Gabrielle Union Says She Used To Date Light Skin Guys To Validate Her Worth
As a woman of a darker hue, I've always wondered why it always seemed less likely for me to be the object of certain men's affection and desire. Was it because I'm not thick with curves? Do I not fulfill the modelesque stature idealized by some guys because I'm barely 5'3"? But ever since I can remember, the back of my mind always screamed, "It's because you're dark-skinned."
Now, don't get me wrong, I love the skin I am in, but for a long time, it bothered me to think that I am placed outside of the dating pools of many men that, ironically, have the same complexion as me. Was it because of my own comfort in my skin color or is it something much deeper than that?
Recently, Gabrielle Union joined Ashley Graham on her podcast Pretty Big Deal with Ashley Graham. The two discussed everything from colorism, raising young black boys in today's world, and the concept of the code-switch.
The 45-year-old actress is consistently an open book when it comes to her life, and this time she opened up about her past experiences with learning to love her own dark skin and the effect it might have had on her own dark-skinned stepsons. Gabrielle mentions the fact that her boys and their friends may or may not have a subconscious preference for women who are of a lighter complexion. They recently had a much-needed conversation about the girls they chose to follow on Instagram and whether or not when they inevitably see girls that are the same complexion as they are, are they able to see their beauty in them and, in turn, within themselves. She says:
"We have to go a little deeper. What is it about your skin that you can't see a girl your skin color and see the beauty in her? Do you see the beauty when you look in the mirror? Because for me, I feel like you're projecting feelings you have about yourself onto these young women, in erasing them, and ignoring them, and not seeing their beauty."
In the conversation, Gabrielle also addressed a point in her life where she only dated light skin men as if it were a badge of honor to gain their affection. Presumably, her lack of confidence in her own skin needed to be pumped up by the affection of a man who might not normally date a woman darker than he was. Her inability to self-validate in her youth served as a catalyst to discuss with her stepsons the importance of seeing beauty in themselves and everyone else around them. She reveals:
"I somehow thought I was more visible and real and valid and worthwhile if a light skin boy found me attractive. Like it was somehow negating my darkness, and in the reverse, what is it about what you see in yourself that makes you erase these young women. I want you to be able to see that women are beautiful in every shade, shape, race, ethnicity, religion – along the spectrum there is beauty. And right now, I'm seeing a very, very, very narrow scope of beauty."
It's no secret that Gabrielle Union is an awesome bonus mom to her husband Dwyane Wade's sons. During their discussion, the L.A.'s Finest star goes into more detail about her very real fear surrounding the boys' safety in an increasingly volatile world, why their privilege doesn't translate when they are outside of the confines of their home, and what she is teaching them about interacting with authority figures in traditionally white spaces. She says:
"It's terrifying… it's terrifying. Once they're old enough to move around without being physically tethered to you, you just hope they come back. You know all the obstacles they could face in any given day. You know how their skin has been demonized and criminalized and weaponized, especially in Florida. Any one of my neighbors can kill my kid and get away with it and say, 'I was afraid.' That alone is terrifying...
"...there's a certain level of privilege and entitlement that they've been raised with – but that won't matter. You don't walk around with your parents' credit scores and their bank accounts on your forehead. You are just occupying space in a black body in traditionally white spaces. You cannot respond to authority figures, police officers, our neighbors' security officers, teachers in the same way your friends can. And it's that proximity to whiter or lighter privilege that they can see that is infuriating to them."
Ashley then asks her how are they raising their sons to be strong black men. Gabrielle acknowledges that while she is still trying to figure it out, she also wants them to never shrink themselves to please anyone else while doing whatever it is they need to do to return to their family safely if confronted by an aggressive encounter with an authority figure.
"That is the question, right? I haven't figured it out. What we do, which is part of what makes me fearful, is 'You are a strong, proud, beautiful, intelligent, world global citizen. Stand in that knowledge. Be proud of that. Own that space. Don't shrink for anybody.' But in the same breath, when you are in the presence of the police, if acting subservient will bring you home, you do whatever it takes to come home and then you let me whoop somebody's ass."
In her book We're Going To Need More Wine, Gabrielle discusses growing up in a very white world in which she feared others seeing and recognizing her blackness. This feeling transitioned when she used to visit with her grandmother's side of the family and being framed by her own family as "white". This combination led to real identity issues that took her many years to overcome.
Ashley posed the question of what she would she tell young Black girls struggling with similar feelings of not being good enough or too black or not black enough. She reveals:
"It's a journey to worthy, right? … I tell people first and foremost, 'Baby, you are worthy from birth. You are worthy as a thought. You are worthy as a zygote. So, as you move through the world, do not be afraid of taking up space. Do not be afraid of living your most authentic life. I get code-switching because I do it all the time, but you don't have to. Whatever your authentic voice is, that's what you ride with. You don't have to switch it up to be something to everyone because you will end up being nothing to you."
