What Self-Care Looks Like To Chief Of Chic Sneakerhead Channing Beumer
In xoNecole's Finding Balance, we profile boss women making boss moves in the world and in their respective industries. We talk to them about their business, their life, and most of all, what they do to find balance in their busy lives.
Channing Beumer is wearing Nikes. An efficient yet stylish pair, mind you. The kind of pair that both serves looks and leverages comfort. You know, the kind of shoe that is built for running large scale brand-sponsored events and campaigns.
The self-proclaimed "sneakHERhead" balances a traditional 9 to 5 while running a successful business with CNK Daily, a platform designed for and by ladies who have an affinity for sneaker culture -- all while running from one long meeting after the other. The latter of which our conversation finds itself wedged between.
I, on the other hand, am wearing Michael Kors sneakers. They're stylish true enough, but arguably not built for anything except fake running for an IG boomerang. But as we both began to connect on our mutual love of fashionable footwear, our talk quickly evolved into the ins and outs of personal and professional evolution. And it becomes easier and easier to see why ChickNKicks exists.
For Channing, more affectionately known as Chan-Lo, providing a platform dedicated to women in the sneaker space all while inspiring, empowering, and educating them on how to chase after the life they deserve is what it's all about. And in this latest segment of Finding Balance, I wanted to know just how she manages to keep everything running smoothly. Here's what she had to say.
What does the average day/week look like for you?
It really depends, to be honest with you. If I'm running campaigns, then that week is super hectic, especially if it's like an event. The first quarter has been kind of crazy for us because we've done a lot, but I also have a 9 to 5 so my life has to be planned. Very rarely can I plan it down to the T because there's always something that gets kind of thrown into the mix. And it's always like, 'Now I have to pivot and figure out what is the priority here and what can wait until later.' That's something personally, I really struggled with but it's also something I think that has made me stronger as an entrepreneur and businesswoman. There's no not getting it done, it's more like, when can we get it done? For me, it's about finding the time to do the little things because if I don't, my week goes into shatters.
What do you find to be the most hectic part of your week? How do you push through?
The most hectic part is making sure that I have my stuff done at my 9 to 5, but also when you're building your brand or business--it's not a side thing. Side hustles are cool but when you're really trying to build something, it doesn't just take a 20-hour part of your week. It's legit 9 to 5 and from 5 to 2 [a.m.]. If I stay on top of my planner, my weeks aren't really all that hectic because I can move well. I've learned after doing this long enough that it's best for me to adjust and then I just make sure I find time to unwind by myself. Turn my phone on silent, take a long bath, or if I need to just watch Game of Thrones, I make that time for myself because decompression is so important. I've actually developed this new thing this year where I don't answer emails after 7 p.m. unless I know it's something super important that I need to pay attention to. I don't take business calls after 7 p.m. either. I'm trying to make sure that I have some semblance of balance. But I don't necessarily believe in balance, I believe in prioritization.
Channing's Instagram
"I'm trying to make sure that I have some semblance of balance. But I don't necessarily believe in balance, I believe in prioritization."
How do you practice self-care? What’s your self-care routine?
I love Korean masks, I think they're the greatest thing in the world. On Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays, I take about 15 minutes a day and put on a Korean mask and kind of lay on my bed and breathe. It's wonderful because I get a little bit of 'me' time but I think also sometimes we have this cute idea of self-care. It may be decompressing or going to the spa or getting your nails done but sometimes self-care is also checking yourself when you need to be checked. So I'm also trying to be really honest with myself, especially in those moments where I feel like I'm procrastinating and not doing anything.
Sometimes self-care is telling yourself, "You got to get this done."
I may have to do that more often than a bubble bath sometimes because you really just don't feel like it some days. You have to make sure that you push yourself,not to the brink of insanity or exhaustion--but when you know you got to get something done that should be your self-care.
How do you find balance:
With friends?
My tribe is really very small. My best friend Brittany and I, we're on a small platform called Bean & Cream. But we make time at the beginning of each month to just powwow with each other, not to talk about content but life and to catch up. I think the older you get, the easier it is to kind of be a little bit distant with your friends. So we just try to make sure that we at least see each other once a month and just kind of talk through what our lives are looking like. I try to make time to talk to my friends at least once a week, even if it's just a quick IM. Those things go a long way and I know that I really appreciate it when somebody texts me messages asking "How can I pray for you?", so I try to do the same.
