As a marriage life coach, something that my clients know will cause me to roll my eyes all the way back into my head is when they tell me that it’s been a while since they’ve had sex — and it’s all because they don’t have time. Umm, studies say that most people prefer for the literal act of sex (you know, intercourse) to last somewhere between 7-13 minutes, and if you can’t find the time to make that happen a couple of times a week? Yeah, I’ve got questions. Lots and lots of ‘em too.
A favorite quote of mine is by an author by the name of Nick Chellsen. He once said, “Boundaries are what you say 'no' to. Priorities are what you say 'yes' to,” and because sexual intimacy is such an essential part of a long-term committed relationship, I definitely think that couples should be super intentional about prioritizing it. And if it is indeed true that it’s challenging to find — no make — time, then plans should definitely be put in place to have a sexcation…a vacation that is solely devoted to enjoying sex with your partner. And since this year’s Valentine’s Day falls on a Friday, why not make it a sexcation weekend? Just you and your bae enjoying all that copulation has to offer.
Does that sound like a great idea? If so, here are 12 things that can take things up a few more notches on the pleasure and pure ecstasy experience tip.
1. Lighting and Mirrors Are an Absolute Must
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Sex under (or around) candlelight? Does it get any sexier (and sensual and romantic) than that? Hmph, probably not — especially if the candles have an aphrodisiac scent like jasmine, vanilla, or sandalwood. Yeah, very few things are able to immediately set the mood quite like soft lighting. And while I will personally always be a big fan of (soy) candles, I also want to shout-out something that I purchased for my own bedroom: an RGB Smart Lamp. Mine is small, comes with a remote control, and has a variety of shades of different colors to choose from including blue, purple, and red. Definitely, another way to set the tone for a very sexy sexcation.
And while we’re here, don’t underestimate what mirrors can do for you too. By positioning yourself in front of one, not only can it bring out the exhibitionist in you, it can also help you to see, in real-time, the level of desire that your partner has for you because you’re able to visually experience them from other angles. Plus, if there are certain positions that you (both) prefer that make it impossible to have eye contact — that is no longer the issue if you’re having sex in front of a mirror, now is it?
Even if you purchase a full-length one from a local store, you can use it during your sexcation and then keep it in your closet…until the next time that the urge strikes.
2. Hang a Sex-Themed Piñata
I’m a big fan of incorporating a piñata into a sexual experience; so much, in fact, that I mentioned one a few years ago in the article, “I've Got REALLY HOT 15 Spring/Summer-Themed Sex Hacks To Try.” To me, it’s a cute way to bring fun into sex by filling one up with things like flavored condoms and lube, edible panties, and whatever else, sex-themed, you can think of (that will comfortably fit). In the spirit of a sexcation, hang a piñata that is in the shape of — eh hem — “him” (here) and/or “you” (here). With it, the blindfold on y’all’s faces, a bat, and all of the goodies inside, how could a sex-themed piñata not put a few smiles and even laughs on both of your faces? C’mon…
3. Create a Signature Libido-Boosting Mocktail
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Have you ever been to a wedding where the couple featured signature cocktails — or mocktails (non-alcoholic cocktails) — at their reception? Usually, not only are the drinks customized but they are named after something sweet or endearing about the twosome as well. Well, you don’t need a wedding to enjoy your own signature beverage, and the reason why I’m shouting out mocktails is you can get the hydration and health benefits of the ingredients that are in them without the downside of alcohol like hangovers. In fact, some mocktails can even give your libido a boost.
You can check out several delicious recipes via “Sexy Sips: 8 Fall-Themed Mocktails That Are Aphrodisiacs Too” or, if you want to stick to the Valentine’s Day theme, get inspired by recipes like — Love Potion #9: Sparkling Cherry Spritzer - Valentine's Day Mocktail or Cocktail (here); Creamy Strawberry Cinnamon Mocktail (here); Valentine’s Day Aphrodisiac Mocktail (here); Sparkling Cranberry Kiss (here), or a Fig & Thyme Spritz (here). Add your own ingredients to specialize the drink and don’t forget to give masterpiece a sexy pet name to toast each other with.
