In xoNecole's Our First Year series, we take an in-depth look at love and relationships between couples with an emphasis on what their first year of marriage was like.
It's true what they say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," and after being in a three-year long-distance relationship the love between Ijeoma and Jonathan Kola is absolutely adoring! These love birds crossed paths during freshmen year on the campus of Harvard University. Both bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, the two were eager to jumpstart their college careers and take on the world. But, as fate would have it, cupid interfered and redirected their sights.
"He gave me very 'fresh off the boat' vibes. I'm from Nigeria. I was born in Nigeria, but I grew up in America and Jonathan was born in Kenya and grew up in Kenya. He came to college from Kenya. To me, he was very African," recalled a hysterical Ijeoma. Jonathan's Prince Akeem in Coming to Americapersona didn't scream husband material to Ijeoma right away, but Ijeoma's bubbly personality and positive spirit intrigued Jonathan instantly.
During the couple's senior year, their friendship blossomed into a full-blown relationship. After graduation, Jonathan moved across the globe to Nigeria and Ijeoma moved to New York to pursue a second degree. She admitted she wasn't thinking about marriage then, but being in a long-distance relationship really forced them to really get to know each other on an emotional level. Two years later, Jonathan moved back to the U.S. to attend graduate school in California. By the second year of their long-distance romance, Ijeoma knew she could spend eternity with Jonathan. "I knew that I wanted to be with him, but I also knew I didn't want to be long-distance," said Ijeoma. She spiced things up when she presented Jonathan with the ultimate ultimatum.
Read carefully ladies, Ijeoma told Jonathan, "If you don't propose by my birthday, we got to keep it moving." Keep it moving was clearly the last thing Jonathan wanted to do. A few days before her 25th birthday, Jonathan popped the question and the rest was history. In this installment of Our First Year, Ijeoma and Jonathan sat down with xoNecole and gave us all the details on their struggle with communication, loosening family ties, and the best advice they received during their first year of marriage. Here's what they had to say:
*Responses have been edited and condensed for clarity.
The One
Ijeoma: I don't know if there was an exact moment [when I knew he was the one]. Maybe after the second year of being long-distance. I was living in New York, and I had other options. I kind of felt like if I was willing to do this long-distance with this guy who's so far away in Nigeria at the time, then I must really care for him. I think that's when I knew he was the one. It was during that long-distance process.
Jonathan: When we started dating in college, marriage wasn't really on my radar. As we continued dating and things were working out well, it was pretty natural just to fall deeper into the relationship. Until Ijeoma said, "If you don't propose by my birthday we have to keep it moving." I was just about to graduate. I was trying to picture myself down the road. I was trying to figure out life. She made me see that it was the right time. For me, it was natural with a bit of encouragement. We were dating, we kept dating, and it was going well.
Courtesy of Jonathan & Ijeoma
"I was trying to figure out life. She made me see that it was the right time. For me, it was natural with a bit of encouragement. We were dating, we kept dating, and it was going well."
Meet Me At The Altar
Ijeoma: After his first year of business school, which I think was the summer of 2015, he was in school in California. We were doing long-distance. He did an internship in New York, so we lived together for that summer. In general, I am not comfortable living together before marriage, but we decided to do it because of financial reasons. That process of living together made me feel I wasn't going to shack up with somebody who wasn't trying to marry me. So, I think us living together in that summer, at least from a time perspective, made me feel like marriage was the next thing that we needed to do if we wanted to spend so much time together. If we wanted to be together all day and create a shared space together, then we should get married. Emotionally, I was probably there before then, but I think from a practical perspective it was after that summer. I was like, oh no, we need to get married if you trying to be with me all day.
Jonathan: I think for me knowing that I could spend the rest of my life with Ijeoma in a relationship was one thing, but taking the steps to get married and formalizing that was a different thing. You can feel one way toward somebody, but still feel like in your mind this isn't the right moment to get married. It was just a natural progression for me. She was exhibiting all the right things I liked like being caring, loving, sweet and I just enjoyed spending time with her. Those are things that reveal themselves over time, but they all add up to that feeling of okay, this is the one.
Courtesy of Jonathan & Ijeoma
"It was just a natural progression for me. She was exhibiting all the right things I liked like being caring, loving, sweet and I just enjoyed spending time with her. Those are things that reveal themselves over time, but they all add up to that feeling of okay, this is the one."
