July! The month we've all been waiting for as we prepare once again to enter the wild wild west of the Eclipse Season.
Once again, we get to take a look at the concepts of fate, destiny, and karma as we all decide whether we want to move up or down on the karmic scale. The beginning of the month kicks off crankily with Mercury in Leo arguing with Mars and Jupiter, making him irritable, quick-tempered, verbose, and loud as hell, as leonine Mercury roars out rallying cries that inspire others around him to act. We all receive an opportunity to speak with pride and passion on the topics and projects that we're deeply invested in as well as using our creative and collective minds to come up with solutions for the difficulties in our personal and shared worlds. It's important to remember that it's not always the loudest voice in the room that has the answers but the voice that is willing to listen and collaborate in order to be effective.
On July 10, Jupiter leaves his retrograde journey to station direct at 13 degrees of Scorpio, bringing our attention all the way back to his retrograde story. (December 12th through March 8th) Jupiter's been working to show us how we've been expanding and relating to the world. Have you been openly passionate about how you meet new experiences? Or have you been running away in fear when opportunities for growth and abundance come your way? During his third and final pass see what's changed about how you open up and have faith or belief in yourself and the world.
July ends with a big bang with a strong, highly martial and potentially violent Lunar eclipse on July 27 at 4 degrees of Aquarius. Remember Mars is retrograde until August 26, so his energy can be both explosive, sudden, and unusual. People will be acting "strangely" so don't be too alarmed. It's a busy, busy month so click through the slideshow below to learn what July has in store for your sign!
Aries
Love
You may be a bit of a homebody for the first part of the month, Aries, so chill out for a couple of days. Your focus is more serious with Venus in your house of Daily Routines and Health putting you in a perfectionist mood where you'll be wanting things to go certain ways especially in regards to your relationships with others. If you're currently single, you could very well meet a potential love on-the-job or find yourself interviewing potential suitors like they're trying out for the job of being your boo. It's not that you're uncaring, or unsympathetic to their obvious interest in you, but you want to be logical about how you express your love and affection to new mate(s).
Work
To be perfectly honest, it could be that your work and career is just more satisfying than spending a lot of time on romance that could fizzle out before summer is finished. That's fine, because Jupiter's forward movement will help you realize that you have the power to take control of your life when you do the dirty business of facing fears and being brutally honest about your underlying desires as motivation. Basically, you're in no mood for weak sauce from anyone right now.
Health
The Solar Eclipse on the 12th will be energizing your House of Home and inviting you to make it more comfortable and less cluttered with mental-emotional baggage, so that it's easier for you to rest and function within that that sacred space. The Sun's movement into Leo will give you a burst of energy to go out and play while Mercury does his retrograde dance in the same house. The two of them will encourage you to tap back into your creativity and rediscover your sense of humor if it's gone missing over the past few weeks. Just stay true to yourself, Aries, it's good for your health.
Taurus
Love
Turn up your natural charm, Taurus. July is a month that revolves around enjoying yourself within your relationships. Jupiter turns direct in your House of Partnerships on July 10, replenishing you with both luck and an abundance of suitors if you're looking. If your one-on-ones with people have been challenging, or if your business partnerships have been an issue as of late, expect kerfuffles to smooth out as Jupiter begins to retrace his steps with his extra wisdom on his side. Think back to March of this year for relationships that might be up for yet another pass. Know that you're in a space where there's plenty of opportunity for love, romance, creativity and playfulness as Venus enters into your house of Creativity and Romance on the same day. With these two benefits on your side, you may find that it's much easier to compromise and find the middle ground with others. This all works out in your favor as the Solar Eclipse on the 12 will be encouraging you to communicate, socialize and not allow boredom or monotony to set into your day-to-day. Go out, meet people, keep your mind engaged.
Health
Pay attention to your health around the end of the month; you could be experiencing some social fatigue with Mercury settling down to go retrograde in your House of Home and Family. Your mind tends towards nostalgia, and cloudy emotionality during this time as he tries to make sense of what's off in your home and work environments.
Work
Chances are that you're spending too much energy in a situation at work that's leaving you drained and uncertain if you want to continue down your current career path. Try to speak up for yourself and see if a solution can't come about through collaborative efforts at work. If that fails, there's nothing wrong with hanging out on the couch with your family until you feel ready to act. Patience is still one of your best virtues, Taurus.
