Before You Marry Him, Check Out His Relationships With Other Folks
There's a spiritual sistah (that's what I call someone I like but we're not exactly friends) who, whenever we see each other, we talk about how much of a bullet that I dodged that she didn't. Without getting into too much detail (because you never really know who reads internet copy, do you?), there are a few times when I got mad cool with someone while they were dating a relative of someone I was seeing. Well, in this case, I broke up with my boyfriend while "she" ended up marrying one of his relatives.
Her husband? He's another article for another time (chile…CHILE). But what she and I can both vouch for is a part of the reason why he is so, let's go with the word "challenging" is, in a nutshell, his family is cray-cray (meaning toxic). So are some of the other people in his world. So yeah, in many ways, not marrying his relative was such a blessing. If for no other reason than dodging all of the constant familial drama.
My spiritual sistah is not alone, though. A good friend of mine—one who is totally in love with her husband—tells me, in the form of a warning, at least once a week to really investigate a man's family before jumping the broom with him. Long story short, her husband has such an unhealthy relationship with his mother that it can be really difficult to tell who is the top priority in his life (for the record, it's supposed to be his wife).
As a marriage life coach, I'd hate for you to put a ring on your finger and then wonder what kind of Twilight Zone you are in all due to your hubby's other relationships; ones that you didn't pay nearly enough attention to before marrying him. So, before even contemplating saying "I do", take out a moment—or two or 10—to see what his connections are like with the following 10 dynamics. I can assure that you'll be close to floored by how much the pre-work could spare you so much regret on the back-end.
His Relationship with His Mom
There are some sayings that seem to stick, even if they aren't the best kind of advice to take. Take "How a man treats his mama is how he'll treat you", for example. In theory, that should be accurate but listen, I have counseled more than my fair share of couples who are at their wit's end all because the husband puts his mom before his wife (emotionally, financially and otherwise). I also know some single men who are so "devoted" to their moms (which typically means that their moms are also either manipulative or controlling) that they have no clue how to have a healthy (or lasting) relationship with another woman.
So no. I wouldn't say that just because a man adores his mom that you'll automatically be treated like royalty. My personal opinion is to watch more than if he treats her well. Also pay attention to if there are established boundaries, mutual respect, if she loves him like a son while treating him like her man and if he can make decisions without always needing her input or agreement. If that is the case, mom did a pretty good job of preparing him for a wife. If not…at the very least, push pause. A long hard pause.
His Relationship with His Dad
I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I am not the one who co-signs on single mothers who say, "I am the mother and the father" to their kids. You may be a supermom, but you were not created to be your child's father—that's their father's job. That said, I remember once hearing that a man is his child's first understanding of God in the sense that the Bible describes God as our Father (Matthew 6:9). I like that because the Most High is presented as someone who loves us, provides for us and protects us.
Where am I going with this? I know some very phenomenal men who have emotional and commitment issues out of the wazoo; it starts with the fact that they didn't have a relationship with their dad. As a result, they learned the hard (or wrong) way about how to be a man and/or how to treat a woman.
I'll be the first to say that just because someone had both of their parents in their life, that doesn't mean they had the best example of adulthood or intimacy. At the same time, what I will also say is it's important to put just as much effort into learning about a man's relationship with his father as his mother. A man by the name of Frank A. Clark once said, "A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be." A man has to be around—and then active as a parent—in order for that to happen.
His Relationship with His Siblings
There's something very special and endearing about the relationship people have with their brothers and sisters. That is, if the relationship is healthy. The reason why this is something you should pay close attention to is that some people allow their older siblings to come really close to controlling their life, while other people want to spend darn near every hour of every waking day with one or more of their siblings. Then there are the siblings who are uber nosey or the siblings who feel like your partner should have more allegiance to them than to you. Oh, and let's not forget the families where, there is so much dysfunction among siblings that, if your man doesn't know how to say "back up" or "no", all you're gonna do is bring a boatload of stress into your life if you choose to marry him.
A lot of people know that it's a good idea to not ignore the relationship their partner has with their parents. But don't underestimate the drama that can come from someone who has an unhealthy relationship with their siblings as well.
His Relationship with His Best Friend
Another unpopular opinion? I'm not big on married people referring to someone other than their spouse as their "best friend". It's because I'm big on words and if you're choosing to share your life, heart and body with someone for the rest of your life, they definitely should be your friend and I'd think that would put them into the best spot being that best means "of the highest quality, excellence, or standing" and "most advantageous, suitable, or desirable". That doesn't mean that your former besties aren't still special. I just think that they become good/close friends after you say "I do".
