SELF Magazine's Alexis Bennett Dishes On The Ins And Outs Of Navigating Gigs As A Freelancer
I fell in love with writing many years ago and actually majored in Communications in undergrad with hopes of one day working in journalism. Unfortunately, it was my fear of failure that persuaded me into pursuing a different career. Since graduating from undergrad, I have always loved my career in management, but a part of me still longed for picking up a pen and letting my thoughts flow (while of course collecting coins - hey, a girl's got bills to pay).
Now fast-forward to almost five years out of undergrad, I have recently started a side gig in digital media. Prior to refocusing on my career in journalism, another dose of self-doubt came over me after I realized how over-saturated the blogging world was. No matter where you go or where you look, you will find a blogger. Because of that reason, it became discouraging to start seriously blogging and pursuing my dream. This is why I had to sit down and chat with Alexis Bennett, journalism pro with a background in freelance writing and editing. Alexis has done amazing work with Vibe Vixen, Essence, InStyle, Real Simple, and now SELF magazine. From starting her career from the bottom with unpaid internships to now having an editorial career with a mainstream, international medium, Alexis’ plight to perseverance and confidence is something that anyone can learn from that is trying to find their self and prosper in the journey to success.
During our chat, I was able to personally learn so much from Alexis in regards to networking as a freelancer, being motivated, and how to know when to charge for freelance work (and what to charge).
Here are my 8 takeaways from our chat:
You have to be fearless and persistent
I am a Southern girl from South Florida and went to college at Florida State University. After undergrad, I had dreams of moving to New York to work as a writer in the fashion industry. I didn’t have a job waiting for me in New York and the cost of living is outrageous, so I knew that the only way I could move without a job was to go back to school. So I went ahead and got my MBA at LIM college in Fashion Management and from that point on, I interned as much as possible to get my foot in the door. Interning and networking was important to me because I didn’t know anyone at all when I moved to New York so I really had to start from scratch. It was honestly tough because although I already had a Bachelor's degree under my belt, I felt like I should be able to get a job easily, but it did not work out like that. So between my internships and networking like crazy, I made the decision that no matter what I was going to do what was needed to work for a fashion magazine. I stuck with that decision and didn’t give up - no matter how hard it got or far my dream seemed.
[Tweet "Stick to your dreams even when it seems like they are falling apart"]
Sometimes you have to work jobs that you don’t want to get the career you want
Even after receiving my MBA, the fashion editorial jobs were not coming my way like I imagined. So what did I do? I did what I needed to do and took internships. Of course I would have rather had a full-time job, but if it was unpaid internships that I could get, that’s what I did. No, it wasn’t easy, but I feel like I made the right decision. I feel like at the end of the day if you know exactly what you want and an opportunity comes your way that aligns with that end goal, you should do it, no matter what it pays or if it is an internship. Because in the long run it will pay off. It may not pay off financially in the beginning, but you will gain experience and knowledge. Before now, I interned with Vibe Vixen and I worked for free. I pretty much worked wherever I could get a job. I worked at Bed Bath and Beyond folding towels (yes, even with a MBA, but I wasn’t bitter about it because I knew that the job was temporary and I knew I would get the opportunity that I’ve always dreamed of - it was only just a matter of time. So I worked at Bed Bath and Beyond, I worked at Barney’s as a Sales Associate, and then I landed a full-time position at Real Simple magazine as a fashion assistant. While I was interning for free, I was also doing little jobs to pay for my rent and other things. You have to always remember, no job is beneath you.
Know your worth as a freelancer
As a freelancer, you have to know when to charge, when not to charge, and what to charge at times. It’s really important to know your value and find opportunities that align with what you desire in the long run. After receiving my first paid gig as a freelancer, I used that as a starting point and did research to see how much freelancers normally get paid in my field. Also, when you look on certain freelance job sites, some companies will note how much they pay, so that is also another good resource to get an idea of how much you should charge for an article. After I started getting paid for freelance work, I realized that there were so many publications that paid, and I also started to realize my worth. Once I realized my worth, I communicated that when taking freelance jobs. Too often, I think that people don’t voice their value - they are afraid to negotiate. Fear of negotiating and not realizing your worth will keep you from receiving the most out of opportunities.
[Tweet "Know your worth. Don't be afraid to negotiate."]