Gemini
Health
July is the month to get your mind back in order, Gemini, especially with Jupiter in your House of Health and Daily routines stationing direct on July 10th. You should feel more like yourself in terms of getting tasks done as opposed to spinning your wheels as you have been since March. Do your best to take in Jupiter's lessons as he gives you yet another chance to handle your details so that your details don't handle you. Don't get too carried away with your endless to-do lists and errands as around July 9, it could quickly become the case of putting too much on your plate and not having the energy to keep up with yourself.
Work
Use the solar eclipse on July 12 to plant new seeds and set your intentions around your money, assets, and you self-esteem. If you've been meaning to invest in a new financial venture or been thinking about financial planning, this New Moon Eclipse will be useful to you. Take it as a moment to consider just how much you want for yourself in terms of money and career, and whether or not you feel like you deserve it.
Love
Keep in mind it's much easier to receive love in our lives when we believe it is our right to have it. You do deserve it, so claim what's yours. Your ruling planet Mercury going retrograde and the Lunar Eclipse at the end of the month will force you to slow down enough to consider the boldness of your ideas and whether or not to act on them. Your mind will take you as far as you allow it, Gemini. Think big.
Cancer
Health
July is the kind of month that will have you saying f*ck it, Cancer. After months of struggling to maintain healthier relationships, this is a good time to reimagine yourself, build confidence, make a little money, and have some fun while you're doing it. Everyone else can fend for themselves while you take care of you and your health first. The beginning of the month sees Jupiter and Neptune lending positive support to your ego, so spend extra time in the mirror with those positive affirmations and blown kisses. The solar eclipse on July 12 will be in your House of Self, meaning you get to plant a new intentions about your self-image, Little Crab.
Work
Think about how learning how to wield some of the power dynamics that you've experienced in your partnerships with others and how you can use them in different areas of your life, including your career. Leave all the negative expressions of power struggles behind and embrace the ones that make you feel confident and able to stand up to whatever or whoever comes your way.
Love
Jupiter stationing direct in your House of Creativity and Pleasure is encouraging you to go outside and play more than you have been lately, get back into your hobbies. Go dancing, play music, romance yourself or somebody else and see how that feels for a change. Venus gives a nod to your House of Communication making her chatty girl who loves conversations with new people that help her to understand the wider world so if you're invited to go out, say yes. Chances are love and excitement are waiting for you to come say hello.
Leo
Health
This month marks the beginning of your birthday season, Leo! Happy Solar Return and many more! Though this month may have you wanting to retreat at times (cuz whoa, talk about crazy intense energy, these days!) don't lose hope, as typically things all work out in the end when you're being eclipsed like you are. First off, make an effort to spend time with people who boost your confidence. Venus moving into your House of Money and Self Esteem will be pushing you to invest in you and your health this month. If it looks pretty, and makes you feel pretty, go for it (within reason and your budget, of course!).
Work
Although Venus in this position tends to get a bit carried away with her spending, she's also good at bringing in additional cash just when you need it most. You could put a portion of your spending towards your home, as Jupiter turns direct and draws your attention back to your roost. If you've been thinking of renovating, expanding, or moving to a bigger place, Jupiter and Venus can work together on your behalf to make it happen from this month forward. Having a strong homebase and foundation will be of use to you as you continue to work on your career and your one-on-one relationships with others this summer.
Love
Partners are still behaving strangely thanks to Mars, so do try to show love by being patient and allow disagreements to blow over quickly as opposed to becoming knock down fights that no one can remember how they started. Choose your words, and your battles wisely, Leo, and if all else fails, just pack it up and go home. Tomorrow is still another day.
Virgo
Love
Sometimes you feel social and sometimes you don't, Virgo. That's fine so long as you're going with the flow of the month. You'll be feeling more inclined to be seen during the first half of the month, with Venus entering your sign and your first House of Self on the 10. Venus in this position should bless you with additional charm and grace while making you seem extremely attractive If you are in the market for a summer love fling or longer relationship. Yes, Virgo, they're looking at you, because they like what they see, embrace that sh*t. Whatever your current romantic status, the point is to seek more pleasure from your everyday life. Jupiter turning direct in your House of Communications will be giving you ample opportunity to connect with others as your voicemail and calendar suddenly fill to capacity. You'll be feeling pretty and witty when you're out engaging in refreshing and enlightening conversations with the people who'll be drawn to your energy.
Work
The New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 12 is bringing in even more social engagement energy by activating your House of Friendship and Organizations providing you even more opportunity to broaden your network of friends and involvement with like-minded groups in ways that can boost your career.
