Why Writing Love Letters Is A Surefire Way To Revive Your Marriage
I've got a friend who is a Hallmark-aholic. So, when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday a few weeks back, it was actually no shock to me that she wanted some cards sent in the mail. Selecting the perfect ones wasn't the issue; the problem was, because I spend so much time banging on my laptop's keyboard, it's almost like I forgot how to write cursive. What in the world?! But it was so worth it to hear her almost tear up over the phone because written messages move her so.
Her reaction reminded me of why I oftentimes suggest to my married clients that they handwrite love letters to one another. While, on the surface, this kind of gesture may not seem like that big of a deal, if you humor me for about 5-7 minutes, I'll offer up some reasons why writing a card on some beautiful stationary and gifting your beloved with it could be the kind of investment into your union that will pay off for years to come.
It Can Help You to Tap into Your Romantic (and Creative) Side
If someone were to ask me for the top five reasons why so many married people struggle, believe it or not, "extreme things" like affairs or even financial issues are not what immediately comes to mind. I'm actually more in the lane of sharing the fact that many partners feel disconnected, the passion in the bedroom has waned and/or couples have become plain ole' bored. One definition of bored is "tedious repetition" and, let's be real—when you've vowed before God and your loved ones that you will share the rest of your life with someone, while living in a limited amount of square footage, it's understandable that things can start to feel a little "yawn" from time to time (check out "This Will Get You Through The 'Ho-Hum Seasons' In Your Relationship").
To breathe some life back into your relationship, a very sweet, sentimental and simple thing that you can do is write your spouse a love letter. One reason why I've found this to be so effective is because, oftentimes, when a relationship is new, romantic gestures, on both sides, tend to be at an all-time high. Then, a good two or so years into a marriage, as life "gets in the way", it can be easy to fall into a routine that oftentimes leaves romance totally out of it.
Making the time to express the love—and desire—that you have for your partner is not only extremely thoughtful; it's also something that can help you to tap back into your creative side, so that you can get your romantic juices flowing again. And personally, I don't know any relationship where, more romance, is seen as being problematic. Not in the least lil' bit.
It Can Help You to Clearly Express What or How You’re Feeling
Personally, I find it to be extremely endearing when couples make sure to say "I love you" on a regular and consistent basis. Yet, as wonderful as those three words are, if we're not careful, they can make us lean a little bit on the lazy side when it comes to communicating with our partner beyond a surface level. What I mean by that is, we can take on the attitude that "I love you" should be an all-encompassing statement. Problem with that is, if you or your partner happens to be a words of affirmation person like I am, you/they could end up feeling a little "empty handed". A love letter is a very effective way to go beyond "I love you" and into the reasons behind that sentiment.
Another awesome thing about penning a love letter is it's a wonderful way to express how you're feeling if you're not someone who is big on words or you're not the best at articulating your thoughts. If you want to express how attracted you are to your spouse, the reasons why you are so thrilled to be married to them, or what you appreciate about them that you haven't said, either in a long time or perhaps at all, a love letter can help you to get your thoughts together so that your spouse can know exactly where you are coming from.
It Can Be an Effective Way to Take a Stroll Down Memory Lane
An author by the name of Susan Gale once said, "Sometimes a short walk down memory lane is all it takes to appreciate where you are today." This point can apply across the board, but I like it in this context because—your first date, your first kiss, the first "I love you" exchange, your first holiday together…who doesn't like to revisit memories that basically serve as puzzle pieces to the much bigger picture that is you're here and now with your spouse? Even if you happen to be someone (or happen to be blessed to be with someone) who is a great verbal communicator, it can still be very special for a love letter to be written that consists of all of the moments that brought you and yours to this very point. A love letter can be a collection of memories and something that can be held dear for years to come.
It Can Further Confirm Why You Committed to Your Spouse in the First Place
If there's a couple that I've met with for more than five sessions, an exercise that I typically encourage them to partake in is writing a list of the reasons why they fell in love—or, as I'd prefer to phrase it, chose to deeply love—their partner.
Because I'm such a fan of individuals being proactive (over reactive), I have found that recalling what you adore about your spouse's mind, body and spirit can help to keep things in perspective on the days when, quite frankly, they are either getting on your very last nerve or you find yourself saying, "I honestly don't know why I married your ass." (Trust me singles, married folks tend to get to that point and place, more than once, over the course of their union.)
After the husband and wife jot their reasons down, I then recommend that they either post the lists somewhere where they can look at them every day (like a bedroom mirror or the refrigerator in the kitchen) or that they turn their list into art (like perhaps blowing it up and putting the lists over their bed or in their offices).
This being said, another way to present the list is by putting everything together in letter form. In many ways, it adds to the appreciation of the list because it takes time to sit down and write a letter in your own handwriting. However you choose to do it, recalling when you chose the partner that you did can make you feel more grateful and cause them to feel more appreciated—and seen. It's a win/win in both directions.
It’s a Treasured Keepsake
My godchildren's mom's mother passed away when she was seven. One of the things that she still has from when her mother was alive are the love letters that her mom and dad wrote each other. While she jokes that sometimes they are a bit "TMI" for her taste, she has also told me, many times over the years, that she is so thankful that she has those in her possession. Know what? I've had a few women tell me the same thing—that they too have their parents' love letters and, not only has it made them feel closer to their mom and dad, but it has given them a different perspective on things like love, commitment and yes, romance.
So, whether love letters between you and your spouse are for you two's eyes only (cue Sheena Easton. How many of y'all remember her?) or so that you can have something to pass down to your own children on their wedding day or later up the road, there aren't too many keepsakes that top the preciousness of handwritten love letters. Wouldn't you agree?
Chances Are, Your Spouse Won’t See It Coming. Like, At All.
When's the last time that you did something that was completely out of the blue for your spouse? I don't mean "expected out of the blue" like maybe showing up at their job for work or emailing them a reservation at a hotel (which, if you're that kind of spouse, I most certainly salute you!). I mean something that, not in a million years, did they ever seen "it" coming? Unless you write for a living or you just drip with romance 24/7 (or they do), there's a pretty good chance that they never predicted that they would wake up to a letter on their pillowcase or in their briefcase.
There's no time like the present to catch them totally and completely off guard! Remember that presentation is key, so make sure it's some gorgeous stationary or a beautiful blank greeting card. Then set aside about an hour to pen a love letter. I can almost guarantee that it will be just as revealing to you as the writer as it will be to your partner, the reader. Plus, it will be the gift that keeps on giving, each and every time they read it. So…what are you waiting for? Get off of this thing and get to writing, sis.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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