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7 Tips That Have Helped Me Abstain From Sex
If you're someone that has decided to abstain from intercourse or any type of sexual interaction for a course of time, you know the struggle is real.
I'm currently at a time in my life where I've been celibate for a year. I decided I was tired of the same routine with men and that I was going to wait until I felt a serious connection with a man to share my sexual energy. The frustration set in when I had just been ghosted by a dude I was talking to for a couple of months that I was highly interested in.
We talked, we dated, we had sex, he disappeared… A lot of us know this story like the back of our hand.
Looking back, I realized I missed a lot of red flags he was waving simply because I had low self-esteem and didn't know what I wanted in a relationship. I was just happy we were talking and forced the notion that there was some sort of connection between us. Whew chile! There really wasn't! A year later and the connection is nowhere in sight, let alone a good night of bust-it-wide-open sex. When I set out on my path of celibacy, I never thought it would go this long. So far it's been pretty smooth but there are those rough moments when I wish I had a good booty call on speed dial.
Here I am a year later, as dry as the desert I live in but more stronger mentally and physically than ever. Celibacy is not for everyone but is something that can be obtainable as long as you have these 7 tips!
1.Set the ground rules of what celibacy or abstinence specifically means to you and why you’re setting out on this journey.
Make sure abstaining from sex is something you are very serious about and are only doing for yourself! Celibacy is no walk in the park and can be extremely hard if you don't have a serious mindset. You are the one in control, and you always have the choice to decide to hold off from having a sexual relationship. Be extremely clear and transparent about your reasons for wanting to practice abstinence. Set feasible boundaries of how much sexual interaction you are willing to have and start to following those personal rules immediately.
There are different levels of abstinence. Some people do not want any physical contact, like kissing and hand-holding. Some people allow making out and some light touching but no activity that could lead to orgasm. I choose to practice an "everything but" approach, only abstaining from activities that involve genital to genital contact or penetration. Don't make a decision based off of someone else's expectations for you, make the decision to be celibate because it's something you truly want to experience.
2.Have a strong support system!
A strong support system makes the difference! You want people around you, whether friends or family, that support your decision to abstain from sex. Abstaining from sex is a very controversial topic and most people have strong opinions about why you should or shouldn't abstain from sex. Being able to talk to my girlfriends about the struggle of abstaining from sex and hearing their words of encouragement have helped me greatly. There are also many forums online where you can discuss abstinence. If you're shy about discussing your decision with friends and family, going online can help.
3.Be transparent about your decision and boundaries.
If you find yourself interested in a potential partner, you need to make the boundaries that you set in tip #1 clear. Talk to your partner about why you're choosing to practice abstinence and make your expectations and boundaries clear. This tip alone has helped me to avoid a lot of men that had no real interest in getting to know me but who just wanted to have sex. I've decided that any man that cannot support my decision to abstain from sex cannot be someone I move forward with in the future.
4.Avoid substances or situations that may impair your judgement.
Try to stay away from situations where it may be hard to say "no." One of the times I almost broke my commitment to myself was when I sent a booty call text while tipsy on alcohol. I was very aware of what I was doing and had decided I was going to have a wild night of tipsy sex. Thankfully, my text wasn't responded to quick enough and I didn't succumb to my desires. As I abstain from sex, I have to be aware of situations that may trigger my flesh and potentially challenge my decision to remain abstinent. I know it's extremely hard for me to be alone in a room with a man I'm strongly attracted to and not have sex. I avoid putting myself into a scenario where I may find myself weak. Be aware of situations that may test your will power and avoid them at all cost.
5.Remind yourself why you chose abstinence.
There have been times when I've become extremely impatient and wanted to revert back to my old ways with men and sex. Journaling the reasons you chose abstinence can help remind yourself that you made the right choice. Journaling and constantly referring back to the exact reason I started this journey helps me to stay strong and motivated.
6.Masturbate.