4. DIY an Aphrodisiac Gift Basket
Customizing gift baskets can be a lot of fun — especially when the theme and focus is S-E-X. A local arts and crafts store is where you can find a basket and some cellophane wrap. As far as what to put in it: massage candles, edible massage gels, body paint, some (new) handcuffs, scented bath bombs, rose petals, body dust, edibles (check out “7 Proven Ways Weed Makes Sex So Much Better” and “Want More Frequent And Intensified Orgasms? Puff, Puff, Pass.” ), sex toys, Reddi-Wip…I think you get the picture. If you fill it up to the brim, you’ll have plenty of items that will keep you (sexually) motivated all weekend long.
5. Buy Each Other…Things to Wear
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Recently, I found myself in a state between finding something comical and damn near being triggered by it when a friend of mine told me that her husband told her that 1) he felt that he basically had no flaws and 2) he certainly doesn’t have them when it comes to how he expresses his love for her. Have mercy. It’s sheer nonsense like this that makes me say, more than I should ever have to, that WE alone cannot tell someone if we are a good lover or friend to them; THEY have to tell us (and vice versa). And what does that have to do with this point?
Although some of us are, certainly more than others, pretty much everyone is visually stimulated on some level and, although we may have some idea of what our partner likes — there’s no telling what we’d have on if it was left up to them to dress us. That said, why not use a Valentine’s Day sexcation as an opportunity to be each other’s…sensual stylist? Agree, beforehand, to only share each other’s sizes and then leave it up to one another to take it from there. You both might learn a thing or two about what (else) turns the two of you on if you do.
6. Increase Your Pheromones
Two things that many folks find themselves wondering about (as far as their legitimacy goes) are aphrodisiacs and pheromones. While aphrodisiacs are somewhat of a complex topic, when it comes to pheromones, specifically, it has been scientifically proven that they are substances/chemicals that one human secretes that grasp the attention of another. And how do sex pheromones increase?
Through exercise, sleep, and foods that contain the natural pheromones androstenone and androstenol including (believe it or not) celery, truffles, parsnips, and a blend of lavender and pumpkin pie. Out of all of this, did you peep that sleep raises (sex) pheromones? All I’m gonna say about that is check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand.” Sex and sleep? Rinse and repeat? Does a sexcation become any more blissful than that? I highly doubt it.
7. Take an Online Sex Course
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Right around this time, about three years ago, BuzzFeed published an article entitled, “These 22 Black Sex Educators Are Changing The Way We Think And Talk About Sex.” When it comes to this article, what it got me to thinking about is how beneficial it could be to take an online sex course while you and your man are relaxing (and sexing) at home. A married couple whose site is simply called Vanessa and Xander Marin has several courses here. There are also other options that you can find by going to your favorite search engine and putting “online sex courses” in the search field.
8. Play “Sex Truth or Dare”
Listen, if you want to have a potentially stress-filled Valentine’s Day, play “Never Have I Ever” with your partner (chile…that reminds me of the skit “Tiny P? Loose V” by Jade the Fade is startlingly hilarious). On the other hand, if you want to learn more about each other while also having a lot of fun, play a sexual version of the old favorite “Truth or Dare.” If your man chooses “truth,” you can ask things like “What’s your favorite sexual position?,” “Do you prefer oral or intercourse more?” or “What would you like to do that we’ve never attempted before?” — you know, things that will get him to open up to you in some different ways.
As far as dares go? Well, I’ll let you come up with some of those, although my next point can help to inspire you a bit (or you can purchase a Kinky Truth or Dare canister that already has some ideas prepared for you here ).
