Quick & Easy Self-Esteem Hacks That Will Have You Feeling Yourself
Self-esteem. It's one of those terms we hear so much that I can't help but wonder, if all of us were asked what it was if we'd provide similar answers. As someone who can raise her hand in this class and admit that I battled with self-esteem for years on end, I realize that a point of my personal struggle was that I didn't get that it was synonymous with self-respect.
A woman who has self-respect is motivated by love not fear. A woman with self-respect cares about her character more than her appearance (her looks are the icing, not the cake). A woman with self-respect is unapologetic about setting boundaries that will protect her mind, body, and spirit. A woman with self-respect knows that she can't love others well if she doesn't put God first and her soul second. A woman with self-respect is driven, genuine, self-nurturing, profoundly spiritual, and absolutely adores her own company. A woman with self-respect is unapologetically unstoppable when it comes to her purpose, goals, and ambitions.
There is nothing that a woman with self-respect can't do. That's probably why so many of us battle with getting to this point and place in our lives. Once we do, there's nothing we can't do. Ever.
If you know that self-esteem is a bit of a struggle for you, that is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. All of us have been there and most of us have moments where we relapse. But whether you're looking for steps to strengthen your being altogether, or you're simply "having a moment" and need to tap back into your self-awareness and self-worth, here are some self-esteem hacks that can get you right back on track. Promise.
Wear Your Favorite Color
I've written on color psychology before; it's about more than simply having a favorite color and wearing it. Different hues tap into different sides of our nature; they can also reveal things that we want to attain at particular points in our lives. For instance, if you're really drawn to green, you may be desiring holistic health and/or financial success. If blue is your fave, internal peace and tranquility may be what you're after. Orange symbolizes creativity, purple symbolizes royalty, and grey symbolizes reliability and maturity.
On the mornings when you wake up, look in the mirror and don't feel so great about yourself, redirect your emotions by putting your favorite color on. Then Google what it symbolizes. All of the positive words that you see, think of yourself as being the literal embodiment of them, thanks to the outfit (and/or make-up) that you have on.
Adjust Your Posture
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My posture isn't the best. It comes from sitting — and by that, I mean slouching — in my comfy chair as I'm writing throughout the day. But ever since I read that our posture has a direct effect on our moods, I've been more intentional about sitting up straight.
How does posture have the power to make us feel bad? Whenever we slouch, it puts stress on our body; especially our spine. That can affect how we breathe, which can affect the amount of oxygen that gets to our brain. Over time, that can make us feel drained, sad, and even depressed.
If you're like most of the free world, you probably spend most of your time sitting at a computer all day. If you want to know how you should be sitting, click here for the breakdown. Make adjustments where needed and see if it makes you feel better. It should.
Think. Then Act. Immediately.
Something that low self-esteem does is rob us of our self-confidence. One way to get it back is to make a decision and then act on it — immediately. If you know that it's time to end a toxic relationship, stop venting to your girls about it. Write Mr. Crazy an email and send it. If you've been talking about needing to work out more, on your lunch break, sign up for a gym membership. If you've been wanting to move up at your office, walk over to your manager and request a formal meeting.
People with high self-esteem are never comfortable with just talking about how they want their life to be; they are always making the kind of moves that get them closer to their aspirations and goals.
Write a Personal Mission Statement
I'm not big on New Year's resolutions. I am all about annual mission statements, though. They are a great way to keep you focused on what your core values are and the kind of contribution you want to make in this world. A personal mission statement can also serve as a guide so that you can know when you're about to make a decision that works in your favor vs. one that could totally throw you off course.
It's been a while since I've penned a professional mission statement (I need to get on that), but I did write a personal one around my birthday last year and bay-bay — it totally changed my life! And was like a Vitamin B12 shot to my self-esteem. I am all about penning them. (If you've never written one before, you can learn how to here.)
Attempt Something New
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Again, self-esteem is all about self-respect and self-respect is all about honoring both yourself and your time. Every single day that the Most High gives you is an opportunity to do something great in a way that no one else on this planet can do it. Unfortunately, most of us don't live our lives this way. We stay stuck in a routine that consists of very little fun, spontaneity, or newness.
