I’m sure it comes as no surprise to y’all that I am super pro-therapy. Ever since high school (RIP, Chuck Stanford; you were awesome), on and off again, I’ve had a therapist. I am a life coach now, in part, because I am such a fan of therapy. Easily, 65 percent of my world has either been to therapy before and/or they work in the mental health world. And that’s why, it brought a smile to my face when I read that close to 60 million Americans claim to have gotten some sort of treatment for their mental health before. Excellent.
However, as with pretty much everything in life, there is even a side to therapy that isn’t discussed enough: how to know if you are seeing a therapist who really is worth all of the time, effort, energy, and money that you are putting into them. Come to think of it, more specifically, how do you know if you and your therapist are past your season, even if initially, they seemed like they were a good fit?
Let’s tackle that topic now. Because the reality is that therapy can either do you a lot of good or its fair share of harm when you’re not with the right person. And so, here are six signs that, if you are currently seeing a therapist, it may just be time to start…seeing someone else.
1. You and Your Therapist Aren’t Respecting Each Other’s Time
GiphyThe more time that goes by, the more side-eye that Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz get in my book. SMDH. You know what they say, though, and even a broken clock is right twice a day. And with that being said, there is something that has come out of Dr. Phil’s mouth, more than once, that I have applied to my life, ever since I first heard it: “Late people are arrogant because they assume that you should wait on them which means that they don’t value your time.” Since time is precious and something that you can never truly get back, I agree with this resolve. And so, when it comes to you and your therapist, you both should show up for sessions on time and (something that I need to hold some of my own clients more accountable to) be prepared to end on time as well.
For me, I keep "checks and balances" on this by requiring that clients give me a 72-hour heads-up if they need to cancel a session; otherwise, I charge the full rate (time is money, after all). As for myself, if I can’t make a session, oftentimes I will offer a discount on top of them simply not having to pay for that session because who knows what domino effect my cancellation had on them.
Anyway, if one or both of you are canceling a lot, showing up late, or constantly running over, while this alone shouldn’t be an indication that it’s time to find someone new, it is a sign that you don’t value each other’s time together as much as you both should which kind of means that you don’t value each other like you should too — and it’s hard to get anything truly worthwhile done if, at the end of the day, you and your therapist don’t respect each other very much.
2. You and Your Therapist’s Values Don’t Align
GiphyBefore we get all deep into this one, let me just say that a sign of a truly good therapist is they can be effective whether someone shares in their value system or not. Example? Not to brag, however, I have a client who couldn’t be more different than I am when it comes to shoot — spirituality, marriage, dating, sex…almost you name it and we aren’t similar at all and yet, a few months ago, I was hella touched when she said that I was one of the best things that ever happened to her.
I’m telling y’all, there are a lot of narcissistic and manipulative mental health providers out here who actually seek out opportunities to turn people into low-key versions of themselves — so, if you are currently looking for a therapist/counselor/life coach, please take your time, so that you can vet your candidates thoroughly.
That said, though, say that you are a devout Christian. It’s okay, recommended even, that you find a therapist who is a Christian too, just so you know that your foundations (at least for the most part) are similar. I mean, imagine if you had an agnostic therapist and you found yourself referencing Scripture a lot as the basis for why you think, say, and do what you do.
While they should be able to navigate through that, it’s unrealistic to think that their personal beliefs won’t come up at some point, and/or that they won’t know how to factor in your own stance on things based on your religion of choice. For the record, this point doesn’t just go for spirituality. I know someone who went to a divorce therapist when her marriage was in trouble and all that person talked about was why it would be beneficial for her to end her marriage when that wasn’t exactly what she was looking for — or needed.
Yeah, when it comes to this one right here, think about what your values are and how your therapist incorporates them into your sessions. Do you feel heard and respected or do they come off with a flippant or dismissive attitude or like they are trying to sway you into thinking more like they do? If it’s the latter, that is a huge red flag and it is definitely time to start looking for someone else.
3. Sessions Cause You to Feel Worse Instead of Better
GiphyOkay, when it comes to this one, make sure to hear me when I say that when you get a hold of a really good therapist, someone who is seriously invested in getting you what you need, oftentimes, it is going to seem like things are worse before they are better. That’s because they may ask you questions or challenge you to consider things that you may have suppressed or you frankly just don’t want to deal with (even though, there’s a good chance that you will need to).
That needs to be said because, what I mean here is, if you’ve got the kind of therapist who is constantly low on energy; has a negative spin to everything; who low-key has you counseling them (hey, it happens); who seems to create more problems and worries for you than before you walked into the door; who seems to drain you; who constantly plants seeds of confusion; who tries to bully you into thinking like them (more on that in a sec) — who basically causes you to feel worse about yourself and/or your situation instead of more hopeful about both…yeah, you definitely need to find another individual.
