Multihyphenate Melissa Mitchell is clearly defying the odds and showing no signs of slowing down as a self-taught artist, entrepreneur, and the Chief Artistic Designer of her company, Abeille Creations.
From canvases and murals, to wearable art, such as headwraps, turbans, kimono's, and more -- Melissa's work has been featured and highlighted across numerous national publications, events, media outlets, and brand partnerships including: VOGUE, ESSENCE, Forbes, Huffington Post, Nike, Sheen Magazine, Art Basel, Ford, and The Sister Circle, just to name a few. Oh, and did we mention that Oscar-winning actress Lupita Nyong'o is also a fan of her work?
As if that wasn't enough, Melissa is now embarking on one of the most exciting and major collaborations of her career with the billion-dollar brand, Spanx. The new exclusive Melissa Mitchell & Spanx® Illuminate-Her™ collection is now available nationwide and in Canada! The collection will also benefit Black Girls Code. Talk about being productive while making an impact. Her spirit and her work ethic truly embodies that of a natural queen bee.
Melissa recently spoke with xoNecole about her artistic journey, how she was able to secure the bag and a Spanx deal, what it means to own your moment and own the room, and why it's important to trust God's timing and the gifts that He has given you.
xoNecole: How have you found purpose through your paintbrush?
Melissa Mitchell: Both of my parents were pastors and quite naturally they wanted me to follow in their footsteps. But I had to find God for myself. So, I traded the pulpit for the paintbrush, and my paintings became my prayers on canvas.
Now, I use my art to share my purpose. Art has become my platform, and it's allowed me to have a voice to my purpose and empower people. Because I'm so vocal about my story and what God is doing, people want part of that testimony [her art] in their house every day.
Instagram/Spanx
"I had to find God for myself. So, I traded the pulpit for the paintbrush, and my paintings became my prayers on canvas."
Your art is comprised of “vibrant colors, unique shapes, and bold dark lines.” Where does that inspiration come from?
Besides my Bahamian heritage, I always found a way to bring color into the picture as a way to express myself, as well as to heal because colors have healing power. Art was like my medicine. Around 2014, when I started painting, I wasn't feeling bright and bubbly and full of life. My father had passed away only a few years prior to when I started painting.
Not to mention, I was dealing with normal life frustrations and the societal pressures that many women face in their early thirties because I didn't have, nor was I doing, what I thought I was supposed to have by a certain age (e.g., success, marriage, kids, etc.). Nonetheless, my art helped heal my mindset. I pressed my way through all of that – the grief, the frustration, the worry – and I told myself, "I'm good."
What’s the story behind your headwraps and why are they so important to you, especially as a Black woman?
I started wearing headwraps in college because I enjoyed wearing something that allowed me to hold my head up high with a lot of confidence. Initially, I would use random shirts and random fabrics as my wraps, but I figured if I'm going to wrap my hair, then I might as well wrap it up in some art that represents my brand with the intent of possibly making money.
Four years ago, I specifically wrote that "one day, I will sit in boardrooms with headwraps on." When I walked in the Spanx conference room wearing my headwrap, I owned the room. Everyone said, "You look like a queen," and I said, "Oh, that was deliberate."
And so they called me "Queen" because when you come into the room with confidence and knowing who you are, people will begin to call you that without you even having to introduce yourself.
"When you come into the room with confidence and knowing who you are, people will begin to call you that without you even having to introduce yourself."
Tell us how this partnership came about, and how a last-minute decision led to this moment.
In 2018, I heard about the Illuminate-Her contest with Spanx. My mentor at the time, Kevin Williams, was looking for some people to sit in for a portrait that was being created. When asked what I was working on, I mentioned that I was waiting on my next big, global deal. When he asked me what I planned to do about it, I told him about the Illuminate-Her contest, and how people kept encouraging me to apply. However, I figured my work was too bright and I didn't think I'd be ideal for it, but he told me, "Well, you never know until you apply."