Whether you agree with me or not, still here's a word of caution. Watch how close a man you're dating is with their BFF before marrying him. Just like a man's parents, sometimes besties hold more weight and influence than they should and if, for some reason, they are not very fond of you, that can wreak all kinds of havoc.
The first example that comes to mind right here is LeToya Luckett's "Back to Life" video. If you've never seen it, LeToya's man (in the video) has a female best friend who not-so-low-key has feelings for him. It ultimately breaks LeToya and her boyfriend up.
A good best friend wants their best friend to find love. They will make necessary adjustments in order for that to happen. Make sure that when it comes to your man and his BFF—whether it's male or female—that that is exactly what's happening between the two of them.
His Relationship with His Female Friends
Personally, I think it's healthy for married people to not only have friends, but friends of the opposite sex. Getting another person who is the same gender as your spouse's perspective on things can be super beneficial and even time-consuming. The key is to make sure that the female friends "in question" respect your relationship, have no romantic history (or that it's resolved romantic history that you are fully aware of and OK with) and that you have access to them in some form or fashion.
If everything is on the up and up, even if you and your man's female friends aren't exactly buddies while you're dating, you will know who they are, they'll make you feel comfortable in your presence and they will have no problem interacting with you, when he's around and when he's not.
If you're already seeing flags in these areas, he needs to handle it. These are not the kinds of things that will automatically go away once he is your husband and you are his wife.
His Relationship with His Pastor
I'll be the first one to say that just because someone goes to church, that doesn't mean they have the healthiest relationship with God or just because someone doesn't, that doesn't mean they and the Lord aren't in a good place. If you read online news (cough, cough), you'll see PLENTY of examples of churches and leaders in them who could stand some therapy and time in the pews rather than in the pulpit.
So, when I say that you should pay attention to your man's relationship with this pastor (or worship head if he's not a Christian), by no means am I saying that he has to have one. What I am saying is, if he does, pay attention to how he speaks about the leadership. Is he receptive? Does he humble himself to messages that personally apply? Or does it seem like he's bucking the pastor and his church at every turn? The flip side to this coin is does he respect this pastor or does he treat him like an idol? Does he refer to him in certain situations or does he not know how to make a decision without his pastor's input? Does he worship at a certain church or does he basically live there?
With the first set of questions that I asked, it could show signs of your man having a really hard time dealing with authoritative figures. And yeah, be leery of anyone who always wants to lead but can never seem to be led. With the second, your man may not know that having a relationship with God doesn't mean that you have to put your all and everything into a church (especially ahead of your own family). Either way, you're in for quite the bumpy ride of you underestimate all of what I just shared.
His Relationship with His Exes
Why is this one on the list? In part, because of an article that was featured on our site a couple of years ago—"Why Staying Friends with an Ex Is Okay (& Healthy)". I know some people who are still friends with one or more of their exes, so I'm not knocking it. So long as the past remains in the past, do your thing.
Now, I will say that the word "friend" is a big one to me, so I don't give a ton of folks—male or female—that title. And, because of the sacredness of it, I'm not really out here trying to be friends with someone who's seen me naked and heard me have an orgasm. Intimacy was once shared and most of my exes are still as fine as when I left them; therefore, firm boundaries must be set. Still, I do strive to remain at peace and to be able to hug them if I see them in the mall (only two get the death stare these days). We're cool.
But no matter what side of the fence you're on about keeping exes in your life, I do think it's worth mentioning that you should pay attention to (and ask questions when and where needed) your man's relationship with his ex(es). Are they close or just social media connected? Does he plan on them coming to his wedding someday? Why did he break up with her/them and are there still some unresolved feelings?
I'll be real with y'all. I think a part of the reason why I'm still single is because I had some heart pieces that certain exes still had a hold of. It's working at a disadvantage (and that's putting it lightly) to enter into something serious with someone who is still unresolved, on any level, with one or more of their exes. Don't assume. Discuss it.
His Relationship with His Co-Workers
Years ago, I went to someone premarital classes for singles at a local church. The requirement was that you couldn't be in a relationship in order to attend them because they wanted us to look at relationships without romanticizing them based on the situation we were currently in. Anyway, a lot of what was shared was straight up common sense concepts like, "If a man doesn't show up to work on time, why would you expect him to come home on time?" (I'm sayin'.)
