I’ve got a friend who hasn’t taken a lunch break pretty much since the pandemic (well, lockdown; technically, we’re still in a pandemic, y’all). I think that’s crazy — and I’ve told her that much. As someone who has worked from home, literally, since 2000, I get how you can get caught up in your work (especially if you really enjoy what you do); however, she works in an office setting and, as far as being thrilled to do what she does? It really depends on the day that you ask.
That said, sadly, whenever I nudge her to take her lunch break in order to literally get a break, she simply says that she has too much to do to leave her desk and grab something to eat. Umm, you feel this way every damn day for multiple years at a time? In my opinion, something is off — way off, especially since she typically stays beyond the time that she is off of the clock and then turns right around and works on the weekends, too (even though it’s not actually required of her). To me, this is the classic sign of someone who is a workaholic.
Unfortunately, she’s not even close to being alone. In fact, I actually once read that around 30 percent of people fall into the workaholic category — and while many of them think that it’s simply an indication that they are passionate about what they do, it’s actually a red flag that something is definitely awry. It could be rooted in low self-esteem and the desire to prove that they are good enough. It could be the other extreme and be about narcissism and the craving for constant praise and appearing to be better than everyone else. It could be because their upbringing has “programmed” them to believe that overworking is a sign of being a good worker. It could be that they use work as a way to avoid issues and/or "cope" with stress.
As I was doing more reading up on workaholism, I thought about how I used to be, what I would call a “relational workaholic.” And you know what? A lot of the reasons are very similar to why people go overboard on their jobs. Interestingly enough, the signs of being a workaholic in the relationship realm — romantic, familiar, and platonic — are very similar too.
I’ve shared many times that one of my favorite quotes of all time is, “The excess of a virtue is a vice.” Aristotle said it. It means that anything done in the extreme will eventually become problematic because life is all about balance. That said, now that I’ve introduced this concept, you’ve always wondered if you could possibly be a relational workaholic; I’m going to compare it to some signs of being a traditional workaholic.
After reading this all the way through, do some journaling, and then hop into the comments and tell me what your ultimate conclusion is. Because if you are a workaholic — any kind of workaholic — take this as your sign that something has to give.
You Try to Be Perfect in Your Relationships
GiphyIf you are in a semi-serious relationship and either you find yourself walking on eggshells or you are hiding some significant things about yourself in order to appear…less human than you actually are, please hear me when I tell you that you are doing yourself, your relationship and the person you are seeing a gigantic disservice. Just like a telling sign that you’re a workaholic on your job is that you are a perfectionist, a big indication that you are a relational workaholic is if you try and hide your flaws or issues with those around you too.
And here’s the thing: not only is perfectionism totally unrealistic, it’s stressful, it’s exhausting and, at the end of the day, it’s not very rewarding.
Plus, on the relational tip, it can really affect your ability to trust the people you are dealing with because there will always be a part of you that is wondering if they would stick around if they really knew what you were all about. Always remember that in order for individuals to complement your life, they’ve got to know who they are complementing — and that can’t happen unless you are being a genuine person. Perfectionism robs you of that.
You’re Stressed Out
GiphyEven though I just touched on this, let’s go a bit deeper. Although both jobs and relationships have moments that may be stressful, if either one of these things is constantly bringing you anxiety, if it’s always got you worrying about something you said or did, if it’s bringing tension or strain into other parts of your world — if at the end of the day, it feels like a burden, guess what? You are in something that is unhealthy for you, and no amount of money from a job or attention (or time) via a relationship is worth it.
For one thing, stress can be the cause of health-related issues like obesity, heart disease, irregular periods, cancer, diabetes, and depression. Also, being stressed hinders your performance, pretty much across the board. Meaning, if you’re stressed out at work, you won’t be very productive, and if you’re stressed out in your relationships, it will just bring more pressure, drama, and potential trauma to everyone involved (one way or another).
You know, it’s been reported that around 34 percent of folks are in a constant state of feeling overwhelmed all of the time. Oftentimes it’s the result of either doing too much or not prioritizing things well. This can happen at work, and it can happen in your relationships, too. Bottom line with this one is, nothing should be stressful all of the time. If that’s what you’ve currently got going on, you already know what I’m about to say.
You (Always) Prioritize Them over Everything Else
GiphyYour job is what you do; it shouldn’t be all of what you are. And you know what? Your relationships shouldn’t be all-consuming, either. For the record, I don’t care what kind of relationship it is — (gasp!) even your spouse or your children. And listen, if what I just said triggered you in some way, you’re the person who needs to read this part of the article, especially because it is never a good idea to be so involved in something or someone that other things are constantly falling by the wayside, especially yourself.
On the work tip, folks like this oftentimes find themselves in positions where their manager or supervisor totally takes them for granted (even if it isn’t intentional). Relationally, your spouse can either take you for granted (sometimes without even noticing) or they can end up feeling suffocated while your kids can either become stagnated (due to you doing everything for them) or entitled (because they expect you to do everything for them).
Back in my hella codependency days, I was good for prioritizing a lot of folks over myself. The way that it would manifest in my world is I would take care of other people’s needs ahead of my own. Sometimes, it would be so extreme that I’d find myself covering other people’s bills before paying the ones that I had. All it did was result in me ending up with more problems and becoming resentful towards them that I did something that, oftentimes, they never asked me to do in the first place (yeah, codependency, by far, offers more liabilities than assets).
Anyway, by definition, a priority is something that has the right to take precedence over other things; it’s something that deserves special attention. And while many things can — and should — be a priority in your life, sometimes those priorities need to shift around (a bit), especially if you are the one who is being left out as far as your list is concerned.