So, I went home that night -- the last day the applications were due. I stood in my kitchen and I prayed. I had one painting in my kitchen, one in my living room, and one in my bedroom. I took pictures of each of them, and those were the ones I submitted. The painting from my kitchen was the one that ended up being selected as the winner, which is what you now see on the new collection. And now, here we are.
What did this opportunity teach you as it relates to timing?
It's interesting because the winning design that was chosen was actually a painting I did back in 2015. I tried to sell it at four different shows, but when it didn't sell, I just kept bringing it home, and eventually I made it a part of my home décor. Clearly, God did not allow that painting to sell because it was going to be sold around the world; not just here in the Atlanta market.
It was a teachable moment for me because so often we ask, "When is it going to be my time," or "When is God going to call my name?" But it only took one opportunity to catapult my career to unimaginable heights. It reminded me that God's timing is ideal, and He can make up for all the time you thought you lost.
Nevertheless, it definitely wasn't an overnight success. What you see now is the success that I had been praying for…things that have been on my vision board for the past 15 years. In order to manifest things in your life, you have to have a whole lot of faith and a whole lot of patience. As my spirituality grew, my work grew, and as my work grew, it got the right attention of the right people.
The debut of the Melissa Mitchell and Spanx Illuminate-Her collection.
Melissa Mitchell/Instagram
"What you see now is the success that I had been praying for…things that have been on my vision board for the past 15 years. In order to manifest things in your life, you have to have a whole lot of faith and a whole lot of patience."
So, tell us about your new exclusive collection.
The Melissa Mitchell and Spanx Illuminate-Her collection includes the Bra-llelujah!® Illuminate-Her™ Bralette (also known as "Colorful Harmony")…but it's not your traditional bra. It's more like a comfortable sports bra that you want to wear every day. I've been wearing it for the past two weeks, and it makes you feel like a woman, yet young and vibrant, all at the same time. It's great for the younger lady who's training, as well as the seasoned woman who's trying to get her groove back. The collection also includes a matching Under Statements® Thong lluminate-Her™ Thong.
What was it like for you sitting in the Spanx boardrooms discussing your designs?
Honestly, it felt like home. It felt like I belonged there. It was a moment I had been preparing for. I felt like it was where I was supposed to be, and what God had called me to do. Similar to the feeling you have when you find the perfect dress or the love of your life…it's a feeling you can't describe. You just know.
For an artist who may be considering a lucrative deal or partnership, what is important for them to consider (aside from the money)?
As an artist, you have to be keenly aware of who you sell your art to. You have to control your narrative and your story. You have to think about the brands and the value they can bring to you.
When it comes to business, what is something you wish someone had told you?
Be okay with delegating. As business owners, everything is our baby and we want to touch everything and do everything. However, I had to learn how to let go of some of the small tasks and let people help me be great. The power of a team is much more powerful than you burning yourself out trying to do it all alone. There's no award for running yourself ragged, so let people help you.
What would you say has been your biggest lesson so far?
We think we're supposed to win everything we try, but anything I missed wasn't for me. That's why I'm not afraid to say or hear the word "no." Some "no's" are protective barriers, and sometimes, your "no" season is your preparation time. You have to be just as grateful for the closed doors as you are for the opened doors.
"We think we're supposed to win everything we try, but anything I missed wasn't for me. That's why I'm not afraid to say or hear the word 'no.' Some 'no's' are protective barriers, and sometimes, your 'no' season is your preparation time."
For other fellow artists and businesswomen, what would you say to encourage and empower them along their journey?
A lot of people don't trust their gifts, and instead, they worry about who's doing what to the left and right of them. Be confident in your art and expression, and trust the language God has given you. Trust your gifts, and trust what God gave you.
Don't get discouraged about what seems like an oversaturated market. There's still space for you to do your thing, but you may have to add your own special twist to it. Even though there may be a million artists out there, now there's a million plus one because I'm here!
You can check out the new Melissa Mitchell & Spanx Illuminate-Her™ collection. Keep up with Melissa's Abeille Creations on Instagram by clicking here.