Masturbation has helped me tremendously! Masturbation can be good for mental and physical health. It has been a way for me to easily deal with sexual desires and also learn more about my body without having sex. Through self-pleasure, I've found a healthy way to relieve stress and become more comfortable with my body.
7.Find other ways to channel your sexual energy.
Channeling my built up sexual energy into other activities has helped me curve my urges. Some activities that have helped me on my journey are:
- Travel
- Blog
- Exercise
- Photography
- Dance
- YouTube
Although I didn't set out on this journey with a specific timeframe in mind, I'm thankful that I've had this year to really focus on myself and my personal goals! I've lost weight, my skin has glowed up, I've almost paid my car off, I joined a book club, made new girlfriends and I finally started my blog! This year of abstinence has been fulfilling in so many ways I never thought it would be! I legit thought I couldn't survive without sex. I had this notion that without sex I would become desperate and jump on the first penis I saw but I'm happy to say, I'm wrong!
Now when I think of what I want in a partner, my thoughts have become more clear due to being abstinent and I'm confident in what I have to offer in a relationship. When I'm craving that good booty call, I use these tips to remind myself of why I set out on this journey and that the connection I'm waiting for will be well-worth my enduring patience. If I've waited this long, I can wait a little bit longer for what the universe has in store for me. I must trust the process of growth that is happening eternally and externally in my life and know that when my fruit shows, it will be the sweetest fruit I've ever tasted.
Monique L. Spearman Is the quirky best friend you wish you always had! Self-proclaimed Beyhive president, this lipstick lover addicted to spicy food is living her best life based abroad. Storytelling her way around the world, the proud Seattle native seeks adventure through travel. Keep up with her on social media @raineyamore and her personal travel-lifestyle blog raineyamore.com.
Featured image by Getty Images
- 6 Reasons To Be Abstinent For A Season - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- What Is Outercourse & How To Have Some - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- I Broke My Three-Year Celibacy Streak, And It Was So Worth It - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, Wellness ›
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
‘ACross Generations With Tiffany Cross’ Have A Candid Conversation About Diversity In Media
Being the only Black person at your job can often make you feel isolated. There’s no one to relate to or who even understands your background. This is a conversation that many Black people have among each other and a topic that was covered in the latest episode of ACross Generations with Tiffany Cross.
Host Tiffany sat down with media professionals Michele McGhee and Sidney Madden to discuss everything from diversity in media to their own journeys in the industry. Tiffany, who has worked at many media platforms such as BET, revealed that during her time at CNN, she felt isolated and dismissed by her coworkers.
“Not only isolated in what you looked like but isolated in your lived experience and have people summarily dismiss your humanity on a daily basis,” she said.
Michele agreed; however, she took a different approach toward the dismissiveness she experienced while working at CNN.
“I would sit there, and I’d be like, oh my God, I’m the only one, and really it made me connect to my faith because I said God wants me to be the only one because He wants me to have this voice. He wants me to have this moment, and He wants me to go on this journey because if you’re with someone else, I can’t stretch and grow you the way I need you to be.”
She continued, “So now, as a 58-year-old woman, I never ask God, why am I alone.”
Michele is now the co-founder and CEO of Expectant Media, a company that elevates Black-owned media and creators.
Sidney is a writer and host of NPR’s podcast Louder Than A Riot. When she began working at NPR, she was one of three Black people and the only Black woman in the music department.
She recalled a moment when she pitched a story about Cardi B’s buying power before she became mainstream and how well it did on the site. The story reminded her of the value she brings to the table.
She said, “It was a point of validation for me because I’m like, ‘Oh, actually, I can learn all this stuff you’re talking about, but there’s some things you’re never gonna know. And I’m truly gonna be the expert in that I can assert in this place that you can never take away from me, and that’s the voice.”
Watch the full episode of ACross Generations with Tiffany Cross below.
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Feature image by ACross Generations with Tiffany Cross/ YouTube