Unless your man works at home, he's probably dealing with an office full of people during most of his waking hours. Does he respect his employer by being responsible? Does he get along well with his co-workers? (Has he ever dated any of his co-workers?) Does he take pride in his work? Shoot, does he enjoy his profession? Don't underestimate how a man's professional life rolls over into his personal life. If he's consistently dissatisfied during business hours, it's pretty unrealistic to expect him to soar when he's off of the clock.
His Relationship with His Enemies
There's a Catholic writer from back in the day by the name of G.K. Chesterton who said something that is oh so true—"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people." Sometimes the people we love the most get on our last nerve; sometimes, at the same time.
That's not the kind of "enemy" I'm referring to. What I'm saying is pay attention to what he says about people he's had big issues with. Does he hold grudges? Is he vindictive or even just plain ole' petty (you might be surprised by how many men are; I personally know more than a few)? Does he tend to take the violent approach? Maybe he suppresses and then explodes on everyone around him, but who he's actually mad at.
Just like you can tell a lot about a man by how he treats the people he likes, you can tell a ton about that same man based on if he's able to forgive, release matters and be chill (have boundaries but still be chill) in an enemy's presence.
If you sleep on this particular point, you might end up being caught totally off guard if he falls out with one of your family members or, God forbid, the two of you end things. Just sayin'.
His Relationship with Himself
A while back, I penned a post on the site entitled "6 Signs You Love A Man (Who Doesn't Love Himself)". If I could print it off and send it to every single woman (who desires to be in a relationship with a man), I would. I'll be the first to say that I know some pretty amazing men who would be HORRIBLE HUSBANDS (and yes, I am yelling that!); it's all because they are not in touch enough with themselves to be out here trying to lead and protect another human being.
The article I backlinked touches on how to know if a man doesn't love himself. Signs that a man does include he's open and honest; he practices self-forgiveness; he's not afraid to ask for what it he wants—personally or professionally; he makes his spiritual growth and development a top priority; he understands the power and purpose of intimacy—both inside and outside of the bedroom; he doesn't tolerate toxicity within himself or others; he has lasting friendships; he knows how to be alone (and enjoy it); he's not afraid of love; he's confident without being arrogant; he embraces life—you get the gist.
It all boils down to this—I don't care how wonderful a man appears to be. Before you jump a broom with him, make sure that he loves his God and himself and that he makes a concerted effort to cultivate lasting intimacy with both on a daily basis. Because a man is not even close to being marriage material with you until he is healthy and happy within himself and with his Creator. You can take that to the bank, baby.
Featured image by Getty Images
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One Overlooked Yet Obvious Indicator That A Man Is Husband Material
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Behind The Veil: Brides Get Real About The Hidden Cost Of Wedding Planning
As more attention and concern has been given to mental health over the past few years, the trend seems to have taken its time when it comes to wedding planning. Though one of the most joyous times of a woman’s life, becoming a bride also includes a lot of stress—and most social media content glosses over it.
“I scrubbed TikTok for the better part of a year, and 90% of the content is just about saving money, what not to do and trends,” one bride recalled. “But there was really nothing about how to take care of yourself.”
Extensive research has been done on the state of the modern wedding, and the financial findings alone are enough to cause strain. According to research from The Wedding Report, U.S. wedding costs rose by 3% in 2023 to over $30,000, which is nearly half the country’s average salary. In a study of almost 10,000 couples conducted by The Knot, wedding costs in large cities like New York and Los Angeles peaked at $63,000 and $48,000, respectively.
“I feel like they're taking advantage of a happy moment,” another bride admits. “We hire photographers on the daily, we hire videographers on the daily. We know what a normal day rate is. But just because you put the term 'wedding' on it, the prices are doubled.”
The Knot’s study also includes stats that put interpersonal stress into perspective. With the average wedding including 115 guests, most couples also had at least eight bridesmaids and groomsmen. The study also confirmed that 75% of couples’ foremost concern was whether or not their “guests are well taken care of and have a good time.” All of this can put inordinate pressure on relationships—so much so that couples seek therapy.
“I don't think people really talk about things like, ‘Hey, perhaps you should be in therapy while you're doing this,’” yet another bride confesses. “Of course, some people are in premarital therapy, but I had to be in individual therapy right around the time of the wedding planning as well because it was just a burnout situation.”
In an effort to share more authentic stories about the wedding planning process, we asked four brides to anonymously share their experiences. From destination weddings to a pandemic micro wedding, here is the real tea on just how much a wedding can affect one’s mental health.
raisazwart/ Getty Images
BRIDE #1
There’s a lie that they tell you, that destination weddings are cheaper—they're not. The amount of money that was due upfront for things was definitely a stressor. Even with my fiancé and I collectively grossing over $200,000, I knew I was going to have to get a second job if I wanted things the way that I wanted them.