There are all sorts of data to support that doing things like traveling to foreign countries, conquering things that scare us or taking risks all play a role in making us more self-aware and comfortable with ourselves.
When's the last time you did something for the first time? What are you waiting on? Your self-esteem needs you to.
Turn Off Your Notifications (for the Rest of the Day)
Yeah, I already know. Some of y'all aren't gonna be happy to hear this, but there is scientific evidence to support that our smartphones have a way of doing some real damage to our self-esteem and level of happiness. Between all of the bad (or just plain crazy) news, celebrity gossip, exes on IG, and filtered pics of people — sometimes it's more than our minds and hearts can take. Then, if you add to that all of the texts that are constantly coming through from people we personally know, it's a miracle that we're able to get anything done.
If you're tapped into the Matrix so much that it's got you doubting yourself, comparing yourself, or tempting yourself to do things that are truly counterproductive (like sliding into someone's DMs who has already proven to be absolutely no good for you), do yourself, your self-esteem, and your future a favor and turn your notifications off for the rest of the day. Take out a few hours to hear nothing but silence. Watch how much the quiet empowers you.
Say “No” More Often
As a former codependent, I'm here to tell you that nothing takes its toll on your self-esteem quite like not establishing boundaries does or having them but allowing people to make you feel guilty for the ones that you've set. Setting boundaries is not mean or selfish. It's the ultimate form of self-care.
If you're someone who is a people pleaser that runs your own self into the ground by saying "yes" to everyone and everything all of the time, take a moment to ask yourself why you do that. If what comes to mind are things like you fear rejection or you're afraid folks won't like you if you say "no" sometimes, guess what the remedy to that is? SAYING NO.
Not only will it teach you how to take care of your own needs more often, but you'll be able to see who's in your life for the right reasons; who's in your world because they love you vs. all of the things that you do for them.
Use Some Orange Essential Oil
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Aromatherapy is king — and queen. It's one of the quickest and easiest ways to totally alter our moods. Keeping this in mind, remember how I said that the color orange represents creative energy? Well, the scent of orange has the ability to relieve anxiety, anger, and depression. Many who use it also say that it improved their moods within moments of putting it on. That's because orange oil contains properties that serve as an antioxidant and an antidepressant too.
Do Something (Anonymously) for Someone Else
Another indication of someone who has a high level of self-esteem is, they don't need an audience or applause every time they do something. So long as God and they know about it, they're good; that's how at peace with themselves they are.
Words really can't express how wonderful it can make you feel to do something nice for someone without them (or anyone else) knowing anything about it. Giving that has no ulterior motive or agenda is a true characteristic of the strong.
Treat Yourself
Unfortunately, a lot of us confuse daily upkeep with actually treating ourselves. Taking a bubble bath, getting your nails done, buying some new underwear — that files under cleaning yourself, not looking crazy and keeping bacteria away from your nether regions.
Sis, please aim higher. Be intentional about 1) setting some money aside to indulge yourself and 2) doing it 1-2 times a month. Make sure it's the kind of things that remind you of just how beautiful, wonderful, and valuable you are; things that don't need a rhyme or reason other than you're worth it. Because you are!
Treating oneself is something that took me a while to put into practice. But now that I have, I can personally vouch for the fact that it is the ultimate self-esteem hack. It really is.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You're Catching Feelings For Your Guy Friend. Now What?
Let me just start this all off by saying that I will never be the kind of person who thinks that men and women can’t be friends (or that single people and married people can’t be friends). Choosing friends is about looking into someone’s character and how they complement your life; it should never be about their gender or relational status. Don’t get it twisted, though — in order to properly navigate the dynamic between a man and a woman, there are some things that should be pondered and then discussed.
For instance, is the relationship truly platonic? Even though our culture has reduced that word to simply mean that two people are friends and nothing more, the actual definition is that BOTH individuals do not have any type of sexual interest or attraction at all; that only a spiritual kind of love exists. Is that possible? I have a few male friends where that word applies. I won’t lie, though — most of my (unmarried) male friends are more in the lane of, “You could get it. We just value the friendship too much to explore it”…and no, it hasn’t been “game” whenever they’ve brought it up.