And please peep that I used the word “hopeful” because I have shared before that I like how one dictionary defines hope as feeling that you can have what you want OR that everything will work out for the best. And yes, if you have a solid therapist in your corner, while they should be honest and realistic with you, HOPELESS isn’t a word that you should use to describe what having sessions with them is like. If that’s what’s transpiring, that’s probably the biggest reason out of all of these to break up with them. Like…yesterday.
4. Instead of Being Held Accountable, You Feel Controlled OR They Enable You…
GiphyI’m big on accountability. A part of the reason why is because I grew up around A LOT of people who would use religion to dodge accountability and/or they would play the victim in order to deflect from it. Anyway, let me tell it, one of the main reasons why more people should get into therapy is because they live the kind of life when they are not held accountable for their decisions enough. SMDH.
Okay, but it’s one thing to be in front of someone who calls you on the carpet when you try to avoid accepting responsibility for the decisions that you make; however, it’s another to have a therapist who uses what you share to try and get you to live the life that they want you to — like they basically see you as a puppet that they hold the strings to. On the extreme flip of this, it’s also problematic if your therapist basically just nods in agreement with what you are doing when they know that, at the very least, it’s highly counterproductive and, at worst, it’s going to make things so much more trying for you up the road.
I know both of these types of therapists exist because a lot of religious ones will try and use therapy sessions as ministry classes for people who aren’t of their faith (which is highly inappropriate) and I also know some people who seem to be in nothing more than “kee-kee sessions” with their therapist — it’s like their mental health “professional” is more interested in being a friend than a true and reliable accountability partner…and yeah, that ain’t good.
5. The Juice Isn’t Worth the Squeeze
GiphyI had a friend who was in therapy for her marriage…her entire marriage (she’s recently divorced). She and her husband went through multiple therapists (one even “fired them” because her husband was so condescendingly ridiculous) and it never really seemed like things were changing for the better. Does that mean that things got worse? Well, I’ve gotta say that, having a front row seat to it all, I rarely witnessed any tips or tools being implemented that seemed to improve their dynamic. Basically, their relationship sounded like what abused people say: “I mean, we had a good few days” only to turn around and be back in their hamster wheel of toxicity by day five. So, let me get this straight: you’re paying someone to help you to resolve some issues in your marriage and yet…the issues aren’t getting resolved? And this is the case for months on end?
In therapists’ defense, they can only work with what they’ve been given and so, if one or both clients aren’t serious about therapy and/or they aren’t being forthcoming and honest and/or (this is a big one) they aren’t doing their session homework and/or they expect their therapist to be more devoted to “fixing things” than they are — they are delusional about what a therapist actually can and cannot do. At the same time, though, a big part of the reason why you signed up for therapy is because you were looking for someone to help you out in ways that you can’t seem to do on your own…and a good therapist is a solution to that.
If you’ve been seeing a therapist for a while now and it really doesn’t seem like your needs are getting met, while one with integrity would probably bring up that the two of you may not be the best fit, remember that they are gonna make money if you stay…which means that you are losing out far more than they are. Whew, you’ve got to be careful with that too because if people-pleasing or avoiding conflict are some of your main struggles, and you find yourself in therapy with someone who doesn’t seem to be “scratching your itches” you might remain. Why? Because you don’t want to rock the boat. Another way of saying this — if there is one area of your life where you can feel really good about being selfish, it’s when it comes to selecting a therapist who checks all of your boxes. If yours doesn’t, you already know what I’m about to say.
6. Progress Isn’t Being Made
GiphySome of my clients, I have worked with for a few years at this point. It’s not because I encourage it, though — and while that might sound weird on the surface…hear me out. If you’ve got a therapist (or counselor or life coach) who is seriously invested in you getting to the root of…whatever it is that you’re trying to get to the root of, I agree with mental health professionals who say that it really shouldn’t take longer than 12-16 sessions for (semi) minor issues and 12-18 months for more complex matters.
In fact, some studies say that 50 percent of folks start to feel better, overall, after about 15-20 therapy sessions and even that? Well, to me, if you’re not starting to see some sort of light bulb moments after about five sessions, you should start to wonder why.
Because what you’ve got to forever keep in mind is therapy is still a business, and based on what your therapist charges, it can be easy to get used to that money coming in (hey, I’m just being real with y’all) and that can require some of them to not be as, let’s go with proactive, about helping you to reach the resolve that you need in a short(er) amount of time. This means that you’ve got to stay on top of making sure that progress is being made.
Now think about the goals that you had going into therapy and how long you’ve been with your therapist. Are you much further along in your growth or…nah? If the answer is “B,” it’s time for a shift. Stat.
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Again, words cannot express how much I support therapy. It’s a real-life and game-changer — so long as you have the right fit for you. Hopefully, sis, this can help you come to a decision about that.
If the answer is “yes,” dope.
If the answer is “no,” BREAK UP.
You deserve better. And more. ASAP.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
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Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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