For my bachelorette, I was met with a lot of resistance from my bridesmaids out the gate. There were just too many opinions for me; it got to the point where I was so fed up with my bridal party that I had other friends outside of my wedding party helping me with things. There were even bridesmaids who were actually cool with each other at first, and now don't deal with each other at all. I also just look at certain friendships differently now.
Then there’s just way too much pressure on brides to look perfect—to be skinny, to have flawless skin, to have the whitest teeth, to have the best hair. I really feel like that was a stressor. I was trying to stay consistent in the gym; I was doing it as much as possible. I spent so much money on skincare, new body scrubs, lotions, and oils, trying to make sure that I was perfect. I also made sure I got my teeth whitened every three months. It got to the point where I was dreading getting my dress fitted because I wasn't the weight or the shape that I felt like I needed to be in order to be ‘perfect.’
"Then there’s just way too much pressure on brides to look perfect—to be skinny, to have flawless skin, to have the whitest teeth, to have the best hair. I really feel like that was a stressor."
My partner and I were in couples counseling at the same time that we were wedding planning. And I think, for the most part, he was involved as much as he was going to be. But then, he lost his mom, and the entire weight of the wedding fell on me. A couple of months before the wedding, I had a breakdown. It was too much to carry. I definitely took on this superwoman armor, and it stressed me the fuck out.
Days before we left, we had our last counseling session. My fiancé and I had a really, really long conversation about what we weren't going to allow to ruin the weekend for us. I just let it go—all the shit that upset me, all the things that pissed me off, even the things that were happening while I was there, I let it go.
A destination wedding was one of the things that we agreed on long ago. We knew that we always wanted to do that. And honestly, we had a fucking blast. For the entire process to be as hellish as it was, the weekend was great. Thank God.
BRIDE #2
Planning a wedding—especially one during the pandemic—was so stressful. My wedding was supposed to be in May 2020, and I canceled the wedding because of the pandemic. But then August 2020 rolled around, and I was like, ‘You know what? Let's just do something small.’ So, I planned my micro wedding in two weeks.
Initially, I had about 250 people that were invited to the wedding. So scaling down to just 30 people was honestly the hardest thing, and I actually lost friends because of it. Honestly, it shocked me, the entitlement that people had, and it just made me look at them differently. I was like, ‘You know what? I'm actually grateful that this happened because maybe I don't need you in my life.’
But to be honest, I think that the pandemic helped me out. With my original wedding plan, I was adding so many things onto the bill because I wanted it to look good for social media, so much so that I was racking up almost $100,000 for my bill. I had to keep reminding myself that it was one day, and spending that much money on a one-day event was actually ridiculous. I only spent $10,000 on my micro wedding, and I feel like that's pretty good. I learned throughout the process that I was being charged more for having a wedding. So, I rented out a Peerspace and I told her it was just a nice dinner for friends and family, that we were already married and were just celebrating. She had no clue that I was walking down the aisle on her rooftop.
As a social media influencer, I knew that tons of photos would be taken, and I would have to post them. I had a crossbite on my two front teeth, and I was so stressed out about how I would look in photos. So, I got Invisalign before the wedding. I also found a hair stylist quickly for my microwedding and she did my wig—but she did such a bad job. I was like, ‘Oh my God, this is so embarrassing. People are gonna see me in my photos on my wedding day with this horrible, horrendous wig.’ I had to pluck it so much more. When I got the photos from the photographer, I told him that he could not post them until I edited them.
If I could give advice to other brides, I would say make sure you do it for you and your partner, nobody else. In the beginning, there were too many people in my ear. Once I started to realize that it was mine and my fiancé’s big day, and it was just us who mattered, that's what shifted everything for me. So don't lean into the pressures of pleasing other people and social media, just do what you think is right and what you truly, truly want.
Serhii Sobolevskyi/ Getty Images
BRIDE #3
The day you get engaged, there’s the attention and the immediate questions: ‘Do you have a date in mind?’ ‘Where are you gonna do it?’ And it was like, ‘I literally just got engaged, can I have one day?’ I got engaged on New Year's Eve and I didn't announce it until April—and that's because I was pressured.
I also didn't want a wedding. I didn't plan my wedding; my mom and family did that because that's what they wanted. So the venue, the flowers, the cake, they did all that because I didn't care. Back when things were going my way, I said I just wanted to do something small in a garden. The only thing I cared about was my dress because I knew my dress was going to be the main thing that was photographed. I always wanted a pink dress; I knew when I chose pink that it was going to be like, ‘Hmm, that's interesting.’