9. Alternate Sex Fantasies
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Probably the easiest way to explain a fantasy: it’s an idea or concept that is birthed out of your imagination. And here’s the thing — when it comes to executing some of your sexual fantasies, so long as you and your bae are mutually willing to try them out, it can make your sex life more spontaneous, more creative and so much more exciting. That said, in honor of the Valentine’s Day theme of your sexcation, why not start the time together off by agreeing that you each will share a fantasy and that you both will give what’s been said a shot?
Again, it’s got to be something that both feel safe and comfortable with; however, because a lot of couples fall into the rut of just “doing what works,” oftentimes they fail to bring deep desires to the forefront. A sexcation is the perfect time to change that. (By the way, some of the current most popular fantasies include BDSM, having sex in an unusual location, and taking oral sex to another level, so check out “9 Oral Sex Hacks To Make 2025 Your Most Satisfying Year Yet” when it comes to that last one).
10. Be Offline. THE ENTIRE TIME.
Unless you have young children (or sick parents), I don’t know why you need to be reachable during your sexcation. I also don’t know why it’s important to read news, scroll Instagram, or text folks for hours at a time. Hell, you can do all of that stuff when you get back to the real world. For now, enjoy the idea of focusing on no one and nothing else but you and your man. Besides, there is research to support the fact that intentional unplugging helps to reduce stress and stay in the moment which, interestingly enough, can increase your chances of having orgasms too. And speaking of orgasms…
11. Fill Up an “Orgasm Jar”
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Oh, the sex jar. If there is one thing that I wish that I had actually invented for my clients, it’s that. If you’ve never heard of one before, I once wrote about it: “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar”. Long story short, whenever a couple has sex, they should put money in a jar and agree to not take any out until 6-12 months later — then they spend it on something to do together. Whether it’s a movie or an international vacation, it’s totally up to them.
Well, something that I did just make up is an orgasm jar. While you’re on your sexcation, whether it’s from oral sex, intercourse, mutual masturbation, or whatever else, put money into a jar, each and every time one of you climaxes. At the end of the sexcation, go on a date. Again, the kind of date depends on how intentional both of you were (if you know what I mean). #wink
12. Stay Naked (As Much As Possible)
Clothes on…FOR WHAT? With the exception of the sexy fashion show that I referenced earlier, make the mutual decision to rock your birthday suits for the entire Valentine’s Day weekend. Being naked helps to boost your (sexual) self-confidence, keeps your vagina happy, increases male fertility (if baby-making is on the menu), decreases stress and it definitely promotes intimacy. And all of those are ingredients for having an exceptional sexcation.
BONUS: Rent a Vacation House
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The reason why I addressed having a sexcation from the comfort and convenience of your own home is because, if money is tight, that doesn’t mean that you have to skimp out on some mind-blowing sex — not at all. However, I did recently pen a piece about the fact that something as simple as changing the scenery of where you “engage” can also take your sexual experiences up a few notches (check out “How To Level Up Intimacy And Make 2025 Your Hottest Sex Year Yet”). So, if you’ve got a few extra bucks, splurge on a vacation house rental — then “Cupid” each and every room!
Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all!
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However, because you need dopamine in order to do so many daily functions (some signs that you are low in dopamine are located here, by the way), the focus shouldn’t be to avoid these rushes altogether. First, make sure that your “preferred hits” are used responsibly (and that you factor in short as well as long-term consequences or outcomes).
Secondly, check out the following 10 things that you can do to get a fix in a healthy (or healthier) way. Things that can benefit your mind, body, and spirit overall — so that your pleasure doesn’t come with any unexpected “extras.”
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1. Eat Foods That Are High in Tyrosine
Tyrosine is an amino acid. Your system needs it because it helps to reduce stress, boosts cognitive function and it helps your system to produce dopamine. That’s why it’s such a good idea to consume foods that are high in tyrosine including chicken, turkey, eggs, pumpkin seeds, lima beans, cheese and nuts.