Contrary to the notoriously toxic belief of so many folks out here, not every man has coochie on the brain 24/7 and/or lacks self-control and/or is willing to risk it all in order to get some. In fact, not one man in my life is even remotely that shallow.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t get that the line between just friends and possibly more isn’t a tightrope for some friendships from time to time. Like, what happens if the person who ends up “with a little extra,” as far as emotions go for a friend, ends up being you? Even further, what if that question isn’t even close to being rhetorical because it’s something that you’re experiencing right at this very moment, and you’re not exactly sure what you should do about it?
If that’s the case, have no fear. I think I might be able to offer up a bit of insight that can get you through the (potential) internal stress of what happens when you look up one day and it really does seem like, out of nowhere, you suddenly want your guy friend to become something…more.
What Kind of Friendship Is It?
GiphySo before we talk about anything else, the first thing that you should get clear on is the type of friendship that you’re in. What I mean by that is, although we tend to use “friend” to cover all of the bases of someone who we’re not romantically involved with (or isn’t a relative or we can’t stand — and chile,don’t even get me started on frenemies), the reality is that friendships definitely have levels to them (check out “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them”).
Like,is he a work friend? Is he a church friend? Is he someone you’ve recently gotten to know over the past couple of months? Is he an online friend? Or is it deeper, like a guy who you’ve been friends with for a couple of years now or someone who you used to have in the friend zone (check out “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.”)? Or — and lawd have mercy, if so — is he your best friend, and you’re starting to see him in a completely different light?
Do you see how, just breaking down some of these friendship dynamics, the situations are quite different? For instance, if you have feelings for a co-worker friend, you’ve got to take into consideration what your work environment will be like if the two of you date and it ultimately doesn’t work out. If he’s an online friend (especially if he’s in another city, state, or country), the risk of potential rejection probably won’t be as impactful as if you have to see him every weekend at church.
If he’s someone you already put into the friend zone, I’m gonna tell you right now that if he has any sort of self-esteem, you’re gonna have to eat a few slices of humble pie to get him to entertain being more than friends (because guys tend to move on once they find out that they fall into that space). And if he’s your best friend? Well, while it probably won’t cost you your friendship, it could make things awkward for a while at best or shift the relationship a bit at worst.
That’s why I definitely think that getting real about the kind of friendship you have with the guy is what you should get mentally cleared up first. Then, we can move on to the next thing.
What Do You Want to Come from the Matter?
GiphyAnyway, because I do have a nice circle of male friends, many of whom are single or divorced, I get asked often if it’s hard to be just friends with them. It’s not because I really like what we have as being friends only. There is a type of intimacy and balance of energies that come from a male-female friendship that you can never get from same-sex ones. I value it all too much to risk it. What I want from my male friends — a certain level of protection (because I’m single), insight from a male perspective, doing things that my female friends may not want to do, etc. — I get…and that’s worth more than seeing if the sex would be bomb or if we should try something more and it end up being a bad decision that we can’t come back from.
That’s me, though. That doesn’t have to be you and your guy friend. For example, what if what you want is to explore a sexual relationship (check out “5 Things You Should Ask Yourself Before Having Sex with A Friend”) because you can’t seem to get sex with him out of your head? For better or for worse, chile, back when I was out in these sex streets, that was pretty much my pattern: sex with close friends (check out “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners”), and it’s not an impossible feat.
You’ve just got to be real with yourself about whether that’s truly all that you want and if you can handle it gracefully if things don’t go as planned (check out “How To Preserve Your Friendship After BAD Casual Sex”) or the sex is so good that now you can’t decide if you’re into him or just into…it. Oh, and don’t even get me started on if he’s seeing other people (because all you wanted was sex…right?). Yeah, a movie that I like calledSleeping with Other People has a scene where a woman is mad that her casual sex partner is sleeping around. His response was on-point: “Keeping our arrangement doesn’t make me an as-hole, but it does make you a liar.” #checkmate
That’s just one example to emphasize the point that, yes, you need to figure out what you want to come from your more-than-just-friends feelings. Do you just want to get it off of your chest and you’re not sure if you want or need to do anything more than that? Do you want just sex? Would you like to go on a few dates to see ifthe chemistry is mutual? Are you “deeply in” and you’re hoping that he feels the same way so that you two can have a full-blown relationship?