- How Artist Melissa Mitchell Manifested A Groundbreaking Deal With ... ›
- Dealing With Grief As A Full-Time Entrepreneur - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
'We Had To Heal To Love': Taja Simpson And Ryan Easter’s Journey To Lasting Love
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
One of my favorite things about interviewing married couples and hearing their diverse “How We Met” stories is the way they affirm true love and integral beliefs. One principle that I wholeheartedly believe is that one must truly know and love oneself before effectively doing it for another human being, and Taja Simpson and Ryan Easter’s story affirms this.
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
Let me take you to a place nice and quiet. There ain’t no one there to interrupt, ain’t gotta rush. I just want to take it nice and slow. If you don’t know the source of those song lyrics — chile, I don’t know what to tell you because, as far as your customized sex playlists go, it should definitely be somewhere on one of ‘em. And when it comes to what we’re going to unpack, just a bit today, that is definitely the first jam that came to my mind.
Sex. Sex that is nice and slow. It’s the absolute best. Or is it?
Now, if you’re already thinking that I must be buggin’ to even question that, let me first state that sex and foreplay are not the exact same thing. By definition, foreplay is what transpires prior to actual intercourse — the prelude, if you will. As far as how long that should be, quite a bit of research says that 20 minutes is what most women prefer (you can read about that here, here, and here). Okay, but after the warm-up session, is it more satisfying for things to take a shorter (fast) or longer (slow) amount of time? And yeah, what about all of the thrusting? What does science say the speed of that should be as well?
I think it goes without saying that when it comes to sexual satisfaction, “to each his or her own” should be the mindset and motto (check out “I’ve Got 7 'Sex Mantras' That Will Seriously Improve Your Sex Life” while you’re at it).
Still, if you’re curious about what research and data say about fast vs. slow sex, I’ve got a bit of intel that just might surprise you.
This Is What Science Says “Fast Sex” Is
hurry GIFGiphyFast: moving or able to move, operate, function, or take effect quickly; moving or able to move, operate, function, or take effect quickly; done in comparatively little time; taking a comparatively short time: fast work
Okay, so question: When it comes to sex, when you think of it going fast, what’s the movement that immediately comes to your mind? If it’s thrusting, that tracks because, after all, how would penetrative copulation be able to transpire without it? Well, when it comes to thrusting — and more specifically, the pace/speed of it — guess who prefers it to be faster?
If you thought men…you actually thought wrong, chile.
According to a popular survey that was published several years back, although a little over half of both male and female participants stated that they would like “an even split” between fast and slow-paced sex, almost 32 percent of women said that they prefer faster thrusting while a mere 20 percent of men agreed (interesting, right?). It should also go on record that (surprise, surprise) the over-35 crowd is who preferred slower sex the most along with those who actually had a deeper emotional connection with their partner (also, not shocking — more on that in a bit).
And while women preferring faster sex may seem odd on the surface, I venture to say not so much if you factor in how many absolutely enjoy vibrators these days — and honey, it’s A LOT of y’all because it would appear that at least 82 percent of women own at least one sex toy. And since masturbation to the point of orgasming apparently takes under five minutes (it would also appear that most women prefer to do this around 9 p.m., by the way) and, reportedly, sex toys can help you to climax faster and longer — it’s no wonder that those devices are all the rage these days.
And you know what? All of this is playing out to look like if an “efficient orgasm” truly is the (ultimate) goal, taking a short amount of time doesn’t bother (many) women in the least; in fact, most women prefer it. And that alone is why it shouldn’t be surprising that many women would prefer faster sex because — have you seen how quickly those damn rabbits move? Basically, so long as some actual sexual stimulation is transpiring, the faster, the better.
Ah — so perhaps what also needs to be factored in is women who can orgasm from penetration alone (which continues to not be a ton — check out “Ladies, Please Stop Pressuring Yourself Over Vaginal Orgasms”) are probably fonder of faster sex. Why? Well, the more that their G-spot is directly stimulated, the easier it is for them to “see the mountaintop” — and so, if their partner took his time long enough for them to be “ready to receive him” (check out “Here's How To Increase Vaginal Lubrication. Naturally.”), the thrusting — even the fast thrusting — will be pleasurable instead of uncomfortable. Yep, it makes all of the sense in the world.