Health
All this socializing may have you feeling burnt out towards the end of the month when the Sun enters your House of Unconscious, followed by Mercury turning retrograde in the same house. You may find that you're reluctant to share your deeper thoughts with others or be less inclined to go outside at all and who could blame you after such a busy first half of the month. Use this downtime to clear your head, tend to your health and reflect on what you've experienced in the last 12 months and prepare for a new solar year as your birthday season approaches.
Libra
Work
July should feel easier for you, Libra, as Jupiter finally turns direct in your House of Money and Self Esteem, allowing you to feel more confident about what you believe in and want for yourself. This is perfectly timed since the Solar Eclipse in your House of Career on July 12 will be asking you to plant new seeds and vision around your burgeoning reputation. Pluto is also involved In this Eclipse, but instead of being overwhelmed or frightened by his influence, use that energy as fuel. Pluto in your House of Home helps to uproot all sorts of familial stories good and bad that have helped shape who you are. Lean into the familial traits and characteristics that can propel you forward in your career as opposed to hold you back.
Love
Mercury retrograde through your House of Friendship and Organizations on July 26 will have you paying extra attention to those that you associate with and how they push you to take pride and go powerfully towards your vision for the future. Just be sure to pay attention to Mercury when he's squabbling with Jupiter, on the 9, as he will inform you whether or not your values are on the same page as the people that you love and associate with. Don't be shocked when you find that some people won't be joining you going forward.
Health
Your health is maintained when you Indulge in some good old fashioned fun with your ruling planet Venus In Leo during the first few weeks of the month that she will invite you to go out and socialize and have a good time but once she enters Virgo on July 10, it's a good time to retreat from the world to recharge your batteries so that you have an easier time letting go of whatever doesn't serve you.
Scorpio
Health
You get some of your energy back this month, Scorpio. Jupiter finally turning direct after 4 months of being retrograde should finally see a boost in both your health and your optimism. You now have a better understanding of faith in yourself and random blessings and luck from the universe. Allow Jupiter to push you towards opening up to life again if you've been feeling closed off.
Love
Venus going through your house of friendships and organizations will be encouraging you to socialize and potentially get set up with a new love interest by your friends or meet someone new who just happens to share your interest. It's okay to take it slow and and just enjoy in the company of like-minded people but be careful around July 24 when Neptune comes to chat with Venus and puts a bit of Illusion and haze around romance and money affairs. Use your Scorpio perceptiveness to cut through the nonsense. If it seems too good to be true, chances are that it is, but it doesn't mean that you can't enjoy the ride.
Work
Mercury retrograde and the lunar eclipse taking place on the 26 and 27 of the month will have you thinking about your work to home life balance. Are you spending too much time at home or at work? Do you like the work that you're doing or the home that you're living in? Mercury may have you reconsidering your career and reputation path while he goes retrograde, while the South Node of Fate in your house of home and family will help clear out any family angst, drama, and discontent that might be putting a downer on your home life and dragging on your ability to succeed at work.
Sagittarius
Health
You should start to move out of your funk this month, Sadge, with your ruling planet Jupiter finally turning direct on the 10. Since March, he's been urging you to reflect on some of your more well hidden fears so that they can be processed and released, as opposed to weighing you down as you proceed on your journey. If you're still feeling grayed-out, use Jupiter to help boost your health by finding a spiritual practice that revolves around rebuilding your faith in the Universe and in yourself.
Love
Venus moving into your House of Career and Reputation will have you standing out in the crowd, appearing more attractive and charming to the public and even gain you favor from people in power. If you're in the mood for love and affection, Venus in this position may bring you an older lover interest who happens to like sharing their wisdom and expertise with you. You could use the wisdom you learn from new partners to help you get clear about what you want to transform in your life when the Solar Eclipse on the 12th activates your House of Intimacy.
Work
Once that happens, anything having to do with letting go of fears that block your blessings and straightening out your finances (especially if it relates to debts, loans and taxes) would be ideal. Set a new intention to be more honest in how you relate to others and your relationship with money. An automated savings account wouldn't be a terrible idea to invest in this month. The money you save while being a responsible adult could come in handy by the time Mercury turns retrograde and the Lunar Eclipse lights up your House of Distant Travel and Higher Learning. Can you say, "fly me out", Centaur?