In addition to feeling the need to code-switch, as Black women, we also have to contend with the perception of perfection. What does it mean to be the "ideal" Black person? Who came up with this equation in the first place? To me, there is no measure to what a "real" Black person has to be. For others, people are ready to quantify your Blackness based on a list of things that would be highly impossible to adhere to at all times. For Gabrielle, regardless of your level of blackness, you are worthy and your journey is real. She tells Ashley:
"The other day I was talking about the performance of perfection. And we have this idea of what a 'perfect' black person is, and white folks have this idea of what a perfect black person is, which is usually a mute or somebody that amplifies white supremacy – that centers white supremacy. And I have been that person. And in my own community, this idea that you have to be the wokest, dopest, most natural-hair-wearing-est, most fully evolved, educated formed person at all times – it's impossible because we're all on this journey. And no matter where you are on that journey, you are a dope person, you are a worthy person, and who you are as a black person wherever you are on that journey is real and valid. However, you sound, that's okay too."
Colorism is a real thing that seeps into nearly every aspect of our culture, whether we like it or not. The truth is, without the proper amount of self-love, anyone can become susceptible to "only dating light skin" people, improper and unjustified run-ins with authority figures, fears of not being "black enough", and a host of other nuances that permeate our society. Until everyone is able to see the value in every person that walks this earth, we will forever be on an uphill battle.
It is important that as a community, we continue to promote love for all colors and hues, and uplift every young person enough to know and recognize the beauty reflecting back at them from the mirror. Maybe I am optimistic, but self-love and the promotion of diversity is an important step in overcoming the scourge that is colorism and racism.
To watch the entire podcast, click here.
Featured image by Sean Zanni/Getty Images
Michelle Schmitz is a writer and editor based in Washington, DC originally from Ft Lauderdale, FL. A self-described ambivert, you can find her figuring out ways to read more than her monthly limit of The New York Times, attending concerts, and being a badass, multi-tasking supermom. She also runs her own blog MichelleSasha.com. Keep up with her latest moves on IG: @michellesashawrites and Twitter: @michellesashas
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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The Power Of Your Big 3: Understanding The Astrological Significance You Hold
Explore your sign’s 2024 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
Astrology has become even more mainstream and a phenomenon than it ever has in the past. We have gone beyond the, “What’s your sign?” and have moved into “What’s your big 3?” seemingly overnight, and rightly so due to the significance of knowing these important details. Your Big 3 in Astrology represents your sun sign, your moon sign, and your rising sign.
This trifecta is thought to be one of the most significant details of your birth chart and gives you and others more of a full-picture look at who you are beyond just your sun sign.
What Does Your Big 3 In Astrology Say About You?
Knowing your big 3 is important, especially if you are someone who has never really resonated with your sun sign. You read about what it means to be an Aries, but may not align with what you see or your experience with other Aries. Meanwhile, the whole time, you have a Libra rising, the complete opposite sign of Aries, and this is why you have always seen yourself as a more laid-back and less confrontational Aries.
Elements hold a key role in your birth chart and having a big 3 where the elements are all compatible or the same often signifies someone who knows who they are and is comfortable in their skin. Whereas someone with a different element for each part of their big 3 may have challenges with identity or defining who they are or how they want to present themselves. It’s a different type of perspective when looking into your big 3, and it helps you see where your strengths and needs are in life, and how to tap more into this potential.
Your Big 3 In Astrology Explained
Your big 3 can help you navigate life by understanding which part of you comes out more in different circumstances. At home, you are most like your moon sign, when you are out and about, you are most like your rising sign. Whether you are at home or out and about, your goals, purpose, and interests are most like your sun sign.
You can find out what your big 3 is by looking up a ‘Birth Chart Calculator’ on your search engine, typing in your birthday details (you will need to know your birth date, location, and the exact time you were born), and generating your birth chart.
Read below for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
YOUR SUN SIGN
Your sun sign represents the core of you and what motivates you to shine and be your best self. This is your personality, goals, purpose, identity, ego, interests, direction, and where you light up in life.
FIRE SUN (Aries Sun, Leo Sun, Sagittarius Sun)
If you are an Aries sun, a Leo sun, or a Sagittarius sun, you are outgoing, confident, fearless, and in tune with yourself and your personal goals and desires in life. You go after the things you want, and you are not afraid to take up space. You are someone who prefers to be more independent, and you are often in more leadership roles in life.
EARTH SUN (Taurus Sun, Virgo Sun, Capricorn Sun)
If you are a Taurus sun, a Virgo sun, or a Capricorn sun, you are grounded, dependable, loyal, hard-working, and logical. You prefer the finer things in life but also work hard to get where you are. You are someone others feel they can rely on, and you are often a support for other people in your life. You are very connected to the material sides of life, and have a gift for manifesting.
AIR SUN (Gemini Sun, Libra Sun, Aquarius Sun)
If you are a Gemini sun, a Libra sun, or an Aquarius sun, you are light-hearted, free-flowing, intelligent, and communicative. You speak what is on your mind, and you love to connect and communicate with others. People know you for the things you say and your out-of-the-box ideas, and you are someone who is open-minded and provides a safe space for people to be authentically themselves.
