Every single person struggles with self-confidence from time to time. It is natural to not feel confident in everything that we do. In the bedroom, too, lacking confidence is a normal part of life because of imposter syndrome and insecurities about our bodies. Sex is a confidence problem ready to happen. If you engage in sexual activity long enough, you’re bound to face difficulties at some point or another.
Society teaches us to love sex and excel at it, but we are expected to keep it quiet. How does that work? I believe that people who talk about sex tend to have better sex. So, instead of shying away from your insecurities around sex, you should embrace them and figure out how to overcome them. What better way to gain sexual confidence than to learn firsthand from an actual sex expert?
How To Be More Sexually Confident, According To Experts
Listed below are tips on how you can boost their confidence in bed from some of my favorite sex experts and educators.
Honor your body through your senses.
"I believe that women and femmes can become more sexually confident by honoring their body through their senses (our sense of sight, taste, touch, smell, listening, visioning/mind). By asking a question like, 'Which touches or sensations feel good to my physical body?' we can open the door to exploring our sensuality. Our sensuality is a building block to sexual confidence. Learning how to Pleasure Map can support women and femmes increase their sexual confidence. Pleasure Mapping is an intentional act and skill by an individual or partners exploring varieties of physical touches, their sensations, intensities, temperatures, and directions that bring them pleasure in their bodies.
"By asking a question like, 'Which touches or sensations feel good to my physical body?' we can open the door to exploring our sensuality. Our sensuality is a building block to sexual confidence."
"This exploration and this pause to touch their bodies with intention can support them in learning what turns them on both sensually and sexually. Understanding their bodies, in turn, helps them feel empowered. Then, women and femmes can take new knowledge, skill and embody that sexual confidence so they can use it in whatever way we see fit. It doesn’t matter whether they are single or with partner/s."
– Andrea Richardson (she/her), Certified Full Spectrum Doula (BADT)
Give yourself grace and do not compare yourself to others.
"To become more sexually confident, you first have to be gentle with yourself and give yourself grace! We all have various upbringings and backgrounds that shape how we approach sex and sexuality. This may require some unlearning or reframing of the things you learned or internalized. Go at your own pace and do NOT compare yourself, your body, or your journey to anyone else's because everyone is different and you will not have all the details of anyone's story but your own."
– Chanel Jaali Marshall, Sexologist and Human Sexuality Ph.D. Student
Remember that our sexualness lives in our bodies.
"Get out of your head. Our sexualness lives in our bodies, the thoughts we have about our bodies, our pleasure, and our sexuality don’t serve our confidence. When we KNOW something we are more confident and getting to know your body will increase your sexual confidence. Also, consider taking an embodiment course or learning some gentle somatic practices that help you drop into the feeling body out of the thinking brain."
– Amina Peterson, Somatic Abolitionist, Tantric Sex & Intimacy Coach
Write yourself a love letter about your fantasies.
"In order to be able to grow your sexual confidence within yourself you have to be able to effectively articulate what makes you feel sexy. This happens through our relationship with words, because words have meaning. My advice is to write yourself a love letter expressing your fantasies and be as detailed as possible. When you are done, take a moment and step away from it. Then come back and allow yourself to review with an open mind."
— Mystkue Woods, MEd, Sexuality Arts Educator and CEO of Mystkue Publications
Examine the ways your sexuality has been defined for you, and redefine it for yourself.
"I believe that women can become more sexually confident and connect more into their sexuality when they begin to examine the ways in which societal and cultural expectations have shaped their thoughts about sex, sexuality, and who they are as a sexual being. Many women are shamed and sexualized and accept those ideologies as the way they should behave and think about their own sexuality. Self-reflection, acceptance of self, and release of sexual shame, and perhaps an acknowledgment and healing from sexual trauma can be the first steps to sexual liberation."
— Tanya Bass, PhD, CHES, CSE
Dance in front of the mirror naked.
"Dance in front of the mirror naked. As you're dancing, be sure to spend time admiring what you love about your body. Take notice of how your different body parts move, giggle, and flow with the music. If you find yourself thinking about what you don’t like about your body, redirect your thoughts to how much you love the song that’s playing or refocus on the parts you DO LOVE!"
— Chanta Blue, Sex & Relationship Therapist at Blue Counseling & Wellness Center
Ritualize getting ready in ways that make you feel sexy.
"Create a getting ready routine with songs playing all throughout the house that make you feel sexy. Take your time getting ready, and consider slowly caressing your body as you get dressed. Try a new or bold lipstick. Go perfume testing and find a scent that really compliments you."
— Tia Evans MSW MEd LCSW CST
Step into your power as a woman and never forget it.
"I believe women can become more sex confident by learning what is true. When women learn that they're worthy, beautiful, sexual, free, and deserving of pleasure they become more sex confident."
— Dr. Jacqueline Sherman, licensed clinical psychologist and certified intimacy & relationship coach.
