A few days ago, I was talking to someone who is younger than I am yet has a very old mind when it comes to music (and true music appreciation) about which 90s year had the best R&B (don’t attempt this conversation at home unless you really know what you are talking about, by the way).
Although I have a deep affinity for 1995 (thanks to songs like Groove Theory’s “Tell Me”, Faith Evans’s “Soon As I Get Home”, D’Angelo’s “Lady”, Jon B’s “Someone to Love” and LL Cool J’s “Hey Lover” whether the LP or single dropped that year — don’t play with me — LOL), my friend brought up a valid point about 1997: “Nice & Slow” (Usher), “Butta Love” (Next), "All the Things (Your Man Won't Do)" (Joe), “I Gotta Be” (Jagged Edge) and a song that gets a special shout-out in this piece all came out that year.
What Is a Sneaky Link?
Xscape’s “My Little Secret” gets a true honorable mention here because, when it comes to the topic of sneaky links, it damn near could be the theme song. And I say that because, as pretty much all of us know, a sneaky link is a hook-up and/or romantic relationship that is kept on the extreme low.
Why? There are a billion reasons — today, though, I’m going to share 10. And because I agree with what a wise man once said when he stated that once more than one person knows a particular secret, it ceases to be one, this time, I’m not even using middle names. Nah, I’m going to define these ladies and their “sneaky link stories” another way since they were nice enough to share with the world what their hook-up hush-hush is…and why it happens to be that way for them.
Push play to the Xscape song and dive in.
10 Women Share Their Sneaky Link Stories
1. “Married to One Man. Sprung on Another.” 42.
“I’m going to sound like a hypocrite here but sometimes we go through things to help other people — and if you are going through something with your husband, never forget that you aren’t ‘single’ until you are divorced. Back when my husband and I were having some serious issues, we separated for almost a year and barely even spoke beyond bills. I met a man then who was the best sex that I ever had in my entire life. I didn’t expect my husband and myself to consider reconciling but we’re in counseling now — and I am still sleeping with the other guy. I wish I could tell you that I have intentions of stopping but I can’t.
"One reason is because the sex really is just that good and I didn’t realize how much I had been missing out on. Another reason is because I’m not sure if my husband and I are getting back together; we seem to have the same issues over and over. I do regret being in a commitment with one man and totally strung out on another. I don’t recommend it. It will keep you up at night — one way or another, girl.”
“Broke Up with My Ex. Except Sexually.” 37.
Giphy“My semi-toxic confession is my ex and I don’t get along anywhere else BUT the bedroom. In there? You would think that we were soulmates for life! It’s passionate and nasty and lasts for hours — I’m not exaggerating! The wildest thing about it is, we’ve been having sex, off and on now, since college.
"Even when I’m seeing someone or he’s seeing someone, we find a way to have sex. It would be a lot worse if we lived in the same city but we don’t. All these years later, we still try to see each other 4-7 times a year — pretty much once a season and then for a real long weekend or even a week in the summer if we can pull it off…and I don’t see it ending any time soon.”
3. “I Lost My Virginity Two Years Ago. Only ‘He’ Knows It, Though.” 25.
“My virginity is kind of my ‘brand’. I didn’t mean for that to happen but virgins kind of stick out like a sore thumb these days and since I never kept it a secret — my family, my church and even my friends see me as a Black Mother Teresa. That’s why I haven’t told anyone that I lost my virginity a little over two years ago and I’m still sleeping with that person. It’s not just a ‘sex thing’ but I choose to keep our relationship private because if people knew that I’ve been seeing someone for a long time, either they are going to pressure me into marriage or start asking if I’m a virgin still. Keeping it all a secret just makes my life easier.”
4. “I Shouldn’t Be Sleeping with My Boss…BUT…” 38.
