Tracee Ellis Ross Says A Woman’s Dream For Her Life Doesn’t Have To Include A Wedding Or Kids
Tracee Ellis Ross is on an incredible roll in regards to her career.
With another Emmy nomination in the bag, it seems like the Golden Globe winner has hit her stride career-wise. But as with many other career-focused women, there is always someone questioning them as to why they haven't already done the things people who are still living in the 1960s think should be at the top of the list for women: get married and have kids.
The actress recently spoke with ELLE Canada about why she has yet to "settle down," how a wedding is not every little girl's dream, and why she thinks self-care is more than a day at the spa.
She may be outspoken, but on whether or not she plans to get married one day and have kids, well, that's just none of your business. When asked about her personal life, the Black-ish star had a few things to say:
"In an interview the other day, someone said, 'I love how outspoken you are about deciding not to have children and choosing your career instead.' I said: 'Hold on. One: Yes, I am outspoken. Two: I have not 'chosen' whether I am having kids or not, because it's none of your business. Three: If I do choose whether or not to have a child or whether or not to have a husband, it has nothing to do with my career. And four: The reason that I'm outspoken is because....[Of questions like this!]"
Since the 1960s, it almost seems as if the media made it its mission to convince us women that getting married and having kids is the ultimate goal. From Disney movies to our television screens, the notion was that everyone should aspire to have a fairytale dream wedding and 2.5 kids all by a certain age. I mean, how can you be fulfilled in life without these things? (Please detect the sarcasm here). The fact of the matter is, while these things are important to some, everyone has a different picture of what a truly fulfilling life looks like for them. Ross says her mission in life would be to change this narrative. She continues:
"Yes! I want to shift the language. It drives me nuts. It contributes to this idea that young girls dream of a wedding and not the lives that they want or how they want to use their talents and what they want from their world. Marriage might be a part of that. But it might not. If I had one life mission—which this isn't because I have so many others!—it would be to dismantle that myth, that false belief."
Self-care has almost become a buzzword of the moment, and everyone claims they practice it. So much so that we even had #InternationalSelfCareDay recently trending on social media. From taking time to manicure your hands to monthly facials and massages, keeping up your fly is just one part of self-care. What are we doing to care for our minds and souls? The Girlfriends actress shares what self-care looks like for her and why setting boundaries is a huge part of the formula. She tells ELLECanada:
"Self-care is being honest, first and foremost, with yourself. Knowing your boundaries. Knowing how to be of service. And having a sense of what your overflow [point] is...You have to learn. That a small 'no' is a big 'yes.' How to have the courage to say what you mean and mean what you say. To have boundaries without hacking up a relationship. Boundaries can be bridges; they don't have to equal excavating someone from your life. I've learned how to do that from friends and mentors, from having conversations, from having a willingness to share my discomfort, my shame and my fear and from making mistakes. That's a painstaking process that is sometimes like chewing on ground glass, but it's worth it."
The fashion killer also admits that while sometimes she can get down on herself, being loving towards herself and transparent with those around her has been a learning process. She reveals:
"I've learned how to be kind and loving to myself, even when I feel like I haven't done my best. It's very, very difficult. And also how to be transparent about that with people who I trust and feel safe with, who have taught me how to love myself even when I don't feel lovable."
The safety net of the right people can catch you when you feel like you're falling. Choosing those people can test your limits of trust and faith, but when you have the right support system, those people can help you see the light at the end of any proverbial tunnel. But not everyone in your life can be that shoulder to lean on, nor should they be. The Golden Globe winner says that compartmentalizing the people in your life is okay and that everyone doesn't have to be everything to you. She says:
"One of the things I've learned that has been incredibly helpful is that one person doesn't need to be all things to me at all times. It is okay that different people own different real estate in your heart. My closest and best friends are not in the industry—those are the friendships that start in an early place and time in your life."
Ross also talks about her version of being "woke" and how the #TimesUp movement created a community of women that have come together to use their voices to fight against sexual violence. The "tribe" quickly found out that they had more in common than the mission they set out on. She says:
"Being a high-functioning, compassionate human requires a lot of self-reflection and willingness to be...awake. I'm grateful that now is a time when everybody is wanting to use their voice. That feels exciting to me. #TimesUp actually did create a real tribe and community within Hollywood of women who share a unique experience. For me, it genuinely coalesced a group of women that I didn't have access to before. I would have never known that Reese Witherspoon and I had as much in common! There truly is a real camaraderie and support of one another [in that industry] that didn't exist before."
Building the right support system, practicing your unique version of self-care, and living your life on your terms are all necessary components to living a fulfilled life. There's no right or wrong way to do these things, so we all need to be more loving and forgiving of ourselves while we are on this journey toward our goals.
To read the rest of the interview with ELLE Canada, click here.
Featured image via Tracee Ellis Ross/Instagram
Michelle Schmitz is a writer and editor based in Washington, DC originally from Ft Lauderdale, FL. A self-described ambivert, you can find her figuring out ways to read more than her monthly limit of The New York Times, attending concerts, and being a badass, multi-tasking supermom. She also runs her own blog MichelleSasha.com. Keep up with her latest moves on IG: @michellesashawrites and Twitter: @michellesashas
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How To Tell If You're Disciplining Your Child Or Seeking Revenge
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images