WATER SUN (Cancer Sun, Scorpio Sun, Pisces Sun)
If you are a Cancer sun, a Scorpio sun, or a Pisces sun, you are thoughtful, generous, emotional, loving, and compassionate. You care deeply about the people you love, and you are always there for others. You may be more emotional than most, and this is due to your strong intuition and open heart. You are creative, inspiring, and motivated towards connection in life.
YOUR MOON SIGN
Your moon sign represents your emotions. This is the way you express yourself emotionally, how you process your emotions, what you need in love, what makes you feel safe and nurtured, your desires, intuition, your inner world, and what’s going on beneath the surface.
FIRE MOON (Aries Moon, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Moon)
If you are an Aries moon, a Leo moon, or a Sagittarius moon, you are someone who is not afraid to communicate your emotions or how you are feeling, and you can feel your emotions from a mile away. You are confident in yourself and are someone who stands up for what you feel is right. You have a strong need to be seen and heard in your relationships, and a certain type of understanding is needed for you to emotionally thrive. You may have some challenges with anger or high energy and are working through emotional impulses in this lifetime.
EARTH MOON (Taurus Moon, Virgo Moon, Capricorn Moon)
If you are a Taurus moon, a Virgo moon, or a Capricorn moon, you are someone who is emotionally grounded, safe, comforting, and logical. You aren’t overly emotional and may not show your emotions to people much at all, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have them. You think before you speak, and you process your emotions before acting on them, and you tend to be more down-to-earth and understanding when it comes to other people’s emotional worlds as well. You are someone people go to when they need someone to talk to you as you are a very good listener.
AIR MOON (Gemini Moon, Libra Moon, Aquarius Moon)
If you are a Gemini moon, a Libra moon, or an Aquarius moon, you are someone who is fun, outgoing, and emotionally open-minded. You don’t like heavy emotions or too much emotional drama, and you tend to be more go-with-the-flow in this area of your life. Good conversation and mutual understanding are very important to you in your relationships and you want funny banter and inspiration in your connections with others.
WATER MOON (Cancer Moon, Scorpio Moon, Pisces Moon)
If you are a Cancer moon, a Scorpio moon, or a Pisces moon, you are someone who lives by their heart and values your emotional world deeply. You crave a deep type of intimacy in your partnerships and you need a partner who is going to give you that type of emotional connection. You are more private with your emotional world and you tend to hold a lot in, but this can often lead to sudden outbursts as well. Overall, you are the definition of emotion and others learn a lot from you on what it means to love and to feel.
YOUR ASCENDANT (RISING SIGN)
Your ascendant sign represents your perception and the energy you put out into the world. This is the way you come across to others, the way you express yourself, your physical traits and aesthetics, how you manifest, society, and what you expect from the world around you.
FIRE ASCENDANT (Aries Rising, Leo Rising, Sagittarius Rising)
If you are an Aries rising, a Leo rising, or a Sagittarius rising, you come across to others as confident, bold, and stylish. You are known for the way you look or the way you present yourself, and you are usually adorned in bright colors or wearing something that others take a lot of notice of. You are someone who walks into a room, and all eyes are on you, and you love that. You want to be on the move and on the go, and you love to show up in the world exactly as you are today. You see the world with a lot of possibilities and like it's yours to have fun and enjoy yourself in.
EARTH ASCENDANT (Taurus Rising, Virgo Rising, Capricorn Rising)
If you are a Taurus rising, a Virgo rising, or a Capricorn rising, you come across to others as responsible, beautiful, natural, and dependable. You are a hard worker, and you may be known for your career or the work that you do. You are someone who walks into a room and people feel an immediate sense of comfort and like you are someone they can trust. You have strong values and goals, and you are someone who knows what they want. People love to be around your down-to-earth energy, and you make others feel safe and grounded.
AIR ASCENDANT (Gemini Rising, Libra Rising, Aquarius Rising)
If you are a Gemini rising, a Libra rising, or an Aquarius rising, you come across to others as outgoing, friendly, and talkative. You see the world as a place to learn, connect, and be inspired, and you are on a quest for knowledge and understanding. You connect with people from all walks of life, and you tend to have a pretty open-minded and unique friend group. You care a lot about your style and aesthetic and always strive to be authentically you wherever you are. You can talk to people for hours and are often meeting new people and making new friends wherever you go.
WATER ASCENDANT (Cancer Rising, Scorpio Rising, Pisces Rising)
If you are a Cancer rising, a Scorpio rising, or a Pisces rising, you navigate life through the lens of your emotions, and you are deeply connected to the undercurrents of life. You are ruled by your emotions, and this side of you is not something you can keep hidden away easily. You get emotional when you think about society and others at large, and you want to be known for the kind and sincere person you are. When you walk into a room, you feel other people's energy right away and are highly empathic and intuitive.
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