Giphy“I’m sleeping with my boss, so it goes without saying why it’s a secret. Let me explain how it happened: When we first started having sex, we both had the same position. We used to joke at our desks and then meet up for drinks after work. One night, we had dinner and probably too much to drink and that led to us getting a hotel room. Girl, that man. About six months later, he got a promotion and since neither of us wanted to stop having sex with each other…we haven’t. A part of the thrill is the sex. Another part is sneaking around. I think that’s what lures most people into having a sneaky link, if you ask me.”
5. “My Friends Have Been Trying to Set Me Up for Years…” 46.
“I am a very private person; I always have been. There is no one in my life who knows how many people I’ve been with and the partners who they assume about, I’ve never shared any sexual details. My last serious relationship ended when I was about 41 and my friends have been trying to set me up ever since because they don’t want me to be ‘lonely’ or ‘dry.’ Little do they know, I am neither! I’ve been having sex with a friend of mine since the break-up and I don’t see it ending any time soon — mostly because he thinks the same way that I do. Ladies, if you don’t want a relationship, find a monogamous sex partner. It’s one of the best things that has ever happened to me!”
6. “Folks Think I’m Abstinent…but I’m Not.” 26.
Giphy“I made the announcement three years ago that I was going to take a break from sex — and I did…for about 14 months. I’ve been having sex ever since but I haven’t let anyone know that. It hasn’t been just one guy either. I have a ‘steady two’ because they both are good at different things. It’s not like I’m lying about it or anything. Whenever the subject of me and having sex come up, folks say something like, ‘She’s abstinent, she doesn’t count’ — and I just don’t correct them. Private sex is the best sex. I should’ve learned that lesson a long time ago.”
7. “If It’s Mostly Head, Does That Count?” 44.
“My sneaky link situation is a little odd…I guess. It’s a guy who I had sex with a few years ago. The sex was okay but, GIRL, his head game?!
"It’s kind of funny that he feels the same way about me and so, we do have sex sometimes but we mostly meet up for oral purposes. It’s like an addiction at this point because we try to link up no less than a few times a month. It doesn’t matter what else we have going on, we’re going to get that head in. And no, no one knows about it. I don’t see why they ever should.”
8. “My Friend’s Ex Has Been My Next…” 27.
“Shellie, you’d better not say my name. I’m not playing! Yes, I have been having sex with a friend’s ex — but it’s not an ex-husband or fiancé; it’s someone from many years ago and that’s all I’m going to say about that because I don’t want anyone to piece it together. And before anyone reading about this starts, she actually knows — she’s the only one who does, though. She’s married now and couldn’t care less. She said that the sex was her deal-breaker with him and I think the sex is amazing. You know what they say about one man’s junk…”
9. “No Matter What, It Always Comes Back to Him…in the Bedroom.” 33.
“I would think we all get that when a woman says that a man has some good d-ck, she’s not just talking about his penis. The insane thing about my sneaky link is he’s the smallest I’ve been with and still the best sex that I’ve had in my entire life! He takes his time, his dirty talk game is on-point, his stamina is crazy and he’s a master at getting that thing right back up. We started having sex five years ago, been dating for three and have been still gettin’ that thing in since because no man knows me like he does. Keeping it private isn’t behind a scandal or anything. I just think that adds to the allure of it all.”
10. “Why Is My Sex Life ANY of Your Business?” 40.
Giphy“’Sneaky link’. That’s cute. These kids. I never saw it as ‘sneaking’ so much as ‘Why is my sex life anyone’s damn business?’ I guess when you’re in a relationship, people assume that you’re sexually active. For me, a lot of the men I’ve dated, I’ve never had sex with them and some of the people you’d least expect, we have sexual history. So, based on that, I technically have a sneaky link. You never see us out but we spend plenty of quality time together. It’s a sexy secret. I like it that way.”
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Oh, sneaky links. As someone who has had my fair share of ‘em back in the day, they definitely aren’t a monolith — as you can very well see.
My advice? Secrets are seductive — there is no doubt about that. You’re grown, so just make sure that your why overrides the risks involved. Because a secret exposed can be a secret that costs.
Be safe. Be realistic. Be careful. Rinse and repeat.
If you’re gonna be sneaky, be smart. Amen? Exactly.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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