Listen, I have watched enough relationships in my lifetime to know that when it comes to something that needs to be as thoughtfully approached as this, it’s not fair to share your feelings with someone and then expect them to know what you want to come from doing so. You need to know…first. So before bringing it to him, figure it out on your own.
Tell Him the Deal. No Hinting Around.
GiphyAlthough timing and delivery matter, I don’t know one man who isn’t a “straight no-chaser” type of individual. This means no hinting around. No guessing games. No 50 million questions to try and see if he likes you first. I promise you that all of these approaches are off-putting to guys and will get them to mentally and emotionally tap out before you get around to making your point. Besides, if he’s a FRIEND friend, you should be able to express your genuine feelings — and honestly, this is a huge plus to telling him: you will be able to see how mature he is when it comes to handling matters of the heart.
Can there be a reason to not tell your guy friend how you feel? I mean, honestly, if you’re avoiding it, I’m assuming that it’s mostly due to fear, and trying to maintain anything with fear as your “fuel,” ultimately, isn’t going to get you anywhere. Plus, the more that you suppress what is going on inside of you, the more it’s going to alter the energy between the two of you, and that could cause unnecessary stress and strain to where either you start unnecessarily projecting things onto him, or he wants to spend less time around you because you’re making him feel as uncomfortable as you are.
Are there any exceptions to this? Eh. If you’re more like good acquaintances than actual friends, perhaps. Personally, though, I think that solid friendships are rooted in honesty — and how can you claim that you’ve got a healthy friendship with someone if you’re holding something as big back as having feelings for them away from them? Logically, it just doesn’t make much sense.
Prepare Yourself for His Response. And Don’t Penalize the Friendship If He Doesn’t Feel the Same Way.
GiphyOnce you tell him, for the most part, there are three ways that telling him can go: he can like you back, he can want some time and space to consider the possibilities, or he can not be interested. Let’s briefly unpack all three.
Liking you back...
So, what if you tell him how you feel, and he feels the same way (or something close)? My two cents would be for the two of you to still go slowly. Where I’ve seen many mess up is they think that they can go from friend to more-than-friends in two days or less, and that’s super unrealistic. Meaning, someone having feelings for you, too doesn't mean that they can, should, or will automatically stop seeing other people or that you two can or should immediately start becoming intimate.
Take some time to really discuss each other’s feelings, thoughts, and expectations — and what you guys should do trying to move into a different relational space ultimately proves to not be the best thing for one or both of you. If anything should take the “ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” approach, it’s friends who are transitioning into something more — or else.
Wanting time and space...
Going from friends to potentially something different is a lot like shifting gears in a car — and if you move too fast, you can strip them. That said, just because you’ve been sitting with your feelings for a while, it’s not fair to want to rush him after he finds out. Whether he wants time and space to figure out how he feels about your feelings or time and space from you altogether — both are warranted.
Should it be for weeks with no contact? Not if he’s a good friend. On the other hand, should you pressure him into making you feel at ease about what he’s just now learning? Eh. You might want to go to another friend to help you out with that. I mean, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Right…exactly.
He's not interested...
No one likes rejection; that’s real. At the same time, though, it’s not fair to penalize him if he doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Clearly, if he’s your friend (especially a close friend), he adores and values you on some level. However, if that’s not romantically, try and be emotionally mature enough to know and then accept that not wanting all of what you desire from the relationship doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you in his life at all.
At the end of the day, if it’s too hard to be his friend when you want something else, you’ve got to do what’s best for you. Just make sure that you’re not going to lose a great person in your life because your ego got bruised or your pride couldn’t handle him not reciprocating what you were offering. It’s not fair, and it could end up costing you…A LOT. Take the kind of space you need to redirect your focus. If he loves you, he’ll be there when you get…back.
___
I’ve developed feelings for a friend before; more than once. Was it always easy to work through? Not always. My friendships always survived it, though — whether the feelings were reciprocated or not. And it was because we valued the friendship too much to lose it.
And honestly, I think that is one of the best things to come out of having feelings for a friend: you end up finding out just how solid the bond actually is. And in a world where really good friends are hard to come by…that can never not be a good thing.
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Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images