Tubi). One of the things that it kept bringing up is the pattern of a pimp: how they will first idealize a woman (especially one who they can tell has low self-esteem) and then, once she is reliant on them, they start to devalue her. Suddenly, they no longer see her good qualities; now, all they want to focus on is her bad points or flaws, so she feels so low that she doesn’t have the mental and emotional strength to leave. This doesn’t just happen in the trafficking world; unfortunately, far too many people do their partners the same way.
First, they pile on the flattering to earn their trust, and then they start to hone in on their flaws (or simply what they don’t like about them, which isn’t always or automatically the same thing) to put their partner in the position of wanting to do more for them in order to keep them around. Managers and supervisors can do this, too (check out “Ever Wonder If You've Got An Emotionally Abusive Boss?”). They’ll tell you all kinds of stuff about how awesome you are (without giving you a promotion or raise) to get you to do more work; then, when you decide to stand up for yourself and want more, suddenly, you’re the one who is problematic (insert eye rolls here).
Bottom line with devaluation is, 8 times out of 10, if you’re not feeling valued in a particular type of relationship that you are in — you are probably right.
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Author and speaker Steve Maraboli once said, “Don’t confuse 'familiar' with 'acceptable.' Toxic relationships can fool you like that.” Y’all, he ain’t neva lied. Sometimes, we stay in toxic situations with folks because we don’t have the strength to leave. Other times, it’s because there are still some perks to staying (I’ll have to delve into that at another time). And then, sometimes, we do it because, although we know something isn’t quite right, we aren’t able to fully pinpoint or clearly articulate what is going on.
Hopefully, this quick list will help to shed some light for some of you if you’ve been knowing that something with someone in your life is “off” — you just haven’t been able to define what it is. Because the sooner you can call out what is toxic, the sooner you can shift or remove it altogether. And the sooner that happens? FREEDOM. Guaranteed.
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