Overcoming Fears In Marriage
Ijeoma: Before getting married, I would talk to my mom about everything. So, something I believed would have to change if I wanted my marriage to be successful [was that there would have to be] things that I talk about with my husband that I don't share with the outside world because it's just between us. I have to train my mind to remember he is my family now. Sharing goods new with him is sufficient, and I don't need to go talk to my mom. Even when I'm looking for advice, it's okay for things just to be between him and I. I think that is what I was most worried about--whether I would be able to keep my mouth shut and not reveal all our business to my parents and to my other friends. I'm doing an okay job.
Jonathan: My biggest fear going into marriage was probably my biggest default--that was my trajectory. In my mind, from day one when I left Kenya, I thought I was going to move back and get a job. When you meet someone and make a commitment, all that stuff kind of goes out the window. In my mind, all those things that I wanted to do, I had to reevaluate. That was scary. Then I realized, marriage is two people coming together and being able to bring different goals and perspectives and trying to make it workable for both. I think it's something we are still working on, and we are taking short-term steps to see how we work. I think it is one of those challenges you face in marriage to become one.
Conflict Resolution
Ijeoma: For me, similarly, it's communication but on the opposite side of the spectrum. Growing up, I saw from my mom interestingly, not even from my dad, but my mom's style of communication to anyone was pretty abrasive when she is upset. Early on, I would raise my voice. Which would only be exaggerated when he would close the door, and go somewhere and not talk to me for three hours. I had to unlearn saying exactly how I felt at that moment. Although that might work for me and make me feel good, that might not be what the other person is ready to hear. Our unlearning goes hand in hand because they come from such different sides of the spectrum of conflict resolution and communication.
Jonathan: Whenever I'm pissed off, my initial reaction is not to tell her why I am pissed off. I just like to scowl at her for a couple of hours. It's not a good thing and I recognize that. That's one area where I'm trying to be better. Getting over things more quickly.
Courtesy of Jonathan & Ijeoma
"I had to unlearn saying exactly how I felt at that moment. Our unlearning goes hand in hand because they come from such different sides of the spectrum of conflict resolution and communication."
Important Lessons In Marriage
Ijeoma: I actually learned a lot about myself. Loving him has taught me that I am capable of doing things I didn't think I was capable of doing. He has supported me through my Ph.D. journey. I wanted to quit so, so, so many times, and he really was my rock on numerous occasions. He encouraged me endlessly, and also gave me the freedom to feel I can do it in my own way. The only reason I was able to finish is because I was able to let go of the traditional understanding of getting a Ph.D., going to conferences, and writing papers. He encouraged me to look beyond the typical traditional task and forge my own path, and do it in a way that would make me happy and fulfill my needs. That was the only way I was able to get it done. His support showed me that I am really, really strong and I can do a lot of things.
Jonathan: For me, [I've learned] everything is a choice. The way you respond to things is a choice. Sometimes I'm just stubborn. The sun will shine the next day and life will go on. Bad behaviors that build up over time can become very toxic. Just in the state of giving good vibes and good energy, it's the little small choices that can bring the right energy. It's healthier, and you grow from it.
Courtesy of Jonathan & Ijeoma
"He has supported me through my Ph.D. journey. I wanted to quit so, so, so many times, and he really was my rock on numerous occasions. He encouraged me endlessly, and also gave me the freedom to feel I can do it in my own way."
Love Language
Ijeoma: With me, it's about trying all the love languages and seeing what sticks that day. Jonathan is pretty simple when it comes to love language. For him, acts of service and quality time are the top two. We spend a lot of time together. We are very fortunate to spend a lot of time together. I'm quite messy, so I try to do things I know will make him happy or will take a load off him. I will often take on things I know he has to do or forgot to do. We took the test before we got married which definitely helped us.
Jonathan: Some people switch up their love language. They'll tell you it's one thing, but it's another. Sometimes you just have to do all five.
Common Goals
Ijeoma: A couple of weeks before we got married, we took a weekend trip and wrote out our marriage mission statement and our marriage values. It was Jonathan's idea. I don't know where he got it from. It was actually really good! It helped set a foundation for us. Our goal in marriage is to love one another the way that God loves us and to use our marriage as a way to share God's love and light with other people.
Jonathan: I wouldn't change anything she said. I want to amplify one point. It's really about making sure both of us are fulfilled and happy. As for goals, it just has to fit in the context of our marriage. If my individual goals don't fit into the context of our marriage, then I can't do it. At the end of the day, that's what's important.
Courtesy of Jonathan & Ijeoma
"Our goal in marriage is to love one another the way that God loves us and to use our marriage as a way to share God's love and light with other people."