You Do More than What Is Required
GiphyLISTEN. HERE. I don’t know about you, but I have had experiences with individuals where, after literally doing the absolute most for them, when I brought up that I wasn’t being appreciated, their response would be something along the lines of, “I never asked you to do all of that in the first place.” Ouch. And although it can be really easy to play the victim card out in times like these, I’m recommending, from very up close and personal experience, that you really ponder what they said — because sometimes, both at work and in relationships, we really do go overboard.
Sometimes it’s because of our enthusiasm about the job or connection we have with another person; however, other times it’s because, deep down, there’s a part of us that thinks that if we don’t do more than is actually required, they may not see the use for us or want us around as much.
As far as relationships are concerned, my main point here is if someone truly likes you for you and values what you bring to the table, you won’t have to bend over backward or damn near go broke just to have them in your life. Know what else? The giving will be so reciprocal that you won’t feel like you are the only one who is going above and beyond — the mutuality will be quite evident. If that isn’t the case, red flag central, sis.
Some of Your (Other) Relationships Are Strained
GiphyThere is a classic workaholic who is reading this who needs to hear what I am about to say: IF YOUR JOB IS PUTTING A STRAIN ON YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, YOUR LIFE IS OUT OF BALANCE. And for the relational workaholics who are checking this out, let’s look at your friendships for a second. If you’ve got one friend who is so needy (or is it selfish?) that you find yourself pouring so much time, effort, and/or energy into them that you don’t really have time for anyone else, that isn’t a very healthy dynamic.
Although there are definitely going to be times when certain friends will need more from you than others (because we all know that life do be life-ing out here), your friends aren’t your children; what I mean by that is you shouldn’t be out here emotionally babysitting grown adults to the point where other relationships are neglected because of it.
Hmph. I had a friend back in the day who couldn’t stand one of his wife’s friends because he said that the woman was borderline disrespectful. She would call his phone if she couldn’t find his wife, she would call at inappropriate hours, and she felt entitled to a lot of his wife’s time. Although, in my opinion, his wife should’ve nipped A LOT of that in the bud, this is a good example of when one relationship can put a strain on another.
When you’re used to overdoing things, you might fall into something like this without even noticing. Now that I’ve brought it to your attention, though, I hope you’ll reflect on whether this point personally applies to you — and then make adjustments where necessary, if so.
You Don’t Know How to Make Time for Yourself
GiphyChile, if there is one thing that I am gonna do over here, it’s make some time for myself — aggressively and unapologetically so, too. This has become even more of a practice since I’ve had more coaching clients because, although I enjoy what I do, I ain’t got no lies to tell you: sometimes humans can be draining beings and, when you do the kind of work that I do if you’re not careful, you can find yourself getting so absorbed into their stuff and their world that you end up neglecting your own needs…and nothing about that is even remotely good, beneficial or healthy.
You know, if you’ve ever heard that you should give to others out of your “overflow” instead of your “lack,” there is a ton of truth to that. If a friend is going through a breakup and needs to talk, it’s okay to take a walk alone or a nap before returning their call or heading over to their place. If your boyfriend needs you to do something for a relative that drains your energy (or spirit), it’s OK to decline until you are mentally or emotionally in the space to do it without an attitude or a feeling of resentment. If someone needs a favor, you are well within your rights to make sure that you have “it” to give and that you’re not just granting their request simply because they asked.
Workaholics, in any form, oftentimes suffer because they don’t prioritize themselves. Work-wise, they tend to do more than they are compensated or rewarded for. Relationally, they typically end up feeling used, even if it’s not until months or later when their bandwidth has been pushed to its limit. Neither outcome is helpful. Do all that you can to avoid it/them.
You Are Motivated by Fear More than Love
GiphyAre you killing yourself at work because you’re scared of what will happen if you don’t? Are you killing yourself in one (or more) of your relationships because you’re afraid that you could lose them otherwise? Another point that’s worth going in all-caps: DON’T DO THINGS OUT OF FEAR. More times than not, when we’re scared of something or someone, that is alerting us that something about it/them is unsafe.
Your company may be unpredictable (financially or when it comes to how it prioritizes things), or they may have a pattern of using intimidation to get folks to do more than their job description. You may have some people in your life who…don’t so much care about you; it’s more that they enjoy the benefits that come from being in a relationship with you. And because you know this and yet you ignore it, you allow fear to motivate you to do whatever it takes to keep the position — at work or with someone…when it really may not be worth it.
I am a living testament to the fact that outcomes are different when you do things out of love instead of fear. That’s why I once came up with the quote, “Love is a gift. Not a bribe,” because that is the absolute truth. And so, if you’re doing things in your relationships out of fear, step back and get to the root of that. Fear creates anxiety, doubt, despair, suspicion, and uneasiness — does any of that sound like the foundation of a solid relationship to you? Yeah, me neither.
As I wrap it up, whether you’re a workaholic or a relational workaholic, ask yourself if you’re “doing it for the love” or if something else is going on. Fear is alerting you to problems. Love will help you to create boundaries to keep everything in balance. Always choose the latter — you’ll toil so much less if/when you do.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Then there were those who gave up their zip code altogether and found a permanent home in the skies. After years spent recruiting students for a university, Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare became a full-time travel influencer and founded her travel company, Shakespeare Agency. And she's not alone.
These stories mirror the experiences of women across the world. For millions, the pandemic induced a seismic shift in priorities and desires. Corporate careers that were once hailed as the ultimate “I made it” moment in one's career were pushed to the back burner as women quit their jobs in search of a more self-fulfilling purpose.
xoNecole spoke to these three Black women who used the pandemic as a springboard to make their wildest dreams a reality, the lessons they learned, and posed the question of whether they’ll ever return to cubicle life.
Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.
Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.
Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.
Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
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Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023