Stay in touch with people, even when they don’t hire you for the job
Before I worked at InStyle full-time, I applied for an internship there but didn’t get it. Even though I didn’t get the opportunity when I first applied, I stayed in contact with the person that interviewed me and some of the employees there. During my internship interview with InStyle, there was a moment during the interview where the interviewer took me around the office and introduced me to several people. Immediately, I remembered their names and decided upon myself that I would reach out to them. Even though I didn’t have an email, address, or phone number, i found a way to connect with them. If you didn’t know it is so easy to figure out a professional’s email address. Most of the time, businesses have the same email structure - first name.last name and then “@” the business name. I simply just tried different combinations of each person’s name until I figured out their email address. When I emailed them, I didn’t send them anything creepy, I was polite and sent something like, “Hey it was so nice to meet yesterday in the office and I would love to stay in contact.”
To be totally honest, everybody that I emailed didn’t respond, but there was one person that did. I took the opportunity to stay in contact and build a relationship with her. After she responded to me, I scheduled a call with this person a week later and we talked and she gave me really good advice. About two years later, she reached out to me to see if I knew of anyone that would be interested in working with InStyle. At that moment, I reminded her that I was still interested in working with them and landed the job. I fully believe that this opportunity wouldn’t have come into existence if it wasn’t for me staying persistent by following up, sending random emails, and really just staying in contact.
I think that’s really important because often when people interview for jobs and don’t get them, they don’t send anything back. By sending messages back, even if that is just thanking them again for the opportunity to interview, you will be remembered by the hiring manager. Even more so, by staying in contact with them, it is more likely that they will remember you when they are hiring again. For example, I have done this to various people by sending them emails of how I saw their work in XYZ magazine, or I would casually email some writers and say things like, “Hey, I saw you on the Today show, talking about XYZ,” - literally just sending random emails and staying on their radar.
If you don't have a degree - networking and ambition can take your far
Even though almost every job in most industry says you have to have a bachelor’s degree, I don’t think it is 100% crucial. I really think that in most industries (especially the writing industry) it is more about who you know. 90% of the opportunities that I’ve had occurred because of the relationships that I have built. If you don’t have a degree and want to be a writer - don’t be discouraged or think it will break your chances of being successful. Just network, be fearless, and believe in yourself. I honestly feel like that is more valuable.
Do not sleep on LinkedIn
I recently just got a new job working at SELF magazine and I will be the new Assistant Style and Beauty Editor. The way that I got this new opportunity is an amazing story on its own. I was really happy at InStyle magazine and wasn’t looking for a new job. SELF magazine actually reached out to me on LinkedIn and that’s how I secured this new position. I think this shows the importance of having an updated and active LinkedIn account and a presence online that accurately reflects your work.
Take some time out of each day to focus on yourself
I love quotes and right now the background at my desk is “raise the bar higher.” Whenever I do something, I am always trying to outdo myself. Not necessarily looking at other people and what they are doing, but focusing more on myself. I always try to push myself further.
I also love to meditate and be centered with myself. At the end of the day, you have to learn how to listen to your own intuition and be able to make the best decisions for yourself. Motivators like mentors are great, but no one knows you better than you. If you are not in tune with yourself, your vision can be clouded by the influence of others.
I am currently reading the The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and the section today discussed how important it is to plan ahead. When you plan ahead and can foresee that you will have a busy day, that is when you should already make time to spend the most time for you in the morning. You should at least try to spend one hour to yourself. Those days that you feel the busiest is when you need more time for yourself, to refocus on you.
The universe will give you signs -- pay attention
My favorite book of all time is The Alchemist. I read this book right after I moved to New York and I really connected with the main character. Similar to the main character, I was on my journey of finding myself and my treasure and I had to figure my way out through it all. Just like the book said, there are so many different things in life that unconsciously speak to us. Unfortunately sometimes when we don’t pay attention to the signs of the universe, life knocks us upside our head to get our attention.
Just as Alexis says, we have to remember to stay centered and focused in our careers - especially as entrepreneurs and freelancers when times get tough. Also, even when we apply for opportunities and are rejected, remember that there is power in following-up and networking - Alexis is a perfect example of the outcome of it.
Brittani Hunter is a proud PVAMU alumni and the founder of The Mogul Millennial, a business and career platform for Black Millennials. Meet Brittani on Twitter and on the Gram at @BrittaniLHunter and @mogulmillennial.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images