Give yourself permission to be free.
"Sexual freedom arrives when you stop waiting for permission to be free. It’s past time to take your fantasies off of your pillow, I promise you’ll enjoy it in real life."
— Dr. Hareder Mcdowell, Community Psychologist & Black Female sexuality researcher
Have open dialogues about sex, what's taboo, and what you've experienced.
"In my experience, having open dialogue with other vulva owners has helped with my sexual confidence. The reality is, no single one of us knows everything there is to know about our own bodies or how to have sex with others. If we continue to have candid convos with people we trust, and NOT just the people we are sleeping with, it definitely helps boost sexual confidence.
"Sharing experiences takes the taboo out of some of the things we are scared to try because at least our home girl tried it and she said it ain’t that bad. The point is, having honest discussions about our experiences will help us all be more confident and hopefully create better sexual experiences for all of us."
— @Toy._ the self-proclaimed sex sensei
Focus on your assets instead of what you're lacking.
"For me, sexual confidence begins within. It starts with our identity and mentality. In order to become more sexually confident, I believe women should focus on being comfortable in their own skin with more self-love (i.e., positive self-talk and body positivity) and a lot less comparison to others. Focus on your assets, not what you think you’re lacking. You are beautiful and uniquely you!"
— Dr. Ashley Townes, Sexual Health Researcher
Self-reflect and practice your sexual confidence.
"Sexual confidence requires self-awareness and insight. It requires self-respect and self-love. How one treats themselves and speaks to themself can contribute to both building or destroying one’s sexual confidence. Sexual confidence is not solely about sex, yet [it's] about your relationship with sex and the relationship you have with yourself.
"Sexual confidence is not solely about sex, yet [it's] about your relationship with sex and the relationship you have with yourself."
"Such confidence can be externally displayed through your aura/energy, the way you walk, speak, eye contact, and body movements. If ever lost, sexual confidence can be found again - through means such as self-reflection, practice, therapy, and/or coaching."
— Jasmine Brown, MA, International Trauma-focused Sexologist
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We have less than 40 days left in 2024, and while I'm not one to rush goals just because it's the end of the year, it can be fun to challenge yourself to think about ways you'll close out this year big.
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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The List Of Golden Globes Awards Nominees Has Dropped: Who's Nominated & Who Got Snubbed
The Golden Globes started the week off with a bang announcing the 2025 nominees and per usual we are rooting for everybody Black.
The film Emilia Pérez, featuring Zoe Saldaña, leads the Golden Globe nominations with 10 nominations, while The Brutalist has seven. For television, The Bear received the most nominations with five, followed by Only Murders in the Building and Shōgunwith four each. Before we celebrate our people, we must also acknowledge the snubs.
The Golden Globes, and other award organizations, have faced criticism for overlooking Black-led films, particularly after it was revealed in 2021 that the voting body lacked Black representation.
The Hollywood Foreign Press Association, despite recent efforts to diversify, has faced criticism for overlooking acclaimed performances by Black actresses. This year, Marianne Jean-Baptiste and Danielle Deadwyler were notably absent from the nominees, despite their award-winning roles in Hard Truths and The Piano Lesson, respectively. Danielle's omission marks the second time she has been snubbed by the Globes for a critically acclaimed performance.
Give our girl her things — she more than deserves them!
- YouTubewww.youtube.com
According to the Golden Globes, “In 2023, UCLA highlighted that Black actors make up 14.8% and 16.2% of all theatrical and streaming roles. However, we’ve seen many success stories that have inspired multiple generations. Black people in the entertainment industry have seen great strides in advancement in the creative arts that have helped evolve our everyday reality.”
And like my therapist always reminds me: two things can be true at once. Yes, Black thespians are represented more in the entertainment industry AND we still have lots of work to do as we fully live out the dreams of our ancestors.
The 82nd ceremony will be broadcast on January 5 on CBS and Paramount+. Find the full list of Black nominees below, including the category for which they are nominated:
Film
- Cynthia Erivo (Best Performance by a Female Actor in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy) for her role in Wicked
- Zendaya (Best Performance by a Female Actor in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy) for her role in Challengers
- Colman Domingo (Best Performance by a Male Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama) for his role in Sing Sing
- Denzel Washington (Best Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role) for his role in Gladiator II
- Zoe Saldaña (Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture) for her role in Emilia Pérez
- Kris Bowers (Best Original Score) for the film The Wild Robot
Television
- Donald Glover (Best Performance by a Male Actor in a Television Series) for his role inMr. and Mrs. Smith
- Quinta Brunson (Best Performance by a Female Actor in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy) for her role in Abbott Elementary
- Ayo Edebiri (Best Performance by a Female Actor in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy) for her role in The Bear
- Jamie Foxx (Best Performance in Stand-Up Comedy on Television) for Jamie Foxx: What Had Happened Was
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