Love/relationships?
I make time, you know I'm not sitting here thinking that the right man is going to come to my doorstep. I am dating and if there's someone that I'm really interested in, I make sure I make time for that person. You have to give of yourself and a lot of it goes back again to the priority thing. If I'm in a situation where someone is really important to me, I'll definitely make the time but it's also one of those things where you have to have someone who's super understanding. You can't be all up under somebody, or at least I can't. And if you have someone who understands that you have things going on and they're building something of their own, then that's just ten times a plus for me.
Exercise/health? Do you ever detox? What does it look like for you?
Once a quarter, I do like a a food restriction type of thing to try to get my head clear and hear from God in a very tangible way. Hunger is one hell of a catalyst and it's also an opportunity for me to discipline myself. As far as working out goes, I actually joined a gym that's literally in my office building so I don't have an excuse. So at lunch time, I have on my calendar it's time to work out. I'll go down there for a solid 45 minutes to an hour and just sweat it out. Some days I don't realize I needed it until afterwards but it forces me to make sure that I really get it in. Exercise and wellness is incredibly important to me. I didn't really realize it until last year how much it's important to the growth of my business and to maintaining my mindset.
Channing's Instagram
"Exercise and wellness is incredibly important to me. I didn't really realize it until last year how much it's important to the growth of my business and to maintaining my mindset."
What’s the hardest part about all you do?
The hardest part about all that I do, is feeling like there's not enough time but then realizing that there's more than enough time -- I just need to do a better job at prioritizing. Sometimes that means letting go or saying "no" to certain things that I really wanted to do. Saying "no" to campaigns that I really wanted to take because I know the vision that I have and I know the vision that God has given me for this. It's taking a look at what I have to do and saying, "I can't do that" and knowing that I can't do that and standing firm in that and taking my hands off of it.
I'm learning more and more each day that not every opportunity is your opportunity. Some opportunities are just there to show you what you're capable of and some opportunities are just there as a catalyst to get you to the next one. So I'm trying actively to make sure that if it's not something that we can do and do well, then we have no business doing it.
Channing's Instagram
"Some opportunities are just there to show you what you're capable of and some opportunities are just there as a catalyst to get you to the next one."
When you’re going through a bout of uncertainty or feeling stuck, how do you handle it?
I recognize that as a moment when maybe I'm walking in my own idea of my purpose, not God's. I take those moments as a sign that I need to be still for a second and really make sure that the things that I'm doing are purposeful and aligning with the plan God has set forth for my life. It gets very easy to think that you know best, so I really try to figure out if I'm doing this because it'll help other people or just to get some likes or because I'm feeling like I need to put out something.
What is something you think others forget when it comes to finding balance?
Other people's gifts aren't your gifts. Just because somebody else is doing something and doing it well, that doesn't mean you're meant to do it. I constantly see all these other bloggers and they're making all this money and you start to think, 'Maybe I need to start doing this or taking more pictures.'
But my gifts are not their gifts and the moment I stop trying to operate in my gifts and try to operate in theirs, it's almost like I'm trying to receive their blessings. And that won't fit. I try to tell my team all the time that we're not focused on what similar brands are doing. We'll lose our purpose and our calling if we do that. I have to recognize, and others have to recognize, that you need to get in tune with who you are and what your gifts are, then operate accordingly.
Channing's Instagram
"The moment I stop trying to operate in my gifts and try to operate in theirs, it's almost like I'm trying to receive their blessings. And that won't fit."
What does success mean to you?
Success is a job well done and serving other people in a way that transcends anything that I could ever do for myself. It's making a difference, whether it's in someone's shopping experience or just in the way that they see or view entrepreneurs. I want to make sure that I'm doing something that's better than me and that gives glory to God more than anything else. I'm just a vessel and I'm just here for whatever purpose He has been there for.
For more of Channing, follow her on Instagram. Be sure to check out her sneakerhead platform CNK Daily on Instagram as well.
Featured image via Channing/Instagram by JCI Creatives
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Writer. Empath. Escapist. Young, gifted, and Black. Shanelle Genai is a proud Southern girl in a serious relationship with celebrity interviews, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and long walks down Sephora aisles. Keep up with her on IG @shanellegenai.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images