2. Consume More Protein and Less Saturated Fat
Speaking of tyrosine, since amino acids are considered to be “the building blocks of protein” and protein is a rich source of tyrosine, you should also consume protein-rich foods like salmon, beef, bison, Greek yogurt, peanut butter, peas and quinoa. Just make sure that when you eat meat, you watch how you prepare it because saturated fats (like animal fat and dairy) can actually disrupt how dopamine is processed within your system.
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3. Take a Probiotic
You may already be aware of the fact that probiotics can do wonders for your gut health. However, were you aware that research also says it can help to put you in a better mood as well? Probably the easiest way to explain it is, your gut and brain are connected via something known as a gut-brain axis. And so, since your gut produces some of the same neurotransmitters as your brain does (including dopamine), when your gut is strong and healthy, it gives off a stronger “dopamine vibe” which, in turn, makes you feel better. The more you know. So, since a probiotic helps your gut to thrive — there you go.
4. Take a Multivitamin Too
Remember how I briefly referenced dopamine deficiency earlier? A few signs that you need more dopamine in your system include having trouble concentrating, being moody, having a decreased libido, your weight fluctuating (for what appears to be no reason) and you not being able to sleep (well) — and sometimes, these things are directly tied into not having enough of certain vitamins and minerals in your system. That’s why taking a multivitamin can also be good for you, as far as your dopamine levels are concerned.
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5. Spend More Time in the Sun
I’ve said a billion times before that I like random information. Well, while reading an article on natural ways to treat Parkinson’s disease, it stated that something that naturally increases dopamine levels is spending time in the sun. Apparently, when cells in your retina are exposed to sunlight, they send messages to cells that produce dopamine, so that your dopamine levels increase. So, if you like to exercise or just enjoy quiet time, consider doing it outside more often. Your dopamine levels will adore it.
6. Set a Goal. Then Reach It.
Even though there are some haters out in the universe who believe that too much hype is put into goal-setting (crazy, right?), so much scientific research disagrees. In fact, some studies cite that when you set a goal, that automatically causes your dopamine levels to spike, because it feels good to do something that will motivate, inspire and ultimately cause you to become a better person. Now just imagine how even better you will feel once you reach the goal that you set. AMEN?
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7. Listen to Instrumental Music
Wanna improve your sex life? Check out “Before You Pull Out Your Playlist, This Is How Music Affects Your Sex Life.” Along these same lines, wanna increase your dopamine levels via another all-natural way? Listen to instrumental music. According to science, dopamine is activated via stimuli like instrumental music. In fact, not only can listening to it make you feel a lot better, playing an instrument can too.
8. Meditate
If you don’t meditate on a consistent basis, you absolutely should ponder doing so. Studies show that it helps to decrease stress and anxiety levels, it improves your emotional health, it makes you more self-aware, strengthens your memory and even helps you to be a kinder individual. Know what else meditation has the ability to do: elevate your dopamine levels. According to science, by getting still and then concentrating on that stillness for a certain amount of time will provide certain neurotransmitters in your system with a real boost — including dopamine.
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9. Do What (Responsibly) Feels Good
When’s the last time that you did something purely for the fun of it? Believe it or not, there is a pretty popular study out here which says that most of us only spend three percent of each day doing something that we thoroughly enjoy. Y’all, it really is kind of wild that we don’t prioritize two things that are directly tied to our overall happiness and well-being: hobbies and quality rest (which I will get to in just a sec). That said, never feel guilty about choosing to participate in activities that make you laugh, bring excitement into your life and cause you to feel good about life. So long as you’re acting responsibly, it’s the right thing for you to do.
10. Get More Rest
Dopamine is on a cycle. That’s why it’s critical to get no less than 6-8 hours on a consistent basis; that way, dopamine can build back up in your system, so that you will have enough to get through the next day. So, if you are someone who keeps treating sleep more like a luxury than a priority, here’s hoping that this will finally get you to take shut-eye more seriously.
Your dopamine levels are dependent on it — which means that you enjoying life more does too, chile.
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