Matopeda Bride was making my dress in Nigeria. Do you understand how stressful it is doing something with somebody that lives in Nigeria? We had to find that sweet spot of time to talk because everything was done over WhatsApp. I didn't get my dress until the week before my wedding, and when I got the dress, it didn't fit. We were panicking a little bit, so much so that I forgot to buy wedding shoes. But when it all came together, that was probably what I was most proud of, because everybody said no to that pink dress and I was like ‘I don't care.’
I also had a zillion workarounds because I was not playing with these people taking advantage of brides. They rip brides off so bad. It's unfair because if you go to a makeup artist and just say you want soft glam, that's $80. But for a wedding? I was being quoted around $1,500 to $2,000 for that same $80 face. So I brought my homegirl, and she did my makeup for free. Wedding cakes were priced around the same, like $1,000 to $1,500. I ordered a white cake from Publix, it might have been like 100 bucks. My mom is a florist, so she put the flowers on the cake and then we ended up doing a cupcake tower around the side.
"They rip brides off so bad. It's unfair because if you go to a makeup artist and just say you want soft glam, that's $80. But for a wedding? I was being quoted around $1,500 to $2,000 for that same $80 face."
I also had no idea—and I'm grateful that they did not tell me—that there was tension between my bridesmaids. Once the wedding was over, I saw the text thread, and it really put a lot of things in perspective for me, because I saw who was willing, who was not responsive, and who wouldn't do things they were supposed to do. Initially, with the garden wedding, it was just going to be me and my fiancé. I didn't want a bridal party.
On the day of, I was so tired of being at a wedding that I left my reception, and I went to the back to talk to a friend. I was like, ‘This is too much.’ I really don't believe half the brides that have these big, obnoxious weddings even want to be there! I've been seeing a lot of content with brides saying, ‘Okay, this is too much. I'm gonna go somewhere and decompress.’
A bride should make sure that she is centered and has a full awareness of who she is and what she would like, and stand firm in that. Just be authentic, be you, and I think you'll be able to deal with it all a little bit better. Every time I hear that somebody bent just a little bit to accommodate people, there were always regrets.
BRIDE #4
I knew I wanted to have a destination wedding before I even had a boyfriend. I've been to destination weddings, and I had so much fun. But mine was a battle with me and my mom, because she was like, ‘Oh, your grandmothers won't be able to come and certain family members won't be able to fly.’ And I was okay with that. I was just like, ‘Well, in this instance it's about me and what I want.’
We had two ceremonies: an American one and a Nigerian one. How we saved money with two weddings was that for the Nigerian one, we didn't feed people. We were like, ‘We're not paying for two receptions.’ Normally, when you go to a traditional Nigerian wedding, they feed people at both, and it gets really, really expensive. But we did it at an all-inclusive resort, so we were like, ‘We'll do the ceremony, and then y'all can go on the resort and go get some food.’
I'm not Nigerian, my husband is, so I let his family handle all that. I ended up having to step in and be the middle man between our wedding party and his family because they wanted us to wear a certain fabric. We got all the fabric from Nigeria, so we had to get everyone's measurements and all that tedious stuff. That's what was complicated. We had to wear the geles, the headwraps, and we didn't know how to tie the geles. So I had to figure out how to get the geles pre-made for the girls because I wanted to do that. That was a big thing for me because this was my only time to have a cultural wedding.
With relationships, it's like people don't know how to not make it about themselves. People also weren't realizing that when they kept asking me for stuff, they were making my life harder. I'm in the middle of planning a wedding, and you're asking me for answers that I've already sent, which is just inconsiderate at the end of the day. I think that's the most frustrating part, and that's why you lose friends, because people wait until the last minute to do things, and they make it harder on you.
People were coming up to me like, ‘Are you having something borrowed? Something blue?’ No. Why am I stressing myself out over that? Because that's a tradition? We need to normalize people being different. Historically, if you're different, you're outcasted, but if that's what I want, I want what I want. I didn't want a garter. I didn't want to do a garter toss. I didn't do the bouquet thing or none of that. When it came to the reception outfit, people were like, ‘Why aren't you getting a dress?’ I didn't want a dress; I wore a white suit. I wore a white suit with a sexy lingerie bodysuit underneath because that's me. With some Jordans, because I'm a sneaker person.
Managing my mental health was about creating boundaries. I think I did a great job of creating boundaries throughout the whole process—I was very stern on what I wanted and what I didn't want.
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Featured image by Adriana Duduleanu/Getty Images