Capricorn
Work
Keep your calendar wide open as the heavens will be pushing you out into the world this month, Capricorn. On July 10, Venus will be entering into your House of Higher Learning and Expansion, leaving you interested in all things related to expanding your heart and mind to new experiences. This could come in the form of taking a new class, or meeting new people with different cultural backgrounds than your own. Think about how to utilize what you learn for your career.
Love
Jupiter will be lending a hand when he turns direct in your House of Friendship and Organizations on the same day making it easier to come across like-minded people who may be supportive of your hopes and wishes coming true. All this socializing is right on time as the Solar Eclipse on the 12th lands right in your House of Partnership. If you're on the hunt for a new love relationship this month will plop you down amongst people that you'd be interested in spending more one-on-one time with. The only catch is that you're not particularly interested in the small talk.
Health
Mercury in your House of Intimacy isn't here for the shallow conversations or frivolous connections with others, so if you find it hard to communicate on a deeper level with potential mates, maintain your health by letting them go to avoid future frustration. If you've been meaning to do research, be sure to use Mercury to your advantage especially when he goes retrograde in this house for you it's a good time to go over your fears and underlying motivations to make sure they match up with how you take action on acquiring your assets, money, and sense of purpose and self esteem. There's no time for fake sh*t Capricorn, if you want to connect in a deep way now is the time to do so.
Aquarius
Love
This month is all about your relationships, Aquarius. ALL the relationships. From your romantic partners, to your family, your co-workers, bosses, frenemies and open enemies, you name it. And most importantly, the relationship you have with yourself.
Venus moving into your House of Intimacy will give you a push to probe a little deeper within your relationships, go beyond the niceties and be real with each other about why you're choosing to be together. You don't have to go over the top with expressing affection, instead go for consistency and reliability. If you do and mean what you say with conviction and a bit of planning, love flourishes.
Work
As challenging as the energy has been for you so far, it's important that you learn to lean into the discomfort of being more welcoming of those who are different from you but still share some of your core values. The Eclipses have been teaching you about compromise and balance, the natural give and take that comes with the act of being in one half of a partnership. You may find that people you engage with have a lot to say this month about how your career ambitions are causing friction due to feelings of neglect. This may not be necessarily true, but listen all the same. This isn't the time to fight, Water Bearer, especially with Mars retrograde in your sign,you just don't have the juice or the direction to throw down the gauntlet.
Health
It would ideal for your health to just chill out for a while. Try instead to to look backwards and review how you can behave differently to get different results from people. Get them onboard with your ambitions, so that conversations become more productive where both parties feel inspired to act toward a shared goal for a change.
Pisces
Health
Get yourself out of the house for the first part of the month, Pisces. Your ruling planet, Jupiter, turning direct on July 10 will have your optimism and desire to socialize with other on the rise. The energy as of late has been taxing on your health but remind yourself that life is good even if things are looking crazy on the outside. Do your best to keep a positive outlook and try not to stress over the little things. If anything, this is a good time to get back into teaching or writing as a way to open up your mind after feeling down and disoriented.
Love
Venus entering into your 7th House on the same day moves you in the direction of forging new relationships with particularly attractive people *wink wink*. If you're already in a committed relationship, this would be a good time to play up the love and romance. The Solar Eclipse on the 12 will be electrifying your House of Romance and Creativity, so if you've been feeling lonesome or out of step, make it a point to go play, to date, and to create, not just the arts but anything that comes to mind.
Work
Career takes somewhat of a backseat this month as Mercury retrograde and the Lunar Eclipse on the 26 and 27 respectively will have you going back inside and into your quiet place where you'll be meditating on your subconscious emotions. Floating in unknown and unseen is typically your domain, Pisces, so be open with yourself. Try not to suppress any emotions that come bubbling to the surface during this time. Should you find that there are emotions and thoughts that are too overwhelming, use Mercury to channel them into productive activities like exercise or cleaning out your closets. Sometimes doing chores can help organize the swirling intangible thoughts so that you can reference them later for deeper understanding.
Featured image by Getty Images
- Horoscopes - Broadly ›
- July 2018 monthly horoscope ›
- Monthly Horoscope for July 2018 | Old Farmer's Almanac ›
- Monthly Horoscope: Gemini, July 2018 - Broadly ›
- June Monthly Horoscope - Free Horoscope for June 2018 ›
- July Horoscope 2018 – Monthly Horoscope – Astrology King ›
- Monthly Horoscope July 2018 - mindbodygreen ›
- Monthly Horoscopes by The AstroTwins, Ophira & Tali Edut ›
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
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Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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