Then there’s the timeframe of sex. To tell you the truth, “fast” wins out in that department as well because the average time for the most desirable type of intercourse? It’s been widely reported that it’s somewhere between 7-13 minutes. A GQ writer collected X (formerly known as Twitter) data from almost 2,400 people about five years ago and 61 percent of them said that they like penetration to last between 5-10 minutes (only 26 percent wanted it to go over 11 minutes).
Hmm…so while throwback R&B singer Lilo croons about wanting to make love all night long (if you know, you know), it looks like more women are actually on some Miguel “Quickie” (well…kind of…LOL).
So, where does slow sex fit into all of this? Yes, let’s touch on that.
This Is What Science Says “Slow Sex” Is
sexy make love GIF by SatisfactionGiphySlow: moving or proceeding with little or less than usual speed or velocity; characterized by lack of speed; taking or requiring a comparatively long time for completion
Now, I already shared that one study stated that people over 35 and those with a deeper emotional connection reportedly enjoy slower sex more than anyone else. From strictly a health angle, a part of that may be because, with age, comes things like delayed ejaculation for men and, for women, the shift/drop in sex hormones (during the later stage of perimenopause, in menopause and post-menopause) can make it more difficult to orgasm (or experience the same type of intensity of one).
Aside from that, though, pretty much every article that I read on the benefits of slow sex had more to do with the mental and emotional side of the sex than the physical benefits. For instance, slower sex makes (more) room for eye contact, being able to enjoy more intimate time with your partner, and you to get more creative (or romantic — check out “Tonight's The Night For A More Romantic Sexual Experience With Your Partner”). Then there’s the relevant point that slower sex encourages you to be more mindful (meaning, “in the moment” — check out “How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?”).
Also, many experts believe that slower sex is what can help to close the orgasm gap because it encourages men to slow down (since they can orgasm way quicker and easier than most women) and “wait” for their partner to “get on the same page,” climax-wise, as them.
Now, I will say that I found some data that stated that many people don’t prefer intercourse to go over 30 minutes because then it can start to feel a bit uncomfortable (for both the man and the woman), so that’s a point off for slower sex, for sure.
So, this reads to be that slow sex is great sex on a connection tip, not automatically or necessarily a peak-of-physical-pleasure one…because, again, we’re not talking about foreplay (or afterplay, for that matter); we’re talking strictly intercourse here.
Okay, So Which One Is Better?
GiphyAight, so now that you have all of this science-backed information to ponder over, what are your thoughts? Did you go into this assuming that surely slower sex is best — yet now you see that some pretty solid points about faster sex have been made? Maybe you never looked at fast sex this way because you never “separated” foreplay from actual sex — now that you do, perhaps fast sex doesn’t warrant the eye rolls that you used to give it. Or maybe you’re someone who isn’t wired to enjoy sex unless it’s slower because a deep emotional connection must be present for you to enjoy sex at all.
To me, when I think of “better,” I think of something being more satisfying, and, strictly, from a scientific standpoint, it does look like more foreplay first and faster sex second is the winning combination.
That said, though, I honestly believe that the greater focus needs to be that paces are “in sync” because, if your partner is fast and you are slower (or vice versa), that probably makes for the most “womp-womp-womp” sexual experience of all.
I also believe that if you got no other takeaway from all of this — DO BOTH. Don’t turn your nose up at fast sex (including quickies) and make time to connect with your partner…because even if you don’t always cum from slower sex, the emotions that are shared can still make it a truly wonderful experience.
Finally, share this with your partner. See what he has to say. It might be time for him to separate foreplay and sex, for a more satisfying experience for all parties involved (just sayin’).
At the end of the day, again, doowutchyalike (the real ones know) — just don’t knock what science says about it all…because what you may have turned your nose at, with a bit of tweaking, it could quickly because your all-time fave. No pun intended. #wink
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Featured image by Giphy