Favorite Advice
Ijeoma: There was a time where I was on the phone with my mom, I was cooking and Jonathan had just come home from work. I had her on speakerphone, she asked, "Is that your husband?" I said, "Yes." She said, "Okay then, bye." I told her it's okay Jonathan doesn't mind, we can keep on talking. She said, "No, your husband is home. It's now time for you to be with him and spend time with him. You and I can talk some other time." That was a super-powerful moment because as I said earlier, that was something I had to work on--prioritizing my relationship with my husband as my first earthly relationship. Once we are back in the same space, it doesn't matter who you are on the phone with, what you're doing, stop and take time for each other and spend a little bit of time together.
Jonathan: The most memorable piece of advice I got was from a cousin who said, "Whenever I travel somewhere, I should bring back something small for my wife." Whether it's a hat or makeup bag, just something random. It's such a small gesture but it goes a long way.
For more of Ijeoma and Jonathan, follow her on Instagram and read her lifestyle blog here.
Update:
Soon they'll will have to make time and space for their first bundle of joy. Congratulations are in order as Ijeoma and Jonathan welcome their first child! To learn how Ijeoma broke the news to Jonathan, watch the video below. Stay up to date as they navigate marriage and parenthood by subscribing to Ijeoma's YouTube channel.
The Kola Family Is Expanding! Pregnancy Q&Awww.youtube.com
- We Got Married Five Days After He Proposed - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Our First Year: Dr. Carjie and Dr. Kerwin Scott - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Our First Year: Ray & Roslyn Singleton, Marriage - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
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And just how do you know that your tongue is in good condition? The main sign is that it’s a shade of pink (which can go from light to dark). Another sign is that your tongue doesn’t have any of the following 10 issues going on. If yours does — and especially if yours remains with these symptoms for more than a couple of days — don’t take it lightly. Because, even though your tongue is only aboutthree inches long (and a little over two inches wide), it’s a little thing that makes a really big impact. Therefore, you need it to be as healthy as possible at all times.
1. Red Tongue
Another word for a red tongue isa strawberry one. Strawberry tongues happen as the result of being vitamin B12 deficient, experiencing a food or medication-related allergy, or having an underlying illness. Another thing that can cause a strawberry tongue is TSS, which is the abbreviation for toxic shock syndrome (wild, right?). So if you know that you are low in vitamin B12 and your tongue appears red, consider taking a B12 supplement and/orconsuming foods that are high in the nutrient, like beef, tuna, eggs, salmon, and milk alternatives (like almond or oat).
If you suspect that something else might be the case, make an appointment with your doctor because you may need an antibiotic or a prescription-strength antihistamine. Plus, you may need your healthcare provider to confirm that you don’t haveglossitis, which is a condition that addresses tongue inflammation; it looks similar to a strawberry tongue, yet the treatment is sometimes different.
2. Yellow Tongue
If you’ve been noticing that your breath doesn’t smell as fresh as it usually does, stick out your tongue to see if it has a yellowish hue to it. If so, that could be the underlying cause, as a yellow tongue is oftentimes caused by poor oral hygiene and/or a build-up of bacteria. Now, while it should go on record that certain foods, drinks, medications, mouthwashes, and even smoking (tobacco) can temporarily “stain” your tongue, if that is the case, the color will fade; if not, you may have a bout of yellow tongue.
And if it is due to poor hygiene, simply brushing your tongue should remedy it. However, since a yeast infection of the mouth (yes, it happens) and underlying conditions like jaundice and diabetes could also be the culprit, don’t “Google” a home remedy here. If your tongue remains yellow after a few days — especially if you have other symptoms like vomiting, a fever, or blood in your stools — make an appointment to see your physician as soon as possible, just to rule out that nothing else is potentially going on.
3. Bumpy Tongue
Honestly, there are all sorts of things that can result in you havinga bumpy tongue. You could have bitten or burned it, which resulted in some sort of tongue injury, you could have a food allergy, or you could have some sort of oral infection or an STI/STD like syphilis (which has jumpeda whopping 80 percent over the past few years when it comes to new cases) or oral herpes or it could be something as simple (and hella common) as an old-fashioned canker sore.
If it is a canker sore (which is nothing more than a mild mouth ulcer), avoiding spicy foods for several days and rinsing your mouth with some baking soda and water should speed up the healing process. On the other hand, if the bump continues to grow or doesn’t go away within 7-10 days, your doctor may need to perform some blood tests to see why it is still hanging around.
4. White Coating on Tongue
Typically, if you happen to have a thin water coat on your tongue, you simply need to brush it. However, it would be irresponsible of me to not also bring up the fact that a white tongue could also be a sign of dehydration (especially from drinking too much alcohol), not consuming enough fresh fruits and vegetables, breathing through your mouth instead of your nose (which can “dry out” your tongue), damaging your tongue with a sharp object (or dentures) and/or smoking or vaping tobacco. The silver lining in all of this is you can pretty much resolve these with the help of a few lifestyle changes.
5. Sore Tongue
I don’t know what in the world makes people think that they need a condom for intercourse, and yet they can’t get an STI/STD from oral sex because that couldn’t be further from the truth. Pretty much any sex-related infection that you can get from intercourse, you can get from oral activity, so if you’re sexually active, not getting tested regularly, and your tongue has been feeling sore or you notice sores in your mouth, contact your doctor so that they can run some tests.
That said, it’s also important to keep in mind that ulcers, food allergies, smoking, nutrient deficiencies, certain medications, oral cancer, and various infections can lead to having a sore tongue too. Since the causes are so vast, when should you be particularly concerned? If your tongue develops lumps or blisters, changes color, or is also in pain, that’s your cue to see your physician. Please make sure that you do.
6. Green Tongue
If your tongue starts off looking white andthen ends up turning green, it could be due to a build-up of bacteria. However, another thing that it could be a sign of is oral thrush or even oral cancer. Since oftentimes this particular color is yeast-related, avoid trying to self-diagnose it. Instead, contact your doctor because there is a good chance that you may need the type of antifungal medication that requires a prescription.
7. Gray Tongue
Psoriasis is a chronic autoimmune condition; eczema is not, although it can produce symptoms that look similar to psoriasis, including an itchy rash. What a lot of people don’t know, though, is you can have psoriasis and eczema in your mouth. When it’s due to psoriasis, it’s oftentimes linked to what is known as geographic tongue, where spots and patches are on the tongue — and when those patches are actual lesions, sometimes they can appear to be gray in color.
Since eczema and oral cancer can also cause your tongue to look gray, it’s best to have your doctor or dentist take a look at it, especially if you have trouble eating or swallowing, too.
8. Blue Tongue
If yourtongue has a blueish hue (and it’s not because you ate something like a bowl of blueberries or had a blue or purple popsicle), the first thing that it’s probably a sign of is poor circulation. If that is the case, you need to head to an emergency room as soon as possible because blood circulation issues are absolutely nothing to play with. Something else worth taking note of is if you have some varicose veins on other parts of your body, it’s not totally abnormal to get a couple of them on your tongue as you get older.
Although that is not a medical emergency, you should still monitor them and bring them to your doctor’s attention at your next visit. Also, anemia can cause a blue or purple tongue, so if your tongue is that color and you’re constantly feeling tired or weak, you are lightheaded, you have shortness of breath, or an irregular heartbeat, put your physician on notice.Anemia is nothing to play with either.
9. “Hairy” Tongue
Did you know that your tongue is supposed to do some of its own shedding (not peeling but shedding)? Basically, the tongue's papillae are what gives your tongue its “rough” surface, and when those little bumps don’t get new cells, it can lead to what is known as a hairy tongue, which is simplya build-up of keratin that can make your tongue look “hairy.” Not only that but if your tongue gets to this point, food, bacteria, and yeast can accumulate and can turn your tongue into a totally different color.
Although more seniors than younger adults end up with a hairy tongue, it’s good to remember that it occurs due to poor oral hygiene and, although a tongue scraper (followed by consistent brushing of your tongue) should remedy the issue if a hairy tongue recurs, you should definitely make an appointment with your dentist or doctor. A hairy tongue, you should not have.
10. Peeling Tongue
Even something as small as a canker sore can feel like it’s big as hell when it’s on your tongue, so just imagine whata peeling tongue must feel like. More times than not, this is the result of oral thrush or physical damage that is done to the top layer of your tongue including constantly drinking or eating spicy or acidic foods. Although a peeling tongue tends to be more irritating than anything, if it’s accompanied by a fever, tongue swelling, or bumps that continue to grow or open up — you already know what I’m about to say.
You need your tongue, sis. Therefore, it’s important that you pay attention to when it sends signs that it’s not working at its optimal level. At the end of the day, whether you realize it or not, your